Chapter 66: When everything falls apart.
It's finally time for my show, I'm at the backstage as usual, and Croix… well, she's nowhere to be seen. Not that I'm surprised, considering how we ended things earlier, but it's still weird I haven't even caught a glimpse of her all day. I wonder if she'll still use her cubes on my show. Sure, it's for her experiments and all, but I wouldn't put it past her to throw a tantrum and just not show up without telling anyone.
Ugh, what am I gonna do?!
I guess… I guess I'll have to either improvise or stick to my old routine if she doesn't show up.
But I'm so nervous! My stomach is hurting and my palms are sweaty, which hasn't happened in a while. If my show goes wrong somehow, I swear I'm gonna kill her.
"Chariot, you have one minute." I hear someone calling me outside my changing room.
"Y-yeah! I'm coming." I answer as I quickly hurry to grab my staff. I'm about to head out when Alcor flies to my shoulder and speaks.
"You're too agitated Chariot. You should take some time to calm yourself down."
"What- I'm fine!" I protest and open the door, but he interrupts me again.
"Let me do the entrance we practiced in Germany. It'll give you some time to breathe."
"I… I don't really think it'll make a difference…" I say sheepishly.
"Just try." It's all he says before he flies out.
I sigh and watch him go before walking more calmly towards a spot from here I'll be able to watch the stage in order to make my grand entrance, and try to take a few breaths in order to relax myself a little, as he suggested. Ugh. It's not… it's not that big of a deal! I shouldn't be altered like this, right? But… I guess it's partially because it's Croix we're talking about, and like it or not, I actually care for her still. As stupid as that is.
I shake my head.
See, that's my problem! I can't get Croix out of my thoughts even when I really need to! She's like a fog, clogging my mind and making my life difficult, even when she's not physically here.
Alright. No more Croix then. I'll concentrate on the show now. That's all I have to do! Yeah… look at the stage! It's so pretty! And there's quite a crowd tonight; so many children and their parents patiently waiting for my appearance. They're all counting on me to inspire them and show them what real magic looks like, I can't let them down!
And so, with a final intake of breath, I see that it's time to start the spectacle.
It all goes exactly as planned, thankfully, since I'm able to get my nerves under control and just concentrate on my spells and movements. And so, I'm soon able to awe my crowd with a series of transformations and illusions as it's usual. Then, I need to recharge my magic and so it's time to use the dream fuel spirit in order to keep making spells and… well, this is usually when one of Croix's creatures would appear. If it doesn't then I guess I could just-
Wait! What is… Oh! It's… it's a black ball with teeth, eating the magical creatures that always appear when I use the dream fuel spirit. Phew. Just in time, Croix! Although… isn't that lizard… a lot bigger than usual…?
Well, no matter. A shot of my Shiny Arc should be able to eliminate it nonetheless.
"Noctu Orfai Odem Fraetore!" I shout, readying my arrow. "Shiny Arc!"
And with the monster finally defeated, and my usual parting words, it's time to conclude the show. Damn, that was… well, better than expected, honestly. I really thought Croix wouldn't show up and I'd have to improvise something, but I'm glad It's finally over and everything went as good as I could have hoped for.
Now I just need to get changed, grab some food and get a good night's sleep. I deserve it after the stressful experience I went through, right?
I hear a knock on the door to my changing room not too long after I've made it here and took off the impractical red cape. Ugh. I really don't want to answer! It's probably my manager, about to tell me how I should have made some spell or other better, as if he doesn't make mistakes from time to time. I really want to keep him waiting, but I know it'll just be worse in the long run, so… I don't really have a choice.
"Just a moment." I say, grabbing my robe and putting it on, since otherwise I'd feel rather exposed with this outfit. Then, I open the door and…
"Can I come in?"
"Croix!" I exclaim, happily surprised to see her here. Hopefully we'll be able to talk more calmly this time and maybe make amends. Her participation in my show felt like an olive branch of sorts, after all. "You did it! You made the dragon."
