Chapter 40: Deep rooted issues.
The past few weeks have been as wonderful as I could've asked for. Doubts and pinning long behind us, the only struggle Croix and I have had lately is not letting our relationship impact our academic performance, and spend at least some of our time together actually studying. But I guess we'll find a balance in time; right now, we're just getting used to being together in a romantic way, to the gossip on the hallways as we walk by hand in hand, and to the euphoric feelings we feel whenever we so much as look at each other.
It's been… weird. In a good way. An adjusting period that I don't really want to end; I can't imagine there'll come a time when I take Croix's face between my own, and kiss her lips as I usually do, and it just feels… normal. But at the same time, it's starting to. Or, rather, it's starting to feel familiar. But normal? No, kissing her will always feel magical, I'm sure.
There's just been one thing bothering me, however. One thing getting on the way of our perfect paradise; Croix herself. Or, maybe should I say, her attitude. Sure, she tries to be happy when we're together; she tries to smile, to laugh, and to just enjoy the moment, but… I'm not saying it's just an act, I really don't think it is, but she's hiding something; I can feel it. I know her too well. I know that look on her eyes when she doesn't want to talk about something, that subtle twitch on her fingers when something is bothering her, but she's debating herself if she should tell me or not, and even the shade of the bags under her eyes, now darker than before, indicating she's been missing more sleep than usual.
Yes, something is bothering Croix, but she's not telling me.
I, of course, worry it may be about me; about us. Although I'm trying to convince myself she'd tell me if that was the case. I'm sure she will, sooner or later; I'm her girlfriend, after all, and I just learned the importance of patience, too! I can't pressure her into telling me, although sometimes I wished I could.
For now, though, I should just try and be supportive of her. And speaking of…
"Hey Croix!" I run at her as I see her exciting the classroom to her last class of the day, and swiftly I take her elbow withing my hands and hold her close as we walk. A few days ago she'd be startled and glance nervously at her classmates, but this has become a daily occurrence, so all that happens now is that an adorable blush appears on her cheeks.
"H-hey." She smiles.
"Shall we go to the cafeteria? I'm starving!" I say with a flare of the dramatic. She just rolls her eyes in response and chuckles.
"Aww poor Chariot." She says mockingly. "It's not like you sneak candy into class anyways. I bet you haven't eaten anything in the last hour or so, you poor thing."
"You meanie." I pout, but she simply smiles at me.
"I'm sorry, we will go to the cafeteria." Croix assures me. "But I need to drop some stuff in my room first. I hope that's okay."
"It's okay." I relent. "But you'll have to make it up to me later." I add with a mischievous glint in my eyes that I have no doubt she notices.
"You drive a hard bargain." She pretends to think about it. "But I think I'll accept your deal."
After eating our usual potatoes at the cafeteria, Croix and I made our way to the Astronomy tower as per usual, where we spend the rest of the day doing our homework, studying and just hanging out. Granted, concentrating on anything that wasn't my girlfriend during these meetings has been increasingly hard for me lately. I just want to hug her and kiss her and cuddle her and tell her how much I love her! But Croix is good at keeping our feet on the ground, which is exasperating sometimes, but definitely necessary for my academic performance.
Still, even as we kept doing our homework and studying, I'd occasionally interrupt her with a kiss on her cheek and laugh when she'd blush so adorably. I'd let my arms wrap around her neck as she explained something or other to me, and I'd sigh contently as I nuzzle into her while reading a book about magic. Ah, this was truly what happiness felt like.
Well, sort of. One detail is missing.
I get up from the couch and stretch my limbs, rustling with my uniform's vest and tie as I rush to take them off. Then, once they've flown off towards the ground, I go towards the box where Croix keeps some of her casual clothes and start rummaging through them.
"What are you doing?" Croix says, raising an eyebrow.
"Aha!" I exclaim proudly, holding up my price: a grey oversized hoodie, wrinkled and smelling of spicy ramen, but oh so comfy. I let out a content sigh as I put it on and go back to sit next to Croix, nuzzling into the warm garment as the cold of autumn is slowly fought off of my body.
"Thief." She snorts.
"It's not like you're using it." I simply answer.
"At least you could have asked for a clean one." She stubbornly protests.
"This one smells of you." I say as I scoot closer to her and lean my head on her shoulder. "I like it better this way."
"I… see." She answers hesitantly, and as I look up I see her ears turning a bright shade of pink.
"Do you think I look cute?" I tease.
"Always." She answers without hesitation.
"I meant wearing this." I roll my eyes.
"A little." She tries to appear nonchalant, but her blush betrays her, so I nuzzle into her and let out a content sigh.
"I want us to be together forever." I say, leaning a little closer to her and playing with the fingers of her hand, previously intertwined with mine. This feeling… just relaxing with her, showing each other affection in very simple ways the entire time we're together… I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.
"Forever…" She says after a pause. "That's a long time."
"You don't want that?" I frown, looking up at her, finding her thoughtful eyes staring off at the distance. It's even more worrying when she takes a while to respond.
