Chapter 4: For the Love of the Moon
"Aang, tell me that story again."
"Sokka, please. You need to to get your mind off of these kinds of things—"
"Just tell me that story."
The Avatar sighed and shook his head. Sokka could care less about Aang's past lives, but when the warrior himself was asking for the story of Avatar Kuruk and his tragic love story, it saddened and even irritated the Avatar in a way. "Why do you want that story now?"
The warrior shrugged, gazing at the moon, and Aang didn't know what else to say. He didn't think Sokka would get that emotional from the meeting. Sure, the Avatar was aware of how sensitive Yue's topic was to Sokka, but he always failed to realize the true extent to which Sokka's feelings for Yue were still intact, if not stronger than before.
"They say time heals." Aang glanced at the councilman, watching his reaction, but Sokka said nothing. "Look, Sokka, you have to understand that what happened is for the best. We tell you this every time, and you're just not understanding..."
"I do understand, Aang. I don't know why you're getting so upset about telling me a story of your past life."
After tucking Bumi in, Katara peeked outside and glanced at Aang questioningly. The Avatar gave her a lost look, motioning for her to join them. The waterbender then ambled over to the two and placed her hand on her brother's. "Sokka, you know you can talk to us."
"Katara, you know this is normal for me. It's just that time of the year again."
"I don't know. You seem more detached from everything than you normally are," Aang said.
"You two are worrying about me too much. I'm almost forty years old."
"But you're still a kid at heart."
Aang rubbed his forehead. "Maybe it's not a good idea to send you as a diplomat."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I mean… you're not over Yue."
"I don't know if you've realized, Aang, but I'll never get over her."
"I didn't mean it that way," Aang softened his eyes at his brother-in-law's broken tone. "I'm just saying...maybe it's time you try moving on again. You know, find someone..."
Sokka glared at him, and the Avatar quit his sentence right then and there.
"Don't give him that look," Katara said sternly. "Sokka, you've had all the time in the world to let these feelings pass, but you haven't let them go yet—"
"Why would I let go of Yue? I love her!"
It was not a totally unfamiliar sentence, Aang knew. He himself had clung to a similar argument once. "Why would I let go of Katara? I...I-I love her!
"I'm not alone, guys," Sokka croaked, "She's still with me. She promised me! So stop giving me such useless advice. Please."
There were many things Katara wanted to say to bring some sense into her brother, but she knew he'd become highly sensitized over the years. The universe had too many things thrown in his face, and her words, harsh they might seem though helpful, shouldn't add to that. "I know you're also upset by the situation in the North Pole, and it can all be overwhelming, but I can't tell you how important it is to clear your mind before solving these issues. Emotional turmoil will only get on the way of such a highly important mission."
Aang pat his friend's shoulder, "How about this? What if you attended the Earth King's birthday celebration with us tomorrow? Just for a change. You need a distraction."
Sokka knew they were right. As unimportant as the party seemed, it may strengthen his mind just a little bit. Just enough to focus on something that could potentially be the highest form of service he'd ever perform for the Moon Goddess: safeguarding her homeland. Maybe then, she'd spare him a visit or two. "Fine, but tell me that Kuruk story."
The couple shared a look of concern. Katara's grip on her brother's hand tightened. Aang began rather hesitantly. "Avatar Kuruk was from the Northern Water Tribe…"
As Sokka leaned back in his chair and listened, his eyes fell to a close.
Deep in the Spirit World, a dark entity, fashioned out of wolf, water, darkness, and man, jolted up from his comatose slumber, waking to the perpetual darkness of his lonely lair. Named Mývannat, the lair had once been lively, its darkness lit up by Tui's light and the reflection of her rays that would line the walls, but with the lair as well as La's life being currently Tuiless, the darkness was infinite and overwhelming even for the dark-hued spirit.
A low growl left his throat, and in the center of his chest pulsed a bright glow, signifying the piece of his partner that he always tucked safely within him. He shifted so he could sit up, his paw-like hand placed over his glow, and he looked at his reflection in the pond that he'd been wallowing in all this time— the very pond that served as a direct portal to the pond in the North's Spirit Oasis. The reflection that stared back at him was of an arcane arrangement of a wolfish face that, if humanized and lightened a few gradients, would hold an uncanny resemblance to the warrior who bemoaned Yue's loss. Of course, this observation was not known to the other spirits, for ever since the Siege, La seemed to have lost his humanized face for good. He had been trapped in his aggressive manwolf form, which added to the fears of the other spirits.
