Chapter 61: Built to fall apart.
Ursula slumped on the couch at the Astronomy Tower and let out a heavy sigh. Telling Akko about the events of Wagandea had taken a toll on her, and she felt physically and emotionally drained; even after taking a shower and getting some food in her stomach.
It was to be expected, really. She rarely thought about that fateful night. The last time she did was when Akko unlocked the sixth word, and… yeah, she didn't want to remember that day either.
But now it seemed like the faucet had been opened and her own memories kept flooding her mind. Memories of what she and Croix had said to each other. Memories of her falling from the tree that kept popping up again and again. Memories of… of what happened the day after they had returned from Wagandea.
She shut her eyes, but it was no use; she could still see it clear as day. As if it had happened yesterday.
I wake up on the dusty couch of the Astronomy Tower. It feels familiar and yet… it doesn't. How long has it been since I last slept here with Croix? Five months? More than that, even?
But last time I was here, it didn't feel like my body had been run down by a truck, I wasn't covered in dirt from head to toe, and… Croix hadn't disappeared like a ghost while I slept.
So that's why this couch feels so cold and empty. Where is she anyways?
I yawn and stretch my sore body as I search around the room for her. Yeah… she's not here. But her luggage is still on the ground, so I don't think she left campus. Maybe she went to take a shower? I probably should do that as well; I smell of dirt, plants and sweat. Plus… a shower sounds like a nice way to soothe my body.
With my new objective in mind, I swiftly get up the couch and go to my room to get my showering essentials before heading to the showers.
Croix isn't there, unfortunately, but I figure I'll search for her after I'm actually clean and wearing presentable clothes. We definitely need to talk.
Ugh. Yesterday feels like a nightmare! From the moment Croix stepped into the school, up until what happened in Wagandea. It feels too horrible to be actually real, but I know it is. I just want to forget it all.
I let the warm water wash away my worries, and even the memories of what happened at that tree, and I feel a lot better afterwards. Now I just need to find Croix and… talk. Hopefully like actual reasonable human beings this time. Not that I'm holding my breath about it.
I make a quick stop at the laundry room to leave my dirty uniform there, and then I go to my room to leave my other stuff while I try to think of where Croix can possibly be.
I think the library and the cafeteria are both good options, since they're lonely and quiet during Samhain break, and she will probably want to have a place to at least sit down, I assume.
But no; I check on those and she's nowhere to be found. Amazing.
I exit the school towards the sport fields then; not because I think I'll find her there, but because I think our old spot under the lone tree, and the North Campus are both worth checking out.
But as it turns out, she's sitting on a bench next to the greenhouse, now wearing clean clothes, with her broom leaning on it next to her. Huh. That's… odd. And she seems to be deep in thought. I wonder…
I hurry up my steps and soon come to stand in front of her, but I don't know if she notices, since her eyes are still fixed on the ground. Maybe she's just ignoring me. Either way, I decide to speak.
"H-hey." I squeak out. So… I really do sound as nervous as I feel.
She doesn't seem surprised as she hears me speak; in fact, her attitude is oddly calm as she looks up at me for a moment, before taking her broom and laying it on the ground next to the bench.
"Chariot. Took you long enough." She says as she gestures me to sit down. I do so, but I'm feeling rather restless, and I end up fidgeting with the sash of my uniform as I search for something to say.
"Uhm… I couldn't find you…" I settle on saying. She just hums in acknowledgement, but still says nothing, her gaze now directed to the ground once again. "Are you okay? Were you… practicing?" I look briefly at the broom. I want to know if she was affected by the pollen, but… I'm too scared to ask directly.
There's a long pause between us; a silence only broken by the wind ruffling the dead autumn leaves of the trees behind our bench. I feel my stomach twist as the silence stretches, wishing she'd just end this torture and give me a clear answer… whatever it might be. The prospect isn't very promising, however, since she looks briefly at her now-scarred hand before answering.
"I can still fly."
I have to make a double take and replay the words inside my head before I can fully process what she just said. Especially because the tone and attitude she used don't really correspond to the words that just came out of her mouth.
"That's great news! … Right?" I feel like I'm missing something here. Croix then closes her eyes tightly for a moment, but when she opens them, she then turns to look at me, straightening her position on the bench.
"That's… what it would seem like." She says cautiously. "But the pollen definitely affected me in some way, and I don't know how."
