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Batman 1939: Three's Company
Chapter 7: Homecoming Queen
Batman clung at the edge of panic.
There was sweat on his neck. He felt a buzz radiating through his limbs like feedback through a speaker. His fingers twitched, so he folded them into fists. His mouth was sandstone, so he swallowed in vain. Blurred gaps crossed his vision, so he closed his eyes. He resisted the urge to take frantic breaths when each steady breath burned half-empty.
Batman's mind had torn when he was young and never fully healed. He had since built a sprawling castle of self-control to entomb the old scars. But there are damages that a mind cannot fix on its own: chronic nightmares, episodes of rage, and tonight, panic. They had fallen into a battlefield of sorcerers. What hope did they have when reality was putty in the hands of madmen? This near-panic brought memories: little Zatanna forcing a rabbit into a hat, Wonder Woman's sneer as she crushed his ribcage, Catwoman freezing to death in his arms, his father bleeding in an alley, Faust and the cops abducting Zatanna, now a terrified woman, Der Wehrwulf using him as a puppet gunman. Waves of anxiety crashed over Batman while his self-control bailed water, a stalemate just short of drowning.
Catwoman stood behind Batman and watched him squeeze his hands. She sympathized - punching through chairs was hard on the knuckles. Still, she was surprised the Dark Knight could be so aloof given the hammer blows of news Zatanna had just received: her father was a killer, her mother was a witch, her father had killed most of her witchy relatives, and the survivors were here for payback. Catwoman was barely a rubbernecker to the drama and already had a headache. Batman ought to say something to the poor girl.
Catwoman stepped up and nudged Batman's arm. You okay in there?
Batman's body language was garbled. His throat flexed and each breath was a silent huff. He seemed off-balanced. Finally he turned to her, but Catwoman needed a moment to be sure he was giving her what passed for eye contact. She prodded him again and nodded expectantly toward Zatanna. Go be nice. He was the hero after all. Even a self-centered thief knew that.
Batman looked. Zatanna sat in front of them, lost and choking on anguish. He straightened with a short nod. Catwoman watched as he stepped around Zatanna's chair and stood at her side. Zatanna looked up. Her melancholic slouch jolted to surprise as she watched as he moved his hand toward hers. An inch away he hesitated. His fingers twitched and he pulled back. Zatanna tried to peer through his lenses.
Before either spoke, Catwoman sauntered around and clasped Zatanna's other hand with hers. "What he's trying to say is 'Chin up, we're going to get through this just fine'. Isn't that right, Batman?"
Batman set his jaw and stepped back.
Catwoman said, "Sorry, he's usually more talkative."
Zatanna watched him over her shoulder. "I hear it's the thought that counts," she said idly.
Batman appraised Shadowcrest who was looming at the fireplace. He swallowed again and forced his vertigo aside. "You told us that Zatanna would never leave this place on her own. You have a plan. Why haven't you shared it?"
Zatanna shook her finger. "Good point. If our lives are on the line, why the runaround?"
Shadowcrest looked down at Zatanna. "You, Mistress. Although I am feeble at shows of empathy-"
"No kidding."
"-I can see these revelations cause you grief. I wished to let you rest before adding to your cares."
"Rest? I'm not a baby," said Zatanna, jumping up. "Who knows how much time we have? Spill the beans."
"I know how much time you have." replied Shadowcrest. "I shall spill no beans. The threat is grave but not urgent."
Catwoman crossed her arms. "So we're supposed to stand here like bumps on a log until you think your new gal is looking perky enough?"
Shadowcrest said nothing.
Catwoman looked at Batman. "I don't get it. What's going on?"
Batman stood tightlipped, pushing down his panic to watch Shadowcrest. It watched him back intensely. "It's waiting," said Batman in a curious tone.
"For?" asked Catwoman.
Batman realized his hands had stopped twitching. "Shadowcrest is the house. It welcomed us."
"Even gave us tea. So?"
"It welcomed us, but it delayed us. Kept us outside. It was waiting then as well."
"This is taking forever," said Catwoman, tapping her foot, "Hey, Shady, if we leave, are you going to drop a brick on our heads?"
Shadowcrest ignored Catwoman and continued to stare at Batman with a singular intensity.
