It was no secret that Kanae blamed the copy-nin for the death of her youngest daughter.
At first, Asuka did too.
Kanae had been so distraught over Rin's death that she banned any talk of it from their household. Asuka -only five when his kind-hearted aunt suddenly stopped babysitting him- had been quite distressed when he had asked his mother where Auntie had gone, only to be told she had passed away in the war in service to the village.
Kanae had been enraged. Heroic sacrifice or not, to her, Rin was the sweet girl who was going to one day surpass the Sannin Tsunade in terms of her medical ninjutsu prowess. The icing on the cake was that it was the same stupid boy she'd been nursing a crush on that had created the hole in her chest.
The irony of the situation was almost too much.
To Kanae, the son of the White Fang–the man who had started the damn war in the first place by foolishly prioritizing his teammates over the mission– had killed his last teammate. Pah!
(Hatake had tried to speak to Kanae on multiple occasions– to apologize, grieve, explain himself, she didn't care– Kanae had chased him away every time.)
Asuka's mother, a kunoichi named Youko, had been more understanding. When Asuka's first impulse was to follow in his grandmother's footsteps and hate Hatake, Youko had simply told him that it was likely that Kakashi was grieving as well.
"Why?" he had asked. "Why would he grieve for her?"
Youko gave him a sad smile. She knew that in her mother's own pain that she had refused to learn anything to do with the circumstances surrounding her youngest's death. However, Youko, in her own pain, wanted to know what had happened and learned that her little sister was a self-sacrificing hero– a fact Kanae refused to acknowledge, because it hurt too much.
"Asuka-chan, if you're going to become a shinobi, it's important to realize that you cannot trust the information given to you by only one person. People are inherently biased– you have to dig beneath the surface in order to find out what truly occurred and to form your own opinion."
"Are you saying Baa-chan is biased?"
Youko nodded. "Your grandmother despises Hatake-san because he took your aunt away. However, your aunt's mission became derailed and she was kidnapped by Kiri shinobi who sealed something bad into her that would've killed a lot of people if it had reached the village."
Asuka's eyes widened. "So… Hatake killed Auntie because she had been turned into a weapon!?"
Youko grimaced, then patted her son on the head. He looked up at her with wide brown eyes. "Your aunt sacrificed herself for the safety of the village…Auntie ended her own life. Hatake's jutsu was merely the method she chose."
So little Asuka thought about what his mother had told him and came to the conclusion that it made him sad.
It wasn't fair that his aunt had to die. The way he saw it was that without the interference of Kiri-nin, his aunt would still be alive and Hatake Kakashi wouldn't have been forced to kill her.
A fire was born within him to do whatever he could by whatever means necessary to protect the village, so that no one would have to suffer the same kind of loss he did or the same kind of pain his family and the copy-nin were feeling.
And for a long time, Asuka hated Kirigakure.
When Asuka was six, two things of great note happened to him.
Firstly, the Nine Tailed Demon Fox attacked the village. In the chaos, his mother, Nohara-Nara Youko, was killed.
Asuka was left orphaned and under the care of Kanae.
(His father, Nara Akaashi, had been missing in action and presumed dead since he was a toddler. During the end of the Third Shinobi War, the man disappeared during an ambush on an Iwa camp and his mother, though she tried to hide it, hadn't been the same since.)
Secondly, Kanae, heartbroken by two major losses happening less than a year within each other, pulled Asuka out of the academy.
Asuka had been extremely pissed off and very embarrassed. There was no way he could protect the village from those Bloody Mist bastards or scary demons if he didn't become a shinobi!? He was the last of his bloodline and the heir to his clan. Not being allowed to go to the Academy made their clan look weak. Made him look like he was weak. Made him feel weak.
Asuka knew that his grandmother felt a deep, all encompassing sense of grief. She had lost both of her children. He did too. He missed his mother greatly and spent a lot of time lying in her old room, staring at the ceiling. It still smelled like her in there.
But he refused to have any part in enabling Kanae and preventing them both from being able to heal from their deaths. The Academy would help him! Asuka couldn't stand to be in the silent compound all day with nothing but his thoughts and empty chest for company.
So he did the only thing he could do.
He transformed into Kanae and re-enrolled himself.
One of his mother's favorite pastimes with him was to teach him jutsu that was more advanced than what he knew and watching him struggle through it until he learnt it. Asuka knew most of the theory that was being taught at the Academy already due to his viciously smart mother. He was also naturally competitive and liked winning. So as there was an Uchiha in his class that seemed especially prodigious, Asuka continued to teach himself jutsu, pushing himself harder and harder past his limits until eventually he got it.
He knew his mother would be proud of him.
As for Kanae, she was too wrapped up in her own grief to notice Asuka's comings and goings. Each time she asked about his whereabouts, he spun lies that he desperately hoped were believable.
"I was at the library, baa-chan."
"I met some friends down at the playground and we played Ninja."
"I took a hike up to the top of Hokage mountain to watch the sunrise and then got lost."
It got easier once he became older and learned how to make clones.
Eventually, Asuka got cocky. Then he got caught in the act.
It was during his fourth year of the Academy. He had been sloppy and left a notice regarding his scheduled parent-teacher conference out in the open. Not really out in the open open, but in a place where its corner was seen peeking out of a drawer by Kanae. Usually he read or did all assignments at the library or outside.
When he got to the Academy that evening, transformed as Kanae, he had a nasty surprise waiting for him. The actual Kanae, along with his sensei, both waiting for him.
"Asuka," said Kanae, voice level and a chill rushed down his back like a bucket of cold water. This was her you're-in-trouble-you-little-shit-but-we're-in-a-public-place voice. Asuka was screwed. "I withdrew you from the Academy four years ago. Want to explain why I am at a parent teacher conference?"
