"Through nonchalant night and the sinister umbral dark places of the world, I have come to impart mighty and powerful words from my most imperial liege. She instructs you, 'Surrender now, and I won't kill anyone who doesn't deserve it. Resist and I'll let Magda unleash Mr Huggy'. If it's all the same to you, I would advise you human scum to surrender. I couldn't eat for a week after seeing what she did to Guldeford."
– Apostrophe, Night Emissary of the Shadow Queen of the Dark Elves
…
"Ladies," Louise said crisply. She leant over the wellspring of magical power, the glow illuminating her face from below. There were notable bags under her eyes and her hair was limp. "I shall be brief. The three lords are… no longer a problem. I shall be returning home shortly and-"
"Neat," said Jessica brightly, her voice emanating from the crystal at the heart of this lesser tower.
"Indeed. It is most well done, Louise-Françoise," Henrietta agreed. "In just a few weeks, you will be back home! It will be so good to see you again!"
Louise raised a hand, and then remembered that they couldn't see her. "Ahem," she said instead. "However, there is another thing I need to do here in the Mystic East. I have heard rumour of a great treasure kept within Goicang."
"Oh, indeed," Gnarl interjected. "I remember. It was the… something or other. Well, perhaps I don't remember. It was an awfully long time ago, you know. It is just terrible that you intend to complete the dark work of your forebears and reclaim this dreadfully important thing."
Sighing, Louise massaged her temples and tried not to glare at the crystal. It would just give her a headache and she didn't need more of one. "Gnarl," she said, as patiently as she could manage, "do you actually know what the treasure is?"
"Well, not exactly," the old wizened voice said. "The memory goes, I'm afraid. And the rumours were never very certain at the time. But I do recall being certain it was some relic of one of the early overlords – perhaps even the first or second! Or maybe the fifth. Certainly before the twelfth."
"You're good at being helpful, aren't you?" Louise muttered. "Very well. Jessica. Contact your father. I have an order for him."
"Neat. What you looking for, Lou?"
"I currently have Cattleya interrogating a captive I took, who I have reason to believe knows closely guarded secrets about the defences of Goicang," Louise said with a yawn, "and I expect results from her."
"Uh." Jessica cleared her throat. "Why Cattleya? Isn't she a bit… Cattleya-ish for that?"
"Firstly, because she is the one with the evil vampiric hypnotic gaze, not me," Louise said. "And secondly, it turns out that she learned Cathayan from Father because… well, uh, she was bored with being locked in the house and unable to go out during daylight. Hence, she needed something to do. She says her accent is terrible, but she does speak it."
"I suppose that makes sense," Jessica said dubiously. "So, you want explosives?"
"Something along those lines." Louise looked down at the catalogue she'd brought with her. "Item One-One-Three-Slash-Four-Eight-Nine-Nine. You know—"
"Oh, yeah, that one. 'Kay, 'kay. Hmm. Well, it'll be international shipping, so that's three to seven days delivery time," Jessica said helpfully.
That had been much what Louise had expected. She had once enquired as to whether you could send living beings by the Abyss's mail system, but the shipping charges were extortionate and the consequences invariably fatal. Not to mention messy.
"Are you getting enough sleep?" Henrietta interjected. "Louise-Françoise, you sound exhausted."
"I am," Louise admitted, rubbing her eyes with the balls of her hands. "I'm going to take a day off soon, I promise. Just a day with nothing to do." She slumped down. "That'd be nice. Except… I really should get this done first. I can rest on the ship ride back home."
"No," Henrietta said firmly. "You should rest properly. You are a noble lady, and that means you need your beauty sleep."
"Thank you for reminding me," Louise said bitterly, running her hands through her hair. "And for your part, Henrietta, I have a question for you."
"Anything for you, my best friend!"
"Have you been doing necromancy again?"
"No," said Henrietta, at the same time as Jessica said "Yes".
Louise raised her eyebrows. "Jessica. What has she been doing?"
"Mostly trying to summon ghosts," Jessica said easily. "I don't know why she wants to keep it so secret. Ghosts are super-useful for getting information from, you know. 'Dead men tell no tales' is something necromancers say so you don't realise they're making dead men tell them everything."
Sighing, the overlady tried to think through the fog of tiredness filling her brain. That didn't sound so bad. Well, so bad by the standards of necromancy. It wasn't like Henrietta was killing people. Just desecrating the sleep of the dead. Which was still pretty bad, but… but… urgh. She just bet that Jessica knew how useful that sounded. They were probably conspiring together.
"Fine," she said gracelessly. "But limit yourself to that. Understood?"
"I understand," Henrietta said. "Honestly, Jessica, why did you need to go tattle on me?"
"Lying to her would just make her angry when she found out, Henri."
"I'm going to bed now," Louise said hastily, before the discussion could continue. "Maybe Cattleya will have answers for me when I wake up. Or at least will have got over her snit about having to interrogate a man."
"Uh," said Jessica. "When you say you told her to 'interrogate' someone…"
"I just told her to use her vampiric gifts." Louise paused. "You know, like how she persuaded that noblewoman to help her."
"…" said Jessica, or rather didn't say. "Did she take being ordered to do it well?"
"No, she was very pouty," Louise said with another yawn. "I'm sorry, but I'm falling asleep on my feet here and the magical tie to the main tower will collapse when that happens. We really must talk later."
…
Louise's sleep was disturbed. She dreamed of the rocks falling down from on high. She dreamed of the mangled bodies, half-buried without ceremony. But most of all, she dreamed of the visions of one of her many predecessors, and that terrible searing light that had killed the horrible vile woman. It hadn't taken very long, but it had hurt terribly.
It was still dark when she woke, feeling groggy and ill-tempered. Matters weren't helped when she accidentally backhanded herself across the face with a steel glove when trying to rub her tired eyes. Feeling dazed, she glared at her disobedient hand. She had forgotten to take off her left gauntlet when she went to bed. That had to be the reason she was wearing it. It wasn't that someone had snuck into her room when she was asleep and slipped it onto her hand. Oh, it wasn't that no one would do that sort of thing, because Gnarl not only would but almost certainly had. But he wasn't here right now.