"Oh." I gulp. So that's what this is about. She's scared about the possible effects the pollen could have had on her. "But… what if it didn't?" I question.
"It did." She answers without hesitation, which seems odd. She must notice my questioning glance, however, because she quickly elaborates. "Remember the magical injuries in my right hand?" I nod slowly, unsure of what that has to do with anything. "Well… Yesterday my gauntlet broke when the pollen touched it, and it injured my hand in turn." She then pauses, furrowing her eyebrows. "I didn't think that'd be a big deal, of course; I can still do magic without it, it just hurts and can be very difficult, but…" A sigh escapes her lips. "When I practiced earlier… it was as if I had the gauntlet still. Almost as if… as if my hand had never been injured at all."
My eyes open to the size of saucers at her words. I almost can't believe what she's saying! Is it true? Did Wagandea accomplish what we had thought impossible before? Did it cure Croix's hand for good?
"That's… that's amazing!" I exclaim. But… there's something that doesn't make sense here; Croix's attitude. I'd be ecstatic if I were her.
"Yes…" She trails off, staring at the horizon. "To an extent."
"What do you mean?" I tilt my head in confusion, but she just lets out a long sigh before answering. Not exasperated, exactly, but it does sound like she didn't want to have to explain this.
"My magical injuries were made when I injected foreign magic inside my body." She starts. "Well… if they're gone now, that means the pollen got that magic out of my body." I nod to show that I'm paying attention. "The question here is… did it only take the foreign magic? Or did it take some of my own magic as well? And if so, how much?"
"Oh." I see her point now. Her magical injuries are gone now, but at what cost? That's something we don't know yet. "Did you feel a difference when you were doing magic earlier?" I question.
"Yeah… something like that." She makes a grimace. "I can still cast spells and fly, but… something feels off about my magic. Like it's taking longer than usual to respond."
"Well… At least you still have it?" I try to sound encouraging, but I don't think I succeed, judging by her deadpan expression.
"I suppose that's something, considering I could just have lost all of my magic yesterday." She says in a monotonous tone. "But… it's not great consolation considering that's a situation I should have never gone through in the first place."
"I'm… sorry." I pretty much flinch at her words, and now it seems like it's my turn to look at the ground.
"It's alright." She sighs. "It's in the past now, and… we can't change what happened."
"But?" I can't help asking. It sounds like there's something she left unsaid, which is pretty much confirmed when I turn to look at her and see her trying unsuccessfully to suppress a grimace.
"But… I don't…" She swallows, like she's struggling to get the words out of her throat. "I don't…" She blinks repeatedly and her voice now sounds strained. She closes her eyes tightly as she finally speaks. "I don't know if we can be together anymore."
"What?!" I get up as if struck by lightning. That's not what I expected her to say at all.
"I know this might seem sudden… but I've been thinking about it all day." She wets her lips and looks away, like she's searching for the right words. "It's rather obvious that we're both prioritizing our careers right now, so it's not like we can see each other very often, and even our emails are few and far between."
"I'll write more! I promise!" I exclaim fervently. I don't want to lose her.
"Even then… there's certain differences between us that I don't think we can sort out at the moment."
"Like what?!" I exclaim once more in disbelief. This truly makes no sense to me at all.
"I… I-I don't think you should be Shiny Chariot." She says plainly, finally looking at me once more. She seems tired. "Not before unlocking the last word, at least." I make a grimace. So that's what this is about, huh? "But… I know I have no right to ask you to abandon your dream to chase mine… and if I stick around, I'll only end up making things worse between us."
"That's not true!" I protest. "I can be Shiny Chariot and still search for the seventh word! We don't have to choose between our dreams; we can join efforts and make them both grow. Together. That's what we've been doing until now, right?"
"I don't think I can do that, actually." She answers with a pained expression. "Besides… I'm too busy with my project to help you with the words. It's your responsibility now. Only yours." She pauses and looks me directly in the eyes. "I meant what I said yesterday; you should use the Shiny Rod to get the seventh word and the Grand Triskelion. But I can't force you to do anything; it's not my business what you do with it anymore."
"Croix… please don't be like this." I practically whine. "We can work this out. Even if you don't agree with the ways I use the Shiny Rod, or my choice of career… that doesn't mean we have to separate."