"Of course I do." She finally says, which eases my heart a little. Still, I sense there's something more there.
"But?" I prompt impatiently.
"But…" Another sigh, this one more tired than anything. "I'm just being realistic. After I graduate, we won't spend much time together, and it's likely you'll realize that you don't need me at all."
"What are you talking about?" I exclaim, letting go of her hand and sitting a little straighter so that I can have a better look at her face. She, however, just looks away. "Croix, I love you! When I say I want us to be together forever, I mean it!"
"I know you do."
"But?" I prompt again, irritated.
"But…" She purses her lips before standing up, going towards the desk and leaning on it, giving me her back as she answers. "You're naïve. You think you know me, but you don't."
"What are you talking about?!" Trying not to yell is very difficult right now, and I don't think I'm succeeding at all. Croix's words simply irritate me too much.
"I'm… ugly." Of all things that I expected her to say, that definitely wasn't one of them.
"… what?" I say dumbly.
"Not… physically." It seems like she's struggling to both find the words to say and drag them out of her mouth. "I mean, I know I'm not exactly beautiful either, but what I really meant is…" Another sigh and a pause as she collects her thoughts. "There's always been something… wrong with me." She says, and I can see her shoulders tense as those words come out of her mouth. "Something dark and putrid. Something… that drives other people away." She finally turns around, now leaning at the desk as our eyes meet, and I can't help but softening slightly at her expression, caught somewhere between sad and troubled. "You don't see that. You never have, and I'm grateful for that. But… I just wonder how long it'll take for you to see me for what I really am."
I feel my heart clench on her behalf, and I stand up shakily to swiftly cover the distance between us, taking one of her hands into mine as I respond.
"I did see it, when we first met." I reply carefully. "That mean part of you; the part that pushes people away, and hides behind a wall of coldness and nonchalance. But… that's not actually you." I pause as I look up earnestly at her eyes, trying to make her understand what I feel. "You're Croix. You're my girlfriend, my best friend, the one who taught me everything I know about magic." I pause, squeezing her hand for reassurance. "You're so beautiful and talented and kind, in your own way. You hide because you're scared, but you've let me see the real you and I'm grateful for that."
I see Croix smile slightly, but it soon turns into a frown as she looks away.
"But it's only temporary, isn't it? At the end I'll always do something stupid and fuck things up between us, only to apologize later and take advantage of your kindness."
"Is that how you see it?" I say indignantly. "You're human! Of course you make mistakes, and we fight and we make up eventually. That's how relationships work." I pause, resting a hand on her cheek in an attempt to make her look at me, but she stubbornly keeps her gaze elsewhere.
"I know." She smiles sadly. "But that doesn't mean there isn't something fundamentally wrong with me."
"Croix, where is this coming from?" I shouldn't sound irritated; I know it's not exactly the best attitude to have when I'm trying to reassure her, but I get oddly defensive when anyone speaks badly of my favorite person in the entire world. Even if it comes from Croix herself.
"I…" Finally she looks back at me, and grabs the hand that was touching her face, intertwining our fingers almost delicately. "You're just too pure. Too beautiful. Too kind." She closes her eyes and brings my hand towards her face once more, just letting herself relish on the touch for a moment before she speaks again, opening her eyes and glaring at our joint hands. "A part of me is irritated to no end by that. I hate it."
"What?" To say I'm dumbfounded would be an understatement, but I decide to let her explain herself before I answer.
"I feel so inadequate, so… ugly when we're together." She purses her lips. "I'm just afraid one day I'll lash out and drag you into the mud with me."
I can only sigh as I listen to her flawed reasoning.
"You just have me on a pedestal right now. I'm hardly perfect."
"I know." She says with a small voice and looks into my eyes once more, but this time her expression is mostly sad. There's even a shimmer in her eyes that might indicate unshed tears. "I know you're not perfect, but compared to you…" She shudders. "I'm just… garbage."
And there are the tears. Now flowing down her face like rivers as I quickly rush to wipe them away with my thumbs, taking her face into my hands.
I feel so bad for her right now. I have no idea what caused this, but I wished I could just wave my wand and make it go away. I know it's not that simple though, so I better keep inquiring.
"You're Croix Meridies!" I exclaim. "You're the best witch to ever live." I add with a hint of humor, repeating her usual egotistical words to her in an attempt to make her smile. "Why this sudden burst of self-depreciation?"
"I…" She opens and closes her mouth a few times and tries to look away, but I don't let her. Still, she takes her time to answer, like she's physically struggling in a fight against her own mouth. "It's a secret." She settles for at the end.
"Croix…" I really don't want to be pushy, but she's hardly giving me an option right now, considering the chances of her opening up on her own are astronomical. Maybe I should be patient, but maybe this is one of those times when I just have to take the situation into my own hands. "I'm your girlfriend. You know you can trust me, right? I'm here for you, so please tell me what's wrong. I've noticed that you haven't exactly been the most relaxed lately. Does that have anything to do with what's going on in your head right now?"
