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Batman 1939: Three's Company
Chapter 14: More Things in Heaven and Earth
The life of a mage was full of surprises, and Zachary Cehennem quickly overcame his shock at being tied to a table by scary people. He decided that he had one problem.
It wasn't that he felt terrible; he could walk it off later. It wasn't that he was tied to a table; he knew escape spells. It wasn't that he was surrounded by brutes in animal masks; if he could seize the element of surprise they'd be pushovers.
His problem was that he was trapped by Shadowcrest, an all-powerful ghost wearing the skin of the man who killed his family. He would have better odds reversing a waterfall with a bucket than challenging a house spirit.
Hopelessness brought a certain serenity. Once Zachary decided that his captors were not about to eviscerate him, he felt brave enough to ask, "What happened?"
"Murder Merlin betrayed you, you twit," said Catwoman.
Zachary remembered Faust's searing beam cutting open his side and cringed.
Batman held down his shoulder with a bloodstained surgical glove. "Stop moving."
Zachary looked at Batman. "Are you part of Zatanna's stage act?"
Zatanna stepped in. "That's Batman."
"Does he work for a bat?"
"Common misconception. But he's right, Zach. You need to relax."
Behind her, Catwoman stared at Zachary and licked the length of a claw.
Zachary flinched, so Zatanna pressed on his other shoulder. "I mean it. No quick moves. You're hurt."
"Hurt how?"
A blanket and several sheets suddenly unwrapped from his torso. Zachary glanced down and saw a gauze pad stained dark red over his hip. His eyes widened in fear. "What is that? Why don't I feel that? Why is my side numb?"
Shadowcrest said, "I brought you to a Sarkoth's nurse."
"Sarkoth's nurse. That's a healing plant, right? If it did its job, then why are these sheets bloody?"
"The plant couldn't finish the job," said Batman. "I had to operate."
"You did surgery on me? With knives and twine and all that?" Zachary groaned. "Now I know you're not a mage."
"He isn't a surgeon either," said Catwoman.
Zachary looked between them, waiting for someone to laugh. "But I'm going to live, right?"
Zatanna gave Batman an insistent nod. Batman struggled to sound positive. "It's not impossible."
"What did you do?"
"The procedure was … the good news is that a human only needs one kidney."
"What?" Zachary tried to sit up. Batman and Zatanna held him down.
"Most of the vaporized tissue grew back with only a few lesions, but your liver and renal arteries were unfinished. I stitched them, so you won't bleed out, but you should visit a hospital before your blood begins to toxify."
"How long until that happens?"
"A few hours."
Catwoman yawned. "Like he'll last that long."
"Catwoman!" said Zatanna.
Catwoman tutted. "Don't lie to the man in his last minutes."
Zachary protested, "This guy just said I had hours."
Catwoman shrugged. "For blood poisoning, sure, but Faust will definitely kill you first. And I'm still undecided."
"What'd I ever do to you?" asked Zachary.
"Oh, we'll get to that. But Shady has a few questions." Catwoman planted a hand on the table. "Play nice, and I might let you keep that other kidney."
"Uncharacteristically germane, miss," said Shadowcrest. "Zachary Cehennem, your life was forfeit. We resurrected you to report on where Lord Faust was hiding and what he might be planning. The first question has since become moot-"
"Speaking of," said Catwoman, "Where is the old bird?"
Shadowcrest peered to the horizon. "He struck water three leagues hence. There a sea serpent carried him under the waves until he slayed the beast. He then reached an atoll with the intention to rest. His intention has been stymied; at present, he is fleeing from hundreds of large crabs shaped like rooks."
Zachary asked, "Sorry, why are we on an ocean?"
"It's a chessboard," said Zatanna.
"As I was saying," said Shadowcrest, "Zachary, we have kept you on this mortal plane to reveal your treacherous lord's plan."
"How can I help?"
"Before I plucked you from Lord Faust's clutches, you and he were conspiring inside the keystone chamber. What did he say to you?"
"He-" Zachary glanced between Batman and Zatanna. "Can I get up?"
"Slowly," said Batman as they released him.
Zachary's final bindings slid off. He felt no pain, but the heavy numbness in his side was a sickening, hollow feeling. He gingerly rose and shifted his legs over the side of the table. Then he turned his head and saw his brother deathly pale and limp on the floor.
Zachary made a furious noise and fiery orange nimbuses flashed along his forearms. Before even Batman could move, Catwoman strangled him from behind with the hard handle of her whip. She tugged down hard, slamming him back on the table. Catwoman leaned over, forcing her weight through his windpipe.
A moment later, Batman caught Catwoman around the waist and threw her across the floor. She tumbled roughly but rolled into a wide-legged crouch. Zachary wheezed, his face puffy and ruby red.
Zatanna rushed to Catwoman's side. "Are you okay?"
Catwoman ignored her. There were two bloody gloveprints on her hips and a graze on her jaw. She rose from her crouch as she glared at Batman, a look that for once said nothing.
He returned a glare that said the same.
Zatanna folded her arms and scolded Batman. "That was mean." She looked at Catwoman. "And what the heck were you thinking?"