It seemed that a face was not the only thing that Sokka and La shared; it was also their ritual of crumbling over the moon each night along with their paralleled grief, the only real difference being that Sokka's mantra was Yue while La's mantra was Tui. There was no difference in their patterns of grief, either; Sokka was plagued by nightmares, and La was plagued by visions. And it was under the moon each night that her lovers wondered, Has she abandoned me for good? This shared grief seemed to be the reason behind why the ocean was drawn to that human being in particular.
It was torturous for the moon's lovers— the assurance that the moon was constantly with them— Tui embedded in La's chest, Yue filling Sokka's heart— coupled with the heartbreak that she didn't come before them. While Sokka longed for the princess whose sacrifice uplifted the worlds, La waited for the goddess who gave up her immortality to help the mortals, both faces of the moon— or rather, the shared face— having fallen prey during the Siege. Yue never cared to manifest before Sokka while Tui shut herself completely within Yue, not sparing La even a passing glance of love or affirmation.
"It's my destiny. To destroy the Moon... and the Water Tribe."
"The Fire Nation will for generations tell stories about the great Zhao who darkened the moon! They will call me Zhao the Conqueror! Zhao the Moon Slayer!"
In the case of La, the pain and self-rage that raided the moon's spiritual lover following his failure of protecting Tui crippled him entirely. He spent many earthly decades sulking in his lair ever since his counterpart vanished from his life. And as he locked himself and his feelings away in solitude, no spirit dared to enter his lair, fearing his wrath and his aggressive face. The only exception was the Messenger Spirit, who frequently picked up on La's distressing vibrations and attempted to tend to him and look past his fearsome appearance.
The beings who were actually worth La's anger and wrath, however, were the humans. Tui and La had never originally been humans unlike some of the other inhabitants of the Spirit World. At their fullest, Tui and La transcended the realms of the earthly and the spiritual. Even so, La wasn't the type to believe in all the conspiracies woven against the humans by some of the more cynical spirits. Then again, he also wasn't like Tui, the Mother of the Worlds, who used to spend eternities at a time watching over the earthly races. While it was true that unlike Tui, La's contact with the physical world beyond the Spirit Oasis had always been limited, he had still been generous to the humans. Whenever they called upon his help, he offered it without a second thought. Despite being a patron spirit of the Water Tribe, his aid extended all around the world. Out of infinite mercy, he never rose high enough to wipe out entire civilizations. What was most ironic was the fact that he even aided the Fire Nation vessels with smooth sailing most of the time.
It wasn't until the Great Siege that La's kindness towards the humans became heavily wounded. He was completely shaken by losing Tui, and before long, he became the very cynical spirit he never wanted to be. And along with Tui left the very little respect La had for the physical world. Sokka, too, was nothing but an object of La's fury who simultaneously had so much in common with the ocean. He failed to protect Yue, the temple of Tui's life force, and now he grieves. I suppose that makes the two of us.
There were times when La wondered if these pitiful creatures were truly the reason why he and Tui gave up their eternities in the Spirit World, but if there was ever anything that kept La from completely annihilating humankind, it was love. La loves Tui, and out of his love, he respects her affinity for the humans. As much as he grieves over her loss periodically, he tries to look for remnants of her love in everything he could see to calm his restlessness and not upset the fragile worldly balance. The most valuable relic of her love for humans was Yue.
While Yue did possess Tui's life force and restored balance to the world by taking on the duty of the Moon Spirit, in no way did this mean that Yue was entirely Tui herself or replaced Tui in La's celestial heart. Then again, things were too messy for him and everyone else to classify Yue as Tui herself or as Tui's successor, and in the past few months, ever since he aided the Moon Spirit at T'Sou-ke Kenji, things had gotten messier. The "piece of Tui" whose identity was ambiguous to this day— clearly she was touched by Tui and was the successor of Tui, but whether she was Tui Herself had never been confirmed.
