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Batman 1939: Three's Company
Chapter 12: Brujaja
Batman had thought about how to neutralize Shadowcrest since the moment they met, and he still didn't have any ideas.
Shadowcrest watched him with pure hostility. Sharp objects circled its hands like tame bees.
Batman spoke very slowly. "I'm not your enemy."
"Do you serve Faust?" asked Shadowcrest, "Or is he in thrall to you?" A piano and some tables began trembling. "How have you hidden your magics?"
Batman tried to ignore the furniture. "I don't know who Faust is or why he has a bat. It isn't mine."
"It's just a coincidence that you, Batman, visit the Mistress the same night that her enemy rides in on a bat?"
"A mage called Batman would definitely command bats," said Abdiel.
"Shut up," said Batman, Shadowcrest, and Catwoman.
"And you," said Catwoman to Shadowcrest, "You literal blockhead."
"Catwoman," warned Batman.
Catwoman pointed a hand at Batman. "Why would he risk his life all night trying to fight Faust if he had some secret agenda?"
"Why indeed?" said Shadowcrest. "The games of magi are shrouded and subtle."
"Does he look subtle to you?"
"Let's not jump to conclusions," said Zatanna. She fought free of the chair carrying her to the end of the room and marched back. "Batman's a good guy. It says so in the papers." Batman and Catwoman knew she was lying, but they didn't correct her.
"Quiet," said Shadowcrest. "We shall see the hand Faust plays when he reaches my defenses. In the meantime, I will know your intentions, Batman."
The shelf with the wood-cased Philco radio sped to Batman's side so fast that it left skid marks on the floor. The radio dial turned on its own accord. The light flickered, and the speaker hummed static.
A nasally announcer began to speak over the low crackle. "Loyal listeners! Welcome back to Candid Psychic Radio, the only station that plays what's really on your mind! Tonight on our beloved broadcast: an adoring audience comes confessing chiropteran concerns! Prolonged perfidy or regrettable reproach? Drama! Tragedy! Laughs? Only on CPR!"
"Get to it," ordered Shadowcrest.
"Editorial effrontery!" said the radio announcer. "An antagonist to aerial art! For shame!"
Shadowcrest narrowed its gaze. A long crack ripped the radio's wooden casing.
The radio played static, then the announcer spoke again. "Batman is a true friend of the Zataras. He has no clue about the incoming bat. This is CPR. Goodnight." The dial spun and shut the radio off.
Catwoman gave Batman a look that asked, a true friend?
Zatanna gave him the same look, though less accusatory and more concerned.
Batman frowned.
Shadowcrest finally spoke. "Acceptable. Your intentions are beyond doubt." The sharp objects orbiting its hands flew back to their places.
"Don't you owe us an apology?" asked Catwoman.
"You, I owe nothing. He still breathes. We are settled." said Shadowcrest.
"Can I have some more orange juice?" asked Abdiel.
The others looked at him. He looked back innocently. "Feeling lightheaded, y'know. Blood loss and all."
Barbatos flapped through the halls of a house he barely fit, destroying paintings and overturning statues with his wings. Faust, clutched in his claw, smacked against every piece of furniture Barbatos didn't care to avoid, which was most of them.
"So you wouldn't play footie with yer ol' gang, and that set their billy a'boiling," said Barbatos, summarizing what he had just heard.
"Yes," barked Faust, breaking a china cabinet with his face.
"Right. You need a place to wait out the utter dog's breakfast you brought upon yerself, so you traipse here like a bogan, thinking it'll be a piece of piss to nab the whole house."
"Yes," wheezed Faust, breaking another china cabinet with his face.
"Good onya for given' it a burl, aye. Love to see ambition in the kiddies. But then yer old lady gives you a spook."
"She's not my - ow!" screamed Faust, knocking over a shelf of golf trophies with his shins.
"Hold up, boyo. Here's where the party starts."
Faust looked ahead. He could sense that they were about to enter the last corner of the house still under Shadowcrest's control. Between flaps of leather wings, he saw a motley assortment of guardians blocking the hallway. Smoke dogs and metal turnips, fire clowns and spear-carrying spears, horse-sized mantises and bus-sized horses, rude echoes, angry eyes, battle clocks, floor mouths, marble moon mummies, goose gangs from the hoosegow, and a hundred other foul fantastical things that walked, crawled, slithered, stalked, or swung in defense of the house.