Batman no longer felt the need to swallow. He asked Zatanna, "What did you see when you arrived, Zatanna? You mentioned a fight."
Zatanna nodded. "Faust and the Bludhaven officers - well, I guess they're not really officers - they brought me inside the house. Then my dad showed up, but he wasn't my dad, he's some kind of ghost and I guess also a property manager, and he could make the candles burn hotter. I'm sorry, I know none of this story makes sense."
"Go on."
"Faust and my ghost-dad-property manager start arguing."
Batman's sight began to clear. "About what?"
"Faust wanted to go through the house, and dad, I mean Shadowcrest, wasn't happy about it. At least I think that's what they said. Have you ever listened to a real old professor? The sort who sounds like he learned to talk a hundred years ago? They were both like that. I do remember Faust bragging that Shadowcrest's 'sentries' failed to stop him at the 'portal'. I guess he was referring to you two jumping him near that weird doorway in the burned building."
"We're not anyone's sentries." said Catwoman.
"You're not?" asked Abdiel groggily.
The other humans in the room looked at him. Abdiel was still slumped in quiet agony over the night's various beatings. He had seemed eager to be ignored, so his question came as a surprise.
"Why would you think we are?" asked Catwoman, raising an eyebrow.
"Because I just …" Abdiel looked among their faces and decided he didn't like scrutiny. "Nothing. Just seemed funny."
Batman noticed Shadowcrest was still staring at him, somehow with even more mechanical intensity since Abdiel's interruption. The investigative engine of Batman's mind upshifted a gear and tested the throttle. His panic had gone quiet. Catwoman recognized this little change in Batman's posture and quirked half a grin. Zatanna saw Catwoman grin and questioned her sanity.
Batman, in a firm new voice, commanded Zatanna to continue.
Zatanna nodded. "Faust and the house are trading insults, then all of a sudden the floor starts turning into hands."
"Wait, what?" asked Catwoman.
"That's what I saw. Floor hands."
Catwoman pointed at Abdiel. "What is she talking about?"
Abdiel shrugged. "Y'know, floor hands."
"No, I don't know floor hands. And what were our fake cops doing in all this?" asked Catwoman, turning back to Zatanna.
"Hiding," said Zatanna, "and I don't blame them. The floor hands try to catch Faust but he turns green and starts flying around the room."
"You want to try that again?" asked Catwoman.
Zatanna frowned, trying to mentally rearrange her description before giving up. "You kind of had to be there."
"I'm kind of glad I wasn't."
"Did you see those suits of armor in the hall?" asked Zatanna.
"Yes," said Catwoman cautiously.
"They're alive, and they also fly. Faust knocks a few out of the air with these beams of light from his hands, then one of them cuts off his arm. But then he disappears and reappears at the top of the stairs and destroys the rest."
"Hold on." Catwoman looked to Abdiel.
Abdiel shrugged. "Good summary so far."
"Thank you," said Zatanna. "So all these praying mantises jump out of a painting and swarm the guy, so Faust gives up."
"He surrendered?" asked Batman.
"It seemed that way," admitted Zatanna, "then Faust and Shadowcrest started negotiating, which was strange, since they were just trying to kill each other. Did I get that right, Abdiel?"
Abdiel said, "You forgot the chandeliers."
"Right: the chandeliers turned into shotguns. That was before the mantises. While they're negotiating, Faust rips off his shirt - his arm is growing back by then - and he has a chain sticking out of his chest. At the end of the chain was a locket."
"You could recognize a locket from across the hall?" asked Batman.
"Not at first," admitted Zatanna, "But then the locket starts to grow until it's taller than he is. He opens the clasp, and my inside is my dad!"
"Shadowcrest was inside the locket?"
"No, no, it's - ugh - my dad, my dad-dad, was sleeping inside."
"How do you know it was your father?"
"That's what Faust said. Even Shadowcrest admitted it."
"This is true." said Shadowcrest. "Giovanni is held captive by Lord Faust with a cardial chain."
"Which is?" asked Batman.
"A cardial chain binds the life of its captive to its owner's will. Should Lord Faust die or choose to cease the connection, Giovanni's heart will stop. To my knowledge, the chain is impossible to remove without its owner's consent.
