Torchwood: Divergence
Book One: Dychwelyd
Chapter 13
When Ianto showed no signs of waking by 8:30 pm and Gwen told the team to go home for the night, Jack began to worry. Martha helpfully ran a remote diagnostic on the unconscious Welshman, but found nothing physically wrong.
"His heart rate is normal, he's breathing fine, his blood pressure's low if anything, he can move all his limbs, and withdraws from painful stimuli so it's not neurological," the young physician reassured. "The only thing that flagged at all is that he's running a bit of a fever. All of that tells me that this is likely more psychological than physical. He has nearly two full years of what basically amounts to torture and unknown training to come to terms with... that's going to take time. He'll wake up when his mind and body are ready to deal with all that baggage. So just stay with him, let him know you're here for him, and try to be patient."
"You're the doctor," Harkness sighed, then smiled. "Well, not the Doctor, but certified at least."
"I'm licensed," Martha corrected with a laugh. "Though sometimes I think I should be certified and locked up. Really, Jack, I'm sure he'll be fine."
"Thanks for checking on him," the Captain nodded. "We'll see you in the morning."
Martha bundled up her equipment and headed out through the office, passing Gwen as she came to say goodnight.
"No change?" Cooper asked quietly, moving to stand beside where Jack sat on the edge of the mattress holding his lover's hand.
"Martha says he's fine and he'll wake up when he's come to terms with all the memories the Scieron returned to him," the supposed American explained, looking up to meet his friend's gaze. "Two years in Hell... literally. That's gotta be hard to face at the best of times, and he was already dealing with the physical shock of how they brought him back to this world. Look how long it took me to get over being sent to a personal version of hell by those Lucifer matches, and that was mostly one giant mind-game. What Ianto went through was so much worse."
"If they'd told you that the price for his sanity and this new life was the blood of the Torchwood team, would you have given in?" Gwen asked bluntly. "If they'd asked for our planet's children like the 456, or to drain the oceans, or steal our sun, would you have agreed to the trade?"
The Captain stared back at her with a completely neutral expression, his blue eyes shuttered, cold and steely.
"Answer me, Jack," the former PC hissed angrily.
"Yes," Harkness stated at last. "He died because I refused to bargain with an alien I underestimated. I wasn't about to make the same mistake twice, no matter how selfish the choice was. From what they explained of how their race functions, I doubted they'd be after the entire planet or even parts of it. But to keep Ianto alive and make him whole again, I would've let them have it even if they named the Rift and this entire solar system as their price."
There was an uncomfortable silence between the two for several minutes, then Gwen calmly reached out to slap the undying brunette hard across the face.
"Ianto faced the 456 with you to save the children of Earth," she snapped, green eyes flashing. "He died trying to stop the deal the government was making, to give you the chance to defeat the aliens threatening us and make amends for what happened their first visit. He died for you, Jack. And if you think he'd want to go through eternity knowing you traded his world or its people for him, then you don't really know him at all."
Then she turned and headed for the door, pausing only briefly to look back.
"Those Shadows said they brought Ianto back to help you start to care and feel again," Cooper stated flatly. "I don't think that can happen soon enough. Right now, you're still acting like the cold, selfish bastard that abandoned this planet over a year ago. Torchwood needs Captain Jack Harkness, and so does that poor, love-sick boy beside you in that bed. We need the man I watched let the one he says he loves put a knife through his heart to prove his trust and commitment. Because the man who callously told the aliens to name their price isn't anyone I recognise or want to follow."
She started to leave; however, the target of her barbed words wasn't going to simply accept the down-dressing in silence.
"Gwen," Jack called evenly, waiting for the woman to look back at him from the dimness of the unlit office. "I'm sorry if I disappointed you this afternoon, didn't live up to the heroic ideal you've always insisted on holding me to. But before you go home condemning me for gambling with the fate of the Earth, I want you to remember how many people actually lost their lives when you helped Owen open the Rift so you could have Rhys back. Think of how close the anomaly came to tearing apart the whole world when Abaddon emerged. That I paid the price then to defeat him and put the damage right again. And it was my grandson who died to help spare your daughter and the Earth's other children a future visit by the 456.
"I was trying to help protect this backwater, self-absorbed, self-destructive planet when Victoria was on the throne and Torchwood had barely opened for business. I've given my life thousands of times to safeguard mankind, but been helpless to save more friends and lovers than the whole population of Cardiff when they were taken away by violence, accident, illness, or old age. So, if I want to play with high stakes to keep the one person I've found that I truly need to make the rest of eternity bearable and give meaning to the sacrifices of the past, I think I've more than earned the right."
