About time! The first actual fight scripted in the game! This should be a piece of cake! I thought to myself, as the Captain and her two cohorts flanking her sides charged forward. I was a bit nervous though, I didn't really know how to stand and kept fidgeting as they approached. My only prior experience of a straight-on fight was a bully in middle school who took my Pokémon cards. It didn't precisely go-

[RALOF used BATTLE CRY]

The room seemed to shake almost as hard as the dragon flying overhead. I literally jumped and almost dropped my sword. The Captain and her men skidded to a stop. The Captain looked unamused, but her cohorts were filled with fear. Just looking at Ralof, I understood why. His eyes screamed that he was ready to paint the room red.

"Form up, soldiers!" the Captain called out. She didn't seem bothered, perhaps she had seen plenty of Nords do this on the battlefield and knew it was just an attempt to force them to break formation and lose their numbers advantage.

Ralof charged forwards at the Soldier to his left, lashing with both axes savagely. Before he could attempt to bring his sword back up to parry, the Soldier had a significant dent in the side of his helm and an axe embedded in his chest. The Captain followed up with a strike, attempting to catch Ralof off guard, which it almost did, forcing him to leave the axe with the Soldier collapsing to the floor.

The Captain swung again, downwards. Ralof dodged to the side and returned with a swing of his own, blocked by the Captain's much stronger armor. She grunted from the blow and swung horizontally in response. Ralof wasn't able to jump entirely out of the way, gaining a cut in the padding of his armor. Luckily it had chainmail underneath. Ralof grunted and -" OH FUCK," I exclaimed as I barely got my blade up in time to parry a swing at my face from the other Imperial Soldier.

Fucker caught me very off guard, and I was tripping over myself. Backpedaling, I parried a strike from the right and got knocked on my ass trying to do the same to a vertical power attack, and hit my head on the floor. Dazed, I realized the Soldier was going for a stab down and tried to roll out of the way. I didn't move fast enough, and although the chainmail under the Stomcloack Cuirass didn't let his sword make me a skewer, it still penetrated a bit. It also definitely didn't stop it from hurting like a bitch. I dropped my sword, clutched my stomach, and cried out in pain.

The Soldier, panting, reeled back after the stab, gritted his yellow teeth, and prepared to finish me off. The clashing of metal between Ralof and the Captain rang in my ears. My vision was starting to fade. I remembered about spells and raised my left hand covered in my own blood slowly to cast something, anything at him. He stepped back, shielding himself with his arm, but nothing came out of my hand. After a few seconds of me grunting with my palm facing towards him, he realized nothing was happening, chuckled, and sliced down just over my hand and through my neck. My eyes slammed shut.


I opened my eyes to nothing but darkness.

Still dazed, I looked around. There was a bit of light, but it was still very dark. I was lying on a cold, perfectly flat surface, and I could see a layer of fog upon it.

Damn it, I thought to myself. Still not my bed.

Realizing I had just been turning my head, I quickly rushed my hand to my neck to check for a cut. My head was still connected to my body! I sat up and looked down at my body and saw no blood. I had back on my burlap shirt, pants, and footwraps. I was undoubtedly in less pain as well, if not a little sore.

I shook my head to try to clear my daze a bit, then closed my eyes to stretch and yawned. I opened my eyes and looked straight ahead and locked eyes with Alduin. I sat for a second, and then-

"OH SHIT," I exclaimed after realizing who I had just locked eyes with and flailing backward back onto the floor. I sat back up and looked again, and saw he was sitting on what seemed to be the top of a Word Wall. His mouth was wide open, and he wasn't moving a muscle. What the fuck?

I struggled to stand up, still a bit sore, and walked over to the Word Wall. Nither Alduin's head nor eyes followed me, it was like he was frozen. The fog also seemed to make a wall behind the Word Wall, and looking around, I noticed it completely surrounded me, the Word Wall, and the area I was laying. "Where am-" my eyes went wide.

