the title is a star wars reference, yes
p.s. please read the end note
oOo
Felix and Alice had fallen into a restless sleep in Sam and Irene's tent, lulled by Diana's gentle fingers grazing their skin. Diana had been tempted to join them, her own exhaustion creeping into her body, making her limbs and eyelids heavy, but there was too much to be done.
She didn't know what exactly at first, but she knew that she couldn't nap the day away while the other survivors labored to tend to their wounded and count their dead. One of those was her job.
So she threw herself headfirst into it.
She went into camp, making the rounds, checking up on her patients - the ones that had made it out alive, that is. She added 'deceased' and the date of death in her journal on the records of those who hadn't survived the night. But not to her patient no. 1. Not him, not yet.
Diana was rubbing the tears from her eyes and swallowing the knot in her throat when she was startled by a voice calling her name. She pivoted on the folding chair. "Rick?" She cleared her throat.
The man looked worse for wear, but she guessed everyone did. He approached her with a tired gait, his fingertips rubbing over his eyes and then pinching the bridge of his nose.
Out of professional politeness, Diana offered him her chair and propped up a second one to sit. Rick accepted it reluctantly. She wanted to ask if there was something wrong, but that would've been the stupidest question of the year, so she waited for him to speak.
"Diana, I want you to know that I am so sorry for what happened to your family. After you helped me find mine, this happening is… it's not fair to any of you," Rick's voice was grave and honest. "You're amazing kids, I believe there's nothing you'd do that wouldn't make your parents proud…" His blue eyes bore into Diana's cinnamon brown. "And Diana, your role in this group is invaluable, I hope you know that.
You've taken care of us 'round-the-clock without asking for nothing in return. Well, now I'm offering something, a family. Not a replacement. There's nothing that could ever replace what the three of you have lost – but an addition. Rely on us like we've come to rely on you.
It's okay to not be strong all the time."
His short speech had been unexpected but unsurprisingly welcome. Diana didn't know she was crying until the image of Rick became bent out of shape by the tears in her eyes. The back of her hand flew to wipe them away. She wanted to chuckle to dispel the waterworks, but all that came out were sobs.
She felt moved by Rick's words. The tears of grief came mixed with relief. Pen and journal went forgotten, tumbling to the ground at her feet, while she curled in on herself, bawling. Rick had knelt by her side, as she could see through the spaces between her fingers. His hand was rubbing up and down her back, and he was hushing her gently like her father would.
She cried even more.
The sobs subsided little by little, and although Diana thought she'd feel embarrassed by making such a scene, she didn't. She recalled Felix crying earlier when T-Dog came by. Or when she'd comforted fellow survivors who'd also lost loved ones. There was nothing to be embarrassed about when dealing with loss. Rick would understand her tears.
Diana believed that a good cry could make you feel lighter, better. This was like that and it wasn't. She knew it was only temporary, the grief was still too fresh to be erased so suddenly, no matter how many times she'd already cried that morning.
She straightened herself while sniffing away snot and wiping away tears with the sleeve of her hoodie. She looked into Rick's empathetic eyes and said, "I-" her voice came out gravelly and she cleared her throat, "Thank you, Rick, for real. From the bottom of my heart. And I… I think I never said how happy I was that you found your family, but I am, Rick. I really, really am."
Rick smiled a small, almost sad smile and stood up. He was turned to leave when he froze. "There's uh… there's another reason I came here." He faced her with grim lines set in his face. "Jim's been bitten."
There was a short flashback to Sam's mangled neck and Irene's guts spilling out of her belly that left Diana a little shell-shocked. Rick must've seen it because he shook his head and said, "You don't have to come, just tell us if there's something we can do and we'll do it."
Diana's eyes fell to her clasped hands on her lap, the fidgeting fingers, nervous and idle. Then her gaze met her fallen journal.
She needed the research…
This viral plague or whatever it was, was new to the human race, and it needed researching. She was a mere nursing student, no Einstein in her field, but the more notes she took, the more information she gathered, the better. If someone more intelligent than she could make use of them…
If it helped to prevent another child losing their parent, or anyone else losing a loved one, then it was worth it. The long dead were long gone, but someone like Jim, there could be hope for someone like him in the future.
Now she needed only see if there was hope for him now.
"Diana?" Rick called, startling her. "It's okay… No one's expecting you to-"
"Send someone to look after my kids, Glenn, if he can," Diana interrupted. She picked up her journal and pen and stood from the folding chair with an aching body. "I'll gather my things."
Rick gave her a grateful nod, which Diana returned.
oOo
Rick returned with Glenn in tow. Diana awaited both with her backpack hanging from one shoulder and journal hugged against her chest.
Predictably, Glenn tried to convince Diana that she was not obligated to do absolutely anything. She shut him down by saying that even if she wasn't obligated, which she kind of was as the caretaker of the group, she would still do it if it meant Jim wouldn't suffer like her parents did.
Glenn still didn't seem fully swayed by it, but he understood the sentiment and supported her and promised to look after the kids however long she'd be gone.
