Chapter 8: Beloved, How Long It Has Been

It had been a few hours since Sokka set sail for the North, finding himself deluged by the crimson in his chambers. Overseeing the decor in a royal fiery shade was a grand Fire Nation insignia on the wall across from him, speaking of the cruiser's origin. The Fire Lord had arranged what he could in Ba Sing Se from his homeland as a gesture of friendship. After all, traveling on a high-class Fire Nation cruiser, upgraded for faster speed during warring days, had its luxuries, and with Sokka being the Avatar's brother-in-law and a close friend of Fire Lord Zuko, such perks along with tight security were a must... as was the accompaniment of benders to keep the journey as smooth and quick as possible. Such perks were not what Sokka cared about save for speed. That's why as off-putting as it was to accept what he knew was really Zuko's pity gift, so long as the cruiser took Sokka to the North faster than other means of water travel, he didn't fight it.

A wobbly knock on the chamber door suddenly caught his attention, making him tear his eyes away from the scroll he had in his lap. "Come in."

A Fire Nation crew member stepped in with a tray and bowed.

"You're not asleep yet?" Sokka asked.

"No, sir, we are currently on storm watch."

A rogue wave hit right then, and the crewman made sure to keep the tray from toppling over from the ship's sudden sway. Through the window, branches of white could be seen streaking across the sky, disappearing in a flash. The clouds were tumultuous, blocking the moon and every ray of its light from the world. Aang had been right; a storm had been on the works and was now ready to strike.

"I'll be watching from my window, but if there's any emergency, come get me."

"Don't worry, sir. I'm sure we will have it under control. There are plenty of waterbenders on board." Holding out the tray in his hands, "I have brought in some tea for you."

"I didn't order tea, though."

"Avatar Aang told us to make sure we keep you as relaxed as possible. He suggested we offer you tea with a tiny bit of chi-enhancing supplements. They work well for elevating one's mood as well. I recall you favor ginseng?"

Of course Aang would arrange for things of this nature, Sokka guessed, especially after everything else the airbender has been doing to keep the warrior from falling deeper in the bottomless abyss that was his depression. "Mood-elevating, huh?"

"Yes. The supplements will also help keep your sleep cycle consistent."

"Right." Sighing and gesturing to the table beside his bed, "Please leave it over here. I'll have it in a minute. That'll be all."

"Yes, sir. Holler if you need anything else."

When he found himself alone again, Sokka placed aside the scroll he'd been studying and the notes he'd been taking, and after wolfing down the tea, he turned to his side on the bed, slipping back and forth from his drowsy haze given his lack of adequate sleep. Ever since he hit the water, he'd been deprived of rest thanks to an occasional dream that he'd been having frequently as of late: mimicking the chaos of the real world would be blurry blotches of black— a strange creature wasting away in the dark, rolling around on the ground near a pond. The beast, a mixture of man and wolf, would howl in pain, tearing at its dark fur, whimpering as it clutched its chest and pined for the Moon. Sokka, though finding the pining part familiar and resonating with it, would usually think nothing of the symbol of the manwolf that so obviously pointed to La in tribal culture; instead, the warrior would wallow in jealousy. What reason would La have for being in pain when his oh-so-spiritual authority snagged Yue's attention and, in a way, snatched her away from him?

But one victory that Sokka attributed to himself— one sweeping victory— was that she came to see him. She spoke to him.

And after all these years, she still loved him.

"I'm a big fan of yours, Councilman."

"I loved a guy once. Still do."

It sent him giddy as much as it crushed him.

"She doesn't have a heart. She's not supposed to."

"As a goddess, she would no longer have a heart to give to anyone... She has no reason for doing anything for herself if she exists for the people, right?"

"Chances of you even seeing her are slim because if she calls herself a Moon Spirit, then she will act like one. So come to terms with what happened...do what you can to move on."

He tossed aside the vermillion-hued pillow spreads and hugged the white beneath it close to his chest, allowing himself to indulge in the illusion that the soft white was the back of a moonlight-haired tribeswoman's head, that the rest of the fancy bolsters beneath the sheets resembled a falling, rising chest and the warm body of that fair-skinned goddess imbued with life and the promise of companionship.

"I will always be with you."