Hmm. Unless he could teleport. She wouldn't put it past him. She was definitely sure he was hiding tricks from her.
As a result, it was a none-too-happy dark overlady of wicked machinations who went to check with her sister to see if she had found what she needed from the lord of Jiazha.
"Harrumph!"
"Hmm?" Louise rubbed her eyes, this time without steel in the way. "What was that, Catt?"
"I said," Cattleya said quite deliberately, eyes glowing a faint red, "harrumph!" She flopped out on a cushion-covered bench, back of one hand pressed against her brow. "Harrumph!"
"It is the morning, dearest sister," Louise said, resorting to sarcasm, "and I did not sleep well. I cannot discern your intent just from you saying 'harrumph'."
"Very well. I told you I didn't want to do this!" Cattleya said sulkily. She crossed her arms and pouted, with a hint of fang. "I didn't want to do this! I didn't w-w-want to sully myself with a man!" she said, lips wobbling.
"I just told you to crush his will with your evil vampire magic," Louise protested. "It wasn't anything improper to do!" She considered her sentence. "For a vampire, that is."
Cattleya gave an extravagant sigh. "You're so cruel and domineering, little sister! Think of the sacrifices I make for you! I d-defiled my virtue to exchange such an intimate gaze with some strange man – not even my fiancé!"
"Cattleya…"
"You don't understand how sensitive and intimate such things are to a vampire! To touch another's will, to feed off their blood – it is something private and emotional, a tender embrace which—"
A glare from Louise cut her off. "You pounce on soldiers and drain then," her sister said acidly.
"That's… that's… it's not the same. That's just… that's just drinking! That's entirely different from subjugating his will through the dark allure of my eyes!" But the admission had done critical damage to her position, and she knew it. "Well… fine! Very well! I hypnotised him! I dominated his will and made him tell me everything he knows and yes, there is a secret passage into Goicang and as one of the lords he knows the way to access it. You were right! Are you content?!"
Louise looked at her sister. She was shooting sidelong glances at her, and her lip was wobbling in a way which didn't look entirely feigned, though it did look somewhat exaggerated. "Yes, thank you," she said more gently. "Did he say something? Did he try to hurt you?" She considered the status of the lord of Jiazha. "Uh, with his one unbroken limb, I suppose."
"He said I didn't need to do this and… and he knew there was some good in me," Cattleya mumbled. "And his name is Mutik."
Pinching the brow of her nose, the overlady sighed. "Cattleya, there is good in you. You're helping me. I'm helping the princess. And he doesn't know all the facts. Emperor Lee wants him dead. I haven't killed him."
"Yes, but… you did have me hypnotise him with evil vampire powers to draw the memories out so you could break into a holy place and steal evil artefacts…" Cattleya said dubiously.
Louise had a very good reason for why she had her sister do that, and it only took her a little while to remember it. "That's because we need to steal the artefacts so they don't end up in Emperor Lee's hands," she said, crossing her arms.
"That's true, but…"
"Oh, Catt," Louise said, balling her hands into fists. How dare that little brat down in her cells make her big sister feel like that! "I do realise how bad it looks, but remember, we're doing it for the best reasons. We have to stop the evil Council and to do this, I need to take down the Madame de Montespan. And she's made a pact with an evil spirit, so we need to get the Athe-demon to remove its power from her." She leaned in. "Or else they'll kill Eleanore and I will not permit that."
Cattleya sighed. "I suppose so," she said, melancholy clear in her voice. "I... I… oh, I miss home."
That was safer ground. "I do too," Louise confided. "Just one last thing here, and we can go back away from this cold lonely place." She wrapped her arms around her room-temperature sister. "I'm sorry for making you do that, but I really really did need a backdoor into that place. And I know the magic there has killed a previous overlady."
"I suppose that does all make sense," Cattleya agreed, wrapping her little sister in an embrace. "Oh, Louise. You've grown up."
Louise beamed. "I suppose I ha—"
"Not so much height wise, or in the chest, but in other ways!"
"… thank you very much, dearest sister," Louise said eventually.
"Well!" Cattleya flicked her hair, and settled her shoulders. "I'm going out to get some fresh air! And I'm going to try to forget all about this!"
"The sun is up."
"I don't care! I am going for a walk in my daytime suit!"
Wearily, Louise let her go and massaged her temples. Hmph. Certain people who had inherited the de la Vallière feminine characteristics didn't know how lucky they were! Disgraceful! Just disgraceful!
Crossing her arms over her chest, Louise sighed deeply. She was eighteen. She had to face the facts now. The past two years might have been a little kinder, but… but at least she'd never have to worry about armour being too tight around the chest. She was built like Eleanore, and this probably wasn't about to change. Mother had been the same, until she'd had children – and that wasn't about to happen. Not for a long, long time. If ever!
Oh, she just bet that Emperor Lee had a harem of overly endowed floozies! She just bet it! Men!
Wait, no. This was Emperor Lee, she thought, feeling slightly better. He had probably outsourced the Imperial Harem to the state bureaucracy and reassigned the women to doing paperwork rather than sitting around, being useless and pretty and… and eating grapes seductively or whatever concubines did when they were not actively engaged in concubining. After all, he had called her 'not suboptimal'. She hugged herself. Maybe he'd call her that again after this!
… but later. First she had to steal her own damned treasures out from under his nose because there was no way she handing them over to him!
It occurred to Louise once again that perhaps her feelings about the Dark Dragon Emperor of Cathay were a little more mixed than was healthy.
What had she been thinking about before she'd got distracted, anyway? Oh yes. Cattleya. Flouncing off. Ungrateful for what the de la Vallière bloodline had graced her with. Yes, that. Still, she'd got the passcode from the young man, and that meant that Louise had her way in.
