How long had I been sitting out here now? One hour? Two? The peace of the garden and the slight chill of the night air… it all simply felt too good to cause me to care about something so trivial as the passage of time. Here in the dark, attempting to start the inevitably slow and lengthy process of understanding myself, untangling the truths from the lies.

"…"

On occasion though, my mind would still wander back to my hands. I wanted to say I'd broken through the first four of the five stages of grief already, but parts of me still lingered on the previous stages. All at the same time. Actually trying to confront and understand all the contradictions in my mind, even for just this one thing… Well, it was an interesting experience, if nothing else.

"But which sentiment is the true sentiment? Or are they all true, in a way…?"

Such were the types of questions I muttered to myself as I sat next to the edge of the pond in Johnathan's garden.

At one point my mind just shut out all thoughts entirely, and I suddenly snapped back to some semblance of reality. I lying on the ground by the edge of the pond, staring at my reflection in the water. During this staring contest with my own reflection my mind slowly started thinking again, though not in a way I'd have imagined.

"You, tread water, fighting for the air in your lungs… Move, move closer… Maybe you can right all your wrongs…"

"…"

"…"

"…You're not actually thinking of doing that, are you?"

A slight smile formed as I heard Johnathan's voice somewhere behind me.

"What, suicide" I asked, sitting up and turning to face him. "Nah… Don't even think the song that's from is about anything of the sort. More like… romantic feelings and sentiments never acted upon? But hell if I know; don't even remember the name of the song the lyrics are from. It's just the feeling I get from those words."

"Oh. Well that's… something?"

"It is indeed something" I laughed. "But enough of that. What are you doing still up? Sleep should be your priority."

"Can't sleep."

"You worried you won't find Assassin or something?"

"I won't deny that the war is on my mind, but… it's not what's really on my mind."

"Then what's up?"

"Well, simply put, I wanted to talk to you."

That admission caught me completely off guard.

"…You want to talk to me?"

"Yeah."

"Why" was the only thing I could think to ask as I let out a slight laugh.

The kid looked embarrassed as he adverted his gaze.

"W-Well… it may sound stupid to you, but… you're Yaldabaoth. You were my idol growing up, and-"

"Yeah, ok, that sounds both stupid, and creepy" I laughed again as I stood up. "I am, like, the last person anyone should look up to, or idolize. But sure, kid. You wanna talk? Let's talk."

To his credit, Johnathan didn't let his embarrassment stop him, and the two of us took our seats on the twin mats.

"Don't know what you'd want to talk about though" I continued as I sat down on the black mat. "Anything related to that time of my life you can just see for yourself."

"Only your promotional tournament matches were recorded."

"Only time I was ever called the God of Control" I smirked. "Really, it's the only time worth talking about, unless you're really interested in how we practiced…"

"No, not really..."

"Didn't think so. But then, what does that leave?"

"I wasn't thinking about asking you about all that, or anything to do with the game at all. I just…"

"…"

"…"

"…Just what?"

"How do I put this… It's like, growing up, he was my idol. Watching his games, the way he controlled the entire match time and time again… I wanted to be the next God of Control, but I never… knew him, I realized."

"Well, no shit" I scoffed.

"And then I got to know Nathan, and Nathan… A smart guy, quick to get basic grasps on things, and when it came to the Holy Grail War, a dangerous opponent, even without being a magus and seemingly without a servant. A knack for scheming, an apparent love of history, and capable with technology to the point he not only uncovered the world of magecraft on his own, but also managed to make himself untouchable to the other magi in the war."

"To an extend" I amended.

"…To an extend" Johnathan let out a slight laugh, seemingly starting to get over his nervousness. "But the man was also… condescending. He was rude. He loved pissing people off, simply because it amused him. He was two-faced, and the sense that he was going to smile to your face and stab you in the back the moment you turned it to him always lingered. Worse still, he was evil. Even by magi standards, the man revealed himself to be evil. He did as he wished, and it didn't matter who or how many innocent people got caught up in the crossfire, for he would simply smile at it all without a sense of shame or remorse."

"…"

"…And I worked with him. At first because I didn't know who he really was, and thought he was just another innocent outsider."

"Admittedly, I actually was that at first."

"Then… a part of me thought he was cool; just like the God of Control, with all the plans and schemes. I thought I could learn from him, so I wished to keep working with him."

"Hey, I did teach you two plenty."

"He revealed who he really was one night. Threw the entire city in disarray with a plan which led to the deaths of hundreds of innocent people. And to him, it was fine. Better than fine, in fact. To him, the mass destruction and loss of life was beautiful."

"…"

"…I came to hate him, you know? I still do hate him. Nathan was a terrible person."

"…"

"…"

"…But then you realized that the person you idolized and the person you despised were one and the same, and you don't know how to feel about it all?"