The warmth around him intensified with the drowsy effect of the chi-enhancer, specks of royal read and phoenix-scarlet turning to blurs. His tears sank into the pillow. "You were here. I know it."

And as he drifted to an induced slumber, the taste of the ginseng lingered in his mouth, stirring a particular memory little by little.


"It surprises me to see you visiting the Jasmine Dragon more often," Iroh said as he set down a tray containing two cups and a teapot consisting of ginseng tea. He took his seat and willingly poured the tea into a cup, handing it to the warrior sitting in front of him. "Not that I am against your visitations, but is there any particular reason behind them?"

Sokka took the cup and shook his head, giving no verbal response. The former general, despite knowing that the warrior was hiding something, decided to transition into it afterwards. He watched as Sokka gulped down the tea with haste and perhaps more fervor than when he swallowed the contents of bottles upon bottles of intoxicants over the years.

"Being a councilman must be stressful these days," Iroh noted with concern. "You usually take your time with your tea."

Sokka simply shrugged in response to the comment. He wiped his mouth and poured himself some more tea. "I'm surprised you're willing to spend your time with me right now than Zuko."

The moment could have turned awkward quickly. It was Iroh's last week at the Jasmine Dragon before he would make his journey to the Spirit World permanently. It was a difficult decision not for Iroh to make but for the members of the White Lotus and Team Avatar (especially Zuko) to accept. Because he was Zuko's father figure, he was expected by many to be beside his nephew these last few days in the physical world. Iroh, however, laughed away the seriousness behind it all. "Ah, but you are like a nephew to me as well," the elderly man smiled.

Sokka managed an awkward smile back.

"And anyway, Zuko does not need me that much anymore," the general mused, sipping his tea. "Izumi has taken my place."

Sokka looked up. "What?"

Iroh chuckled. "One does not need to always be ancient to guide another. Izumi may be a child, but with her in his life, Zuko will practice greater patience and understanding. Being a father is something that changes you for the better, and I know for a fact that it will change Zuko as well."

"Oh," Sokka mumbled in response.

Iroh then grew a little concerned that he said the wrong thing given Katara's excessive worry for the fate of her brother as well as the councilman's fuss over families and children as of late. "It is a nice alternative for him since he never got the chance to take care of someone. His relationship with Azula does not at all reflect the bond you and Katara share, the way you care for her as her older brother."

"Eh, I guess so."

The councilman gulped down the last of his tea and poured himself another cup. Iroh frowned; Sokka usually drank more than one cup of tea when he was disturbed. Who knew what influenced him to reach for a third cup this time.

"It seems like you are bothered by something."

Sokka knew Iroh was the best person to have a heart-to-heart with (although he didn't know what the man meant with his quotes half of the time). It was his last chance to speak with him personally. It wasn't like there were millions of people at the tea shop, either, so they did have some sort of privacy. "I actually have a favor to ask."

"A favor?"

The tribesman was about to pour himself some more tea when Iroh stopped him.

"I'm a fan of tea myself, but even I don't exceed three cups at once."

Sighing and rubbing his aching head. "I was wondering if...you'd be willing to say hi to the Moon Spirit for me..."

Iroh's eyes softened. He remembered that fateful night when the Northern Water Tribe princess sacrificed her life to save the Moon Spirit. He also remembered how traumatized the warrior had been, the way he tried to hold in his emotions but failed, eventually giving into his despair while La unleashed his own. "You must be having memories of your loved one even more recently."

His voice cracking, "Everyone keeps asking me why I haven't moved on yet, but I just can't. I won't. I was never able to just accept what happened. All these years, I distracted myself with work. I train my ass off every day and do whatever I can to better myself...but I hate myself. I should've been...I should've done something that night…"

By which he meant the night of the Siege, and Iroh did not have to be explicitly told to understand this.

"I think the reason I feel funny when I watch Aang and my sister play with the kiddos or see Zuko take Mai and Izumi on palanquin rides is because...I feel like I could've had that life with Yue," moisture threatened to take over his vision, but he angrily kept it back.

"It is perfectly alright to miss your loved one," Iroh told him, "Such is the nature of true affection and a first love. At the same time, you must be willing to adapt to all the trials and tribulations in your life. You say you constantly imagine having a family with her, and you are so fixed with that vision of what could have been that it feels wrong to not have it all manifest before you. Why not consider having a family of your own without bringing the Moon Spirit into your fantasy?"

