Wishful-star: Not for a long while.
When he got home, he went straight to his room. He threw his backpack on the floor, balling his fists and scowling deeply, looking at the floor. It was always scary when he had a flashback in public by himself. There was a knock on his door and he wiped his eyes and nose before opening it to see Ace.
"Another flashback?" the 16 year old asked. Luffy looked down, answer enough. Ace frowned sadly and hugged Luffy very slowly. He still wasn't good at sudden physical touches. But he let Ace hug him just fine. "Where did it happen?" he asked before letting Luffy out of the hug so he could sign his answer.
Halfway home. It was barely anything, he signed angrily. He sighed, and wrapped his arms around himself, feeling hopeless and worthless. Sabo came up from behind, obviously hearing what had happened, and asked if Luffy was alright. He nodded, even though he only meant physically.
"You know you can always talk to us, right?" Sabo asked softly.
When will I get better? he signed, looking between the two of his brothers, looking for any good answer. Anything to assure him that his life wouldn't always be hindered by the trauma of five years ago. That he wouldn't always be broken, a shell of the happy person he could have been. Should have been.
The villains had fled the country and disappeared once they found out dad had known where they were. Dad was a pro hero. It made Luffy even more ashamed. Ace and Sabo wanted to be heroes, too. And here Luffy was, unable to speak or control his PTSD, even with medication.
Ace rubbed his head. "I don't know, Lu. You can't lose hope, though," he said in a strong but kind voice. "Someday you'll be better. You'll have moved past your demons." Luffy didn't feel too hopeful about that. I wish I was strong like you two and dad. "Well, since you don't use your quirk, you can't get strong in that way. But that doesn't mean you can't get physically strong." He put his arm out and flexed it with a grin.
I'm too fragile to lift weights and stuff like that.
Sabo put his hand on Luffy' shoulder, knowing to avoid his left side. He hated anybody touching that side of his body. He didn't hold hands with that hand, either. Touching where his burn scars are didn't hurt, he just didn't like it. Didn't like anybody feeling how damaged the skin was. "Just because you were weak and fragile when you were little doesn't mean you are now."
Luffy did want to be strong, but he'd never pictured himself being anything but skinny. Other than looking completely weak. "Maybe you could get hella strong, and people might think your scars are from battles!" Ace said enthusiastically.
The youngest's head shot up, eyes wide. You think that could work? "I don't see why not. There are plenty of heroes with scars and marks. What about me being mute? That shows weakness. There's no good excuse for that besides what did happen to me. They all moved into his room when Sabo gestured they go in. They sat on Luffy's bed while the youngest sat on the beanbag chair in the corner.
It was small, since it was bought for him when he was eight as a safe space. "I don't know about that part. Cause you aren't deaf… oh! I know! You could say your vocal chords were damaged, so you can't speak."
Sabo added that he did have neck scars. The rope one around his throat. Luffy felt something that he hadn't in a while. Hope. Maybe people could think he wasn't tortured by all of these ugly marks. He looked down at his arm, all of it exposed from a tank top. He clenched that fist and a determined look crossed his face. Then it fell again. There was one major problem with this plan, tricking other people into thinking he hadn't been tortured.
My behavior. And my PTSD shows there's something wrong with me. Something broken. Ace and Sabo didn't have an answer to that. Luffy knew that, right now, he was unable to change himself. It took everything to make it through the day without an anxiety attack or any other emotional weakness to come unexpectedly.
They said they didn't know about that part. He couldn't pose as shy since he was so skittish and sensitive to certain words and sounds. But, he did want to be strong. He wanted to be able to take care of himself. Even if he would freeze up, if he was strong, then he might have a chance. He wouldn't get kidnapped again.
I want to be strong. Will you help me? And Zoro and Sanji if they want? Luffy asked. Ace grinned and said they'd help and were sure dad would be all for getting a trainer of some sorts. Luffy was happy and nodded.
He signed that he should get going on his homework. Sabo and Ace were happy and left the room for him to work. Luffy was going to seventh grade after summer break. He had a lot of time to get stronger, but he didn't want to have to wait. He'd have to try and fix himself up a bit, even if he didn't know how to do that. What the next step other than medication and counseling would be.