His sensei looked very confused to see two Kanaes. Asuka let out a shudder and released the transformation. Suzume-sensei's eyes widened minutely behind her glasses.
"Baa-chan, Sensei, I can explain–"
"Please do," snapped Kanae, "You directly disobeyed me- have been disobeying me for years! Asuka, you went behind my back!"
"Yeah, I did, but listen–"
"I told you I didn't want you to become a kunoichi! It's dangerous!"
"Baa-chan! Just listen to me–"
"Nohara-san! Asuka-chan! Please!" Suzume interrupted, stepping between them. Kanae's lips spread into a thin line. Asuka straightened his posture. "I too would like Asuka-chan to explain herself. But she won't be able to if you keep interrupting each other! Now, how about Asuka-chan goes first?"
Asuka grunted. He really didn't like being called by the -chan honorific. He'd prefer -san or better yet, -kun. He thought it was demeaning and childish. It just pissed him off for a reason he couldn't place and always made him feel vaguely nauseous.
"I want to become a shinobi. I need to protect the village. I don't want to lose anymore people who are precious to me–"
" You are precious to me, Asuka! I wouldn't be able to handle it if you were to die!"
"–I want to be someone strong enough that I can beat the hell out of all those Kiri shitheads and–"
"Language!"
"And anyone who tries to touch the village! Baa-chan, what happened to Kaa-san and Auntie was terrible, but anyone can die at any time in this line of work!"
"That's why I refuse to let you be in my line of work, Asuka!"
"Hah!" he cried, digging his heel into the Academy's worn floors, "If the village got hit by a meteorite tomorrow, we'd all be dead and there's no ninjutsu that could prevent it! If the Nine Tails came back this afternoon, most of us would be dust in its path of destruction! People die, baa-chan! It's how you live that matters, and I want to live to prevent that kind of pain for anyone else!"
Kanae didn't say anything for a long minute. Her face darkened. The barely-visible crows feet around her eyes deepened.
"Suzume-san."
"Y-Yes?" stuttered his sensei.
"Get me the paperwork for withdrawing a student."
Kanae didn't budge.
As a result, Asuka barely spoke to her.
He knew why she did it, the deep, deep scars of loss– losing cousins and siblings and the grandfather he never knew, and the family he did know. The deep trauma from two wars fought. Kanae had seen the worst of humanity– the violence and suffering wrought from desperation. She had an iron resolve born from those circumstances to protect her precious people.
The woman was, quite frankly, holding on to the last thread of her sanity.
For that, Asuka cut her a break.
He loved her and his heart ached when he thought of all that she'd been through. However, Asuka did not believe it excused her actions in the slightest when it came to attempting to keep him in a glorified cage to 'protect him' from all the bad things in the outside world.
Asuka just thought this would make him useless and unable to defend himself.
Easy pickings.
Idly, he wondered if he was born biologically male if he would be subject to this level of coddling, if Kanae believed he was useless and bound to die like both of her daughters because of his gender. It offended Asuka greatly.
Both of them had been great kunoichi, just horribly unlucky. That's really all it came down to in the end. Bad luck.
Kanae had made sure the Academy had taken note of his chakra signature and unceremoniously banned him from its premises.
Asuka thought that was bullshit. He refused to sit around in the house all day doing nothing. He was too angry to sit around the compound all day. So he went to the library and checked out scrolls, and tried to teach himself jutsu.
It went about as well as one would expect.
Most of the time they blew up in his face. A lot of the time it took him months to get them down, but when he got something, it stuck.
He sought out random chuunin and jounin to spar with him. Bored genin teams too. Asuka frequently got his ass handed to him. But he learned.
Often, Kanae had to treat bruises and bloody noses and fractures he didn't realize had happened. She'd ask what had happened and he'd refuse to reply. Dinners were an awkward, silent affair. Kanae tried to ask him what he'd been doing during the day and he gave her curt one word answers like, library, or exploring.
The atmosphere in the compound was extremely frigid.
The Nohara clan were herbalists. Many had chosen to become medics. Kanae herself had medical ninjutsu training. During the Second Shinobi war she had been a field medic before she transferred to the cryptology unit. Kanae didn't want this secret of their clan to die out with her, so she tried to teach Asuka now that he had a large amount of free time.
Asuka frequently gave excuses as to why he didn't have time for herbalist lessons.
He had plans with friends. He had a part time job at the library. He was supposed to meet up with someone.
All of these were lies. Asuka only sought out other people to train. Sure, he consistently had sparring partners, but he didn't really get along with other kids his age. He didn't know how to interact with girls. They had a lot of rules and a hierarchy that he thought figuring out was entirely too troublesome to bother with. Some boys were tolerable, but he didn't understand them either. Asuka honestly just felt out of place.
Being banned from the Academy also didn't help any social standing he may have had.
Kanae let him go most of the time. Other times he had to sit down to lessons with her or she'd get suspicious.
(Both of them knew what was happening. It was the elephant in the room. However, neither acknowledged it.)
About a year into the ban, Kanae broke.
She decided to let Asuka go back and negotiated an end to the ban. With several conditions.
One: Asuka was not to become a field shinobi. If he were to advance from genin, then he would take a job at the mission assignment desk or at the gate.
Two: Asuka couldn't advance beyond chuunin. Chuunin don't get dangerous missions.
Three: Asuka would have to learn medical ninjutsu. It would come in handy in case he ever needed to save his own life, or someone else's.
Asuka agreed.
With fingers on both hands crossed behind his back.