"Indeed." She says as she makes her way inside, while I just proceed to close the door as quickly as possible and redirect my attention to her.
"I was afraid you wouldn't show up…" I admit in a small voice.
"I need the data for my project." She simply answers raising an eyebrow. I just roll my eyes, knowing she's playing hard to get.
"Still, thank you." I smile. "The dragon was a great addition to my show."
"Your public seemed to like it." She nods, but seems rather disinterested, with her eyes shifting around as if her mind is elsewhere.
"Like it? It was a huge success, Croix! Did you see their smiles?" I exclaim, hoping my cheerful attitude will rub off in her, as right now her demeanor is making me tense. I was hoping this would go much more smoothly.
"It was fantastic." Well… she sounds a bit happier at least. "The dream fuel spirit is incredibly powerful." She turns around, giving me her back, although I can still see her face in one of the mirrors. "With this sort of power, the world of magic will once again be as splendid as it was in the past."
"What?" I'm… confused. Why is she talking about power? And restoring magic? This isn't about that! I was just talking about my show!
"Compared to that, your shows are just a minor thing." Her tone… it's so cold… it's scaring me. "Even if to achieve it, sacrifices were needed."
"S-sacrifices?" I manage to stutter out. What is she talking about? I don't like this at all.
"The dream fuel spirit, it absorbs people's energy through their dreams, and turns it into magical energy that we can use." She explains matter-of-factly and, although it's similar to what she explained before, about turning dreams into magic, her wording is different this time, and the implication of what she just said gives me shivers. I'm desperately hoping I misunderstood.
"You never told me that…"
"No? Well, it's not important." She dismisses my concerns.
"B-but… what will happen to the people whose energy was absorbed?" I ask frantically.
"Nothing." She answers nonchalantly. "They'll just lose a portion of their magical power." Slowly she turns around, and in her face, she has smug smile. "Normal people don't even use that power, so them losing it isn't a problem."
A pause, as she changes her pose to face me directly, putting the full weight of her cold teal eyes on me.
"Well, maybe it would be if there was someone from a witching family in the public, but I doubt they'd come watch the show of someone who's a pariah in the magical world."
At this point I'm not really listening to her explanations and excuses. I can only feel my heart bleeding out for this betrayal. I trusted her! I… This isn't what I wanted! To steal? To… to rob people of their power? Yes, I wanted magic, but not at this cost!
Croix's words from the previous day resonate in my head: "If my goal is to revive magic, I can justify doing almost anything". That's what she's doing, isn't it? Justifying her giving me this untested magic and lying to me about it, justifying stealing magic from people all around the world just to obtain data… justifying hurting me in favor of whatever sick satisfaction she's getting out of this.
"Why did you do it?" I can't help asking, voice trembling in disbelief and hurt. "If I had known, I would have never used it! I don't need such power."
"You don't want power?" A pause. "Don't be so naïve!" her tone of voice, previously calm and collected, suddenly becomes loud and almost aggressive.
"Huh?" I flinch, startled by the sudden change of attitude.
"This is why you can't unlock the last world!" She takes a step forward and points towards me, giving emphasis to her enraged words. "It's your responsibility as the chosen one! You have to obtain the world altering magic! But you still keep doing these stupid shows instead?! What's going on in your head?!"
Another step forward, and now we're just a few centimeters apart. I'd be lying if I said I'm not intimidated by this sudden burst of angry words and feelings being thrown at me, but I'm just like a deer in headlights; frozen.
"B-but Croix…" I manage to squeak out, but I'm swiftly interrupted.
"And what's that whole thing about the Shiny Rod? Such a ridiculous name!" She gets even closer, and at this point our noses are almost touching. But it's not like it always was in the past; a romantic or playful gesture. No, this time she's angry and she's making that abundantly clear. "Is this why the Claiomh Solais chose you? For making stupid shows?! I can't understand!" She looks down and clenches her fists with rage, tense as can be, as she asks the same question that has been tormenting her since that fateful day at the Arcturus tower. "Why? Why did it choose you?"