After he was done with his homework, he messaged Zoro and Sanji, telling them about his conversation with his brothers. Zoro was, predictably, all for it. More than all for it, he was excited and Luffy was sure he was grinning while texting. Sanji said it sounded like a good idea, but was not nearly as enthusiastic as Zoro was about this.
That night, Luffy approached Roger after dinner. He stopped his paperwork when he tapped his shoulder. "What's up?" he asked, voice at a normal level, not loudly enthusiastic like he used to be. He used to laugh so loudly young Luffy thought it would shake the house. Now those were gone and low chuckles were his current laugh.
I want to be stronger physically. And Zoro and Sanji, too. Roger was surprised and raised his eyebrows, asking where this came from. Sabo and Ace, he replied simply. Roger nodded, not needing anymore specifics about it. He promised he'd get on it the next day.
"It'll be hard and take a lot of dedication to get strong physically. And you'll have to eat a lot more. We don't want you to lose weight." Luffy nodded, saying he could do the working out. But he was unsure about how much food he could stomach. He already didn't eat that much. Enough to keep him healthy, but nothing more than that.
"We'll gradually increase your food intake," Roger said. "It'll be uncomfortable at first, but once your body gets used to it, I'm sure you'll be just fine. I'm proud that you want to try this, something very new and unfamiliar." Luffy looked down and nodded. He wondered if he was always a disappointment.
Roger liked strong people. Mom was strong with her quirk. Ace and Sabo were top students at their school. Then there was Luffy. Practically quirkless by choice, and unable to speak. He swallowed and turned to leave before his hand was taken. "What's wrong?"
Luffy looked away, but asked, Am I a disappointment to you? Mom and Ace and Sabo are all strong, then there's me. He didn't make eye contact, not knowing what the response would be. Instead of words, the father stood up and hugged Luffy. "You've never been a disappointment. I've seen a lot of things. Grown men go through what you did and never recovered nearly as much as you have."
I'm still broken.
"That may be true, but it doesn't always have to be that way," Roger said kindly. Luffy held in an apology for being weak. "I don't want you to try to be strong for anybody but yourself, okay?" Luffy nodded, and then turned to go up to his room, shutting the door. He sunk down to his knees, wrapping his arms around himself. Silent tears tracked down his face. He wanted to be strong for himself and his family. He didn't want them to think he was weak. He knew he was right now, but hopefully that would change. At least physically.
Maybe if he ever used his quirk, he'd be more confident. Then he scowled. Why would he want that quirk if its most basic use failed him? It's all its fault that he was unable to get away. He was broken even before he was tortured. The moment he was snatched up, it was inevitable that he was doomed.
It was only 8:30, but he went to bed regardless, turning on the fan and bundling under the covers in his sleep clothes. Amazingly, he fell asleep. Well, having flashbacks always made him more tired. Maybe that's why he slept even if he was feeling useless still.
-x-
Two days later, Luffy was dying after a two hour workout. Zoro seemed fine, while Sanji was a bit winded. Luffy was having trouble breathing he was so tired. He tried to hide it, but he was unable to hide his expression. "Don't feel bad. Zoro's an exercise junkie regardless of this," Sanji said after getting a long drink of water.
All three of them were sweaty, but Luffy was the only one still wearing his shirt. He wouldn't take it off. Already showing his arm, leg, neck and face was enough exposure to his burns. He didn't need to show the scarred mess that was his abdomen. You're not dying. Sanji said he was also more fit than Luffy.
"But isn't that the point of this? To get stronger? This will just show your progress more, being behind in the beginning." Luffy nodded and stood up, his breath caught. Rouge brought out food for them, and the three devoured it. Luffy ate a little more than usual, but not by much. "You'll have to start eating more if you want to get stronger," Sanji said after a mouthful of the food.
I know. It'll be hard.
"Well, it's worth it. Besides, your mom makes great food. That's reason enough to eat more," Zoro said, stuffing another rice ball in his mouth while Luffy ate the curry. It was like a full course meal at 4:15. Luffy really couldn't stomach too much, and wanted to leave room for dinner. After the food was finished off by mostly Zoro and Sanji, the two left the dojo near Luffy's house. Rouge was using its kitchen for the food, and drove Luffy back home.
