Chapter 39: Relationships and trust.
I'm munching on my potatoes, concentrating intently on each movement of my teeth. Crush, release. Crush release. I don't want to think about anything else. I don't want to think about the loveshroom. I don't want to think about… her. Oh gosh. Croix. Why…? How…? I don't… I can't even form coherent thoughts when she appears on my mind. It's ridiculous! She doesn't have any right to be so… so… perfect.
With those damn green eyes. So enigmatic. So alluring. So beautiful. And… that stupid hair! Such a unique color. Such a messy style. So fluffy! I just want to run my hands through it until she falls asleep in my arms! Is that weird? Gosh, it sounds so weird! But… it feels so natural. It feels like I'm really, truly and irrevocably in love with her.
And… and she doesn't even want to see me.
My heart clenches at the mere thought, leaving me almost breathless, but I quickly stuff my mouth with more potatoes before I can dwell in it too much; concentrating on munching on my food instead.
Ugh. It's only been two days! How am I supposed to survive the week? Or worse. The month? The year? Gosh, I hope it doesn't take that long.
But there's really only one way to end my torture, isn't it? And… just thinking about it makes my stomach turn with anxiety.
"Chariot!" Enid calls, clearly annoyed, and I look up, startled. Judging by the twins' faces, it seems they've been trying to get my attention for quite some time. I smile sheepishly.
"Y-yeah?" I say.
"What's gotten into you? Are you in love or something?" She half-jokes, but my body immediately reacts at her accusation, blushing madly before I can stop myself.
I try to mumble an excuse, but I only manage some indiscernible squeaks that don't really resemble words.
"Oh my gosh, you are!" Anaid exclaims happily as she gets up from her chair and leans over the table towards me, wearing an excited expression. "Who's the lucky girl?"
"I-I…" I'm trying to deny the accusations, or maybe to stop my mouth from spilling the truth, but… something else catches my attention as I finish processing her words. "Wait… how did you know it's a girl?"
"Hm?" Anaid seems confused for a second, but instantly shakes her head and recovers. "Oh, I'm sorry, is it a boy?" By her mischievous expression, I suspect she already knows my answer, so I blush deeply.
"… No." I practically whisper.
"Is it Croix?" Enid is the one who speaks next, wearing an odious smirk on her face.
I can only blush even more in response, to the point I fear my cheeks might have caught fire, which is all the answer the twins need.
"I knew it!" Enid exclaimed happily before turning to her sister. "See, I told you the shroom would do the trick."
"Wait… what?" My mind might be a mess right now, but I can still understand the implications of what she just said. "You mean… the lovestool?"
The twins look at each other guiltily and then Anaid speaks.
"Look, Char, it was for your own good."
"And for our own good as well." Enid mumbles.
"Yeah. It was getting kinda annoying seeing Croix's longing gaze always glued to you. Something you seemed painfully unaware of." Anaid agrees.
"Plus, hearing you ramble for hours about how perfect she was, yet not having a clue about what you really felt for her was getting painful to witness." Enid adds.
"We had to do something!" They both conclude.
"B-but…" I open and close my mouth like a gaping fish, not knowing what to say to this sudden confession.
"And seeing the whole school burn thanks to your little mistake with the love potion would have been fun…" Enid says.
"…If not because we accidentally ended up drinking it too." Anaid adds, annoyed.
"I-I… well… you deserve it!" My voice finally seems to find a way out of my mouth. "Do you have any idea how stressing and confusing the whole ordeal was to me?"
The twins just shrug unapologetically.
"Look, without our little push, it would have taken you two a whole decade to work things out between you, so be a little more grateful, okay?" Enid answers.
"Yeah. Now you just need to confess and everything will be sorted out between you and that nerd you love so much." Anaid then speaks, her words making me blush all over again.
"I-I… I can barely breathe when I'm anywhere near Croix! How do you expect me to confess?!" I try to reason.
"Maybe if you faint near her enough times, she'll get the hint." Enid jokes.
"I wouldn't count on it." Anaid sighs. "You know, for a self-proclaimed genius, she can be pretty stupid."
"Hey, don't call her that!" I defend her instinctively.