"I don't know either…" I answer, looking down as well, and frowning as I try to push down the ugly feelings that sparked from what Croix said, as well as the insecurities I've been harboring since I was chosen. "Because my dream is to make everyone happy with the power of magic. It's all I can do."
I'm not like Croix. I don't have great ambitions; I don't want to revive magic! I just… I can only put band aids on people's problems, as she said.
"You still don't understand, do you?" She closes her eyes, and her tone is suddenly softer than before, but condescending in a way, almost pitying. "They'll get bored of your shows eventually, and forget about you." She turns around and tucks her hands inside her pockets as she starts walking away. "Magic will be forgotten."
I continue to stare at the ground even as I hear her open the door; just holding my tears and waiting for her to exit before I break down. I don't want her to see me like that, I don't want her to know just how much she affected me.
"I can't follow your footsteps anymore; I'll make my own path." And with those partying words, the door closes and I finally fall to my knees.
My tears are falling down like heavy rain, and my sobs are rocking my body and making me gasp for air. I don't want to cry! I… I refuse to let her words affect me to this extent, but… It's not just the words, is it? She… she betrayed me. She used me. She took advantage of the trust I had on her and weaponized it against me. She… she made me hurt people. So many people. I feel dirty; violated.
And the worst part is… It could've been prevented. I could have prevented it. From the very beginning, since the first time I used dream fuel spirit, I knew something was wrong; something didn't feel right. I don't know if Croix was aware of what this magic did from the start, or if she found out later, but either way… what she did… using me, and all these people who come to watch my shows and have a good time, for her sick experiments… how could she?! I thought… I really thought she was different.
How could my best friend, my lover, my… my everything, could really be the same as this twisted monster that doesn't care about hurting thousands of innocents in pursue for her own dreams? Did she really change that much after leaving Luna Nova? Or was the monster always there, lurking just under the surface, waiting for the opportunity to strike?
I guess it doesn't matter anymore. She's gone, and with her, any hope for a reconciliation. And my desire for it too. All that's left at the heart of our relationship is a black hole, slowly growing and eating away any and all good memories I had of her.
And me? I'm still kneeling on the floor, bleeding out from a thousand cuts, and trying to put together the crumbling pieces of my broken heart.
It's early in the morning at my hotel and… I'm still feeling increasingly like a trampled piece of paper lying on the pavement as the weight of Croix's words settles in my stomach. I feel sick, nauseous, dirty, sore and… empty.
I just wanted to make people happy! I never meant to steal their magic. I never meant to hurt them. I just hope… I hope Croix is right, as painful as that is to admit. I hope I didn't steal magic from someone who'll eventually come to use it. I might be a "pariah" in the world of magic, as she put it, but with so many people attending my shows, I wouldn't be surprised if at some point there was at least one from a magical family. Or many.
Gosh, what am I gonna do?!
I press my palms against my stinging eyes, dry from crying all night. I just want this nightmare to end. I want to wake up and realize I still haven't had my first show in Japan; that dream fuel spirit is perfectly safe to use and that the person who I once loved the most didn't actually stab me in the back and left me to bleed out the consequences.
Ugh. I just want to wake up, I think as I turn around and hug one of the pillows, as tight as I can, as if such an action would give me solace. I hate this. I hate the feeling of my soul slowly cracking inside myself; how my heart has become an empty void, begging to be filled with something, anything. But what I hate the most is… I hate knowing that… I can't really tell this to anyone.
I can't just announce to the public that I stole their magic; they'd probably want my head for that. I'd go to jail, that's for sure…
Wait, is there even a law against stealing magic? Probably not, right? But regardless… my career as Shiny Chariot would surely end, as well as my tours, my shows and any credibility and respect I have among non-magical people. And among witches… well, I'd become even more of a pariah. My only choice would be to spend the rest of my life hiding in a cave like a hermit.