"Don't let them see Jim, though. Please," Diana begged to both Rick and Glenn. They'd seen the carnage happen, they didn't need any more reminders of it.
Rick led her through camp, where now, in the daylight, Diana could see the clear aftermath of death. The corpses of both dead and undead had been cleared, but the soil still marked their passing. The smell of burning rotten flesh was still present and added to the stink of viscera and blood, it made Diana queasy.
He led her up to the familiar RV, the symbol of their camp. Some of the survivors stood around it, anxiously waiting. Diana recognized the surprise in some of their faces at seeing her next to Rick, marching up to the vehicle.
Daryl, who had come by earlier and found her crying in her tent after the kids had fallen asleep, who had held her selflessly and wordlessly until she had calmed, came forward. "Hey, what're you doin'? Where you goin'?" he called, dropping a pickaxe he'd had over his shoulder. He strode towards her and Rick, and addressed the latter, "You keep her outta this, she ain't gotta see this."
"I asked and she agreed," Rick said calmly, facing Daryl, who'd stepped in his path.
"You sick sonovabitch," Daryl all but yelled in his face. "That fucker's as good as dead!"
Diana sidestepped both men.
She appreciated Daryl defending her, but she'd already made up her mind, saying more on the subject was only a waste of time, hers and Jim's.
"Diana!" Daryl called after her. She shot a sarcastic peace sign over her shoulder and climbed into the RV, avoiding Lori who was perched on the front step of it.
Jim lied on the bed in the back, Carol by his side, whispering words of comfort and stroking his hair away from his forehead.
Diana nodded in greeting. Jim only took notice of her once she was standing at the end of the bed, where she set her backpack. His smile came out as a grimace and she was struck with sympathy.
Carol, who was seeing she for the first time after last night, stood from her stool and enveloped her in a hug. Her eyes had been glossy and rimmed red.
Her embrace felt so warm and motherly; Diana fastened her arms around her almost automatically, wanting to hold on to that bittersweet feeling. It made something tighten in her chest and she sighed deeply.
Carol rubbed her back, hushing her. "It's okay to cry," she whispered with a voice like dripping honey, "It's okay to be upset." Little did she know that all Diana had been doing was crying.
When they parted, Carol caressed her cheek, offered her a sad but heartfelt smile and left without another word.
Diana dried her watery eyes with the back of her hands and plopped herself down on the stool silently.
Jim watched her with half-lidded eyes. "I'm sorry," were the first words he said to her. Diana wasn't sure if he meant for her loss or because she had been recruited to help him. So she said nothing.
She tried putting a reassuring smile on her lips when she looked at the man's fearful face, but it felt too forced, so she let her expression fall to a neutral one. "How're you feeling?"
He chuckled humorlessly and gestured vaguely with one hand. "Just as good as you can imagine."
"Yeah, I understand." That had been a senseless question. She put the back of her hand to his slick forehead - yeah, he was running a fever alright. She considered asking how his pain was on a scale from one to ten, but it felt unnecessary. It was obvious from the way his face was screwed together.
"I'll give you something for the pain, it'll also hopefully bring down your fever, but I wouldn't count on it." She winced at the casual tone of her remark and cleared her throat. "After that, I have some questions that I need you to answer as truthfully as you can."
Jim nodded, his eyes looking past her and his breathing ragged.
Diana stood from the stool to fetch a glass of water from Dale's kitchenette and offered him a Paracetamol from her kit before helping him down both.
She took her journal and opened it to Jim's entry, which had been dog-eared. She measured his temperature and jotted it down, asking how long ago he'd been bitten, judging roughly how quick it had risen in that period of time. Next was his blood pressure, which was low while his pulse was over 120 bpm.
She wrote down the location of the bite, the size, and how that could affect the spreading of the infection. She asked about his symptoms – body aches like that of a bad flu but 100 times worse, he'd said. Difficulty breathing with a stabbing sensation in the chest, inner tremors, shaky vision…
She wrote down everything she could see and everything she could think to ask.
She took his temperature again and noticed that the pill had been without effect - the fever had risen even more. Diana closed the journal with a sigh. She said nothing to Jim, but she knew he knew.
She snapped on some disposable gloves and prepared to clean and dress his wound.
"I heard what happened." Jim inhaled shakily. "I know I'm a lost cause, you don't need to keep-"
"Jim, I'm gonna need you to shut up," Diana ordered, and then looked up at him, "no offense." Talking would only raise his already racing pulse, which would only result in the infection spreading faster. Also, she didn't need to be constantly reminded of what had happened, she knew.
He nodded and laid his head back down, his eyes momentarily going out of focus. Daryl had been right, there was nothing she could do to save him, he was practically a dead man already, and she would not be there to watch him come back to life.
She rinsed the wound, stopping when Jim flinched and mumbled an apology. She disinfected it, applied an antibiotic ointment she'd gotten from Glenn, and ended it by covering it with a sterile compress and taping it in place.