"…"

"…"

"…Yeah…"

Neither of us were looking at the other. Instead, we focused on the stars in the night sky above.

"Well, at least now you know why they say to never meet your idol" I tried to break the silence with a joke.

"…"

"…"

"…Why?"

"Why what? Got to be a bit more specific there."

"Why… did you do it all? Riling up Saber and Lancer, taking out the powerlines… Spinning all these webs of lies and telling a thousand or so different stories. Just… why?"

"…A good question" I admitted. "But it's one I don't think I really can explain to you. At least, not in a way you could understand."

"I'm not stupid."

"Not saying you are, in this case" I sighed. "It's not about being stupid. It's about… I want to say it's about being capable to understand, but I suppose that does make it sound like I'm saying you're too stupid, doesn't it?"

"…Uh, yeah. Kind of."

"I swear that's not the intent. It's just… how do I put it…?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…James Joseph Dresnok."

The three words seemed to echo in the silence of the night after I spoke them.

"…What" was Johnathan's reply, confusion evident in his voice.

"Not what" I laughed. "Who. James Joseph Dresnok."

"Ok… but who is he?"

"I want to say he was… the fourth of six American soldiers to defect to North Korea" I actually had to stop and think about that for a moment, but even then I couldn't fully recall. "Might have been the third, but I think it was fourth. Definitely wasn't the fifth though."

"American soldiers defected to North Korea?!"

"Why is that so surprising" I asked with a slight smirk.

"How is that not surprising?! It's… It's North Korea!"

"Ok, but that doesn't mean anything on its own. Sure, some of the defectors regretted it, but Dresnok sure didn't. Honestly, if you look at the entirety of his life, it actually might have been the single best decision he ever made."

"How could his life have been better in North Korea?!"

"I mean, he was abandoned by his parents and placed into a foster home at a fairly young age. Now, the foster home wasn't bad for him, at least according to most sources. Was probably the only real place of belonging he had growing up. Never graduated high school though; dropped out and joined the military day after he turned seventeen. Got married, and went off to do a tour in West Germany, only to come back two years later to find out his wife left him for another man. So, he reenlisted and got sent to the border between the two Koreas. While he might have had a few decent years of life in the foster home, on the whole, his life in America was rather shit and miserable. At least, in my opinion it was."

"…"

"Probably didn't help he really wasn't much for following orders. Constantly being told where he could go, and when he could go, really wasn't for him. So, he started forging signatures so he could sneak off base."

"Did he get caught?"

"Oh yeah" I laughed. "He was about to face a court marshalling for forging the signatures. That was likely the last push he needed, considering he didn't really have anything to go back to in America anyways. Why face punishment, a potential discharge, and get sent back to a country in which you have nothing, and likely won't ever be able to get anything to make living life worthwhile? He said so himself in an interview that he was just fed up with everything, so he took the chance despite his fear in an effort to carve out a new life for himself."

"…Ok, but… what was there for him in North Korea?"

"At first, probably not much besides the other defectors" I shrugged. "But over time, the guy got married. Twice, in fact. He learned Korean, and was working at the, or a, university in Pyongyang teaching English for… well, I'm sure you can guess the reasons. Also became a film start, and most people in North Koran apparently knew him more for his, well, I suppose you could say famous role as Arthur in one of their film series, though I can't recall which. So yeah, when you look at the shitshow that was his life back in America, and compare it to what it became in North Korea, yeah, I'd say he made the right call defecting."

"…"

"…"

"…That's… I mean-"

"It's unfathomable" I smiled up at the night sky. "And that's the point I'm getting at."

"Huh?"

"When you think about it, the idea that someone had a better life in North Korea than America is simply unfathomable. It's not because you're stupid or anything; just that it makes logical sense. Hell, I'd wager most people who live in countries allied with North Korea would have to admit that life in America would probably be better, if they had to be honest, that is. It's just not something most people who really get to live some kind of a free life can understand."

"…I think I understand it."

"No, you know it, because I've told you briefly what happened to him" I shook my head. "But that's not understanding it. Your shock and surprise at even the notion that anyone from America would defect to a country like North Korea proves the point: you can know people did it, but you can't wrap you head around any conceivable notion as to why someone would do it. Even now, you're still trying to find ways to argue and see how his life would have been better had he not defected. While I can hear his life story and say his defection makes sense, you still can't say it. Not honestly, at any rate, and we both know it."

"…"

"That's not a bad thing. It doesn't mean your stupid. It just means you haven't reached that point yet."

"What point?"

"There's… there's no such thing as rock bottom, kid. Life can always get worse. Think of any situation where the subject is still technically alive, and I bet I can think of a way to make the subject's life worse without killing him. Rock bottom simply doesn't exist."