Now she just had to wait for the delivery of the special order she'd had Jessica place with her father.
…
Three to seven working days later, a sulphurous portal tore itself open in the courtyard outside the entrance to the lesser tower. A red-skinned demon whose face was covered in oozing boils emerged, walking over the de-animated frozen corpses of the minions. He was dragging a drab olive green casing behind him.
Fully armoured, Louise swept out with her minion 'honour' guard.
"Oi, package for the Overlady of the North aka the Steel Maiden," the demon hollered unnecessarily loudly.
"I am her," Louise said formally.
"Right." He thrust a sheet of parchment and a quill pen. "Sign 'ere to acknowledge receipt."
Louise scanned the form handed to her. "I do believe this is a contract giving you possession of my soul," she said through gritted teeth.
The demon made a mock show of examining the document. "Are you sure?"
"Yes. Quite sure."
"Oh, my mistake," he said, voice oily. "I must have 'anded you the wrong document. 'Ere's the form indicating receipt of the delivery, from my lord S'kareyeon."
After a suitable inspection, Louise deliberately pressed the thumb of her left gauntlet into the paper. A burning brand marked its place on the paper.
"Right you are, my love," the demon said with quite undue familiarity. "I'll be off, just my little joke, ain't nothing meant by it."
Louise watched him go. If she was cruel, wicked and vindictive she might burn him alive here. It had a certain allure. Or perhaps she'd use acid. He deserved to suffer for trying to steal her soul.
Fortunately, however, her common sense prevailed. She wasn't going to kill him here. Neither would she hurt the slightest hair on his head.
Nothing she could do would be as bad as what Scarron would do to him when she made a formal complaint.
Cheerfully whistling to herself, Louise ordered the minions to move the demon-made device inside.
…
Only the slightest sliver of moon was visible in the sky above Goicang. An icy autumnal breeze blew down from the mountains, reminding everyone that snow was coming soon. Louise had no reason to delay, especially since the moon was waxing and she didn't wish to be well lit for her dark deeds.
Not that she was being very evil, of course. They were just deeds that had to be done in the dark, because some people might not understand.
Somewhere on the other side of the city, Cattleya and a collection of entirely expendable minions were placing the demonic weapon. It wasn't the most powerful thing that Scarron was selling, of course. That was really expensive. It certainly couldn't break through the jade walls of Goicang.
But, Louise thought to herself smugly, it was only meant to be a distraction. And she was rather hoping that they would be remember this night for a long time to come.
Meanwhile, on precisely the opposite side of the city she was examining the exterior wall for the particular bit of ornamental wall that Cattleya had found out from the lord of Jiazha. Or, more strictly she was having the minions examine it, because they had much better night vision than her. Probably because they considered candles to be a meal.
"Oooh!" Fettid bounced up and down in front of Louise, barely visible save by the glow of her eyes. "Overlady! I has found the hidden lever!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yep! It are just where the oversister say it are. There are a statue of a man with a ginormous cock!"
Louise coughed. "That's, uh…" Certain images of the nature of the 'secret' lever filled her mind, despite her best attempts to keep them out.
"It are made of bronze and sitting on his shoulder. I wonder its eggsies taste like."
"You is dumb-dumb," Maxy observed. "Cocks is boy-clucksies. They no lay eggs. But Fettid are right, overlady. The statue with the man with the clucksy is just this way."
"Yes, yes," Louise said, blushing pinkly, as she followed Maxy. The tarnished statue of a monk with a cockerel on his shoulder and a demon's head in his hand clearly meant something in the local religion, but she was much more concerned about the fact that many of the other carvings and statues on the exterior of the looked quite demonic to her. What kind of civilised god had a tiger head? It wasn't a very sacred holy city in her quite definite opinion. Although it was apparently still holy enough that Cattleya would catch fire if she stepped inside, which was to be avoided and thus that was why she was on distraction duties.
Fortunately enough, the lever turned out to be the monk's tongue. Once it was pulled, a hidden door slid noiselessly open. The minions produced torches from under their clothes, and the reds had a lot of fun lighting them. Then the forces of Evil penetrated the impenetrable city of Goicang.
"What are this tunnel?" Maxy wondered out loud. "It sure are dusty."
"I is thinking they no is sending maids down here to clean up the place," Fettid said disapprovingly. "The oversister would no like this place. Because she would be all burny because it are holy."
"I've sometimes wondered why minions aren't affected by holy ground," Louise said, mostly in Maggat's vague direction. Her own gauntlet was getting rather warm and the air felt oppressive. She could tolerate it, but it wasn't comfortable. And that was just her armour. She wasn't literally made of Evil, unlike the minons.
Maggat grinned, baring dirty yellow teeth. "It no are that comfy, but it not at all like being killed. Vampys and ghoulies and stuff like that is just weak when they is running around being on fire."
"I do that for fun. Being on fire are just part of life," said Char, musket resting on his shoulder. "This are a place of un-urned priv-legs of the aristocracy and when the minions is free this are going to be a place what are for the triumph of the workers."
"Why are it un-urned?" Fettid asked.
"'Cause there ain't no urns around," Maggat said soundly.
"There's one!" Scyl said brightly, pointing at a broken container of grave ashes. "I think this tunnel are so they can run away. Except now we is running in."
Annoyingly, Louise agreed with Scyl. From her mother's war stories, many people liked to build secret escape tunnels. Louise knew not to trust them. Her mother had taught her that any escape route was also an invasion route, and that the knightly orders always made sure to scout them out before an attack on a villain's lair.
And this secret tunnel was quite… ineptly designed. It was clearly relying on its secrecy and hadn't experienced an actual break-in attempt for a long time.
Oh, certainly, here were a good number of traps and killing spells and the like which would have been problematic for most people trying to break in, but Louise had minions. Her screening curtain set off all the lethal traps only for the blues to bring the minions back raring for another go on the spike-traps or the flame-pits or the giant spinning blades. And things only got easier when the giant boulder dropped down from the ceiling and rolled down the passage, because the minions promptly started pushing it back the way it came.
