While I am working on a prompt and an AU story (that is not going to be part of this collection), I suddenly felt the need for something different. Something I wanted to do for a while now, actually. I wanted to try and catch a certain mood and be more descriptive with this shot (even though there is a huge monologue in it too) - and I've always wanted to turn the tables. We have so many fics about V being the strong one and the one comforting Kerry through the whole depression issue. But V carries his package too. And sometimes he needs comfort as well. Also showing a different side of (my) V and a different side of Kerry.
Based on true event in the game that... kinda got me thinking.


"Night City is a city of shadows" - Kerry Eurodyne

The sign of Brooklyn Barista drenched the room in red and orange light. Colours that should raise thoughts and dreams about a warm sun, coffee and relaxation but right now it only filled V with aggression, layering over this numb and crushing void he felt inside. He closed the shutters of the window and welcomed the darkness.

Of course it was never really dark in here – the computer, the radio, the hologram generator feeding him ads non-stop, the lights coming from all those tiny little machines in his work shop, the burrito vending machine in the wall. They all filled V's apartment with their own, artificial life, their colours, their never ending neon shine.

Just a tiny version of the city outside.

So fake, too.

And full of shadows.

With a grunt V fell on his couch and stared and the black screen of his TV. Maybe he should just watch some random shit to get his mind off. Take out his brain and park it somewhere else. Get flooded by emotions and sensations that weren't his own. Even Johnny was silent. That alone was spooky. Not even Silverhand wanted to handle the swirl of thoughts that ran through V's brain right now. Nibbles slept peacefully in his basket and V was fine with it. He'd thought that he might felt the need to cuddle the cat, to feel better but found himself not even caring about that.

He switched on the TV and a loud voice yelled into his face to try the latest flavour of NiCola to 'taste the love'. V breathed out some air through his nose and the corner of his mouth twitched a bit. He didn't even know why he found it funny right now. Maybe because of the irony.

His gaze wandered restless over to the table, like he wasn't interested to keep his attention on the screen, when he heard his phone buzzing again. Another message. He'd gotten one a few minutes ago. Or has it been hours? But he felt no need to check his phone. Probably just another fixer with another problem. Or the NCPD thanking him for his service. Or some rich, self absorbed bastard that needed V's skills to wipe an unwanted opponent from the streets of Night City. Or Panam densely asking him out for a date again by claiming that she had another job just for them to end up at night on some lone cliff, waiting for scavengers that would never show up. Like he didn't see through her true intension... girl should've gotten a hint by now, seriously.

He had no nerve for any of this, not right now. Still his eyes caught the name on the screen and for a moment a tormented look crossed V's face.

"Shit...", he mumbled and reached for the phone.

V didn't want him to think he started to ghost him.

He also didn't want him to worry.

But he also didn't want to pull him into this dark mood.

V didn't know why or when it became a habit but he just knew that he had to sulk in this alone until it was over. That's how it's always been, right? In the office world you were either sheep or wolf and V didn't make it up the ladder because he decided to be a sheep. You leave everything behind for your career. Friends or family are just a benefit, free time a luxury. Your problems are always your own. Share them and you're dead. Relationships were a no-go – last thing you wanted was emotional black mail. Not that there ever had been time for a relationship. There had been barely enough time for some one night stand with an intern, to blow off some steam, in case the pills didn't do it.

Obviously V had kept those habits. And after Jackie's and T-Bugs death he was a lone wolf. Again. Probably for the better. After all people tend to die around him.

And still he caught himself with the phone in his hand, reading the message on the screen. He let out a tired sigh, his hand running over his face, into his hair. He stared at the wall like it held all the answers. There was a poster, draped over the one from Lizzy Wizzy that he didn't like anyway. Not after what she'd pulled with him. Fucking celebrity bitch thinking she would get away with murder and him hiding the body.

It was a poster from Kerry's tour in Memphis, him shouting into the mic, eyes closed, 'Second Conflict' was written in bright letters all over it. Kerry had signed it for him and V couldn't help but smile softly, looking at the tiny scribbled heart next to the autograph.

No, Kerry deserved an answer.

V looked at his phone again.

"hey :*,

I know you're probably the most busy merc in NC and I really don't want to set your teeth on edge but just wanted to check if you're still breathin and all. would be a shame if not. so just give me a tiny life sign, okay?"

V scrolled through the conversation.

Oh. It hasn't been minutes.

Or hours.

It had actually been a day.

Kerry's last message was a day old and V had written nothing. Ghosting Viktor because he annoyed him with some check up appointments was one thing but V usually didn't even need a damn minute to answer Kerry. So of course he got worried.

"I'm fine", V just send back after what felt like forever to him, struggling to figure out what to write. The moment he'd send the message, he regretted it. Nothing screamed 'I am totally not fine, I am the embodiment of not being fine, I am so far away from fine that I can almost say I am fine again' than a message like this. And prompt came the answer, as expected.

"doesn't sound like you are. where you at? wanna come around? we can talk about if you want. just letting ya know I'm home. you can drop by any time. if you want."

