Chapter 32: Don't compare yourself.
I don't pay attention to where I'm going, just hoping to get away from everything, to not have to face anyone else. My tears blur my vision anyways, so it's not like I can even see where I'm going.
Eventually, I stop and sit down with my back pressed against the wall. Then I take a look around to make sure that I'm alone. Once it seems the empty hall will indeed stay empty, I allow myself to relax and focus on calming down and wiping my tears. I thought my eyes would be dry by now. At this pace I'll end up dehydrating by the end of the day just because of how many tears I've shed.
After I've managed to stop crying by imagining cutsie little animals doing cutsie little things (which in my current state of mind is easier said than done), I decide that I'm too tired to move from this spot for a while, and close my eyes in order to maybe take a little nap.
Just my luck, when I'm about to let sleep consume me, I hear voices approaching from my left side.
"I tell you, professor Finnelan, there's not enough money to buy decorations for the Samhain festival." Babcock says.
"Then take it from somewhere else. Buy less food; the girls could surely afford to lose a few pounds." Is Finnelan's response.
I feel a shudder run down my spine. My least favorite professors are coming my way, and after what happened yesterday I wouldn't trust myself not to yell at them and cause a scene. I also doubt they'll be lenient and not chastise me for skipping classes today, or for my disheveled appearance, or for (accidentally) listening to their private conversation.
So I do the only logical thing; get up in a hurry, open the door to my left, get inside the room and close it. All of it as quickly and quietly as possible. Then I pause, to listen attentively until they are gone. But of course, they stop just outside of my hiding place to have a long chat about school finances.
I must be the student with the worst luck in the whole history of Luna Nova.
I let out a groan, but with nothing else to do aside from waiting, I decide to look around the place I just locked myself into.
It's some kind of store room apparently, with many dusty boxes and cloth-covered materials lying around with no apparent order. A small window on the far end of the room is the only source of light. With a shrug, I decide to look around and see what I can find. Maybe something interesting is lying around here just waiting to be discovered. Plus, a little treasure hunt will help get my mind off my problems for a while.
I start peering into random boxes, finding only old wands, a pair of shoes and a Nightfall volume. Then I pull one of the cloths to reveal the object that's under it, coughing when a cloud of dust lands over me. When it clears, however, I'm surprised to find my own reflection staring back at me.
Gosh, I look like a walking disaster. My clothes are all wrinkled, my hair is messy and my eyes are bloodshot and swollen. My face also looks sad, no matter if I try to smile. Actually, faking a smile just makes me look even worse.
I hate you. I say to my reflection inside my mind. Why can't you be more like Croix? Or just about anyone else? Then you wouldn't have gotten yourself expelled.
Just as the thought crosses my mind, the image on the mirror flickers and turns into that of my best friend. All prime and proper, with her hair perfectly combed and a self-sufficient smirk on her face.
"Croix?" I ask. And the lips on the mirror move as well. I jump, the "reflection" doing the same. Quickly, I run to look at the window, and see my own reflection on the crystal surface. Then I return to the mirror and see Croix's instead.
A magic mirror? I think as I place my palm against the cold surface. What kind of mirror is this? I know some can be very dangerous.
Just as I think that, the place where my hand is touching the mirror turns into a gooey substance the color of metal… and starts sucking my hand in. I stifle a scream and try to fight back, digging my heels on the floor. But the force is too big for me to counteract it on my own.
As I try to reach for my wand, however, I lose some concentration, enough for the mirror to take the opportunity to give me a hard tug that ends up making me fall head-first into the magical artifact.
I open my eyes and see I'm… in Croix's Lab? What? What's going on? As I turn around, however, I see a few things are rather odd about it. For once, Croix's technological pieces, like her computers, cellphones and other things she keeps to experiment on, are lying all around the place, together with some books. And there are also some discarded ramen cups here and there. The couch is covered in weird stains and her grey hoodie is lying on it, as well as her hat and vest. Weird. It's almost like it was before I put some order in here.
