"…It really is true… You don't know what you'll miss until you go without…"

I couldn't help but smile slightly as I rose from the couch and gave my arms a good stretch. I didn't even need to look for the time to know it was already late in the afternoon; light coming in from outside the house served a clear enough indicator. Sleep schedule was going to be absolutely fucked for the next few days.

"…Then again, my normal sleeping habits would also be considered fucked by actual normal standards…"

But that was good. This was good. After weeks of working alongside Caster, living off nothing more than power naps, I'd needed this.

"Oh indeed. Anyways, I wish you two the best of luck."

"You're leaving?!"

"The alliance is over. Even worse, I failed to uphold my end, while you two upheld yours."

"I mean-"

"I'm only here now to relay the results. But I-… I have no business remaining here."

"But where are you going to go?"

"…What kind of a question is that? I'm going home. Where else would I go?"

"Well-"

"Regardless, wish you two the best. This past month has been one hell of an experience."

"Wait!"

"…What now kid? It's late, and I got a fair trip back."

"I just- Look, as you say, it's late, and you look like death. Um… no offence."

"Get on with it, kid."

"We know we're not allies, but just stay the night! Forget the war, and upholding deals, and all of that! You're in no state to walk a long distance anywhere, and hell, the busses aren't even running anymore tonight!"

Even Sortiara had chimed in at the end, while Johnathan was struggling with his words. Despite… well, despite everything, I suppose, they'd…

They still invited me in, and let me stay the night…

…Yeah, I'd needed this. In more ways than one.

After the good stretch, I turned my focus to my hands. Still couldn't feel them at all, and no matter how much I tried, I couldn't get even the slightest of motion from even a single finger, let alone an entire hand.

"…Give it another try tomorrow, I suppose, but…"

But I could wait an eternity, and they'd never move again. This much, I knew to be true.

"…Man, I hate this game" I laughed to myself as I started wandering around the house, looking for the kids.

Should at least tell them I was heading out now. Thank them as well.

Swiftly dawned on me though that I was probably searching for nothing. The house was quiet. Way too quiet for them to be home. Not a single light was on either, which, even though there was still sunlight out, was definitely not normal for those two.

A note taped to the front door would serve as confirmation.

Went out looking for Rider and Assassin. Didn't want to wake you. Don't feel like you need to rush to leave.

"…Interesting approach, hunting for the opposition during the day… Though, I suppose Lancer especially would really be on the clock by now" I mused, reaching to pull the note from the door before realizing I couldn't actually, well, do that...

Slipping my feet into my shoes, I just about to start experimenting with how to open the front door when I started thinking.

Don't feel like you need to rush to leave.

…Technically, I was out of the war…

…We weren't allies, and I really had no business interfering further…

…But did I really want to leave all this… this world of magecraft behind quite so soon…?

After all, the moment I said goodbye to this place for good, I knew… That would be it for me. This secret world of magecraft, I'd… I'd likely never see it again.

…And…

"…I suppose I do owe the kids, seeing as I'd failed to take out Rider as I'd promised I would…"

Slipping my shoes back off, I made my way towards my old office.

"May not be able to fight, but it takes more than that to win something like this" I muttered as I flipped the light switch with my elbow. "I can tell them where Rider and the priest have their base when they return, but… I do want to dig up Assassin myself anyways…"

Good news was that the old computer wasn't a laptop, meaning it had a big ass power button I could hit with my toe to turn the damn thing on. The bad news, though, was that I was obviously going to be unable to type, or use the mouse.

"Argh, this is going to be such a pain… What to use, what to use…?"

As the computer booted up, I finally settled on pushing a pencil over to the edge of the desk, and picked it up using my elbows, pointing the eraser end downwards.

"Slow and shitty… how fitting…" I grumbled between my annoyance with the incredibly slow computer, and the uncomfortable feeling from having to constantly keep my elbows pushed together.