"This no are a very bad trap," Maggat said sadly, as they walked over the top of shattered broken stone lion guardians whose war cry of 'Shi shi shi shi shi shi shi shi shi shi—' had been cut rather short when the boulder had flattened them. "I is thinking they has got all sloppy here."
"They no is keeping up with the imp-rovements in trap design," Maxy agreed. "They no is using any imps."
There was a rather final crunch as the redirected boulder flattened two jade lions, which let off a hissing scream as their guardian spirits were released. Then it hit the end of the corridor, rebounded and flattened several minions. When the pancake-thin minions were brought back and the boulder smashed by applied force, it revealed a door which had previously been ornate and decorated with graven carvings of local gods. It still technically was, but the rolling rock hitting them at full speed had erased much of the fine detail.
"Giant rocks is well useful keys," Maggat said happily. "Ready when you is, overlady."
"Not quite," Louise said grimly. "There's one last line of defences here. Magical wards of terrible potency."
"Terrible pote ants sea," Maggat said, stroking his chin and pretending to know what she was talking about. "Yes. Don't worry, overlady. We will kill the terrible ants for you! Even if they is in water!"
"I is gonna fish the ones out who is drowning in the sea with the ants," Scyl said.
Louise balled her left hand into a fist. She could feel the gauntlet pulse around her fist. It knew what was coming. Her de la Vallière blood pulsed eagerly in her veins, carrying her dark heritage. Reaching deep within her, she drew on that strength, that terrible boiling power within her. Words spilled from her lips in the Dark Tongue, guided less by memory and more by instinct.
Other people would have to study for years – decades – to grasp these black magics. She was born to them. Here, at the pivotal moment as raw power swelled around her and the blood-red gem on the back of her Gauntlet glowed like a tiny star, she could not deny it.
Plus, she'd just had to walk down a really long corridor having to listen to endless minionish stupidity and that was helping her build up quite considerable amounts of generalised spite at the world to fuel the spell with. Maybe that was what the first overlord had bred minions for. Just being around them built up low levels of negative emotions.
Slowly, she raised her left hand, and placed it upon the door in front of her. "Break," she commanded.
The power surged from her. And jade cracked and shattered.
Louise slumped to the ground in a faint. Sadly it was not an elegant ladylike faint, but instead sounded like a sack full of metal things being dropped down a flight of stairs.
…
Cattleya paused in what she was doing.
"Ooo-er," she said softly. "I felt that. What did you do, little sister?"
The firelight was growing closer. It looked distinctly like it was coming from burning torches, and some of the long shadows had a certain pitchforkian nature.
"Oh yes! Silly me! I shouldn't get distracted! What was I doing?" She paused and thought. Strictly speaking, she had planted the magical box where Louise had told her to. The fact that she was now somewhere Louise hadn't told her to go, doing something that Louise would have probably explicitly forbade her from doing if she had thought of it, didn't factor into things. "I was probably going to kill them all," she said, conversationally.
But something in her cold dead heart rebelled at that. Maybe she should be a little restrained. Only kill them if she was planning to eat them. Or if they were going to kill her. Or…
… well, she jolly well hoped her little sister was all right!
…
"Oi! Overlady!" These were the words that brought Louise back to consciousness, along with a kick to the ribs that left her armour ringing. This must be what a bell felt like, she thought blearily. "We is done looting. You is gonna need to wake up, or we is going to carry you out. And you is probably going to feel that it are un-dig-knee-fried if we is gonna do that."
She only moaned.
"I is gonna give her a kiss of life," Scyl said. "It are a medically approved treatment."
"No, no, I is the famed para-more," Maxy said solidly.
"I'm awake!" Louise managed, demonstrating that at some point she had apparently learned to cast Levitate, possibly through channelling the emotion of mind-consuming terror.
"See!" Scyl said, nodding. "The kiss of life are so effective that it work even when the kiss no are given. It are the uni-vertical pan aux seer."
"What that mean?" Char asked suspiciously.
"It are Gallian. It means 'bread with person what do future telling magic'," Scyl said.
"Wow," Fettid said dreamily. "Kisses is so roman-tick and bad at healing that they give you bread and magical powers."
Louise blinked woozily. She hadn't understood any of that, but that was just minions. What she did understand is that they said they had been quite busy looting the place.
Leaning heavily on her staff, she made her way into the hidden vault. Once it had clearly been a beautiful place, covered in holy symbols and with shrines to the local gods all over, all to confine the powerful Evil of the relics within. Then Louise had unleashed her dark magics against it. The gold had melted off all the shrines, the wooden prayer wheels had ignited, and the sacred bronze statues of a meditating fat man had warped.
The fact that minions had then pillaged the place and kicked in the heads of the sacred statues for looking at them funny didn't help matters either.
But at least there was a giant pile of Evil artefacts in the centre of the room.
Well, quite a large pile.
A medium-sized pile. If on the small side of things by the standards of things that were medium-sized.
"Weren't there meant to be more things in here?" Louise said shrilly. "They were meant to have lots… lots of powerful tools of Evil! Where are they?"
"Ah, yes," Maggat said, scratching his chin. "That are a bit of a bugger. I is guessing that they has been all thinky and they went and destroyed the Evil magic thingies whenever they could."
"They're not allowed to do that! That… that's cheating!"
"Yeah. That it are."
Louise took a deep breath and tried to settle herself. Maybe… maybe there was still something worthwhile! Rushing forwards, she knelt beside the diminutive pile. Rummaging through it, she picked out a badly burned book.
"Did you burn this?" she asked the minions.
"No, no, no!"
"Not at all, overlady!"
"Not one bit!"
"Y—"
Maggat clubbed Fettid over the back of the head. "What did we say, stoopid?" he growled. "The overlady is liking books."