"Yeah, but… it's not just that." Her shoulders tense up and she looks to the side. "There's also everything we said to each other at Wagandea, and what happened then. And it also hurts to see you throw down the drain everything we built together… but again, I get that you're focused on your career right now, and I can't do anything about it."
"Croix… t-that's not-"
"Furthermore." She cuts off my weak protest. "If you knew what I'm truly doing with my project… I don't think you would approve either." She lets out a long sigh.
"What… do you mean?" I ask cautiously.
"It doesn't matter." She dismisses it with a shrug. "The point here is that we both felt the need to keep things from each other in order to benefit our own dreams." With a grimace, I have to admit that it is true. "It's obvious we don't fully trust each other anymore, and we aren't handling the long-distance thing like we should."
"Yeah… b-but…"
"It's better to end things now before everything gets worse." She cuts me off once again. "I don't want us to end up hating each other, okay? That's why I'm doing this."
Silence reins after that. I'm in disbelief at everything she's said so far in this conversation. She can't be breaking up with me! She just can't. We… we still love each other! Isn't that what matters? And yet she made some extremely valid points. Still… I'm not going to let things go down like this.
Without thinking twice about what I'm doing, I grab her face firmly between my hands, and crash my lips onto hers.
It's an awkward and sloppy kiss. And she doesn't kiss me back. Maybe… maybe that's why it doesn't quite feel like before. It fails to lit up the fire inside my chest. It feels… hollow. And cold.
I separate after a few moments, and search for an answer in Croix's eyes, but she looks away.
"I'm sorry." She says dejectedly.
"Croix… please don't do this." I kneel down in front of her and take her hands, fighting against the tears forming in my eyes and desperately trying to search for a way to make her reconsider. "D-don't leave me."
I feel the warm liquid finally spill from my eyes, and I can only blink to try and clear my vision, unable to stop it. My heart is shattered to pieces on the floor right now. And I don't even know if there's a way to put it back together again.
"Chariot…" Croix's thumb comes to wipe one of my tears, and her eyes look sympathetic as they lock into mine. "Cherry… please don't cry." Despite her words, more tears flow out at her use of the endearing nickname, and a hiccup escapes my lips. I can't stop myself. "It's… it doesn't have to be forever, okay? But things are complicated right now." She takes a deep breath and gives me an apologetic smile. "I know it doesn't seem like it at the moment, but it's for the best. We can get back together once things aren't so… messy."
"Y-you mean… when I'm not Shiny Chariot anymore?" That's what she implied, right? But the question leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
"That… could be a solution." She admits reluctantly. "But what I really meant is… maybe once you unlock the Grand Triskelion, or I get my scholarship or… I don't know, something changes, we could get back together. As a couple."
"B-but… but I don't want us to stop being a couple. Ever." I protest.
"I know, but… we don't have time for each other anyway." She tries to reason, but her voice trembles slightly, like she's trying (and failing) to hide the pain in it. "We can still be friends." She adds weakly.
"But I don't want to be just friends!"
"I'm sorry." Is all she says before she hastily gets up. I barely have time to react before she grabs her broom and flies away… back to the Astronomy Tower.
I can only curl up on the ground and hide my face between my knees, trying to give myself some semblance of comfort, and maybe stop myself from falling apart because of the loud sobs wrecking my body.
But it's no use. Nothing can comfort me now.
I know Croix. She's a stubborn idiot; once she sets her mind to something, it's near impossible to make her reconsider. And this is one of those situations.
I don't think she wanted to break up with me, but I do believe she thinks this is for the best.
And what's worse is that… I do believe she has a point, even if I don't agree with her.
Maybe I was just grasping at the last straws of an already dying relationship. And maybe I was the one who put the last nail on its metaphorical coffin. Even when I didn't mean to.
The only good thing to come out of this, I think sourly, is that I won't have a relationship to lie about to the press anymore.
As expected, this doesn't give me the least bit of solace.
Ursula wiped the tears that had escaped her eyes, and quickly grabbed a tissue to blow her nose. This wasn't the time to be crying about something that had happened a decade prior! She had papers to grade, tasks to finish and a whole lot of paperwork to go through.
But… she didn't feel like she could get up from the couch if she tried; much less do anything productive. She felt like she was ill, except there were no physical symptoms; only the mild swelling of her eyes from crying.