If I drop this pencil, there is no picking it off from the ground…

"…This is going to take a while to get used to…"

I was going to need to figure out something far better than this for my setup back home. …Assuming I could, at any rate.

…Man, how am I going to read books…?

"Ahh, forget all that for now" I sighed as the computer finally finished booting up. "One thing at a time. One thing at a time…"

Trying to do anything proved to be very… finnicky. The mouse was a bit too heavy to move easily by pushing it around with just the butt of a pencil. Trying to click on things usually required more than a couple attempts. And typing… holy shit, it felt like an eternity passed every time I attempted to type anything in a search bar! Pecking at one key at a time was just too damn slow!

…I suppose then it was a good thing then, that the bombshell was discovered quickly.

"First things first, start with the news…"

Took about five whole minutes just to pull up the homepage for the local news, but those five minutes proved to be far more useful than I'd imagined. Truthfully, my intent had been to take a look and see what the police were up to when it came to their investigations. Also, to see just how much the events of last night have muddied things. After all, it doesn't matter if, on paper, Assassin is weaker than Saber or Lancer: picking your battlefield is always better than not.

What I hadn't been looking for was the currently breaking story, but when I saw the thumbnail my entire thought process came to a crashing halt.

"…No way…"

In a rush to open the article, I nearly ended up dropping the pencil. When I finally did get the mouse's cooperation though, I did end up dropping the pencil as the bold headline took the entirety of my attention.

ONE DEAD IN OVERNIGHT SHOOTING AS VIOLENCE MAINTAINS GRIP OVER CITY

Skimming through what I could read of the article without scrolling down, disbelief faded as reality set in.

The one who had been killed last night was none other than Christopher.

…The damn priest… is dead…


Trying to find anything on Assassin proved to be futile. Every angle, every report I could find could all be traced back to either the kids, myself, Archer, Rider or Berserker. Assassin really had simply sat back the entire time, until he presumably made his move against Rider to finish him off. And he'd done a damn good job at it too…

The fact I was working at about one tenth of my usual pace didn't help things. Honestly, it just served to make me very, very frustrated. Did give me time to think on what I needed to do next though.

The answer, of course, was obvious. I just… didn't like it…

So, I tried to dance around it. Come up with a different answer; different solution. Almost managed to trick myself a couple times too.

…Key word being almost.

No, to keep my promise to Caster, I was going to need to sort out all my supposed memories, and establish what was really true, and what were the lies gone rampant. But that was something I couldn't do alone. I would need help. Lots of help.

…From some very specific people.

…And knowing that terrified me more than anything else ever had…

It was almost a relief when I heard the kids finally return, just past one in the morning. They sounded a bit tired, and I could hear them arguing through even the closed office door.

So they'd had more or less what I considered a typical day for the two of them.

Within a minute the office door opened, and I could see Johnathan standing in the doorway.

"Surprised you're still here" he commented as he walked in. "Not that I min-… What are you-"

"How else to you expect me to type with no fingers" I laughed slightly, dropping what had to be around the tenth pencil to ground so it could join its brethren. "Um, sorry about the mess, but once they fall to the ground I can't really-"

"I, uh, get the picture. Don't worry about it."

"But yeah, still here" I sighed. "May be out of the war officially, but I intend to see this whole ordeal through to the end. Take it you didn't find either Rider or Assassin, considering you two entered the place arguing as usual?"

"…Yeah, that about sums it up" Johnathan sighed as Sortiara entered the room and joined us.

"Told you we should have split up" she huffed.

"That would have only made us easier pickings for Rider and the Executor, let alone Assassin and his master."

"Actually, you two don't need to worry about Rider anymore" I pulled up the first article I'd found in the afternoon to show them. "Assassin seems to have done you two a solid, in a way."

"…Holy shit" Johnathan muttered as he started at the monitor.

"So, we basically wasted an entire day for nothing" came Sortiara's response only a second later.

She didn't sound please in the slightest.

Naturally, I took this moment to give the two of them a reminder of an old lesson.