Cooper simply stared at him wide-eyed, obviously at a loss for words.
"Give Rhys and Ebrill our love when you get home," Harkness offered, calmly standing his ground to discourage her from continuing the game of pot-calling-kettle. "We'll see you in the morning."
Then he turned his attention back to Ianto, and tried to ignore how much the woman's earlier accusations had stung him. Several minutes dragged by, then he heard the scuff of a footstep at the threshold, felt Gwen's hand hesitantly touch his shoulder a moment later.
"You're right," she murmured shakily. "I was willing to let the Rift destroy the Earth if it meant having Rhys back. Ianto nearly died trying to help you save me in the Black House's crypts, and I repaid your efforts by letting the end of the world loose because I couldn't shoot a talking shell of rotting flesh. You've seen so much more suffering than I ever will, know there'll never be an end to it for you. And I can't imagine enduring what Ianto did just to be beside you again. But I'm afraid that if he's the only thing in the Universe that you truly care about, the rest of us won't matter to you anymore and you'll leave the Earth behind."
Jack reached up to put one hand over hers where it trembled against his shoulder, met her tear blotched misery with a half-smile.
"I think it's safe to say that Ianto and I'll be looking after Torchwood and this planet till long after you and Rhys have lost the battle with epic old age and quietly turned to dust," he reassured. "This is his home, Gwen. The Hub, Cardiff, Wales, the Earth. And as long as he wants to stay here protecting it, I'll be right beside him."
The Captain gave the Welshwoman's hand a comforting pat, then nodded toward the doorway.
"So go home," he urged gently. "I'm sure Rhys is keeping tea warm for you. Go enjoy what's left of your evening... read your daughter a bedtime story, snuggle up on the couch with your husband, and forget about this place for a few hours. Be normal. That's half the reason I took Ianto's suggestion about the early quitting times this round."
Cooper nodded, leaning over to lightly bump her forehead against his and briefly squeeze his shoulder before moving away toward the office once more.
"I'll bring something nice for breakfast tomorrow," she promised, taking a deep breath and letting it out in a whoosh as she straightened up. "Call me if he has any problems or something happens, yeah?"
"If I'm in over my head, you'll be the first to know," Jack agreed. "Goodnight, Gwen."
The raven-haired woman waved and disappeared through the office, leaving the two Hub residents alone for the evening. Jack waited until he heard the big rotating door boom shut, then rose to undress. He closed the bedroom door, dimmed the lights and crawled beneath the covers next to Ianto, both of them only in their briefs so he could feel the warmth of skin on skin after the trials of the day. The ageless brunette snuggled in beside his partner, tucked one arm under the pillow and wrapped the other around the younger man's waist. Jones sighed in his sleep, turning instinctively to huddle against the former Time Agent's chest like a child after a bad dream. Harkness kissed him on the forehead and held him close, simply enjoying the soft sounds of the young Welshman's breathing and the knowledge that if the Scieron were telling the truth, he'd never have to fear losing him again. After so many decades of loss and loneliness, this was paradise... someone he loved, who loved him back and could survive the ages with him.
"I never dreamed it would be you," Harkness murmured, closing his eyes and relaxing completely. "Quiet, shy, cautious, Ianto, with a serious girlfriend under your belt and always calling me 'sir'. Blushing like a schoolboy whenever I flirted with you for the first six months you were here, so shocked whenever I'd talk about my past affaires on every side of the fence. Wounded and wary, putting on a cheerful front for the world to see, but so lonely and lost inside. When did things go from a game of words to teasing and touching? At what point did it stop being simple erotic adventures around the Hub and turn to honest love?"
His partner stirred in his embrace, shifting to rest his cheek against the older man's upper chest.
"Do you really want to know?" Ianto whispered uncertainly, smiling hesitantly when Jack's arm tightened around him in surprise.
"Wow," Harkness laughed, giving the younger man a small, playful shake. "You actually caught me monologuing... I'm so embarrassed. If I was smart, I would've just dug your diary out of my duffle bag and looked it all up."
"You kept my diary?" the Archivist queried, not sure if he should be glad or worried.
"It was at your flat when I went to box everything up after the 456 were destroyed," Jack admitted. "It was the closest thing I could have to you, so I put it in my bag when I took the rest of your stuff to storage. I've been carrying it all these months, even caught myself talking to it a few times... but I could never bring myself to open it. Like if I did, your ghost would escape and it would just be an ordinary book. I know ghosts don't really exist, but that thought always stopped me anyhow."