There was no use. She couldn't deny it anymore. She needed… she needed comfort.
Her eyes flickered towards the drawer on her desk, but she quickly directed them to the ground once more.
No. She couldn't… she never called at this hour! Who knows if Croix would pick up. And even if she did, there was no guarantee she could come to visit. Not without getting caught, at least, and she really didn't want to get her into any trouble.
Still, despite all these arguments against it, she got up from the couch, opened the drawer hastily and retrieved the phone before quickly going to sit again at the couch.
With shaking hands, she then searched Croix's number and pressed the call button, waiting for a few tense seconds for her to pick up.
"Hey." Croix's voice was finally heard from the other end of the line, and Chariot could only take a sharp intake of breath, unable to say a word. "Chariot?"
Chariot took a moment to force herself to open her mouth… but all that came out of it was a pitiful sob.
"Chariot! Are you okay?" Now Croix sounded worried, but all Chariot could do was nod in response, even knowing full well that the other couldn't see her. Still, if she tried to speak again, she knew she'd end up breaking down and worrying Croix even more.
"Cherry, is everything alright?" Judging by her tone of voice, it seemed like Croix was already pretty worried anyways. "I'll teleport there, alright? Just lay the phone somewhere."
Now, she wasn't sure if she wanted Croix to see her in this pathetic state, but she also knew her girlfriend was determined, so if she didn't put the phone somewhere, they'd just end up colliding head first, so… she quickly laid the phone down next to her and, just a moment later, Croix's figure appeared at her side.
Chariot barely gave her a moment to take in her surroundings before she launched herself into her arms and buried her face on her chest, crying.
Croix seemed startled at first, and didn't immediately hug her back, but after a few moments, her arms slowly came to envelope her and pull her closer, as she used one of her hands to softly caress her hair.
Chariot was immensely grateful for Croix's presence and her comforting actions; having her there, physically, giving her the love and attention she so desperately needed at the moment, helped to keep the bad memories at bay somewhat. Like a warm blanket that somehow is able to scare off the monsters when you're a child.
Still… even as Croix kept on silently trying to comfort her with her actions, it wasn't long until she finally spoke.
"What happened?" She asked softly; voice laced with worry.
"N-nothing." Chariot gave the automatic response and Croix immediately sighed. They knew each other too well to be playing this game.
"Finnelan again?" She then asked with a hint of humor, but Chariot immediately shook her head. "Then… problems with students?" Was her second guess.
At her words, Chariot paused for a moment, trying to force enough air into her lungs to actually speak. She wasn't exactly eager to discuss this subject with Croix, but… it's not like she'd ever talk about it with anyone else, and maybe getting it out of her chest would do her some good, right?
"I-I… I told Akko about… Wagandea." She somehow managed to mumble against Croix shoulder. She just hoped the other woman could actually understand her.
"Wagandea?" Croix seemed a bit confused. "You mean…?"
"W-when we went. Together." She elaborated.
"Oh." That's all she said, but her body noticeably tensed. It seemed the memories about it were having an effect on her too.
"I… I remembered also… what happened after." She sobbed, clinging to Croix like ivy to a wall. She almost feared that if she stopped holding her so tightly, she'd disappear. If Croix felt discomfort at the force applied, however, she didn't show it.
"The… breakup?" Her voice sounded strained, but at least she didn't make an attempt to let go. Chariot simply nodded.
"I-I'm sorry…" She chocked out.
"Why are you apologizing?" Croix chuckled. "I'm the one who broke up with you."
Finally, Chariot lessened her grip slightly and separated only enough to see Croix eye to eye.
"Croix… I almost cost you everything." Her vision was blurry because of the tears, but Croix's discomfort at her words was still clear as day. "And for what? To prove that even if I wasted my time doing shows, I was still the legitimate owner of the Shiny Rod?" She chuckled bitterly. "I was so stupid."
"I… I was stupid too." Croix simply said. Not denying her claims; not trying to comfort her. Simply admitting her own faults as well. Good. "I could have handled things differently, but… my mind wasn't in the best place back then." She made a grimace. "It hasn't been in the best place since, really." She tried to laugh at her own words, but it died down quickly. "That's why I broke up with you; I… romance wasn't exactly something I could do at the moment."
"What… do you mean?" Chariot frowned. She didn't think Croix had said something like this before.