"And this is why I told you guys to always check the news" I chimed as I stood up, as Johnathan tried to hold back his snickers and Sortiara glared daggers at me.

"If you so much as start-"

"Alright, alright, I'll take it easy on you two. This time, at least."

"…I liked it better when you weren't around."

"Definitely not the first to feel that way" I laughed.

"So that's it then? You just sat around here, waiting for us to return so you could gloat?"

"No, that was just a bonus. Though I would like to see you try opening the front door without your hands."

"…"

"…He kind of has you there, Sortiara."

"You zip it!"

And the two of them were back at it. Never change, you goofballs…

"I take it you're staying the night again" Sortiara finally huffed, turning her attention back to me.

"Provided you two are willing" I shrugged.

"Not my choice" Sortiara muttered.

"Not like he can be a hinderance, and nobody else is using the couch" Johnathan pointed out.

"Cool. Though, actually, if I could be just a bit of a-… a hinderance…" I felt my voice die within me as fear took hold.

"Um… you ok Nathan" Johnathan asked, sounding slightly alarmed. "You don't look… well."

"You look like you've seen a ghost" Sortiara snorted.

"…Haven't we all seen multiple ghosts by now" I tried to deflect and make a joke to calm myself.

Needless to say, it didn't work at all…

"Not what I meant, and we all know it. Seriously, you don't normally look this pale."

"I-I'm fine. Really… I just, well… come with me."

Walking past the two of them I headed straight for the kitchen.

"Have you even had anything to eat today" Johnathan questioned as he and Sortiara followed me into the kitchen.

"No, but that's not- well, ok, I guess it is an issue, but-"

"Ok, seriously, what has you all worked up all of a sudden?"

I knew I must have been starting to freak the two of them out a little, because Sortiara actually sounded like she had genuine concern in her voice.

"I, um… I-It's hard for me to say but… I need to make a phone call…" I muttered, taking a seat at the kitchen table and pointing towards the landline phone sitting on the counter with my elbow.

"A phone call? To who" Johnathan asked quizzically as he grabbed the phone.

"And about what" Sortiara asked a bit more accusatory.

"To someone… Someone I should have contacted a long time ago, let's say…" I laughed slightly from the nerves getting the better of me. "As for what… I'm not even sure, really… I just figured I'd make the call and, well... see where it goes from there…"

God, I can't believe I'm actually doing this…

"…Sure" Sortiara commented, her tone making it clear she wasn't sure at all.

But hey, I might not even be remembering the right number. Or she could have changed it. It has been four years, who knows…?

"Here" Johnathan reached out and put the phone in front of me.

"…Gonna need you to-" I started to say, unable to finish before Johnathan picked the phone back up.

"Dial. Right… The number?"

There's no way she picks up, right? Definitely asleep by now. Should I leave a message then? …Would she even listen to a message? Would she think it's a prank?

Never have I wished for a glass of plain old water more than as I recited the number to Johnathan, the beep from the phone with each number input echoing in my mind.

…Does she even have voicemail set up on her cellphone? It might very well be dead, too. Or she could be too far way from it to hear it ring.

"It's ringing. How do you, um…"

"Gonna have to be speakerphone, unless you want to hold it to my ear" I shook my head slightly, unable to commit to the chuckle but definitely feeling it.

God, this is going to be a shitshow… She's going to hate me. She's going to completely rip into me. Tell me she never wants to hear from me again. That I was dead to her.

"Do you want us to go, or…" Johnathan sounding unsure about that as he placed the phone in front of me told me all I needed to know about how bad I must have looked.

"Honestly… n-not really…"

It'd be deserved too. It was my fault, after all. Always is my fault… Maybe it would be best if she never picked up.

Time seemed like it was dragging on with each ring, just to torment me. Vaguely, I could feel the presence of the two kids somewhere behind me.

She definitely would have picked up by now. It'll go to voicemail, or just cut off entirely. …Oh, forget this! I-I can't do this! Not now! I need more ti-

"Hello?!"