When my eyes land on the desk, I see Croix sitting at it, her hands wearing thick leather gloves, as she works on some new contraption.
"Croix!" I exclaim, approaching her, glad to find her here even if the situation is rather weird. "What are you doing? Why is everything so…?" Before I can finish my sentence I try to place my hand on her shoulder to get her attention, but it passes right through her, like I'm made or mist or something. "What? What's going on? Croix?" I ask, starting to panic, but she doesn't seem to hear me and remains working on what she's doing like I'm not even there.
As I inspect her more closely, I see that her glasses have black frames, unlike the ones she has now, and her hair is also slightly longer. Over all, she looks exactly as she did when I first met her, so… could this be some sort of memory? But her arm isn't placed on a sling…
In that very moment, Croix takes out her wand and points it to the thing she's working on as she places her right hand over it. It appears to be some sort of scanner, like the ones in the supermarket, but with a few modifications made by Croix. I have no idea what it does though.
But just when she approaches the glowing tip of her wand to the thing in question, probably trying to infuse it with magic, there's a blinding light and a deafening sound. I stumble backwards in surprise, closing my eyes and putting my hands over my ears on instinct, and stay in that position for a few seconds, waiting for whatever happened to clear out. I think it was an explosion, or something… wait.
I slowly open my eyes and see that, effectively, the desk is now all covered in pieces of what once was the scanner and is blackened by the fire. And on the floor, next to a fallen chair is…
"Croix!" I scream, running towards her as I see her clutching tightly her right arm and clenching her teeth, barely being able to stifle the whimpers of agony. I want to help her, but I can't touch her. Yet, if this is really a vision of the past, I believe this is the part where I burst through the door and help her, right? This is where we meet.
But the seconds pass and I don't come in. The door remains closed and my friend keeps lying on the ground alone, staring at her injured arm and fighting back tears.
"What happened up there?!" Professor Finnelan's voice is heard from far down the stairs, cutting me off before I can say anything else. Croix's eyes immediately widen in fear.
"I don't know." This time we hear Professor Babcock's voice. "I came to investigate as soon as I heard the explosion."
Oh no. The professors are here, and without me how is Croix supposed to escape punishment? She'll be expelled!
"Headmistress Finnelan." Croix breathes out, looking frantically around for a way to escape.
"Headmistress Finnelan?!" I repeat, wondering if I'm trapped in some sort of nightmare.
"Fuck." She curses as she gets up and stumbles her way back towards her desk, where she opens one of the drawers and starts throwing things out of it as she searches for something. Sure enough, soon her left hand grabs a green vial and she goes to pour it all over the door before taking her wand with her right hand and, shaking slightly (no doubt from the pain), pronounces the spell.
Of course Croix could do this on her own! Why did I even think otherwise? She'll be fine.
"Vera Gurasidia." The door is immediately surrounded by a green glow that then fades, just like that time, and as soon as this happens, Croix collapses on the ground, dropping her wand and clutching her hand again as beads of sweat descend from her forehead, her skin turning sickly pale… except her right hand which is now… purple?
"Oh no. Croix…" I go kneel next to her, trying to comfort her somehow, but just then the scene shifts.
I find myself in Croix's secret lab once again, watching her scribble (with her left hand) a few notes before groaning in frustration, ripping the paper sheet off and tossing it somewhere in my direction. Oh! I remember this, it was a few days after we met. But I'm supposed to be helping her!
Oh, well. She's Croix. And I'm just a dunce. She'll manage by herself. She'll probably even make more progress without me distracting her.
"Stupid thing." She groans, eying her sling with more hatred than I've ever seen reflecting in her eyes. I see her reaching to take it off, and I instinctively yell at her, even if I know she can't hear me.
"Wait, Croix!" But of course she still takes off the sling. I try to stop her, but my hands pass right through her. "Croix, you're going to hurt yourself!"