"Great Spirit?"
La followed the voice to the entrance of his lair. There, a bunny-dove silhouette: the Messenger Spirit.
"I sensed your distress, Great Spirit." Though there was never a time when he didn't pick up on the Ocean Spirit's vibrations of pitiful grief these days.
The ocean, though having read the spirit's thoughts, didn't pay heed to them. He motioned for the bunny-dove to come inside, his free paw softly rubbing at the glow in his chest.
"She is doing fine, Great One," the Messenger said, knowing it was La's custom to ask about Yue.
La nodded as the remnants of his most recent vision still lingered before his eyes: a flash of white— an unhealthy white— with an alarmingly inconsistent glow that did not match the grand, stable luminosity that his partner should own. From what he could sense, the glow was strong within him, but his vision had been so... inauspicious...
Something was wrong.
"I had a vision," La mumbled. "Tui's glow is not as strong. Of course, I probably would've known what this all meant if she was here…"
The Messenger hesitated to ask what was running through his mind, but nothing could be hidden from La. The dark Being cast him a look. "You think I should step out and have a conversation with her about this." But what was the point? They were lacking in important details, yes, and had several unanswered questions, and La's weakened state of being, a result of Tui's absence, couldn't possibly hope to understand without her guidance. Yue, on the other hand, was just as confused and unsure about her identity in spite of accepting her role as the succeeding Moon Spirit. No one knew whether the moon had two faces or really one face, whether Yue was Tui or different from her.
"If she was Tui, she would have no hesitation stepping into my lair," La added. "But to this day, she never did such a thing."
"Yes," the Messenger sighed. "I'm aware."
"And yet, she does all kinds of dangerous stunts to aid the humans," the ocean frowned. "Just like Her." Just like Tui.
"And you were worried about her. Just as you would be if She did these things."
The Spirit nodded wearily. Indeed, he was still composing himself after the moon's stunts at T'Sou-ke Kenji, ripped apart from the mere thought of what could've happened to her. He remembered how right after he'd ordered her to stop visiting the physical world for good, she'd insisted on healing that human who had overdosed on sleeping pills for her sake. The Ocean Spirit could do nothing but cave in to her desperate pleas, allowing her only partial freedom from then onwards. It took every ounce of his being to handle the anxiety that churned in his waters. At the memory, he melted back down to the floor, sprawled like wild tributaries of a flowing river.
Some deep part of him just wanted Yue to give up her fight against her feelings. Why constantly shake his world by putting herself in danger when she had every right in the world to give up the Spirit World and find happiness? Even if it meant imbalance? He would try to manage things somehow, finding strength from the piece of Tui in him and from the fact that she's happy. If she's happy, Tui will be happy. Besides, several spirits have forsaken their immortal status for the human world. Tui and La themselves were the very first of that kind, settling in the physical world to help the humans. And as much as La regretted this move on his and Tui's part, there was no reason for Yue to regret it. Her lover earned his title rightly for how utterly enchanted and in-love he was with her, how he was willing to leave the world of the living to join her. Instead of having Yue suffer from the so-called ideals of detachment, which La himself loathed to the core out of his bond with Tui, why not have Yue experience life in its kinder side? Have her marry the man she loves, give her the opportunity to start a family of her own, help her regain her status as the rightful chieftess, the queen of the Water Tribe? Better to see her happy than have her take risks.
But...BUT...what if Yue was Tui herself? The thought La had repeatedly dismissed ever since Yue's advent in the Spirit World...now that same thought was resurfacing yet again. The Ocean Spirit looked at his dark paw. He could remember the ecstasy he felt when he pulled her out of the physical world, away from the dangers inflicted by T'Sou-ke Kenji. How he felt completely at one with Tui in that moment, how his happiness had briefly returned before he had to let Yue's hand go.
She was Tui! She had to be!
BUT.
Her happiness. She was not happy here with him.
Even if he somehow managed to uphold the worlds with the piece of Tui within him, he knew it would never be adequate, never be enough to satiate his spirit. Could the ocean handle it if Yue left? If she really was Tui and if she left…? For that...human... who could never completely satisfy her need to be truly loved?
"Great Spirit?"