"Sorry, but any person with half a brain can see that you've got the hots for her. Yet she keeps hiding and looking at you from afar with that dumb guilty face."
"She's almost as dumb as you." Enid concludes, nodding wisely.
I can just lay my arms on the table in front of me and rest my chin on top of them as I let out a long sigh.
"I just wished she'd stop avoiding me." I say dejectedly.
Even if I'm not sure I'd be able to last more than two seconds in her general proximity without fainting, it still hurts to see her run away from me all the time. Maybe I misinterpreted what she said at the Astronomy Tower? When the whole lovestool ordeal was over? Maybe… maybe she doesn't really love me. Maybe that's just what I wanted to hear.
My heart clenches painfully at the thought, and I end up having to shut my eyes tight to stop my tears from falling.
Oh gosh, why?! One moment I'm happy, the next I'm a blushing, mumbling mess, and suddenly I'm crying? What's with all these weirdly intense emotions? It's like there' no in-between anymore. Everything is extreme when it comes to Croix.
"Not the sulking again…" I hear Enid mumble before letting out a little pained gasp. Probably thanks to her sister elbowing her ribs.
"Chariot, listen." Anaid says as she sits next to me. "I know this might be scary for you, but if you want things to get better, you should do something about it." She laughs. "I mean, I think we all know Croix's not going to take the first step."
Yeah, knowing her, Croix's plan is probably to avoid me for the rest of the school year. And it's her last year in Luna Nova. I can't afford that. I can't lose her! But… gosh. The alternative is almost as scary.
But which one will bring you more joy?
The voice inside my head startles me, but then I realize where it came from.
Alcor! I yell telepathically. How long have you been listening?!
Enough. Do ethereal crows sleeping inside ancient magical artefacts smile? Because I'm pretty sure he's smiling obnoxiously.
Listen. All I'm saying is that no one is going to give you happiness like a gift wrapped up with a perfect bow. You have to search for it yourself.
Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I don't need your wise words.
Except… ugh. I gotta admit he's right, like usual. And so are the twins.
Croix's not going to talk to me any time soon, and if I don't do something, I could end up losing her. And just the simple thought of that happening feels like a dagger burying itself deeply inside my chest. I don't want to live without her! I don't think I even could. I know it might sound silly, but I genuinely feel like I'll die if she… if… if I never see her again.
No. I… I can't allow it! I have to be brave and… and… confess.
I don't know how, but I will. I already fought a giant spider, a rock monster thingy and two dragons!
Surely a honest talk with my best friend (and crush) can't possibly be more difficult and scary than that!
…
Right?
For the past few days, I've spent most of my free time observing Croix from afar. But I'm not being a creeper! Really, I just… I was trying to find the right moment to talk to her about my feelings. But there was never a right time; Croix is always busy, it seems like.
She was either in class, studying, organizing some project or another with her teammates, or working on her inventions. Of course, I already knew that to be her routine, but I was hoping, waiting, for an opening that never came. It was almost as if she purposely wasn't giving herself a single moment to breath!
That's when I knew… I had to take this into my own hands. Because of course the twins were right; if I didn't, it'd take a decade or two to sort out our feelings, and I didn't want that.
And so, I came up with a plan and enlisted their help. Was it stupid of me, considering how our last joint collaboration had ended? Absolutely, but it was a gamble I was hoping would pay off.
Their mission was simple: bring Croix to the North Campus. It didn't really matter what they did to accomplish that, as long as they managed to do it; I'd take it from there. And Arcas would make sure they wouldn't stay to watch.
So that's where I find myself; Saturday night in this cold autumn chill, standing at the broken stone fence and looking out towards Luna Nova, searching for any sign of my best friend. Thankfully, I don't have to wait long; as soon as the last dormitory lights have died off, indicating the start of curfew, I see movement at the path leading here through the dense forest, and I hear a barely stiffened curse. Yep, that's obviously Croix.
I feel a wet nose gently touching my hand, and I immediately start petting Arcas' massive head, wondering at what point I should enlist his help. That's when my friend comes out stumbling from the forest, chasing one of her inventions that seems to be purposely avoiding her. What even is that? Her cellphone?