No. The public can't know.
But… Maybe I could tell my manager, at least? He needs to know I won't be using dream fuel spirit again, and therefore my shows will be limited to half an hour of simple spells like before. He won't be happy about it, that's for sure… if he even understands in the first place.
Would he… care? Maybe it's a stupid question, but something tells me he'll be of the same mentality as Croix; no witches are in my public, therefore it doesn't matter if I steal magic as long as it benefits us.
No, surely he wouldn't be that cynical… right?
I sigh as I let go of my pillow briefly, only to lift it up and let it land on my face. Then, I press it with my hands and let out an anguished cry.
It's useless. No matter how much I try to rationalize it, he will always ask me to improve my shows; to make my magic last more, to make my spells more spectacular. Anything else doesn't matter for him and the company as a whole. I don't think he even understands how magic works.
…
Wait! That's it!
I don't think we ever explained to him how dream fuel spirit works anyways, and I bet he was under the impression it had to do with Croix's cubes, even when those were only there to collect data. And in that case… well, in that case I can just say I can't use it anymore now that Croix isn't here.
Alright… it seems like I found a solution to my problem. One of my problems, at least. I just have to implement it today at the second Tokyo show.
Now… what do I do with all these ugly feelings? How am I supposed to go out and smile and entertain and charm everyone, when I'm feeling so much guilt and sadness, and anger and… ugh!
I squeeze my eyes tight, but no more tears fall from them, like they refuse to even let me cry and give some sort of relief to the burdens of my heart.
And for the first time since I started performing, I'm dreading the show, and wishing I could cancel it.
The second Tokyo show went… as well as I could have expected. Which is to say, it was a dumpster fire.
Even having a few hours to tell my manager Croix had left and I was without dream fuel spirit, planning the new (old) routine and informing everyone the show time had been cut in half, there were too many mistakes, too many missed beats and, most of all, too many people with disappointed faces once the show was over.
At least I managed to smile, I think. I hope.
All I could really do was wish the next few shows would go better, but… yeah, I wasn't really holding my breath about it. If I could've canceled the tour, I would have done it in an instant. I just wanted to go home, curl up under my sheets and forget about all of this, but unfortunately going to the literal moon on a broomstick sounded a lot more plausible.
The world tour was supposed to be the start of a new rise in popularity; new merch for Shiny Chariot, bigger and bigger scenarios, maybe even a collaboration with an illusionist or two. But what it really ended up being was a downhill slope.
Every show, less and less people came; a fact even more apparent with the bigger stages and venues I had been assigned to. I also heard the booing, the voices asking for something more; something better. I read the critics, and I listened to my manager's pressures, all telling me that I wasn't doing enough, and I needed to improve.
The problem was that I was already doing my best. I really was! I couldn't do much more than what I was already doing with the little magic I had available. I tried to smile more and be more cheerful to make up for it, but people seemed bored nonetheless, and that extinguished some my fire despite me trying not to let it affect me.
It was… it was like I was being forgotten.
"They'll get bored of your shows eventually, and forget about you. Magic will be forgotten." Croix's ugly words echo inside my head time and time again. When I see my fans' latest comments, when I see the empty seats at the scenarios, or when I'm told how much my popularity and revenue has dropped lately.
Croix was right.
No! No, she wasn't! She can't be! I… I can't fail. If anything because it'd just prove her right; because all that stolen magic, carelessly spent on illusions and transformations for my shows, will ultimately be for nothing. I have to fulfill my dream; I have to bring happiness to everyone with my magic. If I fail… gosh, if I fail I feel like I might as well just… disappear. I don't want to exist in a world where I've been forgotten.
Why? Narcissism? I mean, it might play a part. Maybe I was getting more comfortable in the life of a celebrity than I'd like to admit, but… No. That's not it. It feels… deeper. More devastating than just a sore ego.
If I already made so much damage trying to keep my dream alive, failing would be a disservice to those I wronged.