Yet, despite not being able to hear me, as soon as she looks at her hand and tries to move it around, she flinches. Frustrated tears start building up in her eyes and then, with a sigh, she puts the sling on again and grabs the feather with her left hand, proceeding to write again.
I manage to take a peek before the scene shifts again, but I can't understand a thing.
This time I'm out on the field, and it's apparently the Broom Relay race. Every team is here with their respective brooms, doing stretches and warm ups for the event. I smile fondly when I see Enid and Anaid being super excited about competing against each other and finally settling who of the two is faster. Though I do wonder how they will do without me to take the win.
"Just you see, Anaid, I'll wipe the floor with every single one of you!" Enid says confidently. "I've been practicing, you know?"
"If you can call that practicing." Karen comes from behind her, wearing an arrogant smirk. "I saw you. You were just lazily flying around with no real purpose." She laughs. "There's no way you're going to win."
"Karen, you shouldn't be so mean with her." Amelia cuts in. "You should concentrate on your flying, if you want to have a chance at this."
"No one asked for your opinion." She answers, frowning, before turning around and leaving her alone with the twins.
Oh, yeah. I remember them being kinda at odds at first. But it's so weird seeing them like this, since they have been friends for so long now!
"I hope you're not planning anything." Amelia says to the twins in a disapproving tone. "I doubt Headmistress Finnelan will be so lenient this time."
Then she also turns around and, placing her broom between her legs, chants the levitation spell and flies away.
Soon enough, everyone else positions themselves in their respective starting lines. Of course, Molly is the first one of the yellow team, and Katherine of the pink one, as I remember. On the orange team, however, there's a girl with long brown hair done in twin braids that I haven't seen before. My replacement, I guess?
Professor Nelson's whistle sounds and instantly all witches are off, flying as fast as they possibly can. Some girl from the red team takes the lead. I kinda remember her being somewhat fast, but if I'm correct, Molly was faster. Though that may be because of Enid's competitive spirit making her push her teammates to their limits. Now she's confident she will win despite everything because, well, Enid is one of the fastest people in the school. I guess she didn't practice with her team because of that.
The baton is soon passed to the second person, the red team still being on first, with the green team on the second position, orange in third, purple in forth and pink and yellow alternating on fifth and sixth. These are the positions when the last part of the race starts.
Karen loses a few seconds yelling at Amelia for being so slow, but she's as fast as I remember, and doesn't have any problem staying in third place, even if the twins are starting to catch up with the others, getting now on fourth and fifth places, respectively. Though the girl from the purple team continues giving them trouble.
Anaid is clearly getting frustrated for not being able to catch up with her twin because she has to constantly worry about the purple team girl. And so, she takes out something resembling a peanut and throws it behind her. The object hits the other competitor and… turns her into a teddy bear. Then she falls to the ground.
Wait… was that a magic tool?
"Enid! You didn't say it would do that!" Anaid yells.
"She'll be fine." Enid shrugs. "Now, come on, I think we have a bigger problem ahead of us." As she speaks, she comes head to head with Karen herself, who looks at her with disdain.
"Oh, look, the two troublemakers do know how to fly." Karen taunts. "But the question is, which one of you will arrive last?"
"Shut up, Karen. We'll make you eat your words!" Enid answers, looking mischievously at Anaid.
"I'm not sure about this, Enid." Her sister responds in a nervous tone.
Honestly, even if I don't know what she's planning, I wish to stop her. More so knowing Karen really isn't as bad as she seems. But alas, I'm forced to be just a spectator.
"Come on, I promise nothing bad will happen." Enid says nonchalantly, getting out her wand and two items that look like a candy and a hazelnut. "Don't you want to win? Or at least arrive in second place, I guess."