"Arcas." I say, and he immediately sets off in action; going towards Croix and grabbing her by the belt of her uniform before she even has time to protest or even realize what is happening; too distracted by the offending piece of technology.
"H-hey!" She protests, flailing her arms in an attempt to free herself. "Put me down, you giant ball of fur!"
He does just that a few seconds later, delivering her in front of me, and only then does the cellphone falls on her head, making her yelp. I'll have to chastise the twins for that last part. But later. Right now, I have a mission to accomplish.
"Hey Croix." I say and she finally looks up, getting up hastily when she realizes who just called her name. She turns around as if trying to escape, but is met with Arcas' vigilant stare, dissuading her.
"Chariot." She turns around to look at me once more. "I should have known you were behind these antics." She sighs.
"Well, you didn't exactly give me much of a choice." I say, getting off the fence and landing in front of her. "I knew I'd have to literally kidnap you if I wanted us to talk for more than five seconds."
"There's a reason for that." She answers grumpily, but I simply roll my eyes in response. I'm used to this defensive attitude, and I'm not letting it intimidate me.
"Come on, don't be stubborn." I turn around and start walking to the small picnic table I prepared for us, and I go sit on the left side before patting the spot on my right invitingly. "I brought your favorite." I then open the picnic basket and take out two cups of ramen, already steaming hot.
Croix's gaze shifts between me and Arcas repeatedly, apparently waging her options, but at the end she sighs and comes sit next to me, leaving more distance between us than I would have liked. Oh well. It doesn't really matter; I'll give her some space for now if that's what she wants.
"Here." I hand her over a cup of spicy ramen, as well as a pair of chopsticks, just as she likes it, before taking a spoon for myself, much to her dismay. Thankfully, she doesn't comment on it, and instead just starts eating as she gives me an expectant gaze, clearly wanting me to state the reason I decided to kidnap her on this fine Saturday night.
"Remember the last time we were here?" I open with a bit of small talk. I don't want to just confess out of the blue, after all; I want to slowly ease her into the conversation so that we don't both have a panic attack when it happens.
"You wanted to celebrate your victory at the broom relay." She nods.
"I believe I mentioned then that I often come here to stargaze. It's relaxing."
"You did." She nods once more, but doesn't say more.
"The night is too young right now, unfortunately, and the full moon doesn't help either, but at least the brightest stars can be seen." I pause, taking a spoonful of ramen before continuing. "That one, for example, is Venus." I say, pointing towards it.
"Venus is a planet." She points out.
"You know what I meant." I roll my eyes. "Venus, or Aphrodite in Greek culture, is the goddess of beauty and love."
"I'm… aware." She looks away and blushes, much to my satisfaction.
"She also had a son called Eros. More commonly known as Cupid." I continue.
"The chubby baby angel?" She snorts.
"He wasn't chubby or a baby." I correct. "But he had wings, and a bow."
"Please don't take this into a cheesy direction." She pretty much pleads, and I laugh, but make no promises.
"Eros was the god of-"
"Sex?" She interrupts with an obnoxious smile, and this time it's my turn to blush brightly.
"Sexual attraction, yes." I concede, trying to will the blood on my cheeks to recede, with no success. "But also love, and fertility."
"I'm not sure you are prepared for this kind of conversation." She teases, undoubtedly noticing my flustered state.
"Shut up." I say, much to her amusement. At least she seems a bit more relaxed now; just waiting in barely concealed curiosity to see where I'll take this conversation. "The point is that there was a woman called Psyche, who was so beautiful that people were starting to worship her instead of Aphrodite."
"Let me guess: she wasn't happy and inflected some terrible curse on her."
"Something like that." I nod. "She ordered Eros to make her fall in love with the ugliest man he could find. But instead… Eros fell in love with her."
Croix then looks away and takes a sip from her ramen as a somber expression appears on her face.
"Love is a curse either way." She simply says.
"Well… not always." I amend.
"Oh yeah? Then what happened next?" She asks smugly, like I'm about to prove her point.
"They started having an affair, but they would meet only in pitch-black darkness, and Eros told her she could never see him. He didn't want her to know he was a god."
"That was a dumb thing to do." She comments.
