Chapter 61: Denial.
After my experimental show at the plaza, we went to one of the largest hotels in the area, in the hopes there'll still be rooms available tonight. Of course, I could go back to Luna Nova; it's not even that late yet, but… well, I would be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to, maybe, possibly, spending the night with Croix. I know, I know! I shouldn't. She's literally my ex and we hadn't even talked since our break up, but… I just… I still love her, okay? And maybe this whole "helping each other" situation will bring us back together, and I don't mean just as friends.
A girl can dream, alright?
And so, we enter the hotel and I strut right to the reception desk, with Croix trailing a few paces behind me, hands inside her pockets and eyes darting about, appearing distracted. Perfect. Hopefully I'll be able to ask for a single hotel room with a double bed for the two of us without her protesting.
"Hi." I smile at the woman at the desk. "Do you still have any rooms available?"
"Hello, and welcome to our hotel." She gives me an equally polite smile. "Just one night?"
"Yeah." I nod in confirmation. "If you have a room with a double bed, that'll be perfect." She pauses to check the information on her computer
"Ah, it seems you're in luck." She reassures me. "It's our last room for two, and it has a single queen-sized bed. Is that correct?"
"Yeah, that's perfect." I say a little too eagerly, but Croix doesn't protest either, so that gets my hopes up even more.
"Will you be paying in cash or do you have a credit card?"
"Oh, here!" I quickly search in my pockets, and I'm glad to see I did remember to bring the card where I receive all the money from my shows, merchandise and the like. It's… a lot. I lost count a long time ago of how much money I have already, to be honest, and I don't want to think about it either, but it does come in handy whenever I'm in need of a hotel, a car ride, snacks or whatever.
The lady takes the card, puts it in the machine and gives me the receipt to sign. I do just that and then she hands me both my debit card and an access card to my room with the number on it. I thank her, and then promptly head towards the elevator, with Croix following close behind.
I hit the number five as soon as we're both inside and we stay in silence as the numbers start climbing up. I want to say something, but I don't know what! I don't want to make things awkward, and I don't want to pressure her, but we're about to share a room and neither of us brought pajamas, so I assume we'll be sleeping in our underwear or… naked. I blush at the mere thought, and suddenly the metallic walls of the elevator seem very interesting. Still, I should say something; address the elephant in the room, so to speak. And so, I take a deep breath and open my mouth when-
The elevator doors swing open with ding sound, interrupting me. Well… I guess we can talk about it in the privacy of our room. And so, I exit, only pausing at the door to make sure Croix is following me. To my surprise, however, she's still standing at one corner of the lift, arms crossed over her chest and eyes looking at the floor in deep contemplation. I frown.
"Croix?" I call.
"Hm?" She looks at me with indifference, not making any attempt to move except when the doors start closing and she hits the hold-door button with her hand.
"This is our floor." I inform her.
"Oh!" She reaches inside her pocket and extracts a white card, similar to the one I have in my hand, except with the numbers 703 in it. "Actually, I'm at floor seven." She simply says.
"What-"
"Goodnight, Chariot." And with that, the doors close on my face, taking her out of my sight.
I'm tempted to take the stairs, follow her to room 703 and demand that she lets me sleep with her, but… What excuse could I have, really? I already have a room; she saw me pay for it! I could say I can't access my own, but she'd just tell me to inform the personnel. Ugh, it's useless! If she wanted to sleep with me, she would've told me she already had a room and invited me to share it with her, but instead… instead, she kept silent.
It's the proper thing to do, I suppose. We're not dating anymore, and obviously I can afford to pay for my own damn room. But… I still feel betrayed, outraged even, with tears pricking my eyes as I see my unfounded dreams crumble before me. And I know I shouldn't be feeling like this. I shouldn't want to go up and yell at Croix and tell her I still want to be with her, despite everything, but… I can't help it. And I have to firmly grip my own arms in order to refrain myself from doing anything stupid.
Still, as I walk stiffly towards my own room, I already know I probably won't be sleeping well tonight.
After grabbing a ton of coffee, so I can stay awake after a rather restless night, and some bread for breakfast at the hotel, Croix and I make our way to London the next day. I try to make conversation with her, both while we eat and on the way to London, but she shuts down any and all attempts with her curt answers and uninterested attitude. I can't say it doesn't hurt, of course, but… at least she doesn't seem to be angry at me, more like…. absorbed into her own thoughts. And I guess I can't blame her; she truly is trying to do something very important by transforming people's dreams into magic, so it was to be expected she can't really focus on anything else.