La sighed, cutting off his thoughts. "I decided then and there that she must no longer get in the way of my karmic order. She's gotten far too much freedom as it is. If it's a matter of healing, then fine, I'll swallow my worries, but she can no longer leave the comfort of the Spirit World for the sake of changing one's fate in any other way. It is on my will that humans reap what they sow, and I am not going to allow her to change that."
"Is she still allowed to explore the other universes then? I mean, you haven't exactly been stopping her from doing so," the Messenger asked. "She likes to do that. Well...it sometimes distracts her from watching over that human all the time."
La softened up. "Yes...yes, of course…I wasn't saying she shouldn't…Why would I take away from what she wants? Dammit, it's not really the karmic system I'm worried about. She can still do whatever she likes. She must." His voice wavered as he struggled to get himself together. "But she can't get involved in anything that endangers her in any way. You saw her that day. We all saw her. Running through the physical world with explosives attached to her. Just to save those despicable humans!"
"Because she's just like Mother, as you'd expect," the Messenger rasped, also shaken by the memory of what happened and what could have happened. "Even with the laws of karma in place, she still doesn't like seeing people be hurt in any way. She doesn't want people to face the same neglect and pain she had faced as a child. It's all about withdrawing the boomerang of karma, not launching it."
The ocean sighed. "I was very laid back about her actions all this time because she'd never experienced any kind of freedom or sense of purpose or belonging as a human princess. I let her learn all that she wanted to learn about. I let her travel the throughout the different worlds, all throughout the pluriverse with no barrier of time and space save for the physical world. I let her do whatever she wanted. But she's taking things too far. I mean, how could she?! Did she even think about the consequences?!"
"But she's immortal. She doesn't have to fear anything."
"She's immortal by physical world standards only. If she accepted her status as Tui, then she would've been completely invincible," he barked. "Don't you know the deal?! If a spirit spends too much time in the physical world and doesn't take a moment to delve back into the Spirit World, it will succumb to the environment and start to behave like a physical being. And if it stays in that state long enough, it eventually becomes one and will perish on the spot! Float away like millions of dust particles disappearing into thin air. There's a reason why there are two separate realms to begin with! She's not aware of what would happen if she stays out in the physical realm for too long! AND MARK MY WORDS, if ANYTHING happens contrary to her well-being, I will DESTROY ALL THERE IS AND ALL THERE WILL BE!"
The Messenger gulped as the lair echoed with La's threat. The spirit collapsed back on the ground, though, spent from exertion, his inner Tui glowing and pulsing as if to calm him down.
"B-But she's still an extension of Mother, in the very least. She shouldn't be affected. She has complete freedom...she has you..."
She has you. It tore at his heart. "That's just it," he softened. "She must just be an extension. A lesser one. Otherwise, why would she not have a piece of me like I have a piece of Yin?" And he brushed his paw over his chest, stroking his glow. His other hand raked its developing claws at the boulder near him. "I wouldn't have to worry about this if she was actually Tui, but...but I don't know…I don't know what she is. I don't even feel like myself to stop and think any further. I feel so lost and unbalanced."
The Messenger was fearful. For the state of the worlds, for the state of the Great Spirit. "Oh Grand One, why should you still fear? You saved her. So long as you are with her, she will be safe."
"If I really was that competent, I would've ignored Tui's pleas long enough to annihilate that scum of a firebender before he got to the Oasis. But nooo, the Goddess of Radical Compassion had to calm me down. She just had to have things go her way...aah..." La shut his eyes, his central glow intensifying to mellow him further. "What am I even doing here? Existing? I should be annihilated without Tui for this long..."
"Don't say that, Great One. Yue is connected to Her, is she not? You must be strong for her, at least."
"Damn these ambiguous connection theories. Why can't Yue be Tui herself?"
The Messenger figured this was the right time to get across what every spirit was thinking. "To be honest...that's what the other spirits are wondering, too, Great Father Spirit. I, too, am one of them. Think about it. If her entry into the Spirit World revived the place completely, then she has to be Tui, right? To be frank, she's every part the Great Mother Spirit. That is...except for the distance between the two of you."
"That isn't a tiny issue."