"Giovanni's a hostage."
Shadowcrest said nothing, content to stare.
Zatanna scowled. "Faust said my cousins wanted him to do something to the house. I think he wants to destroy it. Something about a stone. Then he said he'd free my dad and we could all leave."
Catowoman was about to speak but Batman interrupted. "Did he say anything else?"
Zatanna nodded. "Faust wanted to take me along with him. Shadowcrest convinced him to leave me behind with Abdiel and Zachary. So long If they didn't hurt me, he wouldn't bother them."
"Bother?"
"He used the word 'obstruct'. Doesn't that mean bother?"
"Close enough," said Catwoman.
"Well, that's the story. Once Faust left, Shadowcrest disappeared, then Abdiel pointed a gun at me and we all waited until you two showed up."
At the mention of a gun, Batman slowly glared at Abdiel who flinched at the sight. But then Batman glanced again at Shadowcrest. He noticed a pleased tilt to its expression. Acting on an investigative instinct like a wolf tracking a scent, Batman stalked over to Abdiel and began to circle his chair.
"Anything you care to add to the account?"
"No," said Abdiel hastily, "She got to the bottom of it."
"Faust is seeking a stone to destroy the house?"
"Uh, yeah, the keystone."
"Keystone."
"Call it the, um, the magical heart of the house. It's about the only practical way to destroy a place like this."
"And where is it?"
"I have no idea. I've never been here before. But Lord Faust knows."
"He's visited Shadowcrest before?"
"Nah, I doubt it. But he knows just about everything."
"Where is your brother?"
"I dunno. Must'a woke from you roughing him up and split."
"Faust captured Giovanni Zatara. Why pay him to destroy Shadowcrest?"
"We didn't! Not at first. I mean, uh-"
"You didn't?"
"Never mind. Forget it."
"Tell me why, Abdiel."
Abdiel scoffed. "I don't need to put up with this. Lord Faust is just about done, then he'll teach you two-"
Batman, pacing behind Abdiel, seized his collar and slammed a batarang through it, staking his police uniform to the wooden chair. Abdiel frantically reached to free his collar, but Batman caught his arms and twisted them behind the chair. "Hey!" Abdiel cried, feeling his shoulders stretch to the edge of pain. Batman held his wrists together then stabbed another batarang through the thick fabric where the sleeves crossed. Abdiel struggled, but the blade was stuck clean through the wood: his arms were pinned to the chair. He was keenly sensitive to the batarangs' sharp tips pressing against his neck and spine.
Abdiel's protests grew more shrill as Batman grabbed his top of the chair and yanked back, tilting it onto two legs and sending his massive girth rocking. Abdiel whined, "Is this necessar-woah!" His complaint was interrupted as Batman pulled further, levering Abdiel just past his center of gravity. The chair legs creaked. Abdiel sat very still.
Finally, Batman spoke. "I don't know magic, but you look tired. Maybe you can incapacitate us. Maybe you can escape this chair. But I doubt you have the strength to do both." Batman let the chair tip back another inch. "If I disappear, you drop and crush your hands."
Abdiel grit his teeth. "Everybody said Giovanni worked alone. Who are you people?"
"I'm Batman," said Batman.
"There it is," muttered Catwoman.
"I don't know a Giovanni," continued Batman. "But I do catch men who drag women into abandoned buildings."
Abdiel snarled, "So you're some noisy neighbor, dressed like that? Some wannabe cop? I don't buy it, bud, you are so-"
Batman let the chair fall a foot then caught it again. Abdiel let out a noise of pain from his strained shoulders that ended in a high note from the batarang pricking his back flab. Catwoman and Zatanna joined Batman at the interrogation.
"Shadowcrest." said Batman.
"Yes?" asked the specter of the house looming by the fireplace.
"You demanded to know my intentions."
"Indeed."
"Do you know me? Does this Giovanni know me?"
"I have never seen you before." said Shadowcrest. "To my knowledge, you are no colleague of our senechal, but he did not share everything."
"Hear that, Abdiel? I don't know your family drama, and I don't care. My only intention is to take Zatanna home. Once she's safe, I'm-"
"The Lady is home." interrupted Shadowcrest with a touch of impatience. "Your selflessness is laudatory, Batman, but her safety depends on the resolution of her 'family drama'."
