Okay guys… I'm so sorry. I've been very busy the whole week, it was my last week at work, my cousin was visiting us…
But here I am again with a new chapter.
And… I booked my first trip to New York! I'm so excited to leave Europe for the first time of my life.
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"You know the farm worker, my "cousin" James?"
"Yeah?"
"He's Elliot."
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The silence on the other end of the phone was palpable, and for a moment Olivia thought Cragen had dropped his phone.
"Captain? Are you still there?"
No answer.
"Cap?"
But then there was Cragen's stifled voice as he cleared his throat.
"Yeah, I-I'm still here. What did you say?"
Olivia sighed and turned her gaze back to Elliot, who had climbed from the water and was approaching her with a questioning look on his face. Drops of water ran down his body, and she had to swallow.
"Elliot… He's alive. He's here, and he doesn't remember anything."
"He doesn't remember... What do you mean?" Olivia could almost hear Cragen sit down on his chair and frown. "Are you sure it's him? Considering how upset you've been, it's possible that…"
"Of course I know it's him! Something happened after the shooting. I don't know how, but somehow he has ended up in Texas as a farm worker. He doesn't remember his family or his past, but…"
"Does he remember you?"
Cragen's question was sudden, sharp. It made the words get stuck in Olivia's throat, and she glanced at Elliot, who had stopped in front of her, forming the words "Is everything okay?" She suddenly felt like she didn't want to tell her captain everything, it felt too personal. Too intimate. It was as if she and Elliot had something shared, something hidden that she wanted to cherish, that she wanted to keep to herself and didn't want to share it with anyone else. And so she heard herself say:
"No, he doesn't."
"Have you told him?" Cragen sounded suddenly disappointed, and Olivia shook her head to confirm her words, even though he couldn't see it.
"No, I haven't. It's… Too complicated, you know."
"Yeah… How are you feeling?"
"I…" She looked at Elliot, and suddenly she didn't know what to say. The past few days had been one storm of emotions, and because of Oliver's death, she hadn't had time to stop and process them. Above all, she was feeling relief, confusion, and joy. Losing Elliot had derailed her life in a way she could never have imagined, but she had gotten him back. She was feeling disbelief and happiness she had never felt before. But on the other hand, she was also feeling fear, fear that she would lose him again. Now that she knew what it meant to lose Elliot, she knew she couldn't go through that again. And deep down, she knew that it was one of the things that kept her from admitting her feelings for him.
"Well… I've been better. This is… Insane."
Insane.
That was the word that summed it all up at the moment.
"I can only imagine," Cragen's voice was sympathetic, soft. "Are you sure you can continue?"
"Yes," Olivia answered quickly. "I can handle this, I promise."
"Good…" Cragen was silent for a moment, and seemed to be thinking. His voice was hesitant when he finally asked: "Can I talk to him?"
Olivia looked at Elliot, and suddenly she realized that she couldn't let Cragen talk to him until she had talked to Elliot first. She had told her captain that Elliot didn't remember anything, and if he did reveal something to him… Then Cragen would realize she wasn't telling everything, conclude that this was all too much for her, and send her home.
Your last chance.
She would lose her job and Elliot, and she couldn't take that risk.
"I'm sorry, but he's not here."
"Oh, okay."
The disappointment in Cragen's voice made guilt stab through Olivia's heart like a knife. She knew she wasn't the only one who had mourned Elliot's 'death'. She had seen the dark rings under her captain's eyes, smelled the alcohol on his breath, and she knew much he had struggled to get himself back mentally.
But she couldn't.
Not now.
Not yet.
For a couple of seconds, Cragen was silent, but then he cleared his throat: "Anyway, say him hello for me. And Olivia… Be careful. Don't… Don't do anything stupid, okay?"
"I won't. Bye!"
Olivia ended the call, shoved the phone in her pocket and looked up at Elliot, who was still staring at her questioningly.
"Who was it?"
"It was Cragen, our… My captain."
"You told him about me?"
"Yeah."
"What did you say?"
Olivia ran her fingers through her hair and turned her gaze to the spring where Hannah and Mike were clearly waiting for Elliot. "I told him you don't remember anything."
Elliot narrowed his eyes, crossed his arms and looked at her evaluating. Even though she wasn't looking at him, his penetrating gaze felt reaching into her soul.
"You didn't tell him I remember you?"
Olivia's mouth suddenly felt dry, and she didn't know what to say. Instead, she shrugged.
"No, I didn't."
"But why?"