They were both quiet in the wake of that confession, then Jack started rubbing his companion on the back.
"So ..." he drawled leadingly. "You kept track of all the milestones in our relationship, huh?"
"I truly did love Lisa," Ianto murmured after a few minutes. "And a little piece of my heart will always be hers. But I was attracted to you from the moment we met, when I stepped in on your Weevil hunt, and it wasn't just because of your Fifty First Century pheromones. I felt guilty about the way you made me feel, like I was betraying Lisa, and I honestly was trying to find a way to reverse what the Cybermen had done to her. I also felt guilty for lying to you all those months, which is half of why it made me blush when you'd flirt with me. The other half was that I liked it when you did, which confused me for the longest time. And the stories of your past conquests didn't shock me as much as they made me jealous, which did my head in until a while after Lisa was gone and I understood why I stayed with Torchwood even when things had gone to hell with her. You threatened to blow my head off when the truth finally came out, but you also saved my life and left the door open for me to remain part of the team instead of just Retconning me and sending me away. You saved me from my grief, kept me from bleeding out when it and my PTSD drove me to using that utility knife on my wrist because I was desperate to escape the nightmares and determined not to go out on my knees as a traitor or have my memories stripped away."
The twenty-six-year-old paused, a brief shiver running through his body.
"The innuendo and suggestive looks disappeared for a time after that, but slowly started again in the wake of the team's attitude over the Faeries and their Chosen One," Ianto continued quietly, his partner helpfully pulling the blankets closer around them both. "Then they escalated after the field trip everyone took to the Brecon Beacons... nothing like surviving a village of sociopathic cannibals to get the juices flowing again. We all came back to the Hub, then Tosh headed straight home for an 'epic bath', Owen and Gwen left shortly after, but I kept finding reasons to stay here. I had a serious concussion, broken ribs, masses of what Owen said were 'skin to bone' bruises, and had come way too close to having my throat slit for any kind of comfort. I didn't want to be alone, but I was afraid to admit it.
"You joked with me about being on the menu and wondering how I'd taste covered in brown sauce or hot fudge. When I finally told you I didn't want to go home to an empty flat because those villagers had scared the shit out of me, you were honestly concerned and volunteered to come spend the night on the couch. You drove me home, made me tea and toast while I showered, talked to me about my extremely varied taste in music. When I was too tired to stay awake anymore, you gave me painkillers and made sure I got into bed, kissed me on the forehead then on the palm of my left hand, and jokingly told me that the only person I'd ever have to worry about trying to nibble on me was you. You stayed at mine till morning, spent the night in my bed atop the covers, so you could wake me when the nightmares came and hold me close till I could sleep again. When we got up, I made us spinach and tomato omelettes and coffee for breakfast because the thought of bacon turned my stomach. You rubbed my shoulders while I did the washing up, got me more painkillers, then let me come back to the Hub with you just to relax on the couch in your office so I didn't have to be alone. After that you found reasons to touch my hand, my face, my hair, and your eyes didn't just flirt anymore they promised. I started looking forward to the times we were alone at the base, and you never failed to make it worth my while. The touch for touch 'dabbling' we started could make the worst day bearable, and the way you made me feel got me wondering if I'd only slept with Lisa once because it was more romantic to wait until we married, or because my mother had been right about my inclinations all along. But the more I thought about it, I knew it wasn't that I preferred men or wanted 'the best of both worlds' as Gwen once said. It was just you... only you."
The Welshman was silent again as he carefully slipped an arm around Jack's waist, waited to see if the older brunette had any comments.
"I could barely make myself get up in the morning the three days you stayed dead after banishing Abaddon," Jones confessed at last. "I wanted so badly to sit with you, hold your hand and beg you to come back, but Gwen wouldn't allow any of us into the Morgue... sat with you like a grieving widow and screamed at us to leave you alone if we came in, ordered me to tell Rhys she was on a case and would be home when she could. When you finally woke, I was afraid to face you because I'd betrayed you again... broken your trust because a vision of Lisa told me millions of people would die if we didn't open the damn Rift. And having second thoughts when Owen shot you didn't mean much over all. But you took me back with open arms and a smile, kissed me in front of the rest of the team. I felt so incredibly alive for the first time since Canary Wharf. It was a thousand times better even than falling in love with Lisa had been. Then you disappeared, chasing after your Doctor with a huge grin, never looking back, and my world came crashing down again. I worked twenty hour shifts and slept on a cot in the back room of the kiosk upstairs for weeks until Owen caught me and threatened to put me on medical leave. I checked your room every day; just in case you'd come back over night, and every time I found it empty and untouched another piece of my heart seemed to die. You were gone for almost four months and I was just existing day to day, going through the motions, doing my best for the team but praying you'd come back... wondering how long I could keep limping along before I was dead inside and decided to hunt up that utility knife again.