Sokka frowned. He knew where this was going.

"I suggest that you start looking for a bride," Iroh said. "It is not too late. Marriage will help you move on. You can have a family as well as someone who will understand you for you. Someone who is mature enough to understand what you feel for the Moon Spirit. The clouds will pass, and the sky will be clear—"

"I can't imagine spending my life with anyone other than Yue," Sokka told him firmly. "And if marriage is my solution, I'll have to wait until I go to the Spirit World and see Yue again."

Iroh knew that Sokka was stubborn. It applied rather too well to his decision of not marrying. "Your grief is understandable, but it should not interfere with your future. You must understand that although one door closes, another one opens."

"Why can't another door open for me and Yue?"

The former general and Grand Lotus did not know what to say to that. Well, he did, but it was along the lines of fate and destiny— of Sokka's fate to live a life without her and of Princess Yue's destiny to uphold the universe— and it was all something Sokka wasn't going to want to hear.

"If you don't mind, can I ask you something?"

"Of course," Iroh nodded.

Sokka hesitated but reminded himself that it was all to prove a point. "Were you... willing to move on after your wife passed away?"

And after a moment of thought, "My situation was rather...different," the older man told him. "I was married."

"I wouldn't say it's too different. You loved her and were unwilling to accept another woman in your life, right? You couldn't go on in terms of a relationship. That's why you took the war more seriously. You were raised to care for the war but never did, but after your wife passed away and Lu Ten was caught up in training, you needed some kind of distraction. You spent years trying to clear out many forces in the Earth Kingdom and paving your path to easily get to Ba Sing Se. And when the time came, you began the Siege there."

Every single word Sokka said was true, and the older man did not argue with him one bit with regard to Sokka's summary of his personal details. He did, however, respond with, "But you are still young. You do not have to lead a life of detachment."

"Age doesn't really matter," Sokka told him. "I'm detached because I'm attached to someone."

And at this point, even the wise general couldn't respond. Moving on was not a clear answer nor a feasible for the warrior, but neither was staying trapped in the present. Sokka was in a position where excessive obsession over what happened led to self-destruction, especially with the task that Arnook had charged him with long ago: to protect the North's princess. And ever since the Siege of the North, it seemed that pure heartbreak and guilt started running through the tribesman's veins in lieu of blood and nourishment.

"What made it easier for you was that you still had someone to call yours," Sokka added delicately. "But...who do I have…? In memory of Yue?"

This, too, was a valid point, Iroh felt. Even if it was for only sixteen years, the Dragon of the West had Lu Ten to remind him of his wife. After Lu Ten left him, his world completely fell apart, but he still had Zuko to fill the void left in his heart. But Sokka was left out even in something of this nature. The older man placed his hand on Sokka's shoulder, noticing how the warrior was still trying his best not to succumb to the moisture in his eyes.

Sokka, reading the man's gaze, "No matter what you say, Yue is not someone to be replaced. La might demand a replacement, but not me." The sheer anger and venom that shot through Sokka as he spoke of the Ocean Spirit, "If it's true that second chances are crucial for healing, then all I want is a second chance with Yue. Not with someone else. I'm stronger now...I'm better...I will protect her this time, I… I need to…" Letting the tears fall now, "I won't fail, so please...please, it hurts…She was so innocent and pure...she didn't deserve this..."

Iroh realized that it was probably best if Sokka discovered his much-needed balance on his own. Even if the man dedicated the entire day to giving him inspirational talk, that wasn't going to change the pain that ravaged Sokka's heart. Afterall, experience was more important than words. But what Iroh could address now was the rage that was boiling silently in his glare that was directed to the floor.

"Was there a time when you despised me?" Iroh asked. "For making the observation that your loved one was touched by the Moon Spirit?"

The tribesman, while caught off guard by the question, did not make any effort to hide what was in his heart. "Of course I did. I blamed everyone in some way for a long time." He directed his attention to his empty cup and reached for the teapot to refill it, gulping down the tea with very little hesitation. "I blamed you for bringing that up in front of her at the right time. I was angry because the 'Avatar' was supposedly this all-powerful being, but that being could do nothing to save the Moon Spirit without having an innocent human being sacrifice her life." Adding unabashedly, "I blamed Zuko for being an ass and pulling the tricks he did. If he hadn't attacked Aang, and if he hadn't taken him with him from the Spirit Oasis, Yue probably wouldn't have come with us. She probably wouldn't have even been at the scene..."

