Hello my dearest ones Apologies for my time away, but now I'm back. Thanks to the ass-kicking of Nano- I have several chapters written and ready to go. So, I shan't keep you longer.
As always, anything belonging to the MCU is theirs- no copyright infringement is intended.
Chapter Fourteen- The Red Room
Patience was her strongest suit, and waiting for her former teacher to emerge from his hiding place was a trivial thing for her, but she could not hide the concern or worry she felt for him, and her friend whose life had almost been taken.
When Tasha did finally spot Bucky, it was after the news that Tony was awake and had suffered no brain damage from the oxygen starvation. The relief she felt was indescribable, and it meant she could focus more on making sure her mentor was alright after he had been triggered.
It had been a long, long time since she had been triggered, but she could remember all too clearly how she always felt afterwards. The guilt would eat her for days when she harmed someone, and she always had Clint to find her, and drag her out of the funk she would go into.
So, it was when Bucky crawled out of his hiding space that she stood waiting for him. "How are you feeling?" She asked softly.
"Like shit," he grunted.
She nodded and patted his arm. "Where have you been hiding?"
He shrugged. "Around. I was confined to my room for a bit but once Tony woke, FRIDAY was able to let me out again, on orders. I just…wasn't ready to see anyone."
Tasha smiled sadly. "I brought you a meal in the hopes of talking with you, make sure you were alright."
Bucky sat down at the kitchen table. "I know, but I wasn't ready to see anyone."
"Not even me?"
He locked eyes with her. "Especially not you."
That stung, Tasha couldn't deny it, but it was true and she understood that. "Come up to the roof with me, get some air."
Sighing, Bucky lunged to his feet and she trailed behind him, searching to see if any of the others were around or following. Once in the lift she hit the button for the highest floor, and they took the stairs up to the roof.
When the cool evening air hit her face, Tasha took a lungful and released it slowly. She heard a lighter spark and stared disapprovingly at Bucky. "At least be a gentleman and offer me one first."
Bucky barked a laugh and threw the packet at her. "I ain't no gentleman and you ain't no lady, malen'kiy pauk."
Tasha cackled and sat beside him, their legs hanging over the ledge under the bars. She lit the cigarette and inhaled deeply, feeling the smoke hit her lungs. She blew a stream of blue smoke and watched the wind carry it away. "We need to talk about what happened, soldat."
He gave her a side-long glance, Tasha staring out over Manhattan. "I know."
"Do you remember what happened?"
Bucky shook his head and scrubbed a hand over his face. "Only what FRIDAY has shown me on the gym footage. I don't actually recall anything, which worries me. I've always remembered before, sometimes hours later, but not days later- I would remember by now."
"Well, there were different circumstances this time. After every mission before, you were always the Winter Soldier, and you were regularly wiped of things. This time you were yourself, so perhaps the longer you spend as Barnes, the harder it might be to remember things if you go all Winter Soldier."
It was a shot in the dark and she knew it, but it was better to throw something out there as a possibility rather than leaving him with an 'I don't know'.
"I guess," he said, though his voice held no conviction at all.
"Did FRIDAY show you what you said when you became the Winter Soldier?" Tasha asked softly.
He nodded. "Mission active- kill Tony Stark."
Tasha nodded slowly and finished the cigarette, stubbing the butt out against the bottom of her shoe. "Yes, do you recall that mission ever being one that was active before?"
Bucky finished his own cigarette and lit a second. "No, I don't have any recollection of it."
She sighed heavily and rested her hand on his metal arm. "Have you told him yet?"
His blue eyes shot to hers and he violently shook his head. "No, I'm not sure it's a good idea he knows I was your teacher. I don't like keeping secrets but I think knowing that I taught you everything, that I put your forward for the programme and arranged for you to receive the other form of serum could damage what might remain of his generosity towards me."
Tasha sighed and shifted back so she could sit cross-legged. "I understand, but I think keeping from him will be worse. You've seen first-hand how Tony reacts when he isn't told something that involves him, and we both know this involves him-deeply."