"I swear if something happens, I'll make you fully responsible." Anaid sighs, getting out her second item; a nut. Then she throws it as hard as she can, Enid doing the same, and they hit their marks with scary accuracy. Their three opponents turn into stuffed animals and fall to the ground, but Enid, not content with just winning, catches Karen on the air and grips one of her rabbit ears a little too tightly.
I wince. I know firsthand that, even while turned into an object, you can feel everything.
"Well, Karen, looks like even you couldn't avoid being caught in one of my pranks. I hope you enjoy your humiliation." She laughs, eying her with malicious eyes, proper of someone who is enjoying revenge a little too much. But she doesn't look where she's going.
"Enid! Watch out!" I yell as I see her dangerously approaching a pillar. Yet, of course, she can't listen to me, and ends up hitting it face first and falling from her broom. Yet, the stuffed rabbit she was holding gets stuck in one of the branches of a bush growing in the pillar.
A ripping sound is heard and, when Enid hits the ground, she's only holding one ear.
I don't have to be an expert to know what that means for Karen.
Before I can recover from the shock of seeing one of my friends accidentally maiming another, the scene shifts again, and I'm inside Croix's lab seeing her work herself to death. Almost literally.
As I sob, trying to forget the traumatic vision I just experienced, and reminding myself that none of this is real (probably), I approach my best friend, taking in her appearance. She has huge black bags under her eyes, she has lost a lot of weight since the last time I saw her, which shows in the way her uniform hangs around her lithe body. Her hair is messy and dirty, and she smells like sweat, which I guess means she hasn't showered in a few days. But worse of all is her devastated look.
Her eyes are wet with tears she refuses to let fall, even though she looks like she really needs to. Her gaze is angry as she stares at her messy notes, only slightly more understandable than last time. Her entire body is shaking with pent-up frustration, but even when the first tears fall from her eyes, she still refuses to cry openly; she keeps holding herself back.
"Croix." I practically whisper, feeling my own tears forming. I reach out to touch her shoulder in a show of comfort, but my hand passes through her, and my friend keeps crying in the solitude of her secret lab, with no one to comfort her. I don't think I've ever seen her as helpless before.
"To hell with it!" She suddenly yells, getting up and ripping the sling and bandages off her arm. Wait… bandages? What…?
Before I can process what's happening, she takes out her wand, using her right hand, and walks towards a cauldron with determination. I yell at her to stop, knowing full well what she wants to do, but even as I step in front of her, she passes through me and gets to her objective. And I'm powerless to stop her from mixing various ingredients with scary accuracy before aiming her wand and infusing the potion with magic.
Needless to say, the results aren't pretty.
She grits her teeth as the magic comes out of her wand, the veins in her hand protruding and previously-invisible scars glowing in a red light that doesn't feel natural at all. This is so wrong! In the real world she was simply unable to use her right hand to cast magic, and it pained her even when she did it with her left hand, but this… I think she's hurting herself even further!
And all of this is because I wasn't there to help her. I wasn't there to do the magic she couldn't do.
Finally, she lets go of the wand with a scream, and rushes to grab a spoon and take a sip from her concoction. With desperate eyes, she looks at her now sickly-purple arm, obviously waiting for something to change. For her cure to work. I cross my fingers, wishing with all my might that it will work; that Croix will stop suffering.
But nothing happens. And she lets out the most pained and angered scream I've ever listened to as she knocks the cauldron off its base. I flinch, feeling my heart clench as I watch her suffering without being able to help her. Then it gets worse, when she keeps screaming and crying as she throws objects around her lab before proceeding to punch the walls, drawing blood from her fists in the process.
I try to stop her, hoping against hope that this time I will be able to somehow make a difference in this nightmarish world I'm trapped in. But alas, it doesn't work that way. At the end, we both collapse into the floor, crying. But she's in much more pain than me, and not only in the physical sense. I can hear her lamenting between sobs.
"W-who am I kidding? It's useless. I'll never be able to use magic again." She says as she wipes her tears only to have more fall down her eyes.