"Oh God, a loading screen," I murmured. "Please don't be an Xbox 360 load screen."

"Enjoying yourself in this world?" a voice echoed, scaring the shit out of me. I looked at Alduin, expecting to die again. Still, frozen? Then who..?

"Don't bother looking, you won't find me here mortal," the voice repeated. "Oh, I am so happy for you, though! You survived much longer than I was expecting. Of course, not as long as you were, am I right?"

"Oh, fuck off!" I called out, still looking around frantically. "What the fuck is this shit anyway? Who are you? Why have you sent me here?"

A loud yawn bellowed and shook the ground. "Oh, pardon me. Were you saying something? I do apologize, it's just that I find myself suddenly and irrevocably bored! Boring little mortal, I simply don't have time to play 20 questions with you. As long as this Loading Screen is, it doesn't last that long."

"Sending me back to my bed would save us plenty of time, you know," I retorted.

"Oh, now you don't want to be here anymore? Interesting. It's like as if all of your fantasies of being in this world were grandiose...and definitely overambitious. I got such a chuckle seeing you trying to open menus and use spells without taking the time to learn to cast them. It was almost like as if you think this is some kind of video game."

I narrowed my eyes at the fog, "That's because Skyrim is a game you fucking-"

"And yet, ever since your first time playing, you were so bored of your own humdrum day-to-day mediocre life that you wished and dreamed you could be here instead...where you had at least some power. You see, I took pity on you and here's the result! You should be thanking me!"

Enraged, at this lapse in reason and scared to die again, I yelled," Well now I know it's not that much better here, don't I? Lesson learned. Heart-wrenching stuff, really. Now, if you don't mind, I've got to go back to the real world because my bed, video games, and even my classes are much more cash money than this. Send. Me. Back!"

"No, I don't think I will."

"What?!"

"No, I don't think I will."

"Why the fuck not?!"

"Because you're being a brat. I gave you what you wanted, and now you're throwing a tantrum."

"This is definitely not what I wanted! I wanted to blast some fuckers with spells! I wanted to cleave Draugr with a giant sword! I didn't want to get stuck here forever and get my cheeks clapped in the first scripted fight!"

A sigh shook the room. "Then earn the power and your freedom, mortal."

Exacerbated, I again narrowed my eyes at the fog, "How in the Walt Disney fuck do you expect me to earn it if I can't escape Helgen."

A louder sigh shook the room harder. "You are one needy mortal, aren't you? By the sound of it, we'll be here for eternity at this rate. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."

"Maybe you should have given me some spells then, you brilliant omniscient being you," I sneered at the darkness.

"HA. You know what mortal, that might actually be fun! You could accidentally melt your face off, or electrocute someone you care about!"

The ground shook again, and I felt immense energy flow through my body. It stopped, and I fell to my knees, panting.

[New Spell Learned: Flames]

[New Spell Learned: Healing]

"My last gifts to you mortal, that Novice spell you keep trying to use, one so that I might not have to see you as often, and you know what..."

The room shook again...or was it me? I saw stars in front of me in the constellation of a Lord. They flashed, and a beam of light pierced upwards, and I instantly felt more robust, and more confident.

"Let's have you born under the Lord sign as well, that should help keep you from coming here and complaining too much. Then again, all mortals do is complain anyway," the voice bellowed laughter.

"So what do I have to do for you to send me back? Beat the game?" I joked.

"What an excellent suggestion! Get to it, mortal!"

"No, wait!" I screamed as the world faded to black.

Suddenly, I was back in Helgen Keep. I fell to my knees as the transition was definitely not as smooth as in the game.

"You okay?" Ralof asked, looking at me sideways from Gunjar's body.

[STARTED: BEAT THE GAME]

[Complete all Main Quests]

I looked in horror. In no playthrough had I ever actually completed all of the main quests, just some for each character.

"No, Ralof. No, I am not."