"What the hell do you think you're doing?!"
And that's when Olivia knew it was time for the conversation she had been avoiding for 12 years.
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"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" Elliot asked again as he stepped closer to her, and Olivia could almost feel the anger radiating from him. It felt suffocating, she had faced it before, but never before had her former partner been so angry with her. She gulped, but despite everything, she stayed put and didn't back away.
Elliot had always been hot-tempered, that's how Olivia had always known him. Over the years, he had not hesitated to use his fists in the face of what he believed to be right, and many criminals had felt that in their skins. When he got angry, he was like a force of nature, unstoppable and unpredictable.
But Olivia wasn't scared. She knew Elliot wouldn't hurt her. Despite his hot temper, he was a good man who she sometimes trusted more than herself.
And so, in front of all that blazing anger, she replied:
"I'm going to Mr. Murdoch's house."
"Alone?!" Elliot's voice was trembling, and he took a step closer. Olivia could almost hear his heart pounding furiously.
"Yes," she answered quietly. Disbelief flashed in Elliot's eyes, and then he turned to rub his face with his hands. Although Olivia wasn't afraid, breathing felt much easier again.
"But why?" He asked, voice still thick with anger, but desperation had begun to seep through it. "Didn't you learn anything from last time?!"
"I…" She started, but Elliot wouldn't let her answer.
"Have you lost your mind, Liv?! You almost died, died last time, and yet you leave to wander here alone again, to a place where an unknown serial killer is killing children!"
"I…"
"I've known you for 12 years, and I know you're irresponsible at times, but this... This is a lot even from you! How do you imagine you'll be able to help children if you constantly have to be rescued because of your choices?!"
And that was the moment Elliot crossed the line. Anger flared up inside Olivia, causing tears to well up in her eyes. She had been reckless, she knew it. She knew that reckless choices didn't help Mike or the other kids, quite the opposite. She also knew that if her and Elliot's roles had been reversed, she would be at least as angry as he was.
So why his words hurt her so much wasn't because of this moment. It was because they had been in this situation before.
"Well you got close and Ryan's dead."
"So this is my fault?"
"I can't do this anymore. I can't be looking over my shoulder, making sure you're okay.
"You son of a bitch, you know that's not true!"
"I need to know you can do your job and not wait for me to come to your rescue!"
The conversation that took place years ago came vividly back to his mind and stabbed her soul like a knife. She knew Elliot hadn't meant his words back then, they had been fueled by his fear and guilt. But that didn't mean they hadn't hit deep, and this time he wasn't even wrong.
Tears began to flow down Olivia's cheeks as she choked out: "You have no right to say that! You know I'm doing everything I can to help Mike!"
"You are?!" Elliot snapped. "It seems to me that you are doing everything you can to get yourself killed!"
"It's my job to save him!" Olivia hated how poorly she could keep her emotions in control at the moment, but she couldn't hold back anymore. "So if that means I have to put myself in danger, so be it!"
Elliot looked at her in astonishment. "Can you hear yourself?! What's wrong with you, Olivia?! Why did you go alone?! This is not the cop I remember. The Olivia Benson I know wouldn't do something so stupid, she wouldn't try to be an immortal hero who catches a murderer on her own with no one to help. Because what you are doing now is not heroic. It's stupid, it's irresponsible…"
But then Olivia couldn't take it anymore. She knew her former partner well enough to know that her lack of speech was only inciting him, and she squeezed her eyes shut as she roared:
"I DID IT BECAUSE I CAN'T LOSE YOU!"
Elliot fell silent immediately, his words echoing in the silent surroundings. She swallowed and clenched her fists without opening her eyes.
"What?" Elliot's voice had quieted down, and Olivia took a deep breath. Her entire body was trembling from the force of adrenaline, and she knew it was reflected in her speech.
"I did it because I can't lose you," she repeated. She heard Elliot open his mouth to answer, but she didn't give him a chance to continue. "You have no idea what I have had to go through. You died, Elliot. Died! Do you have any idea what it did to me? You were my partner, my best friend, the person who... The person I loved the most, and you died. You might want to think that I am strong, that I got over it, that I moved on with my life, that I forgot you, but I didn't. I was a fucking mess, Elliot. I lost the direction of my life, I almost lost my job, and I…" Her voice shattered, and she lowered her head.
"Liv…"
"I thought I lost you, El. I really did. It didn't just break me, it wrecked me. But then, somehow, you were alive after all. I got you back, even though just a week ago I thought I had lost you forever. And now… Now I have to take you with me into life-threatening situations, and it kills me. It kills me just to think about losing you again. I didn't wake you because I don't want to endanger you. I just… I just can't."
Tears watered her cheeks, and suddenly she felt Elliot close to her. She didn't open her eyes though, as she couldn't meet his gaze. He couldn't possibly understand how much she was afraid. Her fear was almost suffocating, it was as if the hands around her neck tightened and the weight on her chest increased every time she thought about losing him.
As a rule, people are afraid of death. They are afraid of their own death, it is because of the survival instinct, but on the other hand, also because of the fear of the unknown. No one knows what happens after death, and uncertainty does not suit human nature. People are also afraid of the death of others; they are afraid of losing the people they love. "Until death do us part." Death is final, not even love can defeat it.
But death comes only once. It knocks on the door when you least expect it, and it comes invited or uninvited. When invited, it is a guest of honor, a awaited event that finally brings peace. But uninvited, it leaves behind darkness, pain and sorrow, the intensity of which no one can expect. But in all its tragedy, it is precisely the unexpected that is merciful. You can't prepare for grief, you can't prepare for heart-wrenching pain, and that's exactly why it's merciful. If people knew about it beforehand, they would become crazy. They wouldn't be able to think about anything but the pain that was in front of them.
And Olivia knew that because she had experienced it. She had felt when her whole world had collapsed, when a suffocating darkness had descended around her, taking all hope from her heart.
She also knew that she might have to experience it again.
And that's why she was more afraid than ever before.
A part of her wanted to escape, to run far away, to leave behind all the fear and pain she was feeling at the moment. A voice in the back of her head screamed at her to obey, to save herself while she still could.
But then she felt Elliot's hand on her cheek, warm and safe. It was like a magic word, it caused warmth to seep into her body through all that fear, and in some inexplicable way calm her. It was like oxygen flowing into her suffocating lungs, and then she knew.
She knew she couldn't run away. She couldn't leave Elliot.
Because without Elliot, there was no sense in her life.
It was completely incomprehensible, she didn't want to depend on another person, but she couldn't help it. Her heart was working against her will and mind, and she had no strength to resist it.
And deep down, she knew she didn't want to go against it.
Then she felt Elliot's arms around her, a shaky sob escaped her lips, and her face fell automatically against his chest. His body was warm, the sound of his heart made the oppressive darkness around them soften, and despite the situation, Olivia thought she had never felt so safe. The evil world couldn't touch her when she had Elliot's arms wrapped around her.
Half expecting him to keep quiet, half expecting him to continue, Olivia took a deep breath as he buried his face in her hair. His breath made her hair lightly tickle her face.
And he answered briefly, barely audible, but it was enough, it summed up everything she wanted to hear:
"I know."
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A little slower chapter, but still necessary.