She sighed, closed her eyes for a moment and then looked Elliot in the eyes. The intense gaze of his blue eyes made her legs suddenly feel like jelly.
"It's complicated."
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It was already late, but Olivia was sitting at the kitchen table with the farm case file that she had received before she had left New York, her notes and a map of the farm's surroundings. She was having a headache as she tried to make sense of the quickly scribbled notes, and the photos of the farm workers began to blend together until they all looked the same to her.
She brought the picture of the farm owners closer to her face and snorted. Based on the attitude, they would have been prime suspects, but the lack of motive spoke against their guilt. There was no reason for them to kill the children of tourists as it was not in any way for the benefit of tourism. The nearest neighbor was in Dallas, so he couldn't be guilty, and she had been able to rule out also a few employees as suspects, as they had been at the party at the time of Oliver's disappearance.
But it isn't impossible that they belong to some of the same group that systematically kills children.
She let out a frustrated sigh, threw the picture of the farm owners back on the table and rubbed her eyes. Since her arrival at the farm, everything had been like a chaos, and it was clear that she needed sleep. Her sleep-deprived brain wasn't working at all as efficiently as usual. She lowered her head on the table and closed her eyes, hoping that she could solve the case without thinking.
"Liv?"
Elliot had entered the kitchen so quietly that Olivia hadn't heard him, and she quickly raised her head. The sudden movement made her head spin, and Elliot looked at her worriedly.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, just frustrated. I can't find any link between anything," she picked up some papers from the table again, and Elliot sat down across the table. He picked up the paper, leaned back in his chair and scratched his cheek, and the sight was so familiar that tears welled up in Olivia's eyes.
How much she had missed this.
She and Elliot.
Benson and Stabler.
Solving the case.
Together.
"I would suspect Mr. and Mrs. Jackson, the owners of the farm, if I could come up with a motive," he said, causing Olivia to smirk.
"I was just thinking the same thing. These workers…" She handed the pictures to Elliot. "...They were at the party, these three weren't."
Elliot looked at the pictures of the absent workers in turn, then shook his head. "These three, Amanda, Harry and Simon… I don't think they did it. I've worked with them a lot and they're great people. If they did it… I don't know what to believe anymore."
"Have they talked about their problems lately? Problems with family, with children..."
Elliot frowned thoughtfully, but then shook his head again. "No, they haven't. They are all single and have lived on the farm for several years. Except…" Elliot grinned and looked up at Olivia. "These two, Amanda and Simon, the tension between them is so high that they will explode if they don't ba-…"
"Okay," Olivia grabbed the pictures back from Elliot and handed him a map, where she had circled the rest of the nearest neighbors, excluding Mr. Murdoch's house. "How about these neighbors? What do you know about them?"
Elliot placed the map in front of him and looked at it for a moment before pointing to one of the circles. "A couple with two school-age children lives in this house. In this house…" He pointed to the next circle. "There lives an old lady who is still able to live alone at home. And this…" He pointed to the last circle. "This house is empty at times. It is owned by one rich man who lives elsewhere but bought the house as a vacation home."
"Should we go and interview them anyway? I mean, if they have some relatives visiting or…"
"Sounds reasonable," he nodded, stood up and walked next to Olivia. "But now…" He took the papers from her hands, put them on the table and lowered his hands on her shoulders. "You need sleep."
Olivia frowned and opened her mouth to protest, but then a yawn escaped her lips before she could stop it. She gave a sigh of surrender and stood up, but Elliot kept his hands on her shoulders and looked at her evaluating.
"How's your forehead?" He asked, concern flashing in his eyes, and he lightly touched her forehead next to the band-aid. Butterflies began to flutter in Olivia's stomach, but she forced a neutral look onto her face.
"I've had worse wounds, I'll be fine."
"I'm sure you've had it, but how's it now?"
Something in Elliot's voice made Olivia stop avoiding the subject, and she sighed.
"It hurts a little, I'll take a painkiller before I go to sleep. Good night," she smiled, turned and Elliot released his grip.
"Night. And remember, I'll have to wake you up a couple of times in the night because of the concussion."
Olivia stepped to the bedroom door, opened it, and looked at the dark room, where the bed suddenly seemed cold and uncomfortable. She heard Elliot start to make up the couch for the night, and suddenly the memory of him snoring next to her the night before made a warm flame flare up inside her. Maybe it was the fatigue, maybe it was the pain of the wound, but it was as if some other force was controlling her body as she turned and said quietly:
"You know... If you have to come to the room at night anyway, you can as well sleep here."
