Hi guys! I wanted to try something else, and this idea came up to my mind. Hope you like it!
Aaand I haven't forgotten or abandoned my other story
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"Benson! My office, NOW!"
The entire room fell silent as the voice of the New York SVU captain echoed from the walls commanding. Their eyes hit the target of the order, who let out a deep sigh and dropped the pen on the table. She had clearly been expecting this, as she didn't seem confused or curious, mostly bored. And even a little frustrated.
Her partner looked at her nervously from behind the opposite table and opened his mouth to say something. His expression was encouraging, maybe even guilty, but she silenced him with her hand as she stood up.
"Don't."
"But…"
"Save your energy, it's not worth it."
And without saying a word, without glancing at anyone in the room, she walked determinedly into her captain's office. When the door closed, almost everyone sighed more or less consciously, and most of them started to concentrate on their work again. However, there were three people in the room who were as little interested in paperwork at the moment as whether it would be sunny or cloudy tomorrow.
"She's screwed," stated Fin, slowly shaking his head. "She's completely out of control."
"Yeah, Cragen is going to kill her," Munch added.
"I thought she would get over it gradually over time, but I don't know..." Nick closed his eyes sadly. "I think it's just getting worse all the time."
"Don't blame yourself," Munch's voice was firm. "You've tried your best, we all have. I never would have believed how completely it could break her."
"It's already been two years after all..." Fin sighed quietly. "I'm really worried about her. Sometimes I…" His voice shattered. "Sometimes I don't even recognize her anymore. It's like she would keep sinking deeper into darkness, beyond the reach of help, and it kills me that I can't do anything."
"Has she ever been this low before?" Nick asked, glancing nervously at the closed door of Cragen's office.
Munch shook his head. "No, she hasn't. She has gone through some hard stuff, tho, but…"
"So what helped then? If there's something that could help and we haven't tried it yet, I…"
However, his sentence was interrupted when he saw the expressions on his colleagues' faces, as they glanced at each other. The pain in their eyes was almost palpable.
"Yes, there was," Fin's voice was low, and for a moment a glimpse of hope lit up in Nick's eyes.
"There was? So why haven't we tried it then?"
"Because…" Munch had to swallow his tears as he glanced at Cragen's office. "Because if he was here, nothing would even be wrong."
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Olivia Benson had always thought of herself as strong. She had grown up in unfavorable circumstances with her alcoholic mother, without a father, found her own path, and finally her own wings. She felt that she was independent and always tried to act as she thought was right. She thought she was good at her job, she enjoyed working with her colleagues, and because of her background she felt she could understand both victims and criminals.
And that's why she was so shocked at how little she knew herself.
She was silent and kept her gaze pressed to her hands as Cragen watched her. It wasn't new, everyone was watching her these days. Everyone's face always had the same expression, a varying mixture of sadness, worry, confusion. But the reason she hated that look, was that in addition to those three feelings, there was always also pity. She hated that people felt sorry for her. She didn't deserve pity, it only made her feel herself more like the one who had caused a disappointment to everyone.
Olivia Benson, the brightest detective of them all. Destroyed by one single loss.
"Olivia," there was Cragen's voice. "I don't know what to say." Then he was quiet for a moment before he sighed and continued: "I'm so disappointed in you."
There it was again. Disappointed. She had been nothing but a disappointment all her life.
"But most of all…" He continued. "...I'm worried. You are completely reckless. Do you realize how much danger you put all of you in?" The irritation in his voice began to grow. "You could have died! It's not your job to decide when to act, it's your job to wait and listen for instructions! You are extremely lucky that because of you, it was only our operation that failed, and we didn't have to carry bodies."
Tears burned in the corners of Olivia's eyes, but she remained silent. What would she have said? She had nothing to say.
Then the anger faded from Cragen's eyes, and his voice took on a pained tone. "I don't know what to do, Liv. I feel like I can't help you anymore. You are slipping through my fingers, fading away, and there's nothing I can do. And you know... If I can't trust my detectives anymore..."
That was when Olivia's head snapped up, her eyes locked on her boss.
"What do you mean?"
"I… Cragen's talking stammered, but then he cleared his throat and looked at her with determination. "I'm sorry, Liv, but I have no other choice."
"You..." Olivia felt as if the last thread of her life, which she was still holding in her hand, slipped from her grip, and the room began to spin in her eyes. "You're firing me?"
"You have to take care of yourself, because I'm afraid if you don't do it now, you'll lose yourself for good. And I don't want to lose you too," his eyes filled with tears, but Olivia was no longer aware of his concern. The only thing she realized was that she was losing the only thing that was still keeping him afloat.
"Please, Cap," she begged with her voice trembling. "Please, I can do better. I can handle this, I…"
"It's been two years," Cragen said quietly. "He's gone Liv, he's not coming back."
"But he hasn't been found, there's a change that…"
"Elliot is dead Olivia! Dead!"
Desperation echoed in his voice, and tears welled up in Olivia's eyes. Of course she knew Elliot was dead. For two whole years, it had reminded her almost constantly that her life would never be the same again.
It had been a normal Monday morning. She had been fighting with her computer when Cragen had come to ask her into his office. Grateful for the interruption, she had walked unsuspectingly into the office, where she was sitting again and listening as the bottom fell out of her life for the first time.
Elliot's missing.
A weekend trip to Long Island.
Shooting.
Blood.
The body was dragged into the car.
Revenge.
Don't put your hopes up.
Pretty sure he's dead.
Two years had passed and there had been no word from Elliot. His body had never been found, but a large amount of his blood had been found at the crime scene, and there was reason to believe that the shooters had taken his body as evidence to someone, who had ordered his murder. Even though his body had not been found, it was practically impossible that he would still be alive. He had probably been already dead before he was pulled into the car.
Olivia had left Cragen's office with her mind completely blank, and miraculously found her way home. She had been lying in her bed for a whole day, not eating or drinking, not answering her constantly ringing phone, her mind and body completely numb.
Elliot was dead.
And after a day the tears had come. She had cried and screamed all night, as if someone had been tearing her soul and heart into pieces. And as she had woken up on the morning of the third day, she had felt as if all the light had disappeared within her. As if someone had removed from her heart the piece that was the only source of light in her soul, which her past had darkened.
And that was when she had realized.
Elliot was the light, that kept her on the side of hope. He was a part of her, she needed him to live.
And without Elliot, she was lost, on a path to darkness with no way out.
"I know he's dead," Olivia heard herself to say. "But I want you to know, that this job is the only thing I have left. You want me to take a break that I could find myself again, but if you take this away from me, I…" Her voice shattered as she looked at her captain desperately. "…I can't guarantee it won't break me for good."
An oppressive silence descended on the office as they both looked at each other. Cragen seemed to be thinking hard, a rollercoaster of emotions reflected from his face, but then he walked behind his desk and opened a desk drawer.
"This can be a terrible mistake," he started slowly looking for the right paper. "But I may have to give you one last chance."
Olivia's face brightened. "Anything, Captain. I can do anything."
Cragen looked at her evaluating for a moment more before placing the paper on his desk.
"There's one open case, that requires undercover."
But before Olivia could pick up the paper, he stopped her by grabbing her arm and looking her straight in the eye.
"But it's in Texas."