Barbatos flapped faster then tucked his wings for impact. He smashed through the line, tossing the defenders like a child scattering blocks. Then he flapped again, turning down the next hallway. Bolts of fire and jets of steam shot from the walls, and the floor rose to crush them, but the house could not crush Barbatos. It only pressed the claw holding Faust deep against Barbatos' enormous furry stomach. Lord Faust found this unpleasant.
"Strange," Shadowcrest said to no one in particular.
"What?" asked Zatanna.
"The giant bat bypassed all my protections with no effort."
"All your protections?" said Catwoman.
"We are surely helpless against it," said Shadowcrest.
"And that's all you have to say?" said Zatanna, "That it's strange?"
"I see my news is disheartening. I have no heart, but I can recognize improbabilities."
"Such as?"
"Faust would not summon a being more powerful than himself. Not unless his judgement was imparied."
"Impaired how?" asked Batman.
"Any common way. Fear, most likely. Possibly greed. It would take a great measure to distract him."
"So the bat may not be playing on his team," said Catwoman.
"That appears to be your only hope. I doubt any weapon in this arsenal would threaten such an indomitable creature."
"Figures," said Zatanna.
"I apologize, Mistress. It is my duty to protect you, but I've left you in the hands of fate."
"Hey, Shady," said Catwoman, "Didn't you say you could launch us out of here to try our luck in the real world?"
"It is too late, palty hanger-on. I need time to open a portal to Earth. There is only one alternate dimension I can reach at the moment."
"Then let's go."
"It is not a welcoming dimension. You would find yourselves short of allies. And light. And oxygen."
There was a distant popping noise. The group turned and saw a brown dot appear on one of the little islands near the horizon.
"The Emergent Sea's illusions do not disorient the bat," said Shadowcrest. "It is heading this way."
"Figures," said Zatanna.
Batman reckoned the island to be two miles away. Appearance of distance was meaningless here, but he tried to mentally calculate the size required for a dot that far to be visible, as it seemed intuitively impossible. He stopped calculating as the dot quickly grew into a figure crossing the water. It was a giant bat.
Catwoman, standing behind Batman, saw his cape shiver without the breeze. She turned an edge of the fabric with her foot and saw his hand tremoring.
Batman knew there would be a giant bat. But a bat the size of a dog would be a giant bat. A bat the size of a car would be a giant bat. This was a different kind of giant bat. He owned buildings smaller than this bat.
As it flapped closer, its shadow covered the floating study and a great measure of surrounding water.
"Can we at least hide behind something?" asked Zatanna.
"Be still," said Shadowcrest. "I will do the speaking."
Ten feet above the study, the bat flicked its claw open. Lord Faust bounced to the floor. The bat then landed on a nice billiards table, crushing it.
Bats do not perch. To land, they fold their wings and lay forward. The giant bat did just that, knocking over half of the study in the process. One wingtip nearly decapitated Zatanna, but she ducked, clutching her hat to her chest.
Shadowcrest bowed to the bat and said, "Your eminence, I-"
"Shut it," said the bat, "I'm 'ere for 'im." It nodded at Batman.
Batman hesitated, then he slowly walked forward, stopping ten paces from the bat's head. He palmed a batarang.
The bat snorted and creased its ears. "Yes. You're the bloody malaker."
"You know him now, mighty Barbatos?" asked Faust.
Barbatos rolled his eyes. "I don't know 'im from a bar of soap, ya drongo. Quiet." He sniffed. "Not a mage. Novel that." He sniffed again. "Hm. So who are you?"
"I'm Batman."
Barbatos chuckled. "Strewth. Not many'd say that to my face. I make decisions on bats 'n bat-wise matters, aye? Seems you're in my bailiwick. So who called you a batman?"
"I chose it."
"You love bats?"
"Bats terrify me."
"Bats terrify you?" Barbatos circled his claw at Batman's outfit, "Then what's all this about?"
"I wanted to share the feeling."