Talk about it. Fuck. That was, to V, the worst option of them all.

"no its okay. am home and tired. will come by soon, promise :)"

He tried it with a smiley even though his face was miles away from a smile. But smileys where good, right? V saw that Kerry was typing. Long text incoming. Great. But then...

"okay."

Nothing else. He was a bit surprised but welcomed the short message that ended this conversation and threw the phone back on the table and himself into the cushions, staring at the TV again.

V couldn't tell how much time had passed when he heard a knock on the door. At first he wasn't even aware of the sound – thought it came from the TV. But then he heard it again.

V sat up, turned off the TV and frowned. The impulse to ignore it was huge and he probably wouldn't have moved his ass from the couch if it wasn't for the voice shouting through the door to him.

"Come on, open up V..."

V's eyes widened and he more or less fell from the couch in his attempt to jump up.

"Shit... what the...", he mumbled to himself and looked around. His apartment was a god damn mess and his brain tried to calculate if he was able to manage to clean it up in like five seconds while he already walked towards the door to hit the button so it could slide open.

"Jeez, finally", Kerry said and pushed himself past V into the apartment. He took off his sun glasses and threw a quick glance into the apartment before he turned towards V. "Thought a guy wanted to rob me in the elevator but turns out he just wanted an autograph. Are you aware that your apartment doesn't have a bell? Or a number...?"

"Yeah."

"Nice... room you got here."

"You could've given me a warning, I would at least put the trash and my dirty underwear away..." It was the first time Kerry visited him in his apartment and this was definitely not how V wanted it to go. He hastily walked over to the couch table and pulled the empty pizza boxes and a few cans into his arm to just stuff it all into the microwave. "That... doesn't go in there", he mumbled after realizing what he'd just done and Kerry rolled his eyes.

"Relax. You've seen the state of my house, really think I am bothered by this..." He walked over to the window and opened the shutter. "But... nice view you got here, gotta admit."

V still stood next to the microwave, leaning against his desk and felt horrible. Now he was depressed and felt awkward! Preem.

Kerry finally turned around, after looking out of the window for a while.

"Ya know someone who writes nothing for a day and then answers with 'I am fine'... usually isn't fine", he said, his voice surprisingly soft. There was mild worry in Kerry's eyes while he studied V's face but V could only think about how gorgeous he looked over there at the window, the neon lights of Night City in his back.

V held Kerry's gaze. He could play that game. But it was actually the concern he saw that let him relent. "Had a few heavy jobs lately. Not in the best state right now", he finally said. It wasn't a lie – but it also wasn't the truth.

"Ahhh. You're stressed. Got something against that, you know...", Kerry said with lowered voice and a wicked smile on his face, walking over to V. He put one hand on his shoulder and his other already reached for V's belt before V stopped him.

"Don't. I'm not in the mood."

That was something Kerry clearly didn't expect. He blinked, irritation widely written all over his face. Seeing this confusion actually made V angry, even though he knew it wasn't Kerry who deserved that anger.

"But I thought... round two and all... I mean... it was wild on the boat! But we didn't really had enough time to thoroughly enjoy each other for a night..."

"Sex's all you want from me? That's what I am for you?", V snarled. This mix of sadness, of anger... it wasn't smart right now to have a conversation. Any conversation.

Kerry backed off and lifted his hands.

"Woah okay. Where is this leading now? Care to tell me what's up? 'cause you know... I'm not only good at blow jobs. Got a black belt at cuddling, too."

V dropped his head. "... sorry", he just mumbled. He felt like something wanted to get out. But it clearly wasn't the anger and clearly shouldn't be directed at Kerry – because his burst just felt as unsatisfying as it was unjustified.

"... and I am a good listener, too, believe it or not. Speak to me. Something is eating you up and it shouldn't. Trust me... I know what I am talking about."

V lifted his head and gave Kerry a tortured look.

"You don't know how, am I right...", Kerry said, his voice now more or less a soft whisper. Then he took a brave step towards V again and grabbed his hands, leading him towards the bed. "Come on. Just try it. Like... let it out. Whatever is going on in that sweet head of yours, spill it. Won't judge. Won't comment. Will just sit there and listen. Alright?"

V accepted reluctantly and found himself sitting at the edge of his bed a moment later, Kerry sitting next to him.

"Two days ago...", he finally started but then shook his head. "No. Wrong start." V took in a deep breath and started over. "I worked on this job for a while now. For a fixer I know for longer. She's been doing research on cyberpsychosis. Wants to find out what makes people go psycho and more important: what can heal them. She's really onto something there. Wants to cure the psychos rather than killing them. I made sure to put the cyberpsychos down without flatlining them for good and she would take them in later. The more I worked on this job, the more I learned about cyberpsychosis myself. And I got it, Kerry. I understand that shit now. To a huge degree, at least. Fuck. Should make my PhD and settle down when this is all over... to understand it, to really get at it, I started to develop something in my cyberdeck. It's a combination of a few breach daemons, system reset viruses and a few other things, I spare you the details... but I found out that you can make someone go cyberpsycho through nothing but a complex virus. Lethal little fucker I created there. Not that easy, though. Needs some low tech, some illegal implants with older software and weaker firewalls to actually eat through but... yeah. It was theory crafting at best and then my ego wanting to see if I can actually write such a program. Turns out I can. Was proud of it – and swore myself to lock that little fucker away for good. Maybe keep it in my cyberdeck for really bad cases though I couldn't think of any case that bad."