Still, it hurts. It shouldn't, but it hurts.
But regardless of how I feel about Croix's current attitude, we arrive at the office building of my employers around noon. Immediately, I go search for my manager with Croix trailing close behind me, and when I finally enter his office, I find him sitting at his desk, as usual, and going through some documents. He looks up when I arrive, however, looking a little irritated at my unannounced entrance.
"Chariot." He says as a greeting. "Enjoyed your vacation?" He asks after a brief moment of silence. I notice his eyes darting towards my left and turn briefly to confirm Croix is standing there.
"This is Croix." I rush to introduce her. "She's my… f-friend." Damnit. It still feels so wrong not to call her my girlfriend, but I really didn't want either of them to notice my little faltering.
"Nice to meet you." Croix says, stepping past me and offering her hand to shake, which my manager does with some reluctance. "I was told Chariot is having trouble with her shows, so I'm here to help."
"And how exactly will you do that?" He raises an eyebrow, no doubt skeptical of Croix's ability to do much of anything. Can't really blame him, of course; in a building full of people with business suits and jackets, Croix's rather pedestrian outfit makes her look very unprofessional. Still, she's the best of the best, so I'm not exactly worried about her ability to convince him to go along with our plan.
"Glad you asked." She smirks, seemingly unbothered, and quickly grabs something out of her pocket before showing it to him. One of her cubes. "It's a technology I've been developing and need to test. If used correctly, Chariot should be able to use people's dreams as magic, essentially giving her unlimited access to magical power." She explains. "All I ask in exchange is that you give me permission to collect data during her shows, for which my cubes must be present. They can take any form I want, however, so this shouldn't be an issue."
He pauses, eying the seemingly inert black cube, then Croix, then the cube again. He still doesn't look very convinced.
"Let me see if I understood." He starts, fixing his gaze on Croix. "You are saying that you can give Chariot unlimited access to magic?"
"Correct." She nods confidently.
"But… it's untested." He then clarifies, narrowing his eyes.
"We tested it yesterday." I quickly intervene. "It works splendidly."
"Indeed." Croix nods. "But regardless, I still need more data, which is why I say I need to test it on Chariot's shows, but I assure you she will have no problem using it."
"I… see." He frowns. "And do you require any sort of monetary compensation?"
"Only to have my traveling expenses covered while Chariot is on tour, since I'll have to be traveling with her, but other than that… all I ask is access to the data." She assures him.
Still, it doesn't seem like my manager is completely sold on the idea, as he keeps eying the cube with distrust.
"I don't know if we should-"
"How about a demonstration?" Croix interrupts him. "If you can get us a small crowd, Chariot and I should be able to show you how it'd work on the stage."
"A… demonstration?" He muses. "Yeah, that's probably a good idea. I don't want to rush into any decisions, especially regarding something I don't quite understand."
"Don't worry." Croix chuckles. "Seeing is believing, after all. And I'd rather let my work speak for itself."
"It's settled then." He says, rising up from his chair. "I'll assemble a test audience for later today. You should get ready meanwhile." And with that, he takes his leave.
I'm getting changed in my changing room, as usual. Well… as usual as it can be with Croix sitting on my chair while going through something on her laptop. Although… I did catch her stealing a few glances here and there. Well, I can work with that.
"So… how will this whole thing work?" I decide to break the silence. "Will you have your cubes just floating around?"
"Well…" She pauses, mulling over her answer. "I actually wanted to make something similar to Samhain, you know? A small monster for you to shoot down and impress the public."
"Wouldn't that be dangerous?" I can't help questioning, as images of the Samhain festival and the ruined stage appear in my mind.
"No, I'll have complete control over it." She assures me, briefly darting her eyes away from the screen. "I did in Samhain too, but I needed the situation to look more perilous than it actually was."
"So that I wouldn't get expelled, right?" I smile, now fully wearing my costume, as I take a few steps on her direction, only stopping once I'm right beside her. She, however, just hums in acknowledgment and keeps typing away on her keyboard. Well, that just won't do. "What are you doing?" I ask, as I lean on the banister in such a way that my cleavage is very visible for Croix. My friend's eyes dart down for a brief moment, but then her gaze meets mine in an almost disinterested manner.