-oo0oo-
After checking the time, Clint saw it was time to go relieve Steve from keeping watch over Tony. Putting his bow away, he set his quiver beside it and left the gym, taking the lift as high as it would go and taking the stairs to the penthouse.
He found Steve pacing madly, his face set in stone as he glared daggers at the bathroom door. "What's up?" He asked their leader.
"He's sulking," Steve growled.
Clint bit the inside of his cheek for a moment. "Why is he sulking?"
"I won't let him play with his toys in the workshop."
Clint nodded seriously, still holding back his laughter. "Okay, well, I'll make sure he doesn't go down."
Scrubbing a hand over his face, Steve sighed heavily, nodded, and walked off, leaving Clint to take over. He waited until he heard the door to the penthouse close and knocked twice on the bathroom door. "Mom's gone."
The door flew open and Tony looked around, relieved. "He has been pestering me all god damn morning about going down to the workshop," he whined.
Clint laughed at the complaint. "It's only because he's beating himself up about letting the experiment go ahead, and you getting hurt. Cut him a little slack."
Tony groaned and paced around his rooms like a caged animal. "I can't do it, Clint. I need to be out of here and doing my own thing, I need to be back in my workshop and doing what I do best, fixing what went wrong. I can't do that if Mother Theresa is always hovering over me."
He could see both sides, Tony wanted to do what he did best, and Steve wanted to make sure his friend wouldn't be hurt again after the incident in the gym. But when it boiled down it, Clint would always side with Tony. So, he snuck the genius down to the workshop, through the ventilation shafts, and sat himself in a corner where he could keep an eye on him.
Tony worked away, immersing himself in whatever had gripped him, and Clint kept a watchful eye on him. He checked his watch, guessing that Tasha was still talking with Bucky over what happened and the guilt that was more than likely eating the soldier up.
It also gave Clint time to assess his thoughts and recall what happened. He couldn't deny he was concerned over Bucky, the man had saved his ass back in Siberia. But he was loyal to Tony and the man was his first priority. He knew how much Tasha adored Tony, but she loved Bucky to distraction, he just prayed that Tony wouldn't find out until he was ready.
This was something that could seriously destroy Tony, and Clint wasn't sure he wanted to be around when the fallout happened. The way he had blown at Tasha over the serum and his parents' deaths had been bad enough, to find out that Tasha knew Bucky long before this, and had trained under him, and had held a relationship with him- it could blow the team apart for good.
-oo0oo-
The sun began to set with Tasha and Bucky sat in silence, both watching the soft pink glow darken to red as the hour grew late. They'd been on the roof for some time, but neither had much to say. She knew Bucky needed to come clean about them- about their past, but she understood his fear of giving the man another thing to hate him for. Especially when Tony had grown more civil with him, and she had noticed the coldness in his eyes had dimmed somewhat.
Reluctant as she was to bring back that cold glare, she wasn't sure how long she could keep it from Tony. The way he had looked at her when she had revealed she'd known about his parents had wounded her, far deeper than she was prepared to admit. In all honesty, she wasn't entirely sure she was ready to have that look placed on her again.
"I've spent a good portion of my adult life trying to break the hold HYDRA had on me, and for that I have Clint to thank," she said suddenly, her gaze still on the setting sun.
Bucky faced her and nodded. "Yes, I know. I'm only sorry it took me so much longer to be free of them. I spent a vast majority of my adult life frozen, only brought out to be under pain and sent out to kill."
Tasha's smile was grim. "Hmm. I was trained from a young age, held and shot my first gun before I was even in double digits. When I graduated, I was taken to the ceremony, to the Red Room. Did they ever tell you about it? Before I did, I mean."
The dark look on his face said it all, the blue eyes cast away and suspiciously glassy for a moment.
"When the girls graduate, they remove the inner workings of what makes them female. It makes all missions easier and cleaner if an asset does not have a family, has no children to defend or give herself up for. I'll never have children with Bruce, I can never give him a family without adopting or fostering."
Bucky risked a glance and was saddened to see the blank look on her face, that she wasn't even acknowledging the loss frightened him- or if she did, she refused to show it. "I know, Tasha. I'm sorry, I really am. If I could go back and warn you, break you away from them beforehand I would do it in a heartbeat."