"Fine." Batman looked back to Abdiel and asked, "What was your plan with Faust? I want all of it."
Abdiel blanched like he briefly forgot he was pinned to an over-tilted chair by a large muscular man in a mask. "I'm not telling," he said.
"Brave," said Batman. "Catwoman?"
"Yes, Batman?"
"My hands are starting to cramp. Do you mind taking him?"
"Gosh, I dunno," she purred, "he's probably four hundred pounds."
"I can't hold him much longer."
"If you really need a break, I suppose I-"
"Okay! Fine! Stop wiggling the chair!" shouted Abdiel. "We wanted to get rid of Uncle Giovanni, but the old man had the run of this place for decades."
"So?" asked Zatanna.
"Right, you're new to this." Abdiel pursed his lips, trying to cobble hours of explanation into a summary short enough to save his fingers. "Listen, Shadowcrest is special. There aren't many magical strongholds that exist outside of time and space. They're hard to build, and they usually get wrecked by feuds or accidents. But if a home like this survives a few generations, it tends to be chock full with sweet, sweet treasure."
"So?" asked Batman.
"Giovanni wasn't a mage, but we knew he was illuminated."
"You put him under a light?" asked Zatanna.
"No, illuminated: that's what we call someone who knows the lore. He understood mage behavior, tools, that sort of thing. Like I said before, there's all kinds of magical inventions that you mundanes can use. The trick is getting your hands on one and knowing enough that your hands don't turn to cheese. Shadowcrest would have lots of them."
"Your point?" demanded Batman.
"We knew Lord Faust could bring us Giovanni. But we didn't know whether Giovanni had a backup plan."
"I'm sorry," said Catwoman, "a backup plan for death?"
"Sure. Maybe he stored a clone in the mansion. Maybe he hid part of his soul in a clock. Maybe he's a time traveler using the mansion as his temporal anchor. Maybe there are doors here to other realms where his friends would come for vengeance. That's what I thought you goons were."
"But daddy's alive!" said Zatanna. "You didn't kill him."
"I'm getting to that," said Abdiel. "Zach and I knew that if Giovanni had some tricks up his sleeve, it would come from Shadowcrest. So we planned a two-pronged attack. Lord Faust would bring us your dad while we cut Shadowcrest's portal to Earth."
"How?" asked Batman.
"Faust discovered that the portal was hidden in Giovanni's apartment. But we didn't know what sort of security he had protecting the thing. So we played it smart and burned it all down."
There was a stillness as if the air had left the room.
Batman quietly grabbed Catwoman's wrist as her hand bent to claw. He leaned slowly over Abdiel. "You burned down the Lisbon."
"Yep," said Abdiel, "set the incantation across the street. Run-of-the-mill fire actually does a swell job on all sorts of magic if you use enough of it. Didn't work in this case; the portal's sort of indestructible. We had to come up with a Plan B."
Batman said nothing for a moment. Finally, almost casually, he asked, "Did you know that people died in that fire?"
"Hmm?" Abdiel heard a layer of frost in Batman's tone and had tried to sound solemn. "Well, uh, I guess a few people, I mean it makes sense if-"
"Nine deaths so far, forty hospitalized, two hundred residents made homeless." Batman let go of Catwoman's wrist but squeezed her hand. "You and your brother caused more misery yesterday than a cell block of felons will in a lifetime."
Abdiel simply said, "A monster killed my family."
"A monster's going to finish the job."
"Huh?"
Batman pulled the batarang out Abdiel's sleeves and shoved his chair forward. Abdiel's considerable mass ripped the other batarang out of his collar as he flung to the floor. Batman turned and stared into Zatanna's eyes. He silently mouthed the words: stand still. Zatanna nodded, still flinching from his show of force.
Abdiel had risen to his elbows and knees. He was crying, and there was a gash on his chin. As he struggled to stand, Batman put him in a headlock and lifted him to his feet. Batman released him and clapped Abdiel's cheek.
"Ugg! Wha- what are you-"
"Hit me!" barked Batman.