"Just getting started on my report about dream fuel spirit." She shrugs. "I need it to be perfect if I want that scholarship."
"I see." I scout in a little closer, and her eyes dart down again before she sighs in exasperation.
"I know what you're doing." She rolls her eyes before returning to her task. "Don't even bother; I'm just here for my research."
"Right." I shoot her a skeptical gaze. "That's why you're helping me with the shows you so explicitly hate. Not because you still like me. Sure." My voice is dripping with sarcasm, and Croix undoubtedly notices, because her eyes dart away from the screen for a moment just to shoot me an annoyed glare.
"I told you I don't want things to get messy." She snarls.
"Alright then." I straighten up so that now I'm towering over her, and I watch amusingly as she makes eye contact with the aperture at my belly button before swallowing and looking up defiantly. "I suppose watching me get dressed was part of your research then."
"Look. I'm not blind." She tries to defend herself. "But that doesn't mean I want us to get back together."
"But we'll be working together!" I argue. "For however long your research takes, we'll be seeing each other pretty often, so we might as well make the most of it, right?"
"Like… friends with benefits?" She raises an eyebrow.
"What? No! I just… I know last time we saw each other we both said a lot of things we didn't mean." I try to explain. "But I know you Croix; I know deep down you still love me and-"
At my words, her eyes narrow and in a flash, she's standing up in front of me. I can't help but stop talking and cower under her gaze, but I still try to keep looking her in the eyes, attentive of what she'll do next.
"So that's what it is, isn't it?" She spats angrily. "Everyone must love Shiny Chariot. Even after all that happened, after all the lies, the distance and the hurt… I must still love you, right?"
"I-I… w-well… I-I didn't-" I stutter to try and get a coherent sentence out of my mouth, but she interrupts me before I can.
"The only reason I'm helping you right now is because it's convenient for me, got it?"
"Y-yeah…" I squeak out, trying not to show the gaping wound inside my heart… although I'm sure it's pretty apparent in my eyes. "I-I'm sorry, I just… I… I still love you." I confess, only managing to meet her eyes for a second before having to look away. I can't stand the coldness in them; it feels like it'll freeze me from the inside out.
I hear Croix sigh, and I chance a glance to see her close her eyes for a moment, like she's mulling over something. When she finally opens them, however, they're… not as cold as before. Dare I say they look a little sad instead.
"I don't." She breathes out. "I don't love you anymore."
It's feels as if someone just punched me square on the stomach; I can barely breathe and I start hyperventilating. I swallow, trying to get rid of the knot that appeared on my throat, but it's useless, and soon enough I also have to deal with my eyes burning as if someone just poured acid in them.
This is so wrong. Why can't she love me? Is she even telling the truth? Is she saying this just to hurt me? To get revenge for how I hurt her? I just… I can't believe it! I can't believe what she's saying. She… she wouldn't be here if she didn't love me, right? But… but she said…
I furiously wipe away the tears with my left sleeve, while I grip tightly the banister behind me with my other hand. Maybe I'll break it, but I can't find it in myself to care right now. I need something to hold on to, since it feels like Croix just pulled the ground right from under me.
"See? This is what I was trying to avoid." Croix sounds exasperated as anything, so I don't dare look at her, fearing I'll feel even worse if I do. "Feelings are so messy. I'd rather study them in a lab than have to deal with them in real life."
I try to calm down and listen to what she's saying, but my brain can't really process her words right now… not that it matters, because what she says next is easy to understand.
"Here." She takes my left hand and places something in it. A… tissue? "You should probably get presentable now; you'll be on stage soon."
I simply nod in response and quickly use the tissue to dry my tears and blow my nose. And… as I see Croix go sit in front of her computer again, I feel the pain in my chest start to diminish.
Why? She said she didn't love me! By all accounts I should still be devastated, but… she handed me this tissue. And I know it's not much. I know it doesn't follow any logic, but for me, this simple action speaks louder than anything she could say.
She… she still loves me, I know it. She can't… She must be lying! Why? I can only guess, but at least now I have hope.
Or perhaps… perhaps I'm simply holding on to nothing.
A/N: Thanks for reading! Ngl, I kinda felt bad for Chariot while writing this lol. Please leave a review/favorite/follow if you liked it, and I'll see y'all in two weeks as usual.
Thanks to my beta reader moonwatcher13.