Knowing what magic means to her, I feel the urge to hug her, to reassure her and fight until I can find a solution to her problems.
Needless to say, I've never felt more powerless in my whole life.
The scene shifts again, yet I remain curled up and crying, uncaring of what Karen is saying just a few feet away from me. But I still listen, hoping her voice will somehow be able to calm me down.
"Amelia, you can't be serious about going away." She says, frustrated. "No school is better than Luna Nova for learning magic."
"I can very well do whatever I want." She snarls. "I just can't stand you being so insufferable!"
"Ha! Look who's talking. Just because I yelled at you yesterday doesn't mean that…"
"It wasn't just yesterday!" She cuts her off, clearly angry. "Ever since what happened at the broom relay you've been lashing out at everyone without reason!"
"Well, can you blame me? Those girls should have been given a greater punishment. It was totally unfair, look at what they did!"
"They got expelled, what else do you want?!" Amelia yells back, and this time I do look up to see her through my teary eyes. Her face is red for how mad she is, her fists clenched, and she's wearing traveling clothes. Her bags are also laying on the ground, already packed for her departure.
My roommates (or I guess, not-my-roommates) keep having a staring contest, looking at each other with such hatred I wished the scene would just melt away.
Why? Why does this alternate reality have to be so horrible? Why can't they just be friends?
I close my eyes for only a moment, but when I open them again, the scene has shifted. Now I'm at the forest of Arcturus, and Croix is sitting on a trunk near me, clearly hiding from something. Her white robes are dirty and ragged, stained with a red substance that I'm almost entirely sure is blood. Her broom is nowhere to be seen and her bag of supplies looks almost empty, like she's been here for days.
She's breathing heavily, her body is battered and for the desperation in her eyes I can assume something very bad is about to happen.
I don't want to see. But I also can't bring myself to close my eyes.
Croix brings out her wand and holds it tightly with her right hand… which now is black with her veins protruding and glowing with a red light. The sight is something truly terrifying. I don't know what she's been doing to herself, but it can't be good. And why did she even come here alone? She said herself that this forest is something beyond dangerous, and in this weird reality she can't even use magic without hurting herself! What was she thinking?!
A piercing screech is heard not too far away from here, making me jump a little, while Croix only trembles and clenches her teeth. She has a resigned look on her face as she eyes her arm, probably realizing it won't resist casting another spell. But really, what option does she has, when there's obviously a monster after her?
"Run." I plead, but even as I say it, I realize she's probably too tired already. She can't even get up when she tries.
A giant chicken suddenly appears from behind the trees that were hiding its massive height before, screeching again and opening its peak menacingly, showing off razor-sharp teeth.
"Please run." I say again.
"M-Murowa!" Croix is barely able to cast the spell, her hand trembling uncontrollably as a few cracks start appearing on her skin, revealing more red-colored light inside it. But the monster easily evades it, and stalks closer to my friend.
"No, please. Not Croix." I plead to whoever is giving me this visions to stop. It's too much. I can't see Croix die. I couldn't stand it. "P-please."
Her hand starts trembling to the point she drops her wand, like she's not able to control it anymore. She can only stare at the monster for a moment, realizing what's about to come, before closing her eyes and clenching her fists.
"I'm sorry mom. I failed you." She says just before the beasts prepares itself to land the final strike…
I gasp as I land on the floor, hitting my backside with enough force to get all air knocked out of my lungs. I rub my eyes, trying to get rid of the tears and clear my vision enough to take in my surroundings.
Turns out, I'm back the storage room, lying on the floor and looking at the mirror. Even if it's already dark outside, the reflection seems to have its own glow, allowing me to see, instead of myself, the familiar figure of…
"Professor Woodward?" I ask confused. My voice comes out raspy because of how much I've been crying lately.
"Hello, Chariot." She greets me with a nod of her head. I just gape at her for a few seconds before I'm able to finally say something.
