Thank you to the beta of this chapter- Born-of-Elven-Blood

Chapter Thirty - Not Our Choice

Severus paced around his lab, dividing his attention amongst three different cauldrons. It was a difficult task, but not impossible if one was skilled enough. He was very skilled indeed, but even for him it proved a challenge, and that was exactly what he wanted.

For the past four days when he wasn't teaching he had done nothing but brew potions, scarcely even pausing to eat or sleep. The Hospital Wing was stocked for the rest of the year, possibly longer, and he was burning through the school board's allotted budget for ingredients, but he couldn't bring himself to stop. As long as he focused on the bubbling of the potions, he didn't have to think about Harry.

Severus was a man familiar with the sickening sting of regret, but it had been a long time since he'd made such an unforgivable error in judgement. He'd known Harry was a danger to himself and still he left him alone. After the day spent with Minerva, something had shifted in the boy's expression, opened and softened… he'd come through so much already... even though he was hurting, he'd felt sure he wouldn't do anything… But no - whatever justifications he could conjure up, he'd been wrong and now Harry was paying for his mistake. It was his fault, and he couldn't escape it.

He added six lacewing flies to one cauldron, then turned swiftly to pour two dollops of horklump juice into the second. It turned an icy shade of blue. The same color as Harry's lips when he'd found him on this very floor. Severus squeezed his eyes shut briefly, then turned to count eel whiskers into the third.

But the memory of the boy writhing and bleeding on the floor would not leave his mind. He'd seen worse as a Death Eater, but somehow this was still the most gruesome of them all. If he had been mere seconds later...

The sixth whisker turned the potion bright red, and he stirred it eight times counterclockwise.

Thank Merlin the boy's meddlesome friends turned up when they did. They were the ones who should have been watching over him from the beginning. Them and Molly Weasley with her incessant mothering.

Back to potion number two, whisk three three times briskly. Then add four drops of doxy tears to number one. When he nearly added a fifth, he realized his hands were trembling. He set the vial hastily aside and turned his attention to a carefully counted stack of lizard eyes beside caudron three. He dumped them unceremoniously into a mortar and began grinding them furiously into a fine paste.

What had he been thinking, to imagine an uncaring, antisocial curmudgeon like himself had any business trying to help anybody, much less a traumatized teenager? He wasn't made for caring. He wasn't good for anything but hurting people. He'd hurt Lily, and now he'd hurt her son.

The plain truth was... Harry better off without him.

The pestle slipped sideways under the force of his twisting and overturned the mortar. The liquified eyes splattered across the countertop. Cursing roundly, he slammed the pestle down on the counter, digging the heel of his other hand into the socket of his eye to ward off the beginnings of a headache.

Cauldron three was ruined with the loss of the lizard eyes. Cauldron one was belching lavender fumes, and he must have missed a step in cauldron two, because it should be a clear emerald green, not the rotting spinach shade it was currently curdling into.

What the hell was he doing? How had he come to this? And why in Merlin's name did it hurt so much?

Severus sighed heavily and was about to vanish the whole mess and start over when he heard pounding on his chambers doors.

…..

"Can we please talk about this some more?" Ron yelled after Hermione as she stormed through the dungeons towards Snape's chambers.

"I'm done talking! I want to make things right!" Hermione retorted, stopping at Snape chambers and pounding on the door. "We should have never made that decision for Harry, it wasn't our place. Harry should have been there to answer for himself."

"Perhaps the reason he wasn't there was because he was in the Hospital Wing after just having his stomach pumped! You didn't see Hermione...he could have died...he almost did and now you want to bring him back so he can do the same thing? What if we aren't there to interrupt him next time? What if next time he is dead by the time we get to him?"

"That won't happen. I know you don't believe me, but I know that Harry wants to live. He asked about the DA, he asked us to keep it running. Why would he ask us to do that if he didnt care?"

"Hermione..." Ron sighed softly, his voice filled with sorrow. "He has so many potions running though his system at the moment, he probably didn't know what he was talking about. He didn't even remember us telling him that we were going to see him today."

"Just because he doesn't remember doesn't mean he doesn't care! Besides, you saw him, he isn't doing well at the Burrow. If he wants to come back to Hogwarts then he should. It wasn't our choice to make for him! We should never have done it." Turning decisively away, she pounded on the door once more. "Professor!"

"Perhaps he isn't in," Ron commented.

His hopes were dashed an instant later when the door finally whooshed open to reveal the scowling visage of a very unhappy Professor Snape.

Severus would never show it, but the moment he opened his door his heart dropped. Weasley and Granger had been set to visit Harry today. If they were here then… no… it couldn't be… surely Molly Weasley of all people wouldn't have let the boy...

"Harry?" he found himself demanding.

"Professor… er, yes, we need to talk to you about Harry," Hemrione said haltingly, which only twisted the knife of worry in his gut.

Stepping aside, he ushered the Gryffindors in and waved them towards the sofa. Sinking down onto the seat opposite them, he steeled himself and waited for them to speak first.