The moment I heard her voice come through the phone, I felt myself begin to break.

"Who is this?! Do you have any idea how late-"

"H-Hey, Ash" I wanted to kick myself with how shaky my voice sounded to me. "I-It's, um… I-It's me…"

Everything went eerily silent for what felt like an eternity as my voice gave out.

"…Tristan?! Tristan, is that you?!"

I could practically feel the confusion coming from the kids behind me. Hell, I was confused too. That was definitely her number, definitely her voice, but my name wasn't-

…Wasn't Nathan…

…I'd changed my name. Right, I'd changed my name. I'd thought it a sensible precaution at the time, considering what I'd had been about to start doing and all. How did I-

"Hello?! Hello?!"

"Y-Yeah, it's, uh, it's me, sis" I could feel the tears beginning to form as I chocked back a bitter laugh. "Sorry, just… not used to people calling me that anymore. How, uh… How have you been?"

More silence, and for the briefest of moments, I suspected she'd actually hung up upon realizing who exactly it was she was speaking to.

Instead, the silence was broken by an explosion of anger.

"How have I been?! HOW HAVE I BEEN?! Four years, Tristan! Four years you've cut off all contact! Four years I had no idea where you were! If you were even still alive! Four years, and the first thing you do after calling stupidly late at night from an unknown number out of the blue is ask me how I've been?! I'VE BEEN LIKE SHIT, THANK YOU FOR ASKIGN!"

…Throwing in sarcasm even when furious… Yeah, that sounded like Ashley…

"…I'm sorry, sis."

"…No."

A heavy silence set in as I could hear heavy breathing through the phone.

"No" Ashley's voice was like ice. "You don't get to call me that. Your apologies mean nothing; have always meant nothing. You go on and on, spewing words from your mouth without ever backing them up. I am tired of hearing you say sorry time and time again, of saying you understand time and time again, without ever doing anything about it! I don't doubt you understand. No one ever doubted you understood! But what did you ever do about it?! What did you ever do to change things?!"

"Ash-"

"Nothing! You've only ever done nothing! That's always been your problem!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…Glad you got that off your chest" I asked, the slightest of smiles forming on my face.

"You fucking asshole" I could hear her crying now, but faintly, I thought I caught a hint of a laugh in there too. "…Why are you calling me now, out of the blue like this?"

"Would you believe me if I said I wanted to check up on how my little sister was doing?"

"Pfft, no" Ashley dismissed with a snort.

"Good; you haven't gone stupid in my four years of absence."

"Coming from the one who failed his ass out of university."

"Dropped out" I sighed.

"Yeah, and we both know why you dropped out."

"If I really wanted to, sis, we both know I could have-"

"What happened, Tristan?"

"…"

"…"

"…Nothing's happened, sis."

"Bullshit. As you said, I'm not stupid. The only reason why you'd call is because something has happened, and it's serious enough that you don't know how to deal with it yourself."

"…"

"You might as well just tell me I'm right."

"Because you're always right?"

"No. Knowing everything was your thing. I'm right in this case though because, while I admit I know far less than you do, I do know my brother."

"Haa..."

"You're dodging the question. Start simpler then: where are you?"

"Virginia."

"Virginia? So, you really did make it to the states… But why Virginia? What happened to-"

"California? Yeah… turns out that may have been a bit of a stretch for someone with no money to their name."

"Yeah, no shit Sherlock. But ok, Virginia. Been hearing a lot of crazy shit has been going down there lately. How bad is it where you are?"

"I mean… it's affected me somewhat" I measured my words carefully. "Cops and feds running round all over the place and making traveling anywhere a nightmare, but I'm still kicking."

"Damn cockroach is what you are."

"Rude. …But fair."

"Only you, Tristan. Only you…"

"I mean, would you want-"

"What I want is the truth."

"…Huh?"