She knew that, really knew he would break every rule to get her out if he'd had his own mind. Every detail of her graduation was still deeply etched in her mind, no amount of shock therapy would ever remove the images. The sterile walls, the smell of antiseptic, cold instruments and the rustle of paper on the bed she would be operated on. For the first time in months, Tasha flashed back to that moment.
A wheel squeaked on the gurney she was being wheeled into the theatre on, the rhythmic noise doing nothing to soothe her nerves. Her handler had made it clear that all the girls underwent the ceremony once graduated, it was a passage rite to prove they were ready to be released into the world.
It did little to rest her fears though, she knew it was something that would set her apart from women outside of HYDRA, even though she wasn't supposed to think about anything besides her missions and anything her handler commanded of her.
In an attempt to calm herself, to stop the hysteria she could feel building, Tasha thought of her mentor, the man who had helped shape the best student they had claimed to ever have, and for a moment, she felt better. The Soldier's blue eyes filled her mind, the minute twitch of those lips the only indication that he acknowledged her wit and smarts.
Voices caught her attention, a surgeon discussing her vitals with the doctor who had wheeled her in. They spoke in hushed tones but she managed to catch the gist of it. She was to be anaesthetised- but, not under general, apparently, she had earned the right to be awake when she graduated. The Asset part of her purred under the praise, puffed up in pride. However, the minor part of her that feared HYDRA knew this was not a good thing, and the hysteria grew again.
Breathing fast, Tasha began to panic, fearing what she would have to witness. The surgeon smiled at her, her eyes calculating but cold. "See? She is thrilled at the idea of such an honour."
No, she wanted to scream, wanted to beg. But her mouth remained resolutely closed and silent, years of training and conditioning forcing her to obey their demands. She was transferred from the gurney to a stationary bed, the rustling of paper under her body sounding like dynamite with her heightened senses.
The scratchy gown that had been covering her body was removed, exposing her to their eyes and leaving her feeling vulnerable. Tasha fought the urge to cover herself, knowing that their gaze was only assessing- not even remotely sexual. Satisfied with their inspection, the doctor who had wheeled her in threw a green sheet over her body, a large area already cut out and revealing her stomach and abdomen.
Her surgeon turned away a moment, soon facing her again with a large syringe filled with a clear substance. The tip was fitted with a lethal looking needle, the plunger depressed until the clear fluid leaked from the tip.
"Okay, Asset, we're going to numb the area we will be operating on, you won't feel anything but you will be awake, as per the honour you have earned for such hard work," the surgeon said, speaking mechanically, clinically. "You must not move, or there could be complications, not something we want- and your handler will be disappointed after you've made her so proud."
The idea of disappointing her handler had her calming down, her breathing evening out until she could think clearly. "Yes, doctor, thank you for the great privilege of being awake to witness my ceremony," she answered, knowing this was the response they wanted.
Breathe. Get through the surgery, she could get through this. She would make Madame HYDRA prouder of her, she would not fail her handler. The hysterical girl retreated back into her mind, leaving her calm and collected. Several pinches into her abdomen, a slight burn told her she had been injected with the anaesthetic. The numbness quickly spread, and she could see her body being prodded though she felt nothing.
The skin was rubbed with something orange, and strong smelling. Her brain soon supplied the word- iodine. A sterile substance that would stop any bacteria from entering the wound when she was cut, a liquid with good antiseptic qualities- one always used in surgeries. A flash of silver as the scalpel passed her vision, and she couldn't stop the holding of her breath in case the anaesthetic had not worked.
She counted backwards from ten in Russian, the smell of blood invading her nostrils told her the cut had been made, and she had felt nothing. Releasing the breath she had been holding, Tasha did not look down, refusing to make any eye contact with the surgeon or the doctor, afraid that once she saw the gaping wound in her abdomen she would be unable to keep her handler proud.