For all the noisy knocking, now that they were inside they were all reticence. Several minutes passed in awkward silence during which Weasley fidgeted, Granger chewed on her lip and Severus fumed, inwardly alternating between terror and ire. Finally, Hermione broke the silence.

"We've been awful friends toward Harry!" she exclaimed.

Severus felt something shudder and loosen inside him. So they had not come to tell him the boy had… he mentally shook himself, irritated with his own imagination and at the fear and worry that had taken such an absolute hold at the thought of the child in danger. He cocked a severe eyebrow at the girl in front of him.

"Last I checked, you saved his life," he said, his tone implying that she was being rather dim. Ron tensed, but Hermione only worried at the sleeve of her robe without acknowledging the implied insult.

"We made a decision for him which wasn't ours to make. We shouldn't have done it. Since this all started, no one has really listened to what Harry wants. We've all been worrying and talking amongst ourselves and making decisions for him. But all along, we should have been asking him directly," she explained. Squaring her shoulders, she glanced up. "We went to visit him today and he asked us to talk to you. He wants to come back to Hogwarts… wants to come back here, I mean, to stay with you.

Severus stilled. "Miss Granger…"

"And I think it's a good idea. He's not doing well at the Burrow."

Severus sat in silence as he let the information sink in. It would be easy to feel smug in the knowledge that he'd been right about that, but all he felt was a painful twinge behind his breastbone, followed by a wave of uncertainty.

"Even if I had any say in the matter, my chambers are not safe, there are too many…"

"Harry won't try and kill himself again," she quickly cut in. "I know he won't."

Both Severus and Ron let out a long sigh which made her press her lips together in anger.

"It's normal to be in denial over what…"

"I'm not in denial!" She cut him off once more, courageously ignoring the way he narrowed his eyes at her impertinence. "We've seen him hurt so many times, but this… this was different and I know it!" She took a shaky breath. "But I also know I'm not wrong."

"You cannot know, Granger," he retorted, "unless you've developed a sudden penchant for divination, in which case I suggest you go waste Professor Trelawney's time instead of mine."

"Don't talk like that," Ron interrupted. Snape turned a glare on him and he swallowed hard, but persisted. "Don't talk like this doesn't involve you. Like you don't care. I don't pretend to understand all this, and I don't know if 'Mione is right or wrong, but if she is, you've got no right to run scared after…"

"How dare you!" Snape snarled, starting forward in his seat. "I am not…!"

"...when we went to visit him…" The quiet intensity of Hermione's tone cut through the angry bluster of the two males like a hot knife, silencing them, "...he asked...well...we can't really tell you..."

"Is it about that little club you cooked up, the one you hold in the Room of Requirement?" Severus sneered at their identical expressions of shock. "You aren't as sneaky as you might think. And incredibly lucky that no one else has noticed."

Hermione blinked rapidly in alarm, but cleared her throat and rallied. "Harry asked about it, back at the Hospital Wing… and again just now before we left him… people who want to die don't ask about that kind of stuff. Harry still cares, he cares which means...which means...I don't exactly know, but I do know he needs to come back to Hogwarts. He needs to be near to the things he cares about, to reconnect with what's important to him. He needs to find his sense of purpose, and remember how to fight through. He just… needs to be here!"

Severus ground his teeth for a heavy moment, wanting little more than to toss the pair right out of his chambers and escape back into his lab. But the girl's logic had a ring of truth to it, and the boy's accusation galled him, even more so because it also had a ring of truth. He was scared, and he hated it. He had enough masters to answer to without submitting to his fears as well. Not without a fight.

"The danger of another suicide attempt remain very real, whatever you may think…"

"We will take turns, Ron and I, in watching Harry, to make sure he doesn't do anything," Hermione said eagerly, sitting straighter as she sensed an impending victory. "We won't run anymore either."

Severus regarded the two for a long moment, then nodded grudgingly.

"I believe you. But it is not my decision. The Headmaster has the final say."

"Then talk to him! Harry is suffering at the Burrow. I think he feels more lonely there than if he were actually alone, and it's killing him just as surely as those potions, just more slowly. Please Professor, you need to bring him back!"

Severus frowned as a renewed frisson of unease threaded along his spine. The girl sounded as though she worried that Harry might try to harm himself again if he was forced to stay at the Burrow any longer…

"Easier to ask forgiveness than permission…" he muttered to himself.

"Sir…?"

"Go back to your dormitory. I will send an owl later to inform you of further developments."

The two were barely out the door, which slammed solidly in Granger's face as she tried to thank him, before Severus had his coat in hand and was headed for the floo.

Sod Dumbledore. The children's argument had merit, but the Headmaster was slippery as an eel and often totally convinced of his own way of thinking. He might disagree, and Severus couldn't take that chance. Not when Harry's life might once again hang in the balance. He tossed a handful of floo powder on the hearth and called for the Burrow before disappearing in a flash of green flame.

Out in the corridor, Ron considered Hermione, who was frowning at having the door slammed in her face. "I hope you're right about this," he said as they started back towards Gryffindor tower.

"Have I ever been wrong before?" she commented, and Ron could only smile in response.