Hey everyone! It was definitely been awhile. I got a new teaching job and that take a majority of my time. However, its winter break and I had an itch to write again.
I hope you enjoy a new chapter and hope to be able to put at a few more before returning to work!
Merry Christmas! With love, Ash
I haven't seen Edward much since after our hunting trip. It had been three days. I was beginning to wonder if he was avoiding me.
1 week until the Volutri comes.
The days pass with the Cullen family and their friends with joy. In all of my 72 vampire years, though I have had spurts of joy here and there. It has never been nothing like this. Seeing Garrett, Peter, and Charlotte again was nice too.
However, in the back of my mind I cannot keep the voice that tells me I'm not completely welcome. Edward ignoring me was causing me indescribable pain. I couldn't understand what I had done to cause him to suddenly dislike so much he could not stand to be in the same room as me.
I had begun to think on the way back from my first hunting trip….
But no. I am still the same naive and foolish Bella I was as a human. Even then in a time when arranged marriages were normal for my status, I was chasing for love, a soulmate. It was hard though. Being surrounded by so many couples. Plus Garrett seemed to have caught eyes for Kate.
I listened to Alice and Rose tell about the day they found their better half. They both described it as an absolute. No hesitation. Even Esme, when she met Carlisle as a human, stated she just knew he was someone of significance to her.
Maybe my brain is broken. Got messed up during the change. It made complete sense to me. Trauma did a lot to human brains. Surely it did that to vampire brains too..
I was sitting out on the balcony enjoying some alone time. Though I adored this family, I was a bit overwhelmed. Especially after living alone for so many decades. I daydreamed about what my life would be like after next week. If by some miracle we lived, would I return to my life of solitude? I wasn't sure if I could, even the thought caused me such sadness.
I frowned at myself. I was thinking selfishly. I may not even be welcome to stay. Though the Cullens are kind and loving, that did not automatically mean they would welcome me permanently with open arms. I sighed. And Edward.
I couldn't do that to him. He clearly disliked me and my existence in his home. It would be quite selfish to ask to stay here if that meant causing him discomfort.
No. We will leave. Maybe I'll go back to Europe.
I rose and decided to go spare with Jasper. My fighting skills were minimal at best. As I descended the stairs I sensed someone looking at me. Oh I bet she saw. I thought as I made eye contact with Alice. She was frowning at me. Is she frowning because she saw me inviting myself to stay or because I decided to leave?
I worried as I walked out the door. Jasper and Emmett were currently arguing over who was cheating during their sparre. I chuckled. Jasper looked up and smiled. "Want to spare, ma'am?" he asked. I nodded.
After hitting the ground 15 times. I was frustrated. Jasper was a good teacher though and I had gradually improved with each failed match. Jasper gave me an apologetic smile, "We've worked on the hand to hand for a bit. Want to show me how that physical shield works?"
I got back on my feet and nodded. We crouched back into our fighting stance. I reached out with my mind and extended the thin blanket five feet in front of me. When Jasper lunged he planted the invisible wall. He looked at me in shock and reached out and touched it. "That's amazing," He said.
I sighed. "I wish it was stronger. If you and Emmett hit it at full force it'll probably break." Jasper nodded looking thoughtly. "Do you care if we test that?" I frowned but nodded. I really didn't mind and I trusted them both. I just hated how it felt when my shield broke. I feel so vulnerable during that moment. Vampire trauma. I'm telling ya.
Jasper and Emment both crouched to run at my shield. Behind them, looking out of one of the windows, I noticed Edward was watching. Great, just the audience I wanted. I thought to myself grumpily as I tried my best to strengthen my shield with all my mind. I could sense the blanket thicken but oh just. It was exhausting fighting against your own mind.
Jasper and Emmett launch themselves at me and I know that this isn't going to work. The moment they make an impact, my shield shatters and I know they feel it too. I hear Jasper gasp, both at the sensation of the shield breaking and the feelings I expel during it.
I fall backwards at the force and let out a shudder when I land. Emmett reaches out and helps me up. "Woah there Bella boo. You ok little sis?" I blink at him still a bit out of it, but also confused at what he just called me. "Bella boo?" I can't help, but ask. He shrugs and says, "I'm still working on a nickname." I shake my head at him and look toward Jasper. "He's looking at me thoughtful and with a bit of worry. "I'm fine." I tell both of them. "I put so much energy trying to strengthen my shield that I kinda forgot about what that would mean after it fell." I looked down a bit embarrassed.
"Your gift is amazing, Bella. Don't doubt that." Jasper said, kindly. "We can see what we can do over the next few days to help you strengthen it; however, you being also to protect yourself individually is extraordinary in itself."
I nodded, but frowned. "But if I can learn to make my physical shield stronger I can protect everyone."
Jasper was already shaking his head. Then Carlisle joined this side. My sense told me that even Edward had come out on the porch.
"Bella," Carlisle started, "You cannot know how much that means to me and my family. However, I could never ask you to protect us all this way. Especially if it causes you so much distress. Besides, I am still hopeful with your mental shield they will pause and listen." I sighed and nodded.
Edward hissed suddenly from the porch. "Jasper enough."
Jasper looked at Edward with an even expression and continued his thoughts silently. Carlisle watched the two brothers for a moment before asking, "Edward?"
Edward looked at Carlisle with so much anger, I was kinda surprised. Jasper just sighed and shook his head. Edward's anger grew as he spoke, "I don't see how practicing this physical shield will help us any." He looks at me. The anger in his eyes doesn't dampen their beauty, "If the impact of your shield causes you to fall backwards. Then someone will be in more danger trying to protect you."
His words cut me like a knife. I stare at him in shock. Jasper frowns as he tastes my emotions: shock, pain, guilt, panic. He steps toward me, "Bella, it's fine you want to practice your shield. When we get closer to when the Volturi are coming we can decide if you try to use it or not."
I'm already shaking my head before he is finished speaking. "No, I was thinking selfishly. Edward is right. If I fail, I will hurt more than help." I sighed looking away, my thoughts still spiraling. I couldn't unsee or hear the anger Edward had towards me. It made me feel such sadness.
"I think I'm going to go for a hunt." I murmur quietly, eager to leave the now awkward backyard. Carlisle had been looking at Edward having a silent conversation I suppose. He looks to me now, "Would you like someone to accompany you?"
I shook my head, "No thank you. I'll try this one solo." I try to smile before turning and running into the safety of the trees, but I know it doesn't reach my eyes.