"Yes, but Eros felt that's what he had to do in order to protect them both from Aphrodite's rage." I continue. "Yet, Psyche started to have doubts, wondering if she had married a monster. And one day… she lit a candle while he was sleeping."
"The wax fell on him, waking Eros up, and Psyche was banished from his realm." Croix finishes for me. "I remember now. But I don't understand why you brought me here just to talk about myths."
"Well… there's a lesson to be learned in their story." I say, scooting closer towards her and gently taking the hand that's holding the now empty ramen cup, prying her fingers away from it and intertwining them with my own. She doesn't protest, but she's also just watching me with an attentive, almost weary, expression.
"Don't spill candle wax into a god?" She says in a sarcastic tone.
"Eros and Psyche loved each other, and they were happy together." I speak, looking into Croix's eyes for emphasis. "But their relationship failed because they didn't trust each other."
"Oh." She looks down at our joined hands, frowning.
"Eros didn't trust her with the knowledge he was a god, and Psyche didn't trust that the man she loved wasn't a monster." I pause, taking a deep breath as I prepare myself for what I'm about to say. "And Croix… from the way you've been avoiding me since your confession, I feel like you don't trust me." I sigh. "Specifically, you don't trust me to stay by your side no matter the direction we decide to take our relationship to."
She tenses, but says nothing for a few seconds, as if she's trying to find the right thing to say. At the end she sighs and pulls away from me, leaning back so that she's supporting herself with her elbows and looking at the starry sky as she answers.
"It's not like I don't trust you." Her voice is cautious, like she's afraid to say the wrong thing, but is also trying to be honest. "I don't trust… love."
"In general?" I raise an eyebrow. "Or just romantic love?"
"In general." She admits, defeated. "I… it's just…" She speaks, but then purses her lips, as if fighting with herself to try and let the words out. "Every… every single time I've had something good happen to me… it has always ended." She straightens up and starts pulling the grass, frowning, concentrating on it as she speaks, as if what she's saying wouldn't come out otherwise. "And… I get it. That's life. You gotta deal with it and toughen up and whatever, but…" She draws in a shaky breath and blinks rapidly. Almost as if… as if she's trying to stop tears from falling from her eyes.
Wow. When did we get to this point? Surely all these fears and sadness are coming from somewhere. From her past. From when she was just a little orphaned girl with an uncertain future and no one to give her the love she deserves.
"Croix…" I scoot closer and gently touch her shoulder, but she just keeps talking, staring at the ground.
"I know… I'm silly, I know. But… I'm just so scared…"
"Croix-" I try again, but she cuts me off.
"I-I… I don't think I can explain it to you properly, or even if I should, but… I know… I just know that if… if I ever lose you… I don't think I'll ever be the same again…"
"Croix…" This time I'm able to take her hand, which finally makes her redirect her gaze towards me. She looks scared still, so I try to give her a reassuring smile. "I won't ever leave you, okay? I know it might be a little soon to say it, but…" I blush, but don't hesitate. She needs this. I grab her hand and place it over me chest, where my heart is still beating loudly for her. "Can you feel it? As long as it's beating, I will be there for you, I promise. I… I love you."
Wow. It feels so different to say it now that I'm aware of my true feelings towards her. Heavier. Deeper. Like… it comes from the very core of my heart itself and carries with it a huge responsibility that I didn't know it entailed until now. But, unlike most responsibilities, this one I'll embrace gladly.
Croix blushes at my words before opening and closing her mouth like a gaping fish, but at least a small smile appears on her face.
"You mean…?"
"Romantically, yes." I admit, blushing, but holding her gaze. "I'm sorry it took me so long to realize."
"Well…" She chuckles. "You wouldn't be Chariot if you weren't as dense as a freaking black hole."
"You're one to talk." I roll my eyes. "You obviously didn't notice my longing gaze following you around all this time."
"I did, actually." She amends, prying her hand away from my grip and bringing it to my cheek instead, caressing it softly as she stares intently at me. My breath hitches and my heart skips a beat. "I was just…"
"Scared. I know." I lean in a bit closer towards her, now able to feel her breath ghosting over my lips. All I want is to close the small distance that remains between us, but I'll let that be her choice. "But I will never leave you, okay? Please trust me."