"…"

"But just because rock bottom doesn't exist doesn't mean there isn't a breaking point. It's different for everyone; by no means am I comparing what I went through growing up to what someone like Dresnok experienced, but push people far enough, beat them down hard enough, and eventually they too will reach the point where the unfathomable becomes fathomable. A point where even the most insane notions like defecting to a country like North Korea become understandable, logical or sensible. In some cases, even all three."

"…"

"…"

"…And that's why you can't explain it to me? Because even if you told me why-"

"It would be beyond your capability to understand" I nodded.

"…I see."

"It's not a bad thing though. In fact, I'd argue it's actually good you can't understand it. If you could, it would mean you too are broken."

"I wouldn't call it a good thing, really."

"Eh, well, do keep in mind this is all coming from a guy who can't even tell if what he's thinking or feeling, and has thought and felt for years, is even genuine, or just a bunch of lies he's told himself" I grinned.

"Speaking of that… is there anything you are certain of? Anything at all?"

"Well, let's see… I'm certain that the world is undeniably beautiful. I'm certain that humanity is undeniably beautiful. I'm certain that the beauty of humanity lies in its creations and destructions, and not it's populace. I'm certain that man and monster are synonymous with one another. And I'm certain that everything is a game, with life being the greatest game that anyone will ever get to play."

"Sounds like you're just affirming Nathan's old viewpoints."

"Hmm, perhaps in a way I am. But while I believe the basis to all these points hold true, the framework in which I viewed them through is really where the falsehoods would lie, so it's the reasoning behind why I hold these views to be true that I need to figure out, not so much the views themselves. …If that makes any sense?"

"You know… let's just say it does" Johnathan sighed.

"Sounds good" I smirked. "But you know… I think that's actually a good starting point to establishing my truths. Call them The Five Underlying Truths of the World!"

"You do that" Johnathan sighed as he stood up. "I'm going to sleep."

"That sounds like a good idea" I nodded as he disappeared from view.

"Oh, and in case you didn't notice, I moved your laptop and stuff to my room. I'll put it back in the office so you know where to find it."

"What are you talking about" I sighed. "I told you I was leaving it all to you, didn't I?"

"Yes, but-"

"So let me establish my sixth truth" I turned to face Johnathan. "My time as Yaldabaoth was ended by one of God's chosen champions. You are Yaldabaoth now. Take control of your life, and do what it is you wish to do."

"…"

"For what it's worth, kid, I genuinely think you could do it. Make of that what you will."

"…Right."

With that final note, Johnathan retreated back inside the house. The silence of the night returned, and I turned my attention back to the stars above. I basked in the silence for a few minutes, making sure Johnathan was well and truly gone, before calling out into the night.

"You know, it's rude to eavesdrop."

I sat still and listened as the footsteps slowly approached from behind me.

"How did you know" Sortiara grumbled as she took Johnathan's old seat beside me, turning her attention towards the night sky just like I had.

"I've spent so many years of my life watching and listening to people from the shadows" I laughed slightly. "I know when I'm being listened in on, watched, and followed."

"Joy…"

"Oh, come now. The only reason you would have lingered after Johnathan left was because you have something to ask me as well. Something you don't want him hearing. Might as well just come out and say it."

"…"

"…What? Embarrassed?"

"No. Just hate the fact I have to turn to you for help" she grumbled.

"You need help from me? I'm shocked."

"If you don't have anything helpful to say, then can it!"

"Well, that all depends on what you want me to do" I shook my head.

"…"

"…"

"…Tell me how Lancer can defeat Saber."

That request actually threw me for a loop for a moment.

"…You want me to tell you how to beat Saber? Saber. Not anything to do with Assassin, but Saber?"

"I'm not worried about Assassin beating Lancer in a fight, but with things being as they are…"

"…Yeah, Saber holds every advantage, doesn't he" I couldn't help but grin slightly as I thought about it.

"Thanks to you" she muttered bitterly. "So, can you help me or not?"

"…"

"…"

"…That- …It depends…"

"Depends on what?"

"Well, I'm going to need some clarification on how Heroic Spirits work, but more importantly…"

"Get to the point already."

"Alright, answer me this" I turned to face Sortiara. "That night of the first plan we did to try and fight Rider, tell me… how did I live that night? According to Saber, by all accounts I should have died."

"…"

"You want my help, then I need to know everything I'm working with here" I sighed as she finally turned to face me. "What exactly is Lancer's third Noble Phantasm?"


A/N

Not as long between posts as last time, thankfully!

At least, I don't think so? Pandemic restrictions may be down, but time still remains a blur to me xD

Regardless, this should be the last real difficult post for me to get down, so the rest of the story should come out a my... let's call it "usual" pace (though I'm fairly certain I don't have anything of the sort lol).