Elliot grinned and sat up. The movement caused his abs to tense, and Olivia to swallow.
Okay now, Benson. What's wrong with you?! He's your best friend who has just "resurrected" and can't remember who he is. You better take a cold shower.
"Have you ever tried painting a fence?"
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Olivia had taken a shower, a cold one, but the sweat was running down her back again. Painting the fence didn't require patent intelligence, but under the hot sun it was more difficult than she could have imagined. She wiped her forehead with her sleeve and lifted her gaze to the other painters.
The farm offered travelers a discount on accommodation if they participated in the farm's work. Renovating and painting fences was a very traditional job that tourists also enjoyed doing. In addition to Elliot, there were also several permanent workers on the farm, but they generally did more demanding work, and Olivia hadn't had time to get to know them yet. Cragen's voice pounded in the back of her head, but she tried to convince herself that she would still have time to do it.
Your last chance.
However, the cases that required undercover were often very tricky and didn't always last only a few days. She had spent a good while in Oregon, for example.
For too long.
Damned Dani Beck.
That woman was something that Olivia preferred not to think about, because the more she thought about it, the more "what if" started to spin in her mind.
What if she hadn't gone to Oregon?
What if she had stayed to support Elliot, her partner whose life was falling apart with Kathy's departure. Her partner who needed her more than ever.
"I'm your partner, for better or worse."
"You and this job are about the only things I've got anymore. I don't want to wreck that."
Nevertheless, she had left. Not because she didn't want to stay, but because she had had to face her feelings genuinely for the first time.
And that had scared the shit out of her.
So instead of facing her feelings and herself, she had run away. She hadn't been the partner Elliot would have needed, or the partner he would have deserved. She had come back, tho, but the situation had changed: Elliot had fallen in love with his temporary partner, or at least had a crush on her, and after getting over her he had gone to Kathy. Soon after that Eli had been born, and he had gotten back together with his wife.
And during the dark hours of the night, her mind hadn't given her peace.
What if I hadn't left?
What if I had been there for Elliot when he needed it the most?
Would he have gone back to Kathy?
Dani Beck and Kathy had made her close her heart and deny her feelings because it had been easier. She had accepted the fact that she and Elliot were just best friends. She had realized that it was better that way, because they could continue as partners, and everything would go on as before. She had repressed all her other feelings, made herself believe that nothing had ever been different.
Besides, why would have Elliot seen her as anything else but a friend? Compared to Dani Beck and Kathy, she was just her. Same old Liv, his partner. There was nothing special about her.
But sometimes, during the darkest nights of all, when the rain drummed against the windowsill and the world had quieted down to listen to the rumble of thunder, a small, barely audible voice had whispered in her ear. And even though the voice was small, it was there, and in her ears, it sounded louder than the thunder raging outside:
If you hadn't left and Elliot hadn't met Dani, could it have been me?
"Hi," there was suddenly a voice from behind her, and Olivia flinched. She had been so deep in thought that she hadn't heard anyone coming. She turned to look, and her heart skipped a beat, because for a moment she thought she saw Elliot's ex-wife. The woman's blonde hair and blue eyes glittered in the sunlight, and Olivia had to blink. But then she realized that the woman was not Kathy, but a tourist a little younger than her.
"Hi," Olivia answered, and wiped the sweat from her forehead again.
"Can I paint here? The sun doesn't dazzle the eyes here, unlike over there," she waved her hand towards the opposite side of the fence.
"Sure," Olivia dipped the brush in the paint and started paint the fence again. The woman settled a short distance away from her and took a sip from her drinking bottle.
"I'm Hannah, who are you?"
"Emily, nice to meet you," Olivia answered. "Have you stayed here long?"
"No, we came here last week. This is already the third summer we've stayed here with my son Mike. He's taking care of the chickens," she gave a laugh as Olivia started to look around. "We usually stay here for a whole month."
"Really? Is it always this hot here?" Olivia asked as she opened her own water bottle as well, and Hannah shook her head.
"No, it's usually quite tolerable here. You've been in Texas before?"
Olivia closed the bottle and threw it onto the grass. "No, I haven't. I'm actually visiting my cousin, James, who works here. I arrived here yesterday."
But hearing the name ignited a new glow in Hannah's eyes, and a smile spread across her face. "Really? You live with him?"