"Ha!" Barbatos' laugh spittle covered Batman's chest. "Ah, bloody ripper, mate. You're a loony git, but I can work with that. More people should be scared of bats."
"M- Magnificent one!" said Faust.
"Quiet. Me and this batman are having a conversation. Now tell me, how are you giving all the blokes 'n sheilas the message to pay bats more respect?"
As he spoke, a regular-sized bat flittered out of the sky and began hissing in Barbatos' ear.
"Hold up," said Barbatos, "What?"
The regular bat hissed some more.
"Really?" Barbatos slowly glared at Batman. "All the time?"
The regular bat squeaked.
"You!" Barbatos growled. The rush of air forced Batman to step back. "You're the cavern monster."
"I-"
"Lights. Plumbing. Air ducts. Scores of powered tools." Barbatos spit. "Three separate generators? Who needs three separate generators?"
"Yes!" cheered Faust.
Barbatos stretched a wing in frustration, launching shelves into the sea. "For four hundred years, you humans have built over every good habitat in a day's flight from Gotham Bay. Every tree and nook turned to cement. It's bloody stressful to adapt to a city, innit?"
He waved the wing for emphasis. "The last natural home was one very nice cavern system just outside town. Big as you wish and vacant as the moon. Then two years ago, some cretin decided to get his jollies by setting up a bundle of loud machines that run at all hours."
Barbatos jabbed Batman with his snout, knocking him flat. "Do you have any reckoning the hundreds of pups you disturb with yer racket? They can hear yer echoes half a mile into the cavern. "
Barbatos opened his other wing and flapped in place, launching more shelves into the sea. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't tear yer limbs off."
Batman was dazed from being struck to the floor. His vision swam, and noises seemed distant. Still, he managed to roll onto an elbow.
"If you kill me, it will only get worse." muttered Batman.
"How?"
Batman struggled to his feet. "The bats must know another man visits that cavern. If I disappear, I can't tell him to stop the machines. We have plans to expand."
"Is that a threat?"
"It's an opportunity. I should have been more considerate to the bats. I apologize. If you let me leave, I can unplug the machines. I won't turn them back on until I can design them to run quietly. And I can feed the bats. Twenty gallons a week. Insects, fruit, everything they like. The colonies will never be hungry again."
"How do I know you're as good as yer word?"
"Because we might meet again. And bats terrify me."
Lord Faust kicked over a vase and shouted. "Doggerel! Polysemous pap!"
Barbatos looked at Faust. "What are you on about?"
"You can't trust him! He's but a congeries of vespertilian rodomontades and too clever by half!"
Barbatos glanced at Batman. "Is that true? Do you lie?"
"Constantly," said Batman, "But not to you."
"And not under oath," said Shadowcrest, "While Lord Felix of Faust has broken parlay this very night."
The air of the study suddenly chilled. The hairs on Barbatos' back bristed. He closed his eyes and sniffed. With a start, he turned and landed just before Faust, nearly crushing him. "You ugly little twerp."
"Great one, please," sniveled Faust, "'Tis poor manners to kill your summoner! You don't want to be one of that sort, do you? Word gets around."
Barbatos seemed to consider this. "True." He seized Faust in his claw and beat his wings hard to climb. Once he reached a height that cast a shadow over the study once more, he pitched his claw and tossed Faust over the horizon. Barbatos wheeled around and looked back at the study.
"Oy, miss. You in the hat."
Zatanna pointed at herself.
Barbatos nodded. "This yer home he's stealing?"
Zatanna swallowed and shrugged. "I guess."
"Well, you've a lovely home 'ere miss. I'm grateful for the hospitality."
"My pleasure."
"Be a good lass and spike his head on the gate for me, would you?"
"Okay."
"Right. And Batman."
Batman watched him silently.
"Make it one hundred gallons," said Barbatos. "The bats will know."
Batman gave a half-nod.
"And you'll keep scaring folks while dressed as a bat?"
"I guarantee it."
"Y'know, you don't really look like a bat. The nose. The ears. A weak caricature, honestly."
"I'll take that under advisement."
"Eh. Long as the derros get the message, I guess."
Barbatos took three hard flaps, then tucked his wings and burst into a thousand shrieking bats. These bats flew off in all directions and quickly faded to dust.