"Well…" She shrugged, trying to be casual about this whole issue, but her shoulders were really tense, and she deviated her gaze. Never a good sign. "I barely remember anything that happened back then. Just like I don't remember much about what happened when I came back and tried to take the Grand Triskelion for myself."
"What?" But… that had been just months ago! Such memory loss surely wasn't normal, right?
"Even my other memories from this past decade don't really seem real sometimes." She chuckled, but it was clear it was meant to hide the pain in her voice. "It was like…" She paused, swallowing heavily and trying to smile, only for her lips to curl down on their own. When she spoke again, her voice was deeper, and her words shaky. "... Like I was seeing a movie from my own eyes. I was a robot; barely having control of my own actions… everything I did was automatic." She let out a shaky breath and squeezed her eyes shut. "A-and… sometimes there were voices inside my head. They told me to do… b-bad things. They insulted and challenged me. Sometimes they sounded like Mellea, or… the other woman, but most of the time it was Woodward. Eventually, however, it was my own voice."
Chariot could only stare at her with wide eyes as she processed this impromptu confession. Whatever Croix was describing… it couldn't be normal. And… she had been dealing with it even as a teenager? She understood that correctly, right?
"And… you said this happened when we went to Wagandea?" Croix opened her eyes at the question and sighed. She didn't seem particularly eager to share more than she already had, but she still elaborated.
"It started when I graduated Luna Nova. And then again when I came back as a teacher." She explained, and then chuckled bitterly as she spoke again. "I call it my 'evil side'."
"And you say that's why you broke up with me?" Chariot asked in disbelief. All this time she thought it was because of Wagandea.
"Well…" She made a grimace. "There was a myriad of reasons, but my mental state was one of them, yes."
"I…" Chariot didn't even know what to say! How had she never noticed something like that?! "I'm sorry." She said fervently as she pulled her closer and buried her face in Croix's shoulder. "I can't believe I never knew you were suffering so much."
"I wouldn't call it suffering." Croix amended; her voice almost scarily calm. "I rarely felt anything. No pain, or anger or even happiness." She paused, letting out a shaky breath. "I knew what I was supposed to be feeling at any situation, but… the feelings themselves were dull; just out of my reach."
"Croix…" Chariot pulled her even closer, as if she wanted to erase all of that with her mere presence.
For the longest time, she had selfishly (and naively too, really) believed that she had been the only one suffering from what had happened. But no; Croix had been living her own hell, it seemed like. Maybe she couldn't feel anything, but that was its own horror, wasn't it? It definitely didn't sound pleasant at all, and Croix seemed rather shaken just being reminded of it.
"During the decade we spent apart…" Croix spoke again, startling Chariot, but she let her continue uninterrupted. "Well… it was a state that came and go, but… It was never quite as strong as back when you were Shiny Chariot." She explained. "Except when I found out the Claiomh Solais had a new owner." She shuddered. "That… really triggered it."
Croix then paused for a moment, rubbing soothing circles on Chariot's back, probably in an attempt to comfort them both.
"When you saved me from my own creations… it was like slowly waking up from a decade-long nightmare and realizing all the damage I'd done." She concluded, her voice somber and full of fear. Fear of herself.
"Croix." Chariot separated from her once more and looked her in the eyes, placing her hands on her shoulders for emphasis. "Promise me I'll never lose you again. N-not… like that."
"Don't worry." Croix smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. "After I find the cure for Wagandea we'll be together forever."
"But Croix…" That's not what she had wanted to hear. "What if you don't find it?"
"I will." She answered confidently. "I have the advantage of having survived that tree practically unscathed."
At this, Chariot frowned. "Practically unscathed" wasn't the same as completely unscathed, after all.
She took Croix's right hand on her own and slowly guided it up towards her mouth, softly placing a kiss on the silvery tissue where she knew the almost invisible scar to be.
"Just promise me you'll be careful." She looked directly at Croix's eyes, using her best pleading expression. "And… that you won't lose yourself again."
Croix's smile was genuine this time, as she moved up her hand to cup Chariot's face and leaned down to place a chaste kiss on her lips.
"I promise."
A/N: Well, that's the end of Charoix, it seems. But not the end of the story, don't worry! There's still a lot of heartbreak left XD. Thanks for reading, and I hope you like this chapter and the ones to come. See you!
Thanks to my beta reader moonwatcher13.