They didn't talk, mainly because Luffy couldn't reply. His mom wouldn't be able to read his sign language while driving. So the ride was silent besides some light music playing. He couldn't really hear it over the wind coming from the open window. It dried the sweat on his face and messed up his already wild hair.
Exercising would be difficult, but he had to be determined. He was determined. He didn't want to be useless anymore. At least, less than he was now. He didn't want his family to worry. He knew they'd be happier if he used his quirk, would feel more reassured about his safety, but he hated it and wouldn't use it.
It had been over five years since the last time he used it. Luffy also knew that his family still hadn't fully recovered from the incident, even if it was different from the way it still haunted Luffy. But he couldn't bring himself to be fixed up enough to not make them upset, even if they were experts at hiding how they felt about the incident and its aftermath.
When they got home, Luffy took a long shower. He had his own bathroom near his bedroom. After he was brought back home, his room was switched with Ace's so he didn't need to risk anyone seeing him without a shirt on. The mirror was still taped up. The only part that wasn't covered was a spot just at the right height to see his face. The rest of his body was hidden, unable to see his reflection.
Of his whole left side.
-x-
Luffy slammed his door shut and locked it, flopping onto the bed and silently sobbing out of humiliation. It was the first day of sparring with the trainer and Zoro and Sanji. They'd been exercising for a month already, and Luffy had gained a little more weight, but not much because he got sick if he ate too much, no matter if he did it every day for every meal. It wasn't that he didn't want to eat, his body just rejected it. Since he ate enough to function fine, they never really thought it was a problem. He just had a small appetite.
His phone buzzed with a message from Zoro. He moved it on its face and didn't look at the message. Probably trying to make him feel better, as if he hadn't had a panic attack and flashback when he got punched in the arm. He hadn't been hit in five years since the brutal beating.
In hindsight, he should have expected it. All of them should have. Could he ever get used to sparring? Or would it always turn into him freaking out like a baby? He closed his eyes, trying to calm himself down. There was another message, then another. He ignored them, didn't even look to see who it was.
Eventually, he fell asleep, since he ran the whole way home after a flashback, making him completely exhausted. He woke up to a knock on his door, not much later after he fell asleep. He couldn't tell anyone to go away, so he had to open the door. People were worried about him probably. How he ran inside and slammed the door shut and then to his room.
He opened it to see Roger, smiling at him. It hurt, and hurt even more when he asked how the first day of training went. He seemed so happy. Bad. He lost his smile and asked what had happened. Zoro punched me and I had a flashback. I ran home. Luffy didn't make eye contact, so embarrassed and ashamed of another weakness.
"Then don't ever get hit," Roger said with a smile. Luffy furrowed his brows. "It won't be a problem if you never allow anybody to touch you," he explained, a true smile on. "It's not the end of it, Luffy. Work around it. Who knows? Maybe once you're the one hitting, you'll end up getting used to it. I'm not telling you to use your quirk to help if you don't want to. But you can definitely learn to dodge. And you're small already," he said and clapped his shoulder, though it was lightly and slightly slow so Luffy could move away if he wanted.
Luffy hated being touched by strangers anyways. He moved away from them, jerked his arms away if anyone got too close. Could he do this? It seemed foolish to not learn how to take hits, but if each one triggered an episode, then that was pointless, too. He might be able to do this. Without his quirk. If he was even still able to use it. He nodded, saying he'd try that. Roger said he should message his friends, as they must be worried about him if he ran away. Luffy nodded, and went to his phone. Before he picked it up, Roger said from the doorway, "I'm not disappointed in you, and never will be. Okay?"
Luffy nodded his head, but didn't turn around, wiping his eyes. The father left the room, but left the door open. He could smell food being made, so dinner was soon. He unlocked his phone and saw a bunch of texts from Zoro and Sanji. They were really worried, if he made it home okay, if he still wanted to do this.
I'm sorry I didn't answer. I needed some time alone. I'm sorry I worried you. I want to continue the training, but not get hit. I know it'll be hard and maybe impossible, but I have to try.
Sanji responded first. We know that you don't like having the flashbacks in front of us. But we know how to deal with it, you know? Luffy knew they did, but he still didn't like anybody seeing them. Only his brothers and mom made him comfortable to be around them when he had a problem.