"Not now, dear," said Catwoman without looking away from Batman.
Zachary continued to wheeze. Batman didn't break his stare with Catwoman but quietly said to him, "Your brother gave you his blood, Zachary. He'll be fine. Don't threaten us again."
Still gasping, Zachary twisted his head. After a moment, he noticed Abdiel's eyelids shift. Zachary's face bent into something like shame. Batman decided that Catwoman had stopped her assault and looked down to inspect Zachary's dressings.
Zatanna clapped sarcastically. "Catwoman wins the staring contest. Are you two hunky-dory now?"
"Their hunky will remain dory, Mistress," said Shadowcrest. "I shall discipline the next outburst, captive or escort."
"Don't worry about us," said Catwoman with frigid sweetness, "We get on like a house on fire."
"And do you have anything to say, mister?" asked Zatanna to Batman's back. He didn't respond.
Zatanna huffed and planted her hands on her hips. "Do I have to do the dance of the seven veils to get his attention?"
Catwoman eyed her outfit. "I think you'd run out at three."
"What?"
Catwoman stretched her jaw and checked for loose teeth. "Hey, Torquemada Townhouse. Weren't you about to interrogate the wizard?"
Batman finished checking the gauze pad. "Tell me if you feel wetness or pooling here." He shed his blood-soaked surgical gloves to don his leather gauntlets. "If your sutures have ripped, I'll have to close the wound another way."
Zachary nodded. When Batman stepped back, half of the surgical table folded upward, forcing Zachary into a sitting position. His breathing had nearly calmed, but a reddish crease remained across his throat.
"Now," said Shadowcrest, "Zachary, what did Faust say to you in the keystone chamber?"
Zachary scratched his head. "Not much."
"What exactly?"
"I asked for his help to rescue Abdiel. He told me to wait outside. Then he hit me from behind. You know the rest."
"And was he corrupting the keystone?"
"Yes! I noticed that. I didn't think it was possible. He wasn't trying to destroy the estate at all. Is that why you were able to rescue me? Because he broke parlay?"
"No," said Zatanna, "Your brother slugged me."
"Huh? No, no, that- That doesn't seem like him at all. I'm so sorry. When he wakes up, I'll whip some manners into him, believe me."
"You pressed a gun in my face."
"For a good cause."
"Focus," commanded Shadowcrest, "Both violations of parlay transpired in short order. Did Faust discuss his further plans at all?"
"No. He had promised to destroy you. We never would have made a deal if we thought he wanted to steal this place. The whole point was to remove any traps our uncle might have hidden here, and a new owner doesn't guarantee that. Destruction was the only option."
"This is not helpful. Did he offer any hint of his strategies?"
"Well, it was his idea to wait until last night to catch our uncle. And he said it was important to take Zatanna with us tonight. Not sure why we needed her for the portal when we had Uncle Giovanni, but Faust was adamant. Beyond that, he barely told us anything. Faust isn't fond of questions."
"He didn't mention a plan to summon Barbatos, King of Bats?"
"Who? No."
"Disappointing," Shadowcrest turned to Zatanna, "Mistress, I'm afraid this was fruitless. Let us discuss armaments-"
"Hold your horses," said Zachary, staggering as he tried to stand, "I don't know exactly what Faust has in mind, but I know his habits. I've researched him. And no offense to buildings, but I'm an actual mage. If you want to fight a mage, you could use my advice."
Zatanna was unimpressed. "You wanted to kill my dad."
"Still do. But the mean cat lady is right: Faust is the real threat." Zachary swallowed, but continued, "Uncle Giovanni and I will have a reckoning, but not tonight. I swear to submit this to parlay, that I will bring no deliberate harm to your father until I leave this house."
"And you'll do your best to save him?"
Zachary grit his teeth. "I'll take any obvious opportunity to free him, if doing so doesn't endanger my life or yours."
"So mote it be," said Shadowcrest.
"So mote it be," he replied.
Shadowcrest made an indifferent noise, "If you tolerate your cousin's presence, Mistress, his council may have merit."
Zatanna bit her lip and looked around. Zachary seemed earnest. Batman and Catwoman were avoiding eye contact with anyone. She shrugged. "Fine."
"You won't regret it," said Zachary.
"Too late," said Zatanna.
"You were a lot friendlier a minute ago."
Zatanna pointed at her tophat. "I'm a performer."
"Take heed of my final lesson," said Shadowcrest, loudly. "For I have scant minutes remaining."
"Hold on," said Zachary. "What do you mean by 'scant minutes'?"
"Faust's corruption has nearly taken me," said Shadowcrest, "If forced into in his service, I would doom the Mistress. I will destroy myself before I let him succeed."
Zachary scratched his head. "That's new."
"What?" asked Zatanna.
"A house spirit always tries to keep its dynasty alive. I never imagined a day when that meant pulling its own plug."
"So Faust won't expect this?" asked Batman.
"Doubt it. Half the value of an estate is the spirit. He wouldn't work this hard to steal the danish if he thought he'd lose the jelly."
"Artfully put, twit," said Shadowcrest. "The Emergent Sea's obstacles will occupy and tire him. Let us prepare to finish the-"
"Zachary, you're alive!" said Abdiel.