Fortunately, Louise only heard the denials and waved off the twitching Fettid as just more minion-on-minion violence. If she had to pay attention to such things, not only would it waste her time but also she'd have to see more minion brains coming out of their ears than anyone ever wanted to. Flicking through the book, she gasped as she realised that it was written in archaic Romalian.
"Are it fun reading?" Maxy said innocently.
"Uh…" Louise muttered, more to herself than anything else. "So, uh. Day 127," she said slowly, tracing the words out with her finger. "Still in… uh. Still up this bloody cold mountain. Still having problems going… going where?" She shook her head. "Uh… Sasha is being… a very large dog. I'm sick of dry biscuits. Why are we still here? Haven't we destroyed everything? I keep on saying, I could just get some dragons to fly us out but no, I'm stuck here with Sasha the very large dog. And on top of that, I haven't been sleeping well. My right hand is hurting. I wonder if it's the cold or just the altitude." She shook her head. "I'll try reading some more, but it just looks like it's some hero's diary."
"Boring," Maxy observed. "That are just a bunch of heroes doing hero stuff. So they has already smashed up stuff."
"Looks like it," Louise said grimly. She resumed her rummaging. "Gold, jewels… well, that's something at least. And…" her hand brushed against something big and metal buried under a faded painting that hinted at horrors in shades of red and brown. "That's a mace," she said unnecessarily, after nudging the painting out of the way.
"Yes, that are," Maggat confirmed with equal lack of necessity.
"But I don't use a mace."
"No, you do not, boss-lady."
"I most certainly do not use a mace like that! It's… it… the head bit is bigger than my head!"
Maggat measured it up. "That it certainly are, overlady."
"I'm not sure I can even swing it!"
The minion looked at Louise, her general scrawniness and the way that she was currently a little out of breathe just from spending time in her armour. "I are thinking that are so, overlady."
"What am I meant to do with that?" she asked rhetorically, and quickly answered herself before she got some stupid minion suggestion. "Well, I'm taking it, of course." Stopping down, she wrapped her hands around the shaft and—
Hello again, old friend pulsed her gauntleted left hand and a surge of recognition pulsed all the way back up, kitten-warm.
Louise collapsed backwards, landing on her behind with a heavily armoured clatter. "Did you just talk?" she hissed at her hand.
"Yeah, 'cause I said 'I are thinking so, overlady'," Maggat said.
"Not you! My hand!"
The minions stared at the overlady. "If your hand could talk it would be a talky handy," Scyl contributed. "That are Germanian, that are. Handies is magical thingies that are talking over way big distances."
"Are it?" asked Fettid.
"The gauntlet talked to the mace!" Louise shouted, before things could degenerated further into minionese.
Again, she was faced with the disconcerting feeling of five minions looking at her like she was stupid. At most, she'd only had that with one before, and that had been Gnarl. "Well, yeah," Maggat said. "It are obviously some overlord's mace."
"The mental glovey and the big smashy macey are bee-eff-effs," Fettid said happily.
"What that mean?" asked Char.
Fettid shrugged. "I dunno. But the forgemistress say it. I think it mean they biff things together."
Louise let her head sink into her hands. "Fine," she said eventually. "Yes. The metal glove and the mace are fighting compatriots. Very well. Now, can we finish here and leave?" She wrapped her hands around the handle and heaved.
Uh.
She tried harder. This time, she managed to just about lift the handle, but getting the head off the ground was entirely beyond her.
"Well… minions, carry it for me!" Louise ordered sulkily. "Time to go leave this stupid place!" She glared at her gauntlet. "And oh yes! I'm watching you!"
Her left hand remained silently sinister.
…
Out they went, the minions carrying the rather small collection of loot, and then they silently snuck away from the high walls of Goicang. Cattleya was waiting for her at the designated point, on the high ridge overlooking the sacred jade city.
"Yay! You're alive!" Cattleya said gleefully.
"Did everything go as planned?" Louise asked.
"No, little sister, what you're meant to say next is 'Are you okay?'."
"Did everything go as planned?" Louise repeated.
"Mostly. Ish. The bits you told me to do, they were perfect. My dearest sister, you are a genius at planning. The thingamabob is exactly where you told me to leave it and no one saw me!"
"… so what went wrong, and why were you doing things I didn't tell you to do?" Louise said, unfairly using her dark and Evil heritage to ask the questions that Cattleya didn't want to answer.
"Ah… well, I might have had to rescue two poor innocent maidens from a cruel, rampaging mob." Cattleya gestured and two local women stepped out from behind a tree. "And I saved them! Wasn't I heroic?"
Louise folded her arms with a grating of metal, tapping her foot.
"But! The mob was so cruel and vicious that they were after them because they thought the poor girls had been consorting with a wicked cruel predatory local form of vampire which looks like a rotting corpse and jumps around because its legs are tied together."
"Had they been?"
"Oh, no. No, no, no. Not a chance. Why, I'd been with the pair of them all the time they were allegedly consorting with the wicked dead thing!"
Louise let out a slow groan. "And when did this happen? I can't believe you got in this much trouble in less than an hour."
"No, of course not. I first met them a few days ago. Don't you remember?" Cattleya said, holding her hand to her mouth in shock.
"No. I don't."
"No, no, you must. It was very recent. It was after you cruelly and wickedly forced me to sully myself with the mind of a man, but before the explosives from Scarron arrived."
Louise thought back. Cattleya had vaguely said something about going out to get some fresh air or something. She hadn't been paying much attention. Evidently that had been a mistake. "So… were you feeding on them?" she asked, glaring.
"No! Well, yes. But they really liked me! And I'd learned the local language from Rutik, so I wanted a chance to practice it! And they were dreadfully unhappy here! The backwards locals considered them to be witches, just because – alas – they were trying to escape arranged marriages and one of them was pretending to be a man so people would assume they were husband and wife. And the fact that some dreadful, horrid, terrible person accused them of being with a dead monster meant that when I went to see them, they were about to be killed! Now, of course, I heroically swooped in to save them and—"
"How many peasants are dead?" Louise reflexively asked.