Damn straight, was Zoro's reply. Luffy apologized for shutting them out sometimes. That he couldn't help it when he wanted to self-isolate or else got overwhelmed. Sanji said they understood, but still wanted him to know they didn't judge him for his issues. Luffy sent another thank you.
They talked for a bit more. Apparently the two of them had left the lesson after Luffy ran home. He was glad Roger was paying for it and both of them weren't losing money even while not participating.
The next day was another lesson, since their first one was cut short so early. The first punch at Luffy ended the session. But he was glad the man was open to teaching them how to fight. Roger knew the trainer, Inazuma, personally, but still paid him. Luffy hadn't known his reaction to what happened the day before since he had left so soon.
The three were wearing workout clothes and boxing gloves. Luffy warned the man that he might have another episode, but would do his best to get back into it and continue. "That's fine. I've had cases like you before, don't feel too bad."
Luffy looked surprised. "I've taught many women who had suffered from domestic abuse. Purposely getting hit is hard for many who have been in traumatizing experiences," he explained. There was simplicity to his words. Just stating a fact. And he didn't ask what had happened to Luffy, even though he could see both arms and legs with the shorts and tank top.
Zoro put his hand on Luffy's shoulder and grabbed it, smiling at him. Luffy nodded, feeling light and hopeful. When he was to spar with Inazuma after an hour of learning moves and basic form, the trainer and him sparred.
He clearly went slower for Luffy, who managed to dart away from each punch. It was automatic. He didn't want to be touched, and his body reacted perfectly to that wish. He dodged, ducked, jumped back. Zoro and Sanji weren't good at that one. Luffy was more practiced in it for the past five years than they were.
But Zoro was the best at punching, as he had beat people up before, older people than him. He didn't live in a very nice part of town, so he got in a lot of fights. And he won all of them. Sanji was best at kicking. So they each had a talent there. Luffy was dodging, Zoro was punching and body slamming and Sanji was best at kicks.
Luffy knew his was the least ideal of the three regarding fighting, but it would just have to be that way for now. Until he healed perfectly. If and when that happened. The three were very sweaty by the end of the training, and tired. Luffy hadn't learned any hits or kicks as he was focusing on the dodging first and foremost. As long as he wasn't touched, he'd be fine.
Rouge picked him up and the two went to get ice cream afterwards. Luffy felt like a little kid, but it was fine. The ice cream was delicious. Rouge asked how the session went. She sounded hesitant. I'm good at dodging. I didn't get hit at all. "That's great! I guess years of avoiding most peoples' touches has come in handy." She sounded so happy, and Luffy nodded in agreement.
They also stopped at the pharmacy for Luffy's pills for his PTSD and depression. The meds worked in keeping him from self harming, but he was still miserable a lot. Cried alone a lot. It was more reactions to how he was now than the actual torture, even if that was what the flashbacks were about.
When they got home, Sabo and Ace were working on homework angrily. Luffy asked them if they were okay. Sabo replied, "Ace's suit got damaged while sparring today. He's grumpy now." Oh. Well, it'll get fixed, right?
"Yeah, but it's still annoying. It got ripped, even though the blade went straight through my fire. I won, but my suit was the one damaged," he explained in an angry voice. Luffy nodded, and apologized for him and hoped his suit got fixed soon. Ace ruffled his hair and asked how his sparring went that day.
The two brothers knew about the disaster that was the day before, so both of them had slight nervous looks about the question, bracing for bad news and to comfort their little brother. It went better than yesterday. I dodged really well. So that was nice.
"That's great! I'm glad it worked out. Something good came of your problems. Staying away from others sounds lonely, but safer since you don't use your quirk to do it." Sabo sent a warning look at Ace, who apologized for bringing it up. Luffy signed that he wasn't upset about the question.
They had dinner not much later, and Luffy signed to Roger about the day between bites. Talking while eating was impossible for Luffy, but his family and friends were patient. They were angels to him. He knew that seeing him how he was in the hospital was hard for them, and still was sometimes.
But they were good about not reacting to the evidence on his body. He never saw them making disgusted or devastated looks like they had before. Disgusted that something like this had happened, not with Luffy himself. He knew that after they explained they weren't grossed out by his scars and injuries, which had lifted a huge weight off of his chest.