"I…" Another pause as she keeps struggling, but this time her eyes end up landing on mine, and her expression shifts into anger. But I have a feeling it's not directed at me. "When… when I was a baby I…" She starts hyperventilating, so she pauses and takes a deep breath, calming herself down slightly before continuing. "My mom… I never met her. I never had a family, or friends and… you… it feels unreal. Like I don't deserve this."
I feel a pang of pain inside my chest and I hug her tightly without thinking, wishing I could just erase those events from existence; wishing I could protect Croix from those feelings of inadequacy that trace back from so long. I feel my own tears fall from my eyes as I hold her as close to me as physically possible.
"I'm sorry, I know it's stupid." She tries to laugh, but it's obvious that she's crying. "I don't… I don't usually let this affect me, but…" Finally, her arms come to wrap over my shoulders and she pulls me closer into her chest, returning the embrace. "I… I'll be meeting her soon."
"W-what?" I somehow manage to stutter out, too startled to say anything else. "You mean… your biological mom?"
"I have to go back home in a few days." She elaborates. "It should just be a weekend, but… I-I… I really don't want to go." This time not only her voice trembles, but her limbs too, and she lets out a few shaky breaths, as if trying to stop herself from crying.
"Why?" I ask. "You… don't want to meet her?" I ask hesitantly, but get a bitter laughter in response. A laughter so devoid of happiness that it gives me chills. But I don't understand! I know I would give anything to meet my real mom for just one day! I mean, I love my aunt a lot, but I've always been curious about how my mother was actually like, so… I really don't understand Croix at all. I feel like there's one piece missing in this puzzle.
"Of course I don't!" She pretty much spats, finally lifting her gaze and looking at me with teary red eyes. "That woman abandoned me when I was just a few days old! She left me on the street to die, like I was a piece of garbage she couldn't even bother carrying with her a second longer."
I flinch as her words pierce me one by one. I can feel the anger, frustration and sadness radiating from her, and… now the puzzle is finally complete. I finally get it. Why Croix's been acting do weirdly lately… it suddenly makes sense.
"No, Chariot, I don't want to meet her! I would rather die before seeing her stupid face! But did my mom listen to me?! Did she even stop to think about what I might want before inviting her for dinner?! Of course not! Because my opinion doesn't fucking matter! Only hers!"
Oh damn. What… what should I do now? I don't even know what to say! I'm paralyzed. I didn't anticipate something as serious as this!
"I-I… I don't have a choice though." She finally stops yelling, deflating like a popped balloon as more tears fall from her eyes. "My mom… she's already talked to Holbrooke and made plans to pick me up herself. I'm… trapped."
I can only look at her crying form and feel my own tears form as well, though I hold them in. I have no idea how to help her, or even if I can.
"I suppose you've already told your mom that you really don't want this?" I ask in a small voice.
"I did." She nods. "But she keeps insisting it's for my own good." She clenches her eyelids tightly, squeezing out a torrent of tears from her eyes.
I hesitantly pull her closer towards me again, and she starts to slowly lean in, which gives me enough courage to pull her in for a tight hug. She tenses briefly at the contact, but then promptly reciprocates, burying her face on my neck. I can feel her tears slowly soaking my skin, but they don't really bother me. I just feel really, really bad for her. I can't even imagine what she might be going through.
"Thank you." She says between sobs. "For being here for me. I-I… I really don't know what I'd do without you."
"You don't have to thank me." I quickly retort. "This is the least I can do." I say as I continue hugging her and tracing soothing circles on her back.
And... It's just the normal thing to say, right? The answer you're supposed to give in situations like this, but… as the words pass my lips, I realize they're true. This is really the least I can do, but… I love Croix! I'm her girlfriend! I should be doing more!
"Hey, uh… if you want… you think I could…?" Oh my God, this is a terrible idea! But I already opened my mouth, so I can't back out now! "You think… I could go with you? As emotional support."
"W-what?" She pulls away and stares intently into my eyes in a way that makes me nervous.
"Only if you want! It could do you some good to have someone there when… well, when you meet her." I finish with a nervous laugh, but Croix's still staring.
"I-I… I appreciate the offer." She says after a moment of silence.
"But?" I prompt.
"But… I haven't told my mom about… well… us."
"You think she'll have a problem?" I raise an eyebrow. I mean… sure, I might not be the best Luna Nova student, like Croix, but I do think I'm a good girlfriend. Or at least I'm trying. The worst that could happen is that her mom gives me the 'don't hurt my daughter' talk… right?
"No, no." She quickly assures me. "That's not what's worrying me." She sighs. "I'd just rather leave that conversation for another time."
"I can pretend I'm just your friend, then!" I argue.
"Char." She snaps sternly. "I said no."
And that was the end of the conversation. Every time I tried to bring up the subject later, she'd quickly shut me down. But I knew I wasn't going to let her go through that alone, no matter if she was too stubborn to accept my help. I'd follow her home no matter what, and there was no force on Earth that could stop me.
A/N: Thanks to my beta reader moonwatcher13.