"None. Well, hardly any. A few. Only the ones that attacked me or tried to hurt the poor sweet innocent girls," Cattleya said, making a well-prepared retreat through vocal terrain.
Louise glared at her. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I have hobbies of my own, you know," Cattleya said, sounding hurt. "You might be happy with minions, but I need female companionship. And, also, I was hungry and didn't want to kill anyone, so I had to find someone who didn't mind me sucking at their neck a little!"
Sighing, the overlady decided now was not the time for this argument.
"I'm going to keep them as maids. They're very friendly, and I'm teaching them Tristainian," Cattleya said happily. "I am sure they will just get alone splendidly with my other maids."
"How many do you need, Catt?" Louise asked wearily.
"A proper number to help me dress and undress," Cattleya said innocently. "But enough about me. Did you find what you were looking for?"
"I found some things," Louise said darkly. "Less than I might have hoped, but I do believe I found the weapon of an early overlord."
"Hurrah!"
"It's… less useful than it might seem," Louise said, gesturing at the mace.
"A somewhat smaller hurrah." Cattleya paused. "Are you going to set off the explosives?"
Louise frowned. And then she smiled, slowly. "When did I say I'd bought explosives along?"
"You didn't?"
"No." Reaching into her breastplate, Louise pulled out a slip of paper and cleared her throat. "K'omarnd Kohde: Elf'ah Tsulu Naenaer Phoktraut," she read in the Dark Tongue, each incantation rolling off her tongue. "Rise!"
Before the gates of Goicang in the distance, something glowed a spectral green-blue. An ephemeral torrent of wailing figures emerged, wailing in a cyclone of phantasmal energy.
"Uh…"
"Ghosts, Catt," Louise said. "Lots and lots of ghosts. They should nicely fill the area with spectral horrors and make it quite impossible for them to pursue us. And also make it rather jolly inconvenient for Emperor Lee, too."
"But wait," Cattleya said, frowning. "I thought you couldn't send…"
"Living beings," Louise agreed.
"Ooooooh." Watching the torrent of ghosts, Cattleya smiled, showing a lot of fang. "That is awfully clever. Does that mean we get to go home?"
"Yes," Louise said, with a sigh of relief. "Yes, it does."
…
And so a few days later, the windship launched from its minion-built cradle, sailing back towards the west. It had left some of the little goblinoids behind, to maintain the fortress and hopefully prevent any heroes from claiming it. However, silently Louise hoped that she'd never have to come back here again. They were leaving only just in time. The snows were coming early this year and there was a faint dusting of ice in the rigging.
Rubbing her arms together, the overlady decided she had done enough dark pondering over her success, and went inside to the warm of her cabin to treat herself to a glass of wine in celebration.
However, there was one person on the boat who was not celebrating, brooding, or doing whatever minions were left alone.
Mutik of Jiazha, lord and master of one of the great three families of his land, lay within his cell upon this boat. Both legs were broken, and one arm too. He had fallen into the hands of the forces of darkness. Damn the Dark Dragon Emperor and his servants! No doubt he was behind all the misfortune that had befallen him! He was going to…
…ow! He shouldn't make violent movements, no matter how filled with rage he was at the wicked ways of the forces of Darkness. It hurt to move. And yes those vile-smelling blue-skinned creatures might have splinted his limbs, but the pain was still there.
The only consolation and his only companion in this vile captivity was that pure-hearted and beautiful western woman who came to visit him. Not the dark and malevolent force of their leader, no, whose scowling face glared at him from under her helmet, no. But the beautiful woman with pale skin whose gentle eyes were the only respite from his pain and which let him see that kind heart that beat under her chest.
He sighed at that thought.
There came a knock at his door. Perking up, he tried to sit up as best he could with three broken limbs, which was not very well at all.
A strange occidental woman entered his cell, dressed in black and wearing a long mantle. Her pink hair fell fetchingly around her shoulders. Her face was round and soft and in other situations he would call it kindly. But there was a strange feel around her – a paleness beyond that of occidentals like her, a certain rigidity of feature, a detached look in her blood-red eyes.
Of course, because he was sixteen, the young man's gaze was rather preoccupied with the sweeping vistas below the neckline. They were expansive. They were pale and perfectly formed. He would have used the term 'décolletage' to describe it if it was not a Gallian word that he had never heard before of and also that as a sixteen-year old boy it was sort of out of his cognitive range at this present moment.
He sounded her name out. "Katorea," he breathed.
She reached out and carefully, gently put her fingers below his chin. With almost motherly delicacy, she lifted his chin until his eyes met hers.
"Eyes up, Rutik," she told him in accented, but understandable Cathayan. "And how are we feeling today?"
In a ship full of horrors, foul-smelling monsters and a wicked and cruel servant of the Dragon Emperor who stomped around the place and shouted a lot, she was the only one who showed him kindness.
He would see her saved from this dark fate. On his honour as a lord.
…
The autumnal leaves were falling outside in Amstelredamme. The canals were a particularly fetching shade of greenish brown, and the mosquitos from the fens were buzzing. Walking beside one of the cleaner channels, two women who some might have called old friends made their way to the jail.
Of course, the people who called them 'old friends' clearly didn't know them very well.
And that was confusing Magdalene van Delft because Françoise Athénaïs de Rochechouart de Mortemart, Marquise of Montespan, was being uncannily friendly to her. That wasn't something which had happened in a very long time. Not since the Red-Handed Sorority had ended so very poorly, with the Affaire des Poisons.
It had been one of Magdalene's first cults, and… well, if only she'd known back then what she knew now. At the very least, she'd never have let anyone bring up the subject of love potions. She should never had invited Françoise Athénaïs in the first place. Even if they had just been making up after a very awkward period which had begun with what had happened with them and Viscount Wardes in Roma and—
"You know, it is good to see you again," Françoise Athénaïs said out of the blue. She took a deep breath. "I remember when we were closer."