"Are you… did you do all of that?" I ask.
"You mean, the visions I gave you?" She raises an eyebrow.
"Yes!" I practically yell, mad at the ancient spirit for making my life even more miserable than it already was.
"Did you learn your lesson?" She says, amused by my reaction. I grit my teeth, refraining from doing something rash like smashing the mirror into pieces.
"What lesson was there to learn? You only showed me my friends suffering! Croix most of all. And I couldn't even do anything because I didn't exist in that universe!" I scream in anger as I get up on shaky legs. I even have to seek support on one of the boxes, in order not to fall.
"But why were your friends suffering?" She presses, unfazed by my outburst. I briefly consider running away from this mean spirit-lady but, I think, if there's really something to be learned from the horrible things I just saw, I should at least make an effort to understand. She's supposed to be like my mentor or something, right? And I'm still the wielder of the Claiohm Solais, even if I was expelled from Luna Nova. I have a duty to the world and, most importantly, to Croix, to unlock the seven words of Arcturus.
And with a sigh, I pause to try and consider what Woodward was trying to show me.
"Let me give you a clue." Woodward speaks when I stay silent for too long. "What was different?"
"D-different?" I stutter, not really knowing what to answer. "Well, many things…" I trail off, unsure if I should start listing everything. When Woodward just keeps looking at me, I take that as my cue to continue. "For once, I didn't seem to exist, and…"
"Exactly." She cuts me off. "What I showed you was what would have happened if you didn't exist." She smiles. "Everything else that changed was a direct consequence of that."
"Even Finnelan being the Headmistress?" I shudder involuntarily at the memory.
"Yes." She nods. "You are the only reason Miranda Holbrook hasn't retired yet. Having known you for so many years, she wanted to be here to see you bloom into a powerful witch."
"But she still expelled me." I make a face at the memory.
"After giving you far too many opportunities." Woodward reminds me. "I'm sure she believes that Luna Nova isn't the best place for you, and that your talents would be better appreciated elsewhere."
"If I had any talents." I point out.
"You are being far too harsh on yourself, Chariot."
"How can't I? I mean, everyone in this school is far better at magic than me! Specially Croix! She can solve just about any problem with a flick of her wand, and has all the information she needs at her disposal!" I yell, frustrated. "She's just so amazing. I wish I could be like her." I'm practically whining at this point.
"You shouldn't compare yourself with others." Woodward keeps talking calmly. "It isn't fair for you. Everyone is unique in their own way; everyone has different stories, different ways of seeing the world."
"But…" I start protesting, yet I'm promptly interrupted by the ancient witch.
"I know sometimes it's difficult to see your own talents, or your own accomplishments, more so when those around you can't either." She chuckles. "Believe me, I lived in a time when witches were being hunted and burned. I know a thing or two about people not appreciating what you do." She makes a pause. "But that doesn't mean your talent isn't there. You just have to see it yourself, before you can try and make other people see it too."
"Uh…" I blink, unsure about how to respond to that. I mean, after all, it's not like I can't do anything. Just that what I can do is useless, or too easy, so most people wouldn't consider it a talent.
"Why don't you take a stroll and think things over?" Woodward suggests. "Reflect on the visions, remember your past, and try to discover what is it that only you can do."
"Uhm… okay. I guess?" I answer. It's not like I want to go to my room yet anyways. Or to Croix's lab for that matter.
"Oh, and before I forget." She opens her arms and a green light appears in front of me, I instinctively reach for it and, as soon as it takes a solid form, I find myself holding the Claiomh Solais in my hands. "Maybe it will help you get your answer." She smiles. "See you soon, Chariot."
When I look at the mirror again, she's already gone.
A/N: Well, that's enough emotional trauma for poor Chariot. For now, anyways XD. I hope you liked this chapter, and please leave a review/favorite/follow to support me. See you in two weeks!
Thanks to my beta reader moonwatcher13.