The others turned and watched in varied degrees of astonishment as Abdiel, still feeble and pale, struggled to his feet. Before anyone could speak, a bust of Winston Churchill flew into his gut, knocking him back down, while a heavy towel wrapped around Zachary's face.
"No!" said Shadowcrest. "No more prattling. No more sentimental asides. I will speak. You each will listen and obey. The next interruption pays in fingers, and my rates are usurious."
The towel on Zachary fell to the floor. Abidel remained seated. No one spoke.
"Good. Our chief challenge is this: the seneschal and regent Giovanni is tied to Lord Faust by a cardial chain. If Lord Faust dies, if the chain is broken, or if Faust wishes it so, then Giovanni's heart will stop. The Mistress has decreed that Giovanni is indispensable."
The group eyed each other. Zatanna was the most tense of all. They said nothing.
Shadowcrest continued. "I have two solutions. First, while I do not know how to nullify a cardial chain, the annals of magic are vast, and such knowledge may exist. One solution would be to seek how to do this. The second and more practical solution would be to discover how Giovanni may live without a heart. In either case, the Mistress must first study here for several years until she has grown into a capable mage. When the time is ripe, she may seek such hidden knowledge and employ it. "
Everyone except Batman wanted to say something, but no one spoke.
"Of course, Lord Faust poses a more urgent obstacle. But the cardial chain merely deters against death. I know of a spell to instead cast Faust into endless slumber. Then the Mistress could seek a permanent solution as she wished. Come."
Shadowcrest crossed the study and the others followed. It observed the few shelves still standing.
"The great heart of this arsenal has been crushed or cast into the sea, but these remains should suffice. I will arm you when we return."
Shadowcrest reached the one wall that hadn't disappeared beneath the waves and stood by its giant roaring fireplace. Then he walked into the fireplace and vanished. Abidel was the first to follow. He stuck out his hand and flinched. But then he stuck out his hand again, held it for a moment, and walked through, disappearing in the smoke. Zachary followed, then Batman, then Zatanna. Catwoman rolled her eyes and entered last.
The fire was as hot as a sauna, but no hotter. Catwoman didn't choke on the updraft of soot, and her shins passed through the piled logs without resistance. Many steps later she finally walked out of the smoke and found herself in a big room that seemed very much like the backstage of a theater. It had electric lights and scuffed wooden floors. There were props everywhere - props for a magic show.
Zatanna was bouncing between cages and racks for handsaws and mirrors and fireworks. She made a noise like a gasp that never ended.
"Do not be distracted," said Shadowcrest. "We are merely at the entrance."
It reached the back corner of the room. There was a trapdoor open in the ceiling. An angled wooden ladder descended from the dim hole.
Shadowcrest looked across the group. "The spell of slumber is hidden in a path above. At the end of the path is a room I may not enter. A part of the path is terribly narrow and serpentine: a normal person would never make it through. There is only one charm that will set the path straight, and Giovanni wears it at all times. However," Shadowcrest turned to face Catwoman, "I believe a woman of your talents could cross unaided."
Catwoman froze. Then she opened her mouth, then closed her mouth, then raised her hands. She wiggled her fingers. "Do I get to talk now, or did you want a down payment?"
"Speak."
"You are out of your mind."
"Young lady, I promise you will find it richly rewarding. That is your motivation, no?"
Catwoman let a long breath out of her nose. "I just need to slip through a tight space?"
"Yes. The challenge only spans several paces. The rest of the path is but a matter of walking."
"Fine."
Zatanna ran up and hugged her. "Thank you."
Catwoman faked a smile in return. "Don't get into any trouble till I get back." Then she whispered, "Carry something sharp in case those cousins get out of hand." She stepped to the ladder and grabbed a rung. Before she took the first step, she glanced over at Batman. He was watching her coolly and said nothing. She shook her head and began to climb.
When Catwoman climbed above the trap door, it shut below her.
"Great," she said to no one.
At the top of the ladder, she found herself in a square hallway of pink marble. It was somehow much brighter than the dim of the ladder chute, though she couldn't spot the source of the light. The hallway seemed to continue infinitely ahead and behind her, branching at intersections every few dozen yards. She slowly walked forward, her shoes clicking on the marble.
Without warning, Shadowcrest appeared in step beside her. It took all of Catwoman's self-control not to flinch. She gave Shadowcrest a sour look. "What?"
"There is no spell of slumber," said Shadowcrest.
Catwoman stopped. "What?"
"The only option is to kill Faust. The father cannot be saved, and the daughter's good intentions must not interfere."
Catwoman lived a life of constant lies, big and small, but she was amazed at this duplicity. "Then why am I here? Not because I'm flexible."
"I do need you to retrieve something. But it is your moral flexibility that interests me."
"Meaning?"
"I believe you are willing to kill. At the end of this path you will prepare a weapon."
"Sure, I'll kill Faust."
"Good, but he is not enough. Giovanni keeps a prisoner here whom I cannot see."
"Are you saying you want me to take the weapon from them?"
"I'm saying this weapon requires a sacrifice."