"Owen had accused me of being nothing but a scared, crap-talking teaboy, dreaming of being your 'part-time shag' when I tried to stop him from opening the Rift the first time, but I knew in my heart that it was more than that. We'd never actually gotten to the point of full-on sex at that point in our 'dabbling', though we'd come close several times and you'd taught me the finer points of blow-jobs after Suzie was slotted away the second time... good old stopwatch. The first time we had sex wasn't until after you and Tosh had made it back from 1941. You seemed so sad over meeting the original Captain Jack Harkness and I didn't know till much later that you'd likely been falling in love with him and only shagged me because you couldn't have him. Still, I couldn't bear to see you so miserable when you first got back from the past, so I stayed late hoping to cheer you up. I found a channel on the radio playing Big Band music, and you asked me to dance. So, we held each other and swayed to 'Moonlight Serenade' in the half-dark of the office, then you kissed me and what started with me seriously kissing you back ended with my avoiding sitting for several hours and you apologising for assuming I was experienced. I just ordered you a new office chair, requisitioned a second replacement for the stopwatch, and told you I was available to take lessons. But we didn't get the chance to exchange more than wishful glances with all the Rift activity that started. And I spent every night you were gone wishing we had. Because even though I was well aware that it was probably just a passing game for you... I'd fallen in love in spite of promising myself I never would again after Lisa."
The young Archivist pressed closer to his partner, a slight trembling in all his muscles telling the older man he was afraid of saying too much but committed to baring his heart and soul.
"When you finally came back to us, I was angry that you'd left without even a goodbye or hint that you'd ever return," Ianto whispered, his voice strained. "But mostly I was scared you didn't want me anymore, especially since you said you'd finally found the Doctor after waiting so long for him. Hearing your little exchange with Gwen down by the Vaults didn't exactly give me much encouragement either. When you asked me out on a date in the middle of the mission for your reprobate of a former Time Agency partner, I was torn between saying 'forget the sodding canister, let's go now', and 'go to hell, I won't be your consolation prize because Gwen's engaged'. That's why when you offered to share a room with me at the Saint David when we were avoiding ourselves because of the time-shift Hart's bomb caused; I hesitated before I said yes. It's also why I was reluctant to pick up my 'lessons' and would only agree to a bit of touching. Even at that, when we left for the Hub later you had the happiest smile I'd ever seen, and the spare key to my flat in Radyr three weeks later.
"I started keeping at least two changes of clothes in the Archives, not just for messy missions but so I could stay nights at the Hub too. Even if the closest thing to intimate contact all evening was you rubbing the back of my neck or a simple kiss on the forehead, I was just happy being there with you. I didn't want you to be lonely anymore, especially after we lost Owen and Tosh, and you had to put your brother into permanent cryo. You honestly seemed more relaxed whenever we were together, here and the times you came home to mine before I moved to Grangetown when half of my old complex burnt to the ground. Even more so later, when I renovated that little semi-detached in Cathays, even though you started out complaining it was creepy and must have belonged to the Addams Family. But I was always realistic enough to know what I felt was almost certainly one sided, no matter how strong it was. Kept telling myself that, when you started pushing me away after the Mariana Trench dive. Still... I loved you more than anyone or anything in my entire life, so I was determined to stick it out, hoping you might change your mind about moving on, prove you meant it when you said I'd never be just a blip in time to you. It wasn't until Thames House when I was dying in your arms that your eyes told me you actually loved me too, even if you couldn't say the words. I have no idea how long you may have felt that way and hidden it or even denied it. For me though, I'd surrendered everything and was hopelessly in love with you long before even the heavy 'dabbling' started. From the moment you confronted me about how guilty and miserable I still was at work, because Tosh had told you what she'd picked up with that alien pendant... that was it. When you looked me in the eye and told me you were sorry for what had happened with Lisa, put your arms around me, said you wanted and needed me at the Hub for purely selfish reasons but didn't think I should stay with Torchwood if it made me so unhappy or was hurting me, that you'd let me go with my memories intact... my heart was yours."