"So do I," Magdalane said, guardedly. She stretched her shoulders, feeling the weight of the baby within. The next few months were not something she was looking forwards to. "Though there were good reasons for that."
"They certainly seemed like good reasons at the time," the other woman agreed. She paused, looking out over the canals. "I must unreservedly apologise for my behaviour in the past. The dictates of power and the responsibilities of the Council have forced me to grow up."
"Not height-wise," Magdalene said, before she could help herself. The madame de Montespan existed below chin-level for the statuesque Lady von Delft.
Françoise Athénaïs laughed a little tinkling laugh. "Oh, Mag! You're so funny!" She turned, hands on her hips. "I know Jean-Jacques had talked to you again, and once again you have turned down the chance to work with me. Please, think again. You've always been smarter than me. And this is for the good of Tristain. We need to know more about," she dropped her voice, "the Abyssal intrusions. And I have always been more interested in vitalism."
"And wards, as well," Magdalene added.
"Oh yes." Françoise Athénaïs smiled. "I'm very fond of wards. But really, right now I'm more interested in vitalism. I got my hands on some just fascinating papers on Gallian work on chimeric revitrification!"
"Oh my. But… isn't that forbidden?"
"The Regency Council saw fit to grant the University the right to develop countermeasures – nothing more –to anything the Gallians try."
"Ah," Magdalene said, not believing a word. "Well, I suppose that's easy when half the University Council is in jail. Especially Eleanore de la Vallière. Thank you for letting me come along to gloat at her."
The Madame de Montespan smiled back. "Well, she is a deeply unpleasant woman," she said brightly. "I like to think I've done everyone a favour. And I did want to re-establish our old friendship."
"I do recall the better times," Magdalene said carefully, as they resumed their journey towards the jail.
"Just remember," Françoise Athénaïs said, pausing towards the gate. "My offer remains open. I will give you free reign to research the Abyssal intrusions, and if you still have a grudge – well, I'll give you your own department and a position on the University Council so you won't feel like you're my servant. How about Eleanore's old seat?"
"That's… very generous."
"Isn't it just!"
The university jail was a looming heavy stone structure within the grounds. Eleanore had been moved there on the grounds that the university had much more experience in containing dangerous evil mages than the normal tower. Indeed, through its long history it had frequently been the case that a good thirty percent of the mages at the university had been necromancers, infernalists, heretics, or some other servant of darkness. Therefore whenever the university went through one of its periodic housecleanings, it proved necessary to confine the miscreants before trial, or indefinitely if they had tenure. It also had lecture halls so prisoners could still give their scheduled classes.
Door after door of heavy, warded metal clanked open and the two women made their way to the innermost cell. The high white walls were illuminated with gas lights and the enchanted bars crackled with windstone sparks.
"Good morning," came the voice from inside the cell. "You've come again, Françoise Athénaïs. What, did you drag yourself away from Jean-Jacques' bed for my sake? I'm flattered, really, and no doubt he appreciates the rest."
"She seems to be in fine health," Magdalene said drily.
"Oh, and you're here too. How wonderful. Let's reunite the old gang. Do come in and sit down. Oh, wait. There are these enchanted bars in the way. I wonder whose fault that could be?"
Magdalene bowed her head to the woman in the cell. Eleanore de la Vallière sat on the bench facing the bars, chin resting on her folded hands. Her spectacles reflected the light from the gas lamps, obscuring her eyes entirely. She was wearing a white linen gown, provided by her captors, and a Brimiric pentagram hung around her neck. Her smirk was one of utmost contempt for the world and most specifically the two women standing outside her cell.
"You're looking well, Eleanore," Magdalene said as mildly as possible, as it would be the reaction that most annoyed her.
"Getting by, getting by. Not getting out at all, but you know how things are."
"No, strangely enough. I haven't been arrested and imprisoned in years. And that was a false allegation by the—"
"Yes, yes, the comte de Foix. Why are you here, Magdalene? Come to gloat?"
"Yes."
"That was a rhetorical question. Of course you're here to gloat." She cleared her throat. "Why don't you come closer? I hate to shout." Eleanore smiled, flashing her teeth. "I don't bite."
"You don't need to. Your bark is plenty venomous already."
The smile broadened. "Oh, Madgalene. How I've missed you. Why don't you offend Françoise Athénaïs and I'm sure she can put you in the cell opposite to me. It'd bring me great pleasure to see you there. All you'd have to do is call her out for the crook and fraud she is, and no doubt she'd imprison you too."
"Are you quite done?" the madame de Montespan said wearily.
"Oh, of course. I wouldn't want to get in the way of you coming along to just plead for me to help you investigate how the Abyss is breaking into reality." Eleanore adjusted her glasses, rising elegantly to stalk her way towards the bars confining her. "Oh, Eleanore, please do help," she said mockingly. "I can't do this on my own. I'll make things easier for you if you help. Please, please, please help me."
"No, apparently you're not done." Françoise Athénaïs shot a sideways glance at Madgalene. "She's quite boring, isn't she? And not half as clever as she thinks she is. She didn't want to help protect us all from the forces of the Abyss. Clearly a sign of her wicked nature, I'm afraid. Although I didn't beg, I would like to say in the interests of clarity."
"Help me, help me," Eleanore said mockingly.
"Very boring indeed. Well, I must be going," Françoise Athénaïs said. "Let yourself out when you've finished mocking her, Magdalene. Try to hurt this most unpleasant woman's feelings, if you would. I have a meeting with my confessor and some of us actually have important things to do today."
"You have a confessor?" Eleanore drawled. "You? How could you have anything to confess?"
"For your information, Friar Étienne Guibourg is quite excellent," Françoise Athénaïs replied snippily. "I would recommend you a priest, but no doubt you would drive him away like you did poor Étienne."