"But the Mother Spirit promised you that she will always be with you. That she will always rise again like the phoenix and come back to you. Why is it that we have to still wait? She could already be here. She could've returned as Yue. Maybe it's just a matter of nudging her in the right direction or getting rid of some sort of illusion..."
"What about the fact that she's in love with that human? What about that?"
"That…well, I mean…"
"Should I tell her she's Tui and force her to love me? Is anyone even Tui if she should be forced to love me? You really think Tui would stop loving me for any reason?" La turned away. "Trust me, I really want to believe that Tui is Yue and get rid of that hideous human who's in the way… I mean, when I pulled her out of the physical world just minutes ago...I touched her hand. And...and I knew that touch. I knew it! And I thought that it was Her! I was so...ecstatic, I...I wanted to do nothing but bring her back here… But I had to tell myself that she can't be Tui if..."
"Great Spirit—"
"She's been keeping her distance from the lair. To this day, she hasn't set foot in here. If she was Tui, she would've stepped in by now. If Tui is someone who comforts any being that's in pain, then why can't she see my pain? She would've recognized me, pulled me close. She wouldn't have bowed to me like a stranger when she came here."
"Fine. Even if that is the case, what is it about you going to see her?" the messenger questioned. "Why is it that you have never stepped out to see her? What's holding you back from going up to her and striking up a conversation?"
La swallowed. "Because I don't want to be rejected. It's not me who she loves. And it's only Tui that I love. And it's painful not knowing if she's Tui or not because she's exactly like..."
"What if there was a way to prove she is Tui and get her away from the illusion that the human is her lover? I mean, there's only one way to know if she's legitimately Tui Herself or an extension for sure. She needs to step into your lair."
"Forget it. She deems herself so inferior that she would never dare to step into my lair."
La's glow sent another wave of mellowness over him and brought him back down to his calmer form. He turned over on his stomach, eyeing the small pond. His paw-like fingers dipped into the water and swirled around, grabbing hold of something that glimmered beneath the water: a luminous pearl. Moments upon contact with him, the pearl shifted into a speck of snow and floated atop the pond. It swiveled to form a tiny Yin symbol, and the water around it swirled into its corresponding shape, completing the puzzle with a tiny Yang.
"My Tui is never distant from me no matter what the circumstance. Some illusions are so great, so powerful. Even for me. And the longer it takes Her to have mercy on me...the more prone I become to them." He felt sleep and tears starting to conquer him slowly. I would never abandon you, Tui.
"White marble," Sokka said. "That should be the best material!"
Suki looked up from her scroll, still unsure if Sokka had even digested the fact that she'd been here for a while, waiting for him.
"White marble is simple but grand at the same time," he mused. "It perfectly resembles her."
The Kyoshi warrior tried holding back her irritation. Ever since Sokka came up with the idea of designing a commemoration statue of Princess Yue, the very little contact he had with Suki changed completely. The man was completely engrossed in helping with the statue design, which would soon be adorning the North. As for Suki, she had more of a reason to argue with him than usual no matter how hard she tried to keep their relationship together. It hadn't been much of a relationship, anyway, ever since he finally let himself grieve, and now, it had gotten to the point where almost every topic they had to talk about was redirected to Yue. He spent an entire month alone thinking about how big the statue should be and everything. An additional week was spent on what material the statue should be made of.
"Sokka, can we talk?"
"Oh, hey," he said, nothing more and nothing less.
"I've been here for a while, you know that?"
"You have? Then why didn't you say anything? Take a look at all this," he gestured to all the plans he'd been looming over. "What do you think?"
He looked like a little kid who was given all he could ever ask for as he rummaged through the papers and researched different types of emeralds next. In his eyes was a kind of melancholy glow she never saw in him before. It bothered her to realize that she didn't have his attention as much as the moon did. "Sounds great…"
"Ooh! She should have a pendant made with lapis lazuli! We can have the stones imported from Ba Sing Se...but she doesn't wear a pendant, though, so how's…?"
Suki was well aware how Sokka was in a relationship with the Moon Spirit before, but she had always shrugged off her jealousy because Yue was just that: a spirit. Suki understood how important Yue was to helping restore balance with her sacrifice, and the Kyoshi warrior had immense respect for the princess. Now that Sokka was starting to dive back into his previous feelings and starting to make a big deal out of every little thing that deals with the spirit, she wasn't just going to sit there.