Abdiel stumbled away and folded his hands sinisterly at Batman. He began to mutter in a dark tongue, but he didn't finish his second syllable when Batman backhanded his throat. He gagged and tried to curl up in a ball, but Batman grabbed his lapels and forced him to stay upright.
"Hit me!" barked Batman into his ear.
Abdiel lifted his fists in a sniveling defense and swung. Batman let the blow bounce off and prodded Abdiel in the chest.
"Hit me!"
Abdiel swung again. Batman took a half-step back and prodded Abdiel again, harder.
"Murderer! Hit me!"
Abdiel galloped forward and launched a left-right combo with the finesse of a man who had just discovered hands. Batman ignored them and jabbed Abdiel in the nose.
"Hit me now!"
Abdiel stumbled, half-blind from crying and the strike to his nose, half-deafened from the yelling. He screamed and advanced again, throwing a volley of punches ahead of him.
Batman then performed a move from the ballroom. He pivoted to face Zatanna, clasping her hand and waist. Then smoothly, gently, he led her in a turn, guiding her to take his place. Her steps briskly followed his, as a student naturally follows the dancing master. When they had switched places, Batman let go. Zatanna continued forward for an instant until Abdiel punched her in the ear.
"Ow!" screamed Zatanna.
Abdiel's response, if he had one, was interrupted by a salvo of iron bands breaking through the ceiling and binding him like a metal mummy.
Zatanna marched in a circle, cursing a stream of unimpressive profanities as she rubbed her ear.
Catwoman watched the scene in blank disbelief. She caught Batman's attention and planted her hands on her hips. Did you know that was going to happen?
Batman paused then offered a head-shrug.
He cautiously approached Zatanna, considering what he could say, then Shadowcrest appeared at his shoulder. It stared at him again, but its eyes were softer than before, if not with genuine approval, then at least with a new sort of acknowledgement. Batman had the unsettling impression that it looked more than ever like Giovanni.
Behind Shadowcrest, the middle of the dining room wall folded away, its bricks turning inward by the dozen. In seconds, there was a new arch through which they could see a vast library.
"Come," Shadowcrest commanded. "Now the contest is afoot."
Several minutes earlier.
Far away, deep in the mansion's maze of serpentine halls and cobwebbed chambers, Zachary Cehennem - the self-styled Officer Kravitz - descended an enormous spiral stairwell. He didn't know how far beneath the earth it sunk, hundreds of feet at least, but he had already come far underground through many other stairs and sunken passages to get here, so any sense of distance to the surface was long lost. He couldn't rule out the possibility that the stairwell led straight to Hell.
Given that he was on the trail of Felix, Lord of Faust, this wouldn't be too surprising.
When Giovanni's minions had ambushed Zachary and his brother in the front hall, Zachary was certain he was a goner. The big cut on his nose still stung, and he could feel the boot-shaped bruises along his ribs, but the thugs had left his stunned body to chase after Abdiel. After Zachary came to his senses, he decided his brother was doomed, and it was no good throwing himself to the wolves. Even if his brother was alive, Zachary needed backup. He had to find Lord Faust.
Faust had a several minute head start. Normally, that would be more than enough to evade pursuit. Zachary knew spells to track a person, but magic had countermeasures, and Faust operated leagues beyond any mage Zachary had met. He could nullify Zachary's best efforts in his sleep - if he slept. And Shadowcrest was not a regular building. The architecture gave the strong impression that any attempt to perceive through its walls would probably fail and probably hurt.
Fortunately, there were mundane ways to track a person. For instance, Zachary could follow the gory residue where Lord Faust had crossed the beastly things lurking in the mansion's dim places, and Shadowcrest was ninety percent dim places. Whatever his mystic credentials, Lord Faust didn't mind leaving footprints from the puddles of ooze and ichor that remained of his fights. And where combat had been scarce and footprints ran dry, Zachary watched for simpler signs of passage like broken spiderwebs or melted locks. Perhaps these sounded like obvious clues, but there was a stereotype that older, stronger mages lost common sense as they grew older and stronger, and Zachary Cehennem took pride in avoiding that rut.