"You're in Virginia. I believe that. And I know you're a good liar. I know that, even on a bad day, you could easily spin a thousand webs and I'd fall into every single one. So, the fact that I can immediately tell that you're lying, that you're trying to make it seem like you're ok, that… that scares me. And I don't know why you're trying to lie; if you're in trouble with the law, or-"

"Sis, I'm not in trouble with the law."

"…"

"Honest. I'm not in trouble with the law."

"Then tell me what the problem is. Why are you calling me now, after four years of nothing?"

"…"

"…"

"…It's my hands, sis."

"Your hands? What about your hands?"

"They're… They're gone, sis."

"Gone? What do you mean they're- …Tristan, what have you done?"

"I've gone and done exactly what dad always told me I would do" I laughed bitterly. "Yeah, my hands are done, sis. Haven't been able to move them in over a day, and I know already that they're never going to move again."

"What-"

"And I know what you're going to say" I continued, the words just flowing with me unable to stop them. "I know I was stupid. I know I should have been more careful with them. I know dad was right, because dad was always right. I've gone and thrown my hands away on something so outlandishly stupid that I didn't even need to do in the first place. Hell, not even that; it actually would have been better to not have done what I did even if my hands never had any issues at all. I didn't learn my lesson, played with fire, and got burned, again, and I only have myself to blame because I never listen; because I always think I know everything better than anyone and I-"

"Was it beautiful?"

"…"

"…"

"…What?"

"I'm not dad, Tristan. Sure, I could lecture you on how stupid you were not listening to the doctors, and not taking it easy. I could recite dad's whole speech to you about how you constantly throw your life away for pointless things and stupid dreams, and how you'll never stop being a failure because of it. But I'm not dad."

"…"

"What I do know, is that when it came to your body, you only cared about three things: your mind, your eyes, and your hands. You could have been paralyzed from the waist down, and you wouldn't have cared in the slightest. And I know that you are always going to do what you want to do, in order to see the most of this... this beauty of yours. I could lecture you for hours, as dad has done, and I know it won't change a single thing. You will always do what you want to do."

"…"

"So even though I've never fully understood this beauty you would tell me of, I know that you would only risk your hands if it was for something you thought was truly beautiful. So, there's really only one thing worth asking: was it worth it, brother? What you sacrificed your hands for… was it beautiful?"

"…"

"…"

"Y-Yes…"

And in that moment of barely being able to chock out a reply, I shattered.

"Yes… it was beautiful" I was no longer able to hold back the tears. "Oh my god, it was so beautiful, sis. If only... if only people could have- have seen it! If only you'd have seen it, sis! Or if- if dad would have seen it- if I could have only just shown him, then maybe he'd have finally-"

"Woah, slow down there. Me understanding is already a bit of a stretch. Saying you'd have gotten dad to understand-"

"I know, I know" I laughed between the sniffling. "Dad would have just told me it was a stupid waste."

"That sounds more like him, for better or worse."

"God, dealing with dad is always the worst."

"You don't mean that."

"…You're right, I don't. It's only sometimes the worst."

"That I can agree with."

"…"

"…So, anything else you feel like letting me know? I'm sure you got plenty of stories to tell."

"That I do, but probably best save those for another time, when I'm not a snotty mess."

"Good point."

"…"

"…What do you plan on doing now though?"

"That… Well, first I have some stuff to finish up here, but after that… Well, you know how I said I wasn't used to being called Tristan earlier?"

"What, did you change your name or something?"

"I mean, yes, but… Well, truth be told, I actually forgot my name ever was Tristan."

"You what?!"

"Not just that. It's other things too. Things that I… For years, I've been lying to myself, sis. Same way I spin all those webs to ensnare others, I, uh… I've ensnared myself. I remember a lot of things in a lot of different ways, but I… I can't remember which way is true, or if any of them are even true. I want to fix that. I want to- to stop living with these delusions of what my life was like. …I want to stop running."