So much that had taken place yet so many possibilities where it didn't all have to happen...but what suffocated Sokka on the inside was what he felt was his own uselessness.

"There was no use blaming everyone else after a point because even if I didn't have it in me to change people, I still had every opportunity to save her." With a choked gasp, "It was my fault. Danger is everywhere and comes in all forms, but I should've been more careful. I was supposed to protect…"

But Iroh only shook his head, "You should not think of what happened in that manner. It was never in your hands or anyone else's. It was her destiny, a reminder of who she really is. Even if all the things that could've prevented this had happened, maybe it still would have happened somehow." The man placed a comforting hand over Sokka's shoulder, "She did not die, Sokka. She ascended as a hero. And the legacy she left behind is vast and permanent. Whether the people of this world remember her or not, whether they know her story or not, her legacy is in every breath we have taken since the Siege, every breath we are taking now, right at this moment. It is because of what she has given up that all forms of life in this world continue to be, continue to take birth again and again. The peace we are now experiencing, the reason to keep fighting, our purposes for living or even the lack thereof...everything is. And it is all because of her."

But what about everything she could've had? Because her existence shouldn't be limited to sacrifice. The memories she left behind, the dreams she must've had, the bonds she formed with her loved ones...were they all purposeless? He refused to believe they were.

"I understand that you loved her, but she is the Ocean's other half, and Tui is not to be limited to a mere koi fish or a once-living princess. Her Spirit is everywhere. In all beings, in all things in this world." Granting him a hopeful smile, "If even death is not the end, then think of how permanent an ascended being would be."

But Sokka didn't want to hear of any philosophy right now. "I don't mean to be a jerk, but I don't think you'd appreciate it very much if said some similar shit about Lu Ten to comfort you."

"I will not be offended," the man said, remaining calm, "After all, I am going to see Lu Ten in the Spirit World. And guess what? I have a feeling that the same will happen for you."

Hope flickered in the tribesman's sullen gaze.

"If it is your destiny to meet again, then you will both meet again, but you have to be strong for the sake of meeting your loved one when the time comes," Iroh pat the warrior's back, "Don't you?"

The councilman pondered his words for a little bit and knew he was right. He gulped, managing a nod.

"And as far as your message goes… I will deliver it to the Moon Spirit the second I meet her."

Brushing the tears away from his eyes, he looked up at the older man, "Tell her I love her. Tell her I'm always waiting, always watching."


The harsh banging at his chamber door tugged at his consciousness. He hastily wiped away the sweat and moisture surrounding his eyes, almost tripping over the silk sheets as he swung the door open, "What's going on?"

"Councilman Sokka, the weather is getting much worse. The tides are turning violent."

"Where are Nuri and Kinnu?"

"They've been trying their best to guide the steamer, but things are getting out of control."

A flash of lightning directed Sokka's attention to the window, at the harsh pattering of rain slicing through the window and soaking the floor. The councilman frowned, "Are you kidding? They should be taking cover right now, not playing with magic water."

"But Avatar Aang told us to make sure you arrive safely—"

"I'll be okay without all this bending excellence. What you need to do now is save yourselves, not follow orders blindly," he grabbed his coat and rushed outside, nearly tumbling forward from the wrath of the raging waves. Rain pricked his bare hands and seemed to pierce through the ship itself. The waves were highly restless, and the water threatened to spill onto the deck. It was a surprise as to how the steamer hadn't toppled over yet.

"This is not the time to calm the sea down," Sokka muttered, growing worried. He saw the two waterbenders struggling to suppress the tides' anger and clearly failing, struggling to stand still even with their feet frozen to the deck to keep them in place.

"Nuri! Kinnu!" Sokka yelled through the roaring of the winds. "Take cover!"

"But sir, Avatar Aang said—"

"Forget what he said!"