Jack could feel the trickling warmth of tears where his partner's face was pressed against his chest and tightened his embrace, gently massaging the younger brunette's lower back. He slid his arm out from beneath the pillow, got it under Ianto's shoulders so he could hold him properly and offer what comfort he could.
"You're a much better historian than I am," Harkness murmured, softly kissing the young Welshman on the top of the head. "I don't know if I can pinpoint when I fell in love with you. I just know it had happened before the whole mess with the Undertaker's Gift, long before the damn 456 ever entered the picture... and it scared me. Which is part of why I kept sending you mixed signals, why I kept focusing on Gwen so much. I never meant to make you feel second choice; it was just safer to play the game with her because she had Rhys and I never had any intention of coming between them. I was such a bastard to you half the time, and you just took it without a word of protest. I let my fear of being hurt control me, and you're the one who suffered for it. But I'd lost so many people close to me by that time; I didn't want to risk loving you because it would hurt that much more when time took you out of my life forever. Almost losing you to the Xilobytes just hammered that home. And every close call after that made it worse. Eventually I panicked; started trying to drive you away, but all you did was flinch and stayed by me regardless.
"Problem was, that honestly made me love you even more. No-one has ever been that unswervingly dedicated to me. Not even the few women I've loved enough to marry, definitely not the one I had Alice with. Especially with all the things about my past I kept hidden from you. That's why I totally lost it when you died. You were willing to stick with me, loving me, even if you were going to grow old while I never changed. You trusted me, and I lead you to your death. You were barely twenty-six, Ianto, just over a full month had passed since your birthday and you had so much life left to live. A life I really wanted to be a part of, sharing a love I wasn't sure I deserved. Having you die in my arms was like fate spitting in my face and telling me I was an unworthy freak, and it was the last straw. If life was going to be an eternity without the one person that I'd finally found who could accept me as I am, was willing to listen to my secrets and not turn away from me for them, then I wanted to stay dead... to stay with you. Now we know it's a good thing that I didn't, because loving and needing you are what brought you back to this world. Your existence is the only reason I care about what happens to the Universe now, and my not being able to die is okay, because it's part of what you need to survive."
There was silence between them for a moment, then Jack smiled and gave his lover another tight squeeze.
"How you can remember things like what you made for breakfast after the whole Brynblaidd debacle still blows my mind," he admitted with a slight laugh. "And the office chair and stopwatch... I remember freaking out because you'd never been with another man before and I was sure I'd turned you off to all sex for life. But I didn't recall the resultant demise of my chair until you mentioned it just now. No wonder you keep the files here so organized and have such a big diary."
"Owen always said it was because I was annoyingly anal-retentive," Ianto offered with a sniff. "Tosh told me I was somewhat OCD, and Gwen declared me an over-organized neat-freak with a scary good memory for the trivial. Telling them I got the job at One for reasons other than my coffee making skills was like talking to the wall. I could claim it was the Tea Boy curse... but it's actually just the result of a nearly eidetic memory."
"I think it's a wonderful gift regardless," Harkness countered. "It makes you a fantastic resource in our line of work, and really keeps the rest of us honest... especially me."
"On the subject of honesty," the young Archivist breathed, sounding both hesitant and determined at the same time. "I feel really tired and rather hung-over after having the past twenty odd months shoved back into my head... but all I can think about right now is how much I want your hands on me, and that nothing compares to how I feel when we more than 'dabble'. So, I was wondering if you just wanted to watch me sleep in fits and halts all night… or if you were maybe in the mood to play rabbit?"
Jack laughed and held the younger man tight, then ran one hand down his back to tug at the waistband of his borrowed briefs, and slid lower under the covers to face him.
"I'll never say no to my favourite 'fuzzy bunny'," the presumed American smiled, meeting his partner's still tear damp but bright blue-grey eyes. "And I remembered to stock the night table drawer."
Ianto took the initiative, bringing a hand up to curl around the back of the older immortal's neck and covering his smile with a kiss that rapidly turned passionate. At some point the covers ended up at the foot of the bed, their briefs hit the floor, the 'party favours' materialized, and a good part of the night disappeared in pure carnal pleasure. It didn't matter that they now had an eternity of opportunities to practice their 'lessons', there was only the moment and the need to enjoy it.
TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
AN: This one was quite long, because there were a few things the boys need to finally say to each other. I hope it meets expectations.
Thank you to those reading the story. And thank you to those who have followed, favourited, and reviewed. NM