"Suction," the surgeon commanded, the sound of a machine whirring and the grotesque sound of liquid being sucked up echoed loudly around the silent room. Red flowed up the line leading to the machine, and Tasha stared at it curiously. She somehow had imagined that with the constant introduction of the serum into her bloodstream that perhaps it had changed somehow. Such a childish notion, she realised.
"Clamps and more anaesthetic." There was a deeper pinch that time, she grunted softly at the pain but made no other sound. Soon she felt nothing once more, only hearing the sound of clamps, scissors and whatever else was needed to remove her womb and ovaries. Hysterectomy, they said, the removal of all that made her a woman.
She could hear Madame HYDRA explaining it to her, that she was her ultimate asset, and she could not have that asset running off to protect a child, or husband. So, she had been conditioned to believe sex was a tool, useful to gain knowledge, information, whatever she needed to know. And that babies, the idea of a family, was absurd. For a long time, she had believed it, but lately she had grown unsure.
The doubts had started when she first met the Soldier, he was only ever referenced as such, and she was only ever called the Asset. Her given name was never used, nor was her family name- the Asset was what she had become.
Every so often she could see the flicker of confusion in the blue eyes she had come to find comfort in. But as quickly as it would appear, it would be gone and she would be left wondering if she had just imagined it. Her conditioning would not allow her to raise questions and any doubts of HYDRA were gone for the time being, only to return again later.
A sudden wave of dizziness washed over her, her vision blurred for a moment and she felt light-headed. Tasha tried to raise her hand to get their attention, to tell the surgeon she didn't feel right when she heard a wet, sucking noise, and her uterus was passed over her head and slopped into a dish.
She screamed, and screamed, but the room remained silent. The screaming was in her mind, and Tasha gave over to blissful darkness, slipping into unconscious just as she heard her doctor shout out her blood loss had gotten out of hand. Tasha's last thought was she needed the Soldier to be there.
A cold hand grasped the back of her neck and squeezed, Bucky's voice murmured in her ear, trying to bring her back to the present. Another body was at her back, one arm wrapped around her waist and holding as tightly as they could.
Familiar aftershave filled her nostrils and she sighed, leaning back into the warmth that was Bruce. "Stay with me," he mumbled quietly.
Taking a deep breath, Tasha shuffled back into his warmth and turned her face until her lips found his, ignoring Bucky for the moment. "I'm sorry."
Bruce kissed her heatedly until his watch beeped, growing more rapid and he was forced to break the kiss, his lips brushing her forehead. "Come back inside with me."
Tasha shook her head and smiled at him. "I'm alright. I flashed back, it's gone now. I need to finish talking with Bucky though."
She saw Bruce's indecision, kissing his cheek to soothe him. She promised to come inside soon, and they would go out to dinner together. It seemed to appease him, and he left the two alone to continue their conversation. Tasha stole another cigarette from him and lit it, inhaling several drags before she spoke.
"I'd put the ceremony out of mind for some time now, I didn't think it bothered me anymore."
Bucky looked at her and cocked his head in thought. "It was a massive event, Tasha. It stands to reason that even though you were conditioned and trained not to feel anything about it, there would always be some subconscious scarring, mentally."
Laughing, Tasha nodded and squeezed his hand. "Thank you, for getting Bruce for me. I don't know if I could have pulled myself out of it."
He nodded once, sharp. "You're going to have to tell him everything at some point."
"I know," she sighed. "I just haven't worked out, or how to tell him you and I were lovers. The hardest part is going to be telling Tony that you were my mentor, my trainer. I was supposed to be sent on the mission that killed his parents, the only reason I wasn't was because I was injured after Zola botched my dose of serum and nearly killed me."
A high-pitched keening noise caught her attention. Tasha rose to her feet and turned to face the sound, only to find Tony stood there, his face pinched in agony and eyes ablaze in fury. Too late she realised he had heard the final part of what she had said. "Tony…" she whispered.
The fury in his eyes gave way to pain and he turned, falling to his knees and vomiting onto the pebbled floor, collapsing as Steve hurtled through the doorway and grabbed him before he could hit his head. Tasha had no idea if she could repair this kind of damage, and for the first time since coming back to the tower, she feared that she might not be allowed in his life any longer.