Lightning flashed and thunder flared. The sky was churning with fury in a way Sokka had never seen before. Rain plummeted harder and chilled the crewmen to the bones. It was all escalating in a matter of seconds. Nuri was swept away with another giant wave, and the water bubble that Kinnu tried to uphold collapsed with a sudden swarm of harsher rain.

"Councilman Sokka, you have to go inside!" the Lieutenant urged.

"I'll be fine!" Sokka grabbed hold of the mast, "Get some cover!"

It was all like a spell, like the water was taunting them. Hypotheses of La's anger flailed among the believing tribefolk while the firebenders tried their luck in manually maneuvering the ship. Even in spite of Sokka's own efforts and the sharp commands that he gave the crewmen, nothing proved to be useful. Just when the others felt the situation was completely hopeless and dashed inside for cover at Sokka's orders, mist suddenly enshrouded the darkness.

"What's happening?" a confused crewman asked on his way inside.

"Councilman Sokka!"

"Please, sir, take cover—!"

"Go inside!" he barked, "I'll be okay!"

It suddenly grew harder for anyone to see. In the distance, Sokka could hear several people shouting his name, telling him to take cover, but he didn't move and observed the mist, almost captivated by it. What drew him in was not the mist itself, but the phenomenon he witnessed afterwards. While the winds whipped at him and the rain seemed to tear through his flesh, he was able to notice a particular flash of lightning in the near distance. And within the glow of the lightning bolts, he could've sworn that he saw a pair of eyes— bewitching baby-blue orbs— looking at him. A pair of eyes which had graced him with its presence just yesterday in the guise of a man, a pair that he knew could belong to only one person. Even though the darkness veiled them completely in a matter of milliseconds, and even though he saw no other part of her face save for those eyes, he whispered with exhilarated reverence, "Yue…"

In a matter of seconds, it was only him and the breathtaking sight that had briefly flashed before him; everyone else was out of his sight despite lingering hollers of his name jumbled up in the chaos of the grand mist. He could already hear the conversation that was to take place if he told them of what was happening. It was the tea. It was the chi-enhancing supplement. The mood-enhancing properties. They worked their effects on you. It wasn't real. You were hallucinating again. Either that or all that rain must have gotten to your head. Maybe you're finally going crazy with your emotional burden because there was no absolute way she...or her eyes, rather...could have been before you.

But she was here. She had visited him last night when he was caught up in agony and a fierce drunken stupor. She had come to see him; she had healed him and spoken to him, and this was the truth, whoever believed it or didn't. He did, however, a little on the inside when he was now abandoned by her gaze. She loved him, didn't she? Wouldn't she spend a few seconds showing him her face after these painfully long years? Rather than hiding behind magic and veils and disguises?

"Yue!" he called out, whimpering in the darkness. He let go of the mast, not caring if the water swept him away at this point— let him die a thousand deaths if it meant he could live long enough to see her face. He raced out to the edge of the ship where most of the mist was situated so he could be appeased by the hope that her breathy arms would envelop him. Something made of metal hit his head in the process, but he didn't acknowledge it. His piercing blue eyes scanned the rough atmosphere and ignored the tantrum of the sea, wanting to drown in the mist despite the throbbing of his head.

How pitiful he appeared to the universe. A mere human in search of a timeless goddess, his yearning stamped as impossible by the world. Not that he cared.

"YUE!" he howled again, his voice breaking from the lump forming in his throat. It was like he wouldn't survive if he didn't call out her name. "You came for me last night! You came to see me! Yue!"

Moisture spilled from his eyes and merged as one with the rain. The air around him seemed so surreal, yet he eagerly waited for the next flashes of lightning. Only when they came, he could see nothing in their light. That didn't mean the otherworldly disappeared from the atmosphere altogether, did it?

"I know you're here!" he croaked, "Yue, I need to see you!"

A sudden glow flickered through the immense blankets of mist and raised his hopes, but she did not appear before him. Even so, it was like a curse was lifted. The waves suddenly waned from their restlessness and began to settle down. All the seawater that temporarily eroded the deck of the ship seemed to shift to the edges before spilling back into the sea as if someone had swiftly waterbent it. "Please! I need to see you!"

The thunder didn't rumble as deeply and viciously as it did before. The harshness of the rain subsided, and the ship stopped rocking back and forth and found stability. It was definitely the Moon Spirit making these changes in spite of her refusal to let him see her.