Round and round, Zachary crept down the stairs, the dank space lit by some weak sourceless glow. He saw a texture to the shadows below which formed more clearly into a floor as he approached. At the bottom of the stairwell was an open door. Its frame was fitted with many locks and chains, all ruined. Zachary crept to the doorway and peered inside.
The room beyond was a square chamber bathed in deep greenish-blue light, like an aquarium or a forest glade under a full moon. The black onyx walls were etched with geometric patterns. Hundreds of whorls and constellations as small as a thumbprint combined to form larger and larger shapes, the largest the size of a man. Spotting them in one's peripheral vision gave the illusion of movement, making the walls seem to shift wherever one looked. The room was empty, save for a small onyx pedestal in the center. Lord Faust stood over this pedestal.
"Enter, lackwit," he proclaimed.
Zachary cringed and stepped into the room. The air had a dense magical charge, like the hum around a transformer. He suspected both were capable of powering a neighborhood or vaporizing a squirrel.
Zachary bowed. "A thousand apologies, Lord Faust. I-"
"Neglect simple commands, you unexcretable dunce? Indubitably."
"We were attacked, my Lord. I hardly escaped with my life."
Faust finally looked at him. His arm and face were nearly healed, though the mending flesh was bulbous and pale. "There were no wild foes in the front hall." Faust closed his eyes. "And this overbuilt yurt has not violated parlay."
"They were the sentries from the portal. They attacked my brother and I."
"Hmm. Human sentries would mayhaps stand exempt were they beyond the house spirit's authority. Yet they interfered betimes. Had we not just approached? Such alacrity! Perchance both serve a greater master. But whom?"
"Please, Lord. We need to go save Abdiel."
"If he lives, he will live a few minutes more. Wait outside." Faust returned to his work over the pedestal.
Zachary knew that arguing further would be a quick form of suicide. And he was eager to leave this chamber where the walls made him dizzy and the thick air gave him goosebumps. But from here he could see that the pedestal supported a rough wedge-shaped brick: the keystone.
When the brothers discovered last night that the portal to Shadowcrest could not be easily closed, they decided to visit the house itself and destroy it from the inside. Only then could they kill Giovanni Zatara in peace. Lord Faust agreed to help in return for all the plunder he could carry on the way out. Zachary didn't like this plan and decided he ought to research how precisely one destroyed a keystone, to confirm the feasibility of Faust's offer.
The deep magics required to craft a private dimension were obscure to say the least, but Shadowcrest wasn't the Cehennem's only repository of mystic knowledge, and Zachary Cehennem was an ambitious student. As expected, he found that the inner workings of a keystone would take decades to grasp, but his few hours of research were enough to find what it might look like to break one.
Faust was not trying to break this keystone. Instead of cracks, red threads were weaving their way through the porous gray stone. Something was wrong.
Zachary finally managed to stutter, "Ah. Of course, my Lord. I'll, uh, I'll be outside."
He took three steps backwards and began to turn when a green lance stabbed through his side. He cried and tumbled to the floor of the giant stairwell.
"Clever worm!" crowed Lord Faust, walking slowly to the open door. "You noticed, didn't you?"
"I don't know what you-"
"Hist!" Faust pointed a flat palm and another green lance shot at Zachary. But Zachary, though he writhed in pain as his shirt pooled with blood, raised a glowing hand as well. The glow deflected the green lance into a wall.
"Stop," Zachary begged, "please."
But Faust didn't hesitate. He fired another lance, which was deflected as well. Faust closed his fists and punched them together, and a wall of flame rolled from his forearms across the floor. Zachary disappeared in a glittering flash as another dropped him on the stairs.
"I'm tired, whelp. Don't make me chase you." Faust began humming and moving his hands apart in a rounded fashion like he was wiping a globe. A dark orange flicker grew between his hands, sparking brighter by the moment.
Zachary was too exhausted to lift his head. He felt very cold.
He didn't see two ropes twirl out of the darkness above like tentacles of some impossibly-long squid. He barely felt as they wrapped around his arms and lifted him off the stairs, pulling him up the stairwell like a rocket. Then an arc of orange energy disintegrated the stairs and a five yard circle of wall around where Zachary had lain a moment before.
Faust, orange sparks still falling from his fingertips, scowled.
"Zooterkins," he muttered.