"Why would I need one? I have nothing to confess," Eleanore shot back. "I am entirely innocent—"
Magdalene spluttered in amazement, shocked at the barefaced affront of that falsehood.
"—of the alleged crimes you arrested me for," she continued, glaring at Magdalene. "No doubt you would take requesting a confessor as a sign of guilt."
"You are guilty, and here you will remain," the madame de Montespan said snootily, turning on her heel and leaving. The heavy metal door slammed behind her, echoing down the corridors
There was silence in the room.
Magdalene looked at Eleanore. "You do realise that isn't Marzipan, don't you?" she said. "She was far, far too nice to me on the way over, and even her insults don't sound like her."
Eleanore gave a disgusted snort. "Of course I do. I realised months ago, when she stopped coming to gloat as frequently. I'm bored in here, not stupid. So how are you doing, my sweet cousin? I notice you're either getting fat or you're pregnant. I suspect you'd prefer the former."
Magdalene winced. "I see being locked up hasn't softened your tongue at all." She raised one eyebrow. "Although I notice you haven't lost any weight despite the prison diet. In fact, I think you've put on weight – and you don't have the excuse of pregnancy, unlike me."
"Hmm. Five out of ten. Predictable, and not opening any new lines of attack – though yes, out of boredom I have had my familiar bring me comfort food. So, Mag, I will merely point out that you're a wicked and degenerate foe of all righteousness who is right to lurk in the shadows, given your taste in clothing."
"Three and a half, at best. You've used that one before," Magdalene sniffed. "Incidentally, your toy boy has abandoned you and has now taken up with Pierre-Jacques. Such a shame for you, that you scared him off women forever."
Eleanore smirked. "If you believed he was my toyboy, you are sadly misinformed. Unlike you, I am capable of being friends with a man without bringing romance into things."
"Oh, poorly done," Magdalene said. "Personally, I would have chosen to mock me for a loveless marriage, not bring up slander of non-existent affairs."
That produced a plaintive sigh from Eleanore. "I'm in prison, Mag. I'm hardly overburdened with fresh material that isn't aimed at Marzipan. And I can't aim any jibes at the spirit possessing her without letting it know that I know that it exists. So far it doesn't even know that I know about it."
"Poor you. My heart bleeds for you. Really."
"How is your corruptive malignant cult subverting the morality of our nation?"
Magdalene rolled her eyes. "As dense as usual, if you must know."
"You know, the fact that your cult is so useless indicates that there is still good in you. You know what you're doing is wrong. And so you can still be sav—"
"Blah blah blah blah blah," said Magdalene wearily. "How goes being a figure of hate for the Regency Council and the supreme self-righteous bitch in all the land?"
"Landed me in jail, as you well know." Eleanore chuckled. "And incidentally, Magdalene?"
"Yes?"
"Do tell your new mistress I want to talk."
Blinking, Magdalene tried to keep a straight face. "I don't do such things with wo—"
"Don't act stupid. You're not Marzipan." The amusement was gone from Eleanore's voice. "You're now a servant of the overlady of the North. Well, an ally, at least. I might be imprisoned, but I'm not a fool. I might not know everything that goes on in this city, but I know rather more than you or Marzipan. So tell the overlady that I want to speak with her."
"She's not in the…" Magdalene paused. "Oh, bugger. Now you're going to be smug about me confirming your suspicions."
"Of course."
"How do you manage that?" Magdalene hissed. "You are literally imprisoned. How on earth do you have an intelligence network like this?"
Eleanore's lips curled up in a cruel smile. "I'm a de la Vallière of the main line. You're just from a cadet branch. I've been bred to rule over Tristain as a dark queen, while you've been bred to be my subordinate. The Duke's blood curse still chains you. There's a little bit of you that wants to be told what to do by me."
"You can pontificate all you like about that, but you were the one caught by Marzipan of all people," Magdalene said bitterly. "Going on about ancient blood-ties of servitude doesn't mean much when you're in jail and I'm not."
"I wouldn't be in jail if I didn't want to be."
Magdalene sniffed. "That's only true in the literal sense. She's got you in a position where if you break out, you prove her right."
"And the fact that she's now possessed by a powerful evil spirit indicates she had to make a soul-pact with a dark god or a demon lord or something to beat me. It's the only way to explain it."
Shaking her head, Magdalene sighed. "And now you're pretending to buy into your own self-aggrandisement, just to get on my nerves."
"Would I do—"
"Yes. Yes, you would."
Eleanore chuckled. "Well, indeed. Now, away from such whimsical distractions." She cracked her knuckles. "Your overlady has a personal grudge against the Regency Council. As I have them to thank for my current residence, I'm hardly well-inclined to them either. So I wish to speak with her. I'll destroy her in time, of course – but right now I have bigger things to worry about."
"Why would she help you, if you plan to destroy her later on?"
"Well," Eleanore said, shrugging, "for one, that'll mean she delays having me as an enemy."
"I'm still free, despite your braggartish words," Magdalene said, eyes narrowed. She leaned back against the cold stone wall behind her, arms crossed. "Why should I take that so seriously?"
"There are two reasons I haven't taken you down yet," Eleanore said. "Firstly, your cults are so inept at furthering the goals of Evil that I decided long ago that you were actually structuring them partly as a social club for bored young women who want to flirt with darkness but would rather not see the end of the world, and partly as a way to scam dark gods and demons while not actually following through on matters such as 'selling your souls' or 'inviting their dark majesty into the world'."
"Go on."
"And secondly, being married to your utmost pig of a husband is far worse punishment than anything I could do to you. At least death would be an escape."
Magdalene sighed. "You make an alarmingly good case. I'll talk with the overlady – although it may take some time. She isn't in the country at the moment."
"Oh, I know that. That's why her Voice is acting in her place."
"You're good."
"Oh, I am Good."
"Not nice, though."
Eleanore smiled. "I never said I was nice, no." She essayed a small wave. "Bye bye, now. Don't be a stranger, old friend."
…