But he did hear her voice. No longer was it modulated; rather, it was strikingly her own.

Danger awaits you at the North Pole, Councilman. You must turn back.

Councilman? The distance in the formality stung him as an overwhelming blend of nostalgia and yearning boiled over. He missed her voice so much, and it was more flawless than he had known it to be all these years, but it was very emotionless, devoid of the softness that he had gotten to know all those years ago.

"Yue," he breathed, tender and broken, "It's me. Sokka."

Turn back from this place, came the more cautious tone.

He felt fidgety. Clearly he knew she was warning him out of her affection for him, but she wasn't willing to acknowledge him. She wasn't angry with him, was she, since these past twenty-four hours? Was she displeased by his harshness yesterday?

"I didn't know it was you," he croaked, tears spilling, "I'm sorry! Please, Yue, let me see you!"

But then again, she had approached him without meaning to have him recognize, without having him know...

"Come to terms with what happened...do what you can to move on…"

The lump in his throat was consuming him by the time the mist began to disperse quickly. "No! Wait! Yue!" And he aimlessly lunged towards the last traces of the mist, but it was like the spirit was walking away from him at alien speeds. He felt like a madman as he tried to grab handfuls of the mist.

"Don't go! Yue! I won't let go, Yue!"

He felt an uneasiness in his chest as the night grew perfectly still following the complete evanescence of the white mist. The sea ceased its tantrum and slumbered as if nothing had caused its restlessness, bringing the ship back to its usual lulling rhythm.

"NO!"

The remaining mist that he'd tried so desperately to hide in his palms slipped between his fingers and faded away. His tired, sullen form, which continued to quiver and shiver from the onslaught of goosebumps, sought relief in the reflection of the moon in the ocean below— an image, fostered by the cleared night sky— that brought him down to his knees. With a deep breath, he glanced at the night, unchanged in his fervor.

So close, he had been so close. But it wasn't enough.


Sokka was not sure how much time had passed as he fell back against the dried deck and immersed in the experience of what happened. His eyes strained to stay open, refusing to submit to the effects of the tea. Only the moon filled his vision, her presence his greatest motivation. Eventually the world came to its senses, the Moon Spirit's appearance, which had sent them into an inexplicable slumber, finally lifting. Footsteps started racing up to Sokka from behind, followed by shocked cries and worried gasps.

"Councilman!"

"Councilman Sokka!"

"Oh no, he's fallen!"

"Sir, are you alright?!"

Multiple hands reached for his shoulders, helping to pull him up to his feet.

"Councilman, are you alright?!" the Lieutenant panicked.

"I'm okay," Sokka managed, still dazed with his pupils glazed, "How are the others?"

"They're alright. We're not exactly sure how this happened. All I can say is that the Spirits were on our side."

Sokka nodded. "There are some things you don't need to find the answers for. You just have to accept them and move on."

Unable to extract the exact meaning of his words, "Are you sure you're alright, sir?"

"I guess I'm alive." The warrior glanced at the Lieutenant's alarmed expression. "Don't worry about it. How much longer until we reach the North?"

"Um...it will be two weeks as expected, sir, why—?"

"Make it one week," Sokka glanced at the moon, which shimmered among the clouds, posing as an innocent witness. "I don't know how you'll do it, but I need to be there in one week."

"One week? But—"

"I'm sure the benders can speed things up, can't they?"

"I'm afraid it will be very risky. Even if we do have technological advancements and bender support. If you're really up for it—"

"Oh, I'm up for it," he frowned determinedly, "The sooner we reach the North Pole, the better."

He could see the glimmering crescent in the sky seek purchase behind the clouds, shifting out of sight, and he knew that his decision was to blame, for the goddess likely wasn't pleased. She had, after all, broken her record of staying hidden twice by now. All to warn him, to look out for him.

Danger awaits you at the North Pole.

He gave a lifeless chuckle as he dried his eyes. Who cared about danger if it meant he could see her again? Use it as a good excuse to make her visit him more often? Maybe next time, he would be able to see her face.

"Whatever danger there is, it doesn't matter, Yue," he whispered, "I'm coming for you. I'm going to help the Northern Water Tribe. No matter what happens."