"Hey, Sokka."
"Hm?"
"Can you please look at me for a second?
He looked up from his papers. "What?"
The Kyoshi warrior gestured to her scroll. "You know what this is?"
Sokka raised his eyebrows.
"It's from Ty Lee. She wants me back at Kyoshi Island."
"If it's important, you should go." He went back to what he was doing.
Suki frowned in annoyance and stood up. "I meant permanently. I've been thinking about my future, Sokka. It's time I decided what I want for myself."
"You're saying you want to go back home? Then you should go."
"I was hoping you would join me," she said. "We've been a couple for a while now…" At least they tried to be, "and…I was thinking...maybe it's time we settled down."
"Marriage?" The warrior grew slightly uncomfortable for no apparent reason.
"To be honest, I thought you'd be the one you ask, but…" she looked up, noting how he still didn't turn around to look at her, "You're not happy?"
"It's not that. What's the rush?"
"What do you mean by rush? It has been over five years since the war ended."
Sokka didn't want to answer. There was nothing wrong with what Suki wanted. It just felt wrong that she'd ask him. Yes, he admitted that everyone was starting to talk about their relationship. Then again, what was this detached feeling? Had they truly been a couple in the recent years? With their own duties that they had ho tend to? Could he ever put his hand over his heart and say that this relationship wasn't a way to cover up his grief? "I…I don't know..."
Suki frowned. "You sound like you don't like the idea. Are you against marriage or something…?"
"I'm thinking about my position," he said. "I am needed in the Southern Water Tribe as much as you are needed at Kyoshi Island."
"You're still thinking about your position even when we've been separated all this time…" And then and there, Suki felt her last hope of reviving their relationship wither. "I can't abandon my people for your goals."
"I can't abandon mine, either."
"But if we wanted to... we could make this work out, somehow, right?"
"I don't know how we would..." he said, keeping his attention on the statue design plans. He could feel Yue's presence strongly with the moonlight that peaked in through the nearby window.
"It's Yue, isn't it?" she finally said. "Don't even try to deny it. When was the last time we had a genuine conversation without discussing the Moon Spirit?"
"I told you about—"
"Yes, I'm aware. I know you loved her first and how you're still attached to her, but...wasn't there something between us, Sokka? Did you ever feel anything for me without involving the Moon Spirit? Or did you just see me as a coping mechanism?"
"Yue is not your competitor," Sokka said rather irritably. Something began tearing at his chest.
Suki sighed in frustration. "When are you going to let her go, Sokka?"
He looked horrified by the question. Let her go? Last time he checked, he never decided on anything like that. He could never just let go of what they had. He would never abandon her.
"You knew me longer. We have more in common. We're both leaders and warriors. We were meant to be. But the Moon Spirit...she's just sitting in the way, and I feel like I can't reach you..."
"Then maybe you should stop trying!" he burst. "Aren't you getting the hint? Do I need to spell it out for you?" He turned around to face her, "I care about you as a friend, Suki. I've realized this. But Yue...I don't see you the way I still see her. The way I care about her."
Suki remained silent. She wasn't going to lie; a part of her had feared this would happen.
"I could never envision a future for us no matter how hard I try," he told her, "But whenever I think about her, all I can imagine is a world where she's still physically with me. To be honest, I thought you'd be able to tell with how obvious I make it seem. I thought you'd break it off with me first because I didn't want to hurt you. But I can't go on pretending like this. I can't go on telling myself that you're Yue with a different face!"
He took a seat on the chair beside him, trying to shake away his frustration. In fact, he'd never felt so light with this burden finally cast off of him.
"So that's all I really was to you," Suki muttered. "Yue with a different face."
He wasn't going to deny it. He only answered her with, "I'm sorry."
The Kyoshi warrior nodded. She, too, felt that her duty to her people was her priority now. She wasn't going to waste her time clinging to someone who didn't care to see her for who she was. "Alright, then. Thanks for finally making it clear."
The councilman opened his eyes, unmoved, melting only when the moon filled his vision. I would never abandon you, Yue.