Olivia's hand moving the brush slowed, and she frowned unconsciously.
"Yeah...?"
However, she didn't have time to say more, because just then Elliot appeared from behind the building. He was wearing black shorts and a red tank top, that highlighted his trained upper body. Seeing Olivia, he grinned, and her mouth suddenly felt dry despite she had just drunk water.
I must have sunstroke.
Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed how Hannah's being suddenly changed, she straightened her back and tried to brush her hair. Elliot walked up to them with a soda bottle in his hand.
"Hi Emily and… Hannah?"
"Hello, James, how's your day?" There was suddenly a sweet tone in Hannah's voice, and Olivia wanted to roll her eyes. However, Elliot didn't seem to notice, but smiled and shrugged.
"Pretty okay, a little too hot. I can see you two have painted hard," he laughed and wiped Olivia's nose with his thumb. His surprising touch made her freeze, but at the same time warmth began to tingle in her limbs. "You have painted yourself, too."
"Really?" She rubbed her nose, where Elliot's touch was still feeling like an odd tickle. She didn't understand what was happening to her.
"I've got you a soda," he said and handed her the bottle. It was cold, and its surface was wet, and Olivia pressed it against her forehead.
"Thanks."
"So, James," Hannah flipped her blonde hair and touched his arm. Then, out of nowhere, anger flashed inside Olivia, and realizing it only gave it more power.
This can't be happening.
Not now, not again.
"Would you like to take me and Mike to that spring we visited last year?"
Olivia suddenly felt like she would have been back in Cragen's office after coming back from Oregon and seen how Elliot touched Dani, smiled at her… She stood up and shook her clothes. She couldn't do this again.
"I'll go into the shade for a while."
Elliot glanced uncertainly at her, but Hannah was blocking his way. Olivia left to head for the nearest shadow without looking behind, tears of anger burning in the corners of her eyes, and she hated herself.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Why can't I just be happy that Elliot is alive?
She sat down in the shade against the wall of the building and closed her eyes. She felt as if that small, barely audible voice, that had whispered to her in the darkest and loneliest of nights, had returned. But this time it no longer whispered; it spoke aloud. And its voice grew louder the more Hannah tossed her blonde hair and looked at Elliot with her twinkling blue eyes.
Leave him alone!
You don't know him. He's not James, he's Elliot. Elliot Stabler, my partner, my best friend.
He's my Elliot.
The last thing the voice said to her, scared her. She couldn't think like this, Elliot wasn't hers. She had no right to think like this, she didn't understand why she was suddenly thinking like this…
"Everything okay?"
A voice next to her startled her, and the soda bottle almost fell from her hand. She opened her eyes and met Elliot's blue eyes. And suddenly she felt that she had lost her ability to speak.
"I… Yeah… Just… New York must have another sun."
"I know, it's burning."
"So... It's nice to go to swim later, then?" She asked as she took a sip of her soda. The coldness of the drink brought much-needed relief to her body, which was going into overdrive. She tried to sound casual, but Elliot looked at her evaluating for a moment.
"Nah, tonight the owners of the farm will throw a barbecue party for all the workers and tourists. It's a good opportunity to get to know everyone here."
"Oh, okay. Sounds nice." But then the question escaped her lips before she could stop herself: "But will you take them to the spring some other day? I believe her son would like that."
Elliot grinned, grabbed the soda bottle from her and took a sip.
Just like the good old times.
"Maybe, you okay with it?"
Olivia was happy that her face was already flushed from the heat, because she felt herself blushing.
"Sure, why wouldn't I?"
Elliot shrugged and handed the bottle back to her. "I don't know, just asking. Or maybe I'll take you there instead."
The suggestion came so suddenly that Olivia almost inhaled the soda. She cleared her throat and raised one eyebrow.
"So that's what this is about. You want to take all the women to swim? And no ulterior motives at all?"
"What? No! I mean… I…"
"Save yourself, don't say more," Olivia said and stood up. "I'm going to continue now, see you at your cabin?"
"Sure."
And then she turned on her heels and started marching back to Hannah and her paintbrush. But when she had turned her back on Elliot, an inexplicable joy began to bubble up inside her, and she had to bite her lip to keep a wide grin from spreading across her face.
"Maybe I'll take you there instead."