V took in a deep breath and risked a glance at Kerry but he just sat next to him, his eyes on V's face, listening to his every word. It was impossible to read for V what was going on in Kerry's head right now. Was he impressed? Maybe scared? Curious? Fascinated? Or rather disgusted?

"And now it was... it was two days ago when the NCPD came to me with this small thing. Some Tyger Claw thugs gave them a hustle. Drug deals or something. No clue. Nothing I haven't done several times already. Usually it's under my pay scale but I was in the neighbourhood and thought: might as well. Same, easy procedure as always. Sneak up on them, get the high ground, check their numbers, break their network, load my sweet little Contagion virus into it and watch them all puke out their lungs. Call NCPD and let the boys arrive to lock them up. Get the money. Easy. But this time I... sat there, on a roof, keeping a low profile. Was working through their firewalls. Shutting down their connective network. Was fucking easy. And while I sat there I wondered... why not. Why not test it out on them. Why not load up my little daemon and watch how and if it works. Their implants are weak, their software out dated. Should' be an easy and fast upload. Something in me... wanted to see it in action. So... I uploaded it into the brain of one of these thugs. I knew the upload would take a few seconds, so I kept myself out of range when I heard one of them getting a phone call. Was a woman. And she said... she... on the phone, she..."

V blinked and pressed his lips together. He felt Kerry scooting closer.

"She said: 'Mommy will be late, sweety. You need to make yourself dinner today.' That was the moment when the upload was complete. And I'm a genius, Kerry... I don't need to tell you that my viruses work... her choom suddenly cried out in horror and madness and started to unload his whole magazine into her guts before he wrecked his whole gang and finally shot himself. Was a blood bath."

V took in a deep breath and then nodded slowly.

"So yeah, Ker", he said, "I created a virus that let's people go cyberpsycho! Nova, isn't it. But that's not the worst. I'm not a killer, Kerry. Yeah I've shot my fair amount of people. More often than not. In self defence... I don't blink when I have to. But it wasn't the case here. The gang had no clue I was around. Could've done it like I always do. Quick, funny Contagion coma and a week of head ache and stomach pain for them behind NCPD bars. But something in me didn't give a flying fuck. I wanted to see them die just to know if my little virus works the way I wanted to. I wasted no thought, not a single thought, on them. That they are humans, too. With lives. Trying to get through it. In this city of shadows. And now there's a little girl or boy out there who has to make themselves dinner for the rest of their life. Fuck."

V buried his face in his hands and waited for Kerry to say something. Probably along the line of 'wasn't your fault, they choose the gang life, they know the risks, they should've seen it coming.'

But nothing like that came, in fact Kerry just said nothing at all so V lifted his head again and turned towards him. He wasn't sure what to expect.

But he clearly did not expect this.

V felt Kerry's hands on his shoulders, forcing him on his back with gentle yet firm pressure. Kerry was above him now, pinning him down, not breaking eye contact. Not even a second.

"Why don't you say something", V whispered.

"What do you want me to say?"

"I don't know. That I shouldn't think too much about it? Shouldn't let it get to me? Because it's part of my job to kill people?"

"That's what you wanna hear...?"

"... No."

Kerry lowered himself down on V's body, bringing their faces closer.

"Sometimes there is nothing to say. No right thing. Think this is one of these cases. But... there is no reason you carry this weight on your shoulders all alone."

"I guess...", V mumbled and felt how he started to lose himself in those eyes that were shining so blue in the grey of his apartment. "Guess I just... my problems should not be yours, Kerry."

"Bullshit. Throw them at me. I can take it."

V chuckled weakly. "I wanted to be the one who protects you from the shadows, remember? Not pull you into them."

"You're fucking strong V, you can do that and punch your own shadows. Just... let me be part of your life, okay? That's all I'm asking for."

"But Ker-"

This time it was V who couldn't finish his sentence. He felt Kerry lips on his own, immediately melting into the kiss. He felt a tension falling off from him, a tension he'd held for hours, no - days now and it even made his body shiver slightly. A low hum escaped his throat and his hand wandered over Kerry's back, up into his hair, clawing desperately into it like he just needed something to hold onto. He almost expected Kerry to start and work on his belt again but instead he just deepened their kiss before he let his lips slowly wander away from V's mouth, treating his neck with tiny kisses that just felt like a soft and warm brush against his skin. And then Kerry rolled off from V and pulled him into a tight embrace. Resting his head against Kerry's chest, V finally allowed himself to relax. He felt the sleep derivation the moment he closed his eyes.

"You're not alone anymore, V."