That's what I feel.
Is it an awful way of thinking? Maybe, but that's how I feel anyways.
I sigh as I make my way out of my changing room and towards the scenario. Today, I'm in America; the first show on this side of the planet, out of many that still remain in my world tour. They feel… endless. I really wished I could cancel all my shows, curl under some bedsheets and forget about everything for a week or two. Maybe even more. But no. I have to go out there and smile and act as if I'm not dying inside every day; as if little cracks in my soul don't appear every time I hear the mean things people say about me and my shows, bringing in the now familiar pain that coats my entire body, like a bleeding wound. I just have to smile and take it.
I start my usual routine, but there's not much energy to it anymore; my mind just isn't in the right place. It's like my body is acting in auto pilot; doing the routines I've practiced for so long, and casting the usual spells without me really being conscious about it. All I can really think of is the disappointed expressions and the bored faces I see in the crowd, and of the mean remarks than can be heard despite the music; telling me to do something more, something better.
More and better, more and better. That's the issue, isn't it? That's the core of the problem; no matter what I do, it's never enough. I have to keep improving, show after show, as if there were no limits to what I can do. It's what forced me into accepting Croix's offer in the first place; into using dream fuel spirit and betraying my public.
But they betrayed me too, didn't they? With their hurtful words and endless demands. They failed to understand I'm just as human as everyone else, and therefore have limitations. They deserved what happened.
No!
I shut my eyes, trying to shut off those awful thoughts, which have become more and more common lately. I feel anger and pain, sadness and exhaustion, but above all, I feel small and inadequate.
My head feels like it's spinning, and I can feel all those eyes on me; judging me, hating me, watching me fail with baited breath and sick satisfaction. I want to ignore them, to continue with the show as usual, but it feels like my body won't obey me. All I can do is fester in hate.
Hate towards them for their greed and insensibility. Hate towards my manager for always pushing me until my breaking point. Hate towards Croix for deceiving me into using the dream fuel spirit. Hate towards myself for disappointing everyone and trusting Croix. And hate… hate towards the Shiny Rod for choosing me. Because without it, I never would have been able to use dream fuel spirit in the first place.
I clench it tightly, looking at it with anger; its ugly green gems and sharp edges. I never liked this rod, but I have it now, and I'll give the public what they're asking of me. They want a show? They want something bigger and better? I'll give them bigger and better!
"Noctu Orfei Odem Fraetore!" The words come out of my mouth before I can fully process what I'm doing, and my arm raises almost on its own, waiting for the Shiny Arc to appear in my hand.
I didn't even think about the meaning of the first word, or connect with my love of magic, as I usually need to do in order to use the Claiomh Solais. No, this time, I activated it only using my anger and hate and… it worked.
My eyes open wide in fear as I see the monstrosity I just summoned. A bow, taller than me by more than a head, and wider than my hand, encasing my arm up until the elbow as if it was a plant making roots on my limb. What… is this? I must have used all my magic on it, and it won't even help with the show! I… it's okay, I don't have to fire it-
The tip lights up with concentrated magic, as an equally gigantic arrow is summoned without my control and, before I can even think about stopping it, it shoots off at the speed of light, towards the night sky and… the moon.
There's a bright flash, and an explosion that can't be heard, but when the sight clears, I can see, with my own two eyes, a crater with the form of a four-pointed star that's now marring the surface of the moon.
But I don't even have time to dwell in the horror of what I just did, because immediately after, the giant bow I summoned starts crumbling before my eyes, as if was a putrid branch, being torn apart by the wind. And in a matter of just seconds, the Claiomh Solais, my dream, my career, and any hope of ever reviving magic, are all gone.
A/N: So we've come to this part of the story, and as you probably imagine the ending is coming pretty soon as well. We only have one more chapter left! Hope you're enjoying the story so far, and that you'll leave a comment if you did. Thanks for reading!
Thanks to my beta reader moonwatcher13.