"Ah… so that's what this call was really all about. Your hands seizing up was-"

"Just the catalyst to make me realize I can't go at it alone? Yeah. …Well, one of the catalysts, at any rate, but that's a story for another time."

"...You are aware of what that means though, right?"

"…"

"…"

"…Yeah" I sighed with a final sniffle. "It means I have to return home… and face mom and dad…"

"You even have a plan for all that?"

"Oh gods, no! Even thinking the notion terrifies me. …When do you plan on going back home next?"

"What makes you think I'm not still at home?"

"Please, you're my sister" I laughed slightly. "I know you already have a place you've moved into."

"Yeah, Vancouver is far nicer than Mississauga, let me tell you."

"Damn, first to finish university and first to the west coast."

"I'm sure by now you could have been in California if you wanted."

"You're right; simply too cheap to pay the house prices out there."

"Fucking knew it!"

"Now look who's dodging questions."

"Sheesh… I mean, I suppose I was already planning on visiting them the first week of July."

"So soon?!"

"I'm sorry, would you like me to balance my schedule around you as well?"

"I mean, of course, but I know that isn't happening."

"Damn straight it's not. Besides, isn't it better you do all this sooner, rather than later?"

"…I suppose you're right?"

"You suppose?"

"You're not getting anything more from me."

"Boo, you're no fun!"

"When have I ever been?"

"You come back home to visit, and I'll tell you" Ashley teased. "Even pick you up from the airport."

"Alright, alright… July second work?"

"Pushing for every day, aren't you… Alright, July second then."

"Oh, and Ash?"

"Yeah?"

"…Don't tell mom or dad about this."

"Are you going to tell them?"

"No."

"Tristan-"

"Look, the only advantage I have is the element of surprise. Just… please, keep it that way."

"…Alright, fine. …I'd ask for your phone number, but…"

"I'm not giving you mine, and I know yours. At least, I'm not giving you mine yet."

"But you will call me again?"

"Yes."

"Before July?!"

"Ash…"

"This is not negotiable!"

"Okay, okay, yes, you win… I'll call again soon" I laughed slightly.

"Good! And Tristan?"

"Yeah?"

"…I've missed you."

"…Missed you too, sis."

With a click, the line went dead, and a low, droning noise played out through the phone until Johnathan reached to pick it up and return it to it's stand.

I sat there, trying to process everything. I felt… empty, but in what I thought was a good way? Or maybe not a good way, but just… not a bad way? It wasn't clear at all to me; little was, really. What was clear, though, was that I wouldn't be getting any sleep for a good while as I tried to sort out, well…

Everything…

Standing up, I got my first look at the kids' faces. Suffice to say, the computers in their heads had short-circuited. They just kind of stood there, unsure of even where to look, let alone of what to say.

"Are you, um" Johnathan began to stammer, bless his heart for trying.

"I'll be fine" I gave the two of them a slight grin. "Gonna have to think on a lot of things for a good while, but yeah… I'll be fine. Thanks for this."

They still seemed rather lifeless as I brushed past them, but I couldn't really fault them for that. They had their own issues to deal with; war wasn't stopping just because I had issues. Between that and what they'd just heard between me and my sister, I suppose it would have been weird if they had been acting like normal.

"Best get some sleep, you two" I shouted back to them as I made my way towards the back garden. "You still got a war to win."


A/N

Guess what people: I'm not dead! Ah, it's good to be back! This took WAY TOO LONG to get out, I know, but life really just felt like taking me down a few pegs the past couple of weeks, and so I've simply been too busy to get a post of this size out any earlier. So yeah, my bad...

Next post might also take a bit of time (though not as long as this one took, I don't think) because it should be a big post like this one is.

…At least, I think it will be? …We'll see when I put it into words, I suppose.

Of course, I wasn't just busy with school and other life shit. As I (believe) I've said before, this story is almost done, and I've begun putting serious time into planning out how I want the... well, let's call them "starting positions", so to speak, to be for the next work.

After all, games are dreadfully boring without good matchups ;)