"I… I trust you." Her hand leaves my cheek in that moment, slowly descending to my nape, and she pulls me towards her, tilting her head. I take this as my clue to close my eyes and just a moment later, I feel her lips pressing softly into mine.
The kiss is hesitant and clumsy at first, with our lips moving slowly, trying to find a rhythm that we both enjoy. It's so different from our first kiss for many reasons. This time it feels more genuine and full of affection; more romantic, and less desperate, which is not a surprise, considering the vastly different circumstances. It also feels better to be an active part of this kissing thing, and I'm sure that the fact that this time I wasn't completely caught off-guard and overwhelmed with confusion and doubts also played a role into making this kiss more enjoyable. I never want it to end.
Croix apparently feels the same way, since the hesitancy is soon gone from her actions and her lips press insistently against mine; an action I return just as enthusiastically. But… I'm greedy, and I want more contact, so I try to adjust my position so that I can grab into Croix collar and pull her closer. However, I miscalculate and end up losing my equilibrium for just a second, making me fall down into the grass and pull Croix with me. She's not exactly on top, but her face is very close to mine, and her hand is next to my face when I open my eyes. I like this new position, but I don't like that the kiss is over.
"Sorry, I… got carried away." She says breathily.
"No, I did." I chuckle and pull her in for a small peck before pushing her to lay on the ground next to me, while I scoot closer and rest my head comfortably on her chest, cuddling her. Honestly, I'd like for us to keep kissing but I know we probably still need to talk a bit more about our feelings. And we can't exactly do that while having our mouths pretty much fused together.
"So… what are we gonna do now?" She asks.
"Well, we're…" I swallow, trying to get rid of the nervous butterflies that suddenly appeared in my stomach. "We're girlfriends now, right?"
"Yeah…" She trails off, wetting her lips. "That'd be… nice."
"I agree, but… I just have one question." I say sheepishly, hoping she won't make fun of me for what I'm about to ask. "What does it imply to be girlfriends, exactly?"
"What do you mean?" She furrows her brows, as if she's confused by my question.
"Y-yeah, like… I've never… this is just new to me, okay? I don't know what to expect!"
"Well… you're also my first girlfriend, so maybe I'm not the best to ask." She chuckles. "But… I don't believe our relationship will change much. Except for the occasional… uh… physical activities."
"Physical activities?!" I repeat, blushing madly. Wait, does she mean…?
"Yeah, you know, kisses, hugs, hand holding… all those things." She looks to the side, blushing too.
"Right, right." I clear my throat, pretending my mind wasn't in the gutter for a hot second there. "So, uh… will this also mean you won't keep running away?"
"I won't." She confirms, nodding. "But… my graduation is just a few months away. I'm not sure how we're gonna handle that."
"Look… don't worry about it, okay?" I try to reassure her. Or maybe myself. Probably both. "Let the future come when it's time, and meanwhile let's just… enjoy the moment?" I finish with a nervous laugh, and to my relief Croix gives me a lopsided smile of her own.
"Well, when I'm with you I can hardly concentrate on anything else, so that hopefully will be easy."
"I'm sure it will." I assure her, using my elbow to prop myself up slightly, so that my face covers Croix's vision. "I love you, okay? I'll make sure to remind you of that fact every moment we're together."
"That might be a bit too much." She chuckles, but her hands raise up to cup my face between them. Then, there's a pause as her eyes roam freely around my face, studying it like it's some sort of masterpiece. I blush and try to look away, but I'm honestly entranced by how much adoration there's in Croix's eyes in this moment. I don't think I'd ever seen her like this; so genuine, without any sort of defense mechanism. If this isn't a sign of trust, I don't know what is. "I love you too."
I barely give her time to finish speaking before I lean down and clash our lips together once more, eager to feel the euphoric beating in my chest, and the giddiness on my whole body. And so, we just keep kissing, and talking and laughing for a few more hours; forgetting about the uncertainty of tomorrow, of our fears and doubts. Right now, we're just two girls that are happily in love, enjoying our time together. As it should be.
A/N: Thanks to my beta reader moonwatcher13.
