Audacious Auscultation
AN: I'm sorry about this. This is the kind of thing that happens when I'm bored. I'll rate this little drabble K+ for the general population and T for those of you with dirty minds...
Auscultation: the act of listening, either directly or through a stethoscope or other instrument, especially to sounds made by the body for diagnostic purposes.
"Curiosity has its own reason for existence." – Albert Einstein
oOoOoOoOoOo
The not knowing was killing him.
Plus he was bored. So his mind was already cooking up all kinds of salacious scenarios.
What the hell were they doing up there anyway?
197 practically leapt on Paige when she'd walked through the door that morning. He addressed her as 'friend' with a soft little snort and asked if he could get her to help him with something. And the two of them walked up the stairs to his loft giving each other bashful smiles, exchanging looks like they did in the Pre-Limbo (aka Linda/Timbo) era. All of those actions had previously been thrown into limbo during the subsequent 'Limbo' phase in which Walter kept making pathetic attempts and Paige kept getting annoyed and rebuffing him right and left. But something was definitely different that day when they'd walked upstairs together. Was this perhaps the dawn of a new era?
They'd been in Walt's loft together for twenty-three minutes. And no one had heard a peep out of either of them. Obviously the door was shut and the intercom was off. He should know. He'd already tried the intercom method of snooping.
Well, curiosity didn't kill the cat. Ignorance did. And Doctor Tobias M. Curtis was not about to go down that same path. He kicked off his shoes. If he'd known he would have to do some ninja eavesdropping that day he wouldn't have worn the squeaky ones. And he grabbed his stethoscope out of the bottom drawer of his desk.
Happy stopped him with a look. "What do you think you're doing?"
"Nothing, my angel," Toby intoned, as he crept on stockinged feet toward the metal stairs, "Just a little recon. Someone has to make sure Mom and Dad aren't fighting again."
"Hang on a sec. You may not catch everything." Happy set her project aside and grabbed an empty cup from the kitchen.
"Shouldn't we respect their privacy?" Sylvester asked as he rose from his desk chair in the corner. He gulped and crinkled his nose looking conflicted for a few seconds before quickly stealing after the other two.
"Where's the fun in that, Sly?" The shrink shook his head and threw the mathematician a dubious smirk over his shoulder.
The inquisitive trio slunk up the stairs and tiptoed across the lab. They didn't find Paige and Walter in the main room, but they soon heard their muffled voices coming from the bathroom. Then Toby, Happy and Sly silently pressed a diaphragm of a stethoscope, an empty cup and an ear to the door, jostling a bit for position.
"Ouch! Walter that hurts!"
"Just hold still a minute."
"I think it's too big. It's not going to fit."
"I did the calculations myself. I know it will fit."
"Are you sure your measurements were right?" Paige whined.
"I was as accurate as possible. There might be a slight variance because you weren't here for me to measure precisely. I had to estimate your size based on speculation and averages."
"Well, I don't think it's going to work, Walter. I'm sorry."
"Give me another chance. Just relax and try to open up a bit wider for me. That's it."
"Ow! Stop!"
"Sorry. S-sorry. I think my angle is wrong. Maybe it would work better if you would try to put it in yourself? You did say we were the kind of friends who would do anything for each other, right?" A note of pleading entered Walter's voice.
"Okay. Okay. I'll try it. Just give me some more of that lubricating stuff."
They could hear a loud sigh and grunt of discomfort, then Paige said, "Is it all the way in?" and Walter's triumphant, "Yes! It's in!"
That was all they could stand to hear before they looked at each other with disgust and scurried away from the door. Toby slipped in his socks and while he was pin wheeling trying to regain his balance, he managed to knock the other two fleeing geniuses off balance too. The three of them fell with a crash in a heap by the bathroom door. Which popped open suddenly.
Paige and Walter emerged surprisingly fully clothed and glared at the pile of gutter-minded eavesdroppers on the floor.
"Oh, hi," Toby attempted sheepishly from his prone position before Paige interrupted with, "What do you think you're doing?"
As the nosy trio tried to disentangle themselves, Happy spoke up, "We could ask the two of you the same thing. It is business hours, you know."
Walter frowned and looked at the mechanic, his expression as baffled as it was irritated. "Paige was doing me a favor and trying out the new spy equipment Homeland got us. They want us to beta test these contact lenses that take pictures or video when you blink. I think the size is right. I just have to tweak the thickness a little for comfort. And I also think the addition of lots of lubrication eases the insertion process. What did you think we were doing?"
When it dawned on Paige what the others were thinking, her mouth dropped open and her face was flaming as the spying troop of geniuses collapsed back down on the floor roaring with laughter.