"Jim?" she called while removing her gloves, and the man opened his bleary eyes to her. He was bathed in sweat and his skin was still fervent. Diana didn't know what else to do. It sounded a little cruel, but she didn't want to waste any antibiotics on a dying man. Firstly, because she didn't even know the cause of the infection and if they would have any effect on it. Secondly, it would be a waste of resources, and antibiotics were not easy to come by.
"Still here," he rasped.
Diana sighed and rubbed her temples, with a headache forming under her fingertips. "The pill not helping?"
"I'm fine," he lied and smiled at her tiredly. He searched for her hand and squeezed it. "Thank you."
Diana mustered up a sliver of a sad smile and squeezed back. "I'm sorry I can't do more for you," her voice was low and heartfelt.
He chuckled and then winced from the pain, a hand stumbling to his abdomen. He opened one eye to peek at her. "You can put one of those arrows of yours in my brain and call it a day."
"Jim…" Diana looked away. She felt sorry for him but grateful for his patience with her and her questions and lacking knowledge. Not many would've been so graceful.
"Tell me, how does it work? When I saw you I thought I was dreaming." His eyes searched for answers on her face. "What are you?"
"I'm useless, that's what I am." The corner of her lip lifted pitifully. Jim squeezed her hand again, bringing her attention back to him.
"No, you're not. You're hope. You are a damned man's hope. You didn't have to do this for me, you know it's no use." He stopped and coughed painfully. "Especially after what happened to-"
"It's okay, Jim," Diana interrupted, taking the stab. She let go of his too warm hand, resting it gently on the bed beside him.
He stared at her with fevered glossy eyes and nodded. "Don't give up on that hope, okay? Even when it gets hard- especially when it gets hard." The corner of his lip raised painfully. "I know, rich coming from me, right?"
"Thank you." Diana smiled sadly, if only to appease him, and swept the wet hair from his forehead, the skin never cooling.
"Rick wants to go to the CDC because of me, tell him he doesn't have to. I won't make it there." His eyes were unfocused, blinking uncontrollably for a few seconds before he closed them with a sigh.
Diana stared for a second, scared that she'd just witnessed his last moment. She rested her hand on his chest, the shallow breathing rising and falling his chest made her sigh in relief. Maybe it would've been better for him to go like this, relatively peacefully, rather than suffer through whatever was bound to come.
She shook her head, even though she knew he couldn't see, and gave Jim's chest a few gentle taps. "We'll still try."
She stood in silence, threw the balled up rubber gloves away, refilled the glass and soaked a kitchen cloth with cool water. She guided him to drink a few sips and gently rested the folded cloth across his forehead. Jim sighed and Diana stroked his head in consolation. "I'm sorry," she whispered. In her thoughts, she apologized to her mom and dad as well.
Why couldn't she have been there sooner…
Diana shook her head, knowing that starting that line of thought again would not end well. She slowly packed her medkit and journal into her backpack.
She took one last glance at Jim's resting face, twisted in pain, and climbed out of the RV.
In the time that had lapsed, the other survivors had dispersed and only Lori had remained, surely awaiting her judgment. The woman had been pacing and jumped when their eyes met. She made towards Diana with wide eyes and brow raised in expectation.
"He doesn't have long," Diana stated firmly, a hint of sadness, and walked away.
She needed Felix and Alice. As devastating as their situation may be, and it was, time would not pause for them. There were already plans in the making, they needed to decide if they wanted to be part of them.
Diana had heard of the CDC but not much, seeing as she was European and American affairs only interested her when the bizarre was involved. That included abnormal weather conditions, anything related to UFOs, and Trump becoming President. Which she and her siblings still insisted had been the cause of the apocalypse.
But she wasn't sure about this. She wasn't sure if they should stay, just for the sake of staying near their parents' resting place as long as they could be, to properly grieve, or if they should leave for that exact same reason. A constant reminder of what had been taken away from them wouldn't be good for her and the kids.
And the CDC… Well, if not a cure for Jim, hopefully, they'd find some answers. If the place was still up and running. Who knew if it hadn't been its fall that had released some kind of pathogen that had initiated this whole mess. No, it would never have reached such a wide radius. Right?
But if it meant answers, Diana was ready to face whatever perils came their way to find a sanctuary and much needed hope.
She needed to talk with Alice and Felix.
oOo
Glenn and the kids were sitting around the fire pit once Diana returned to home camp. Her heart lurched at the sight of them. The clear absence of mom and dad was painful and disturbing. Her eyes jumped to their tent, waiting for them to come out at any second.
"Hey," Glenn said, breaking her out of her staring as she approached. "I told them about Jim and… what you were doing."
Diana nodded and swung her backpack from her shoulder and onto a chair. She answered their expectant looks with a slow shake of her head. "There's not a lot I can do, or anything at all…"
"I see," Glenn whispered, and looked down at his clasped hands.
Diana stepped forward and plopped herself down onto a sitting log. "There's something we gotta talk about," she addressed her brother and sister. They both looked exhausted, like sleeping had had the opposite effect on their bodies. "You know about the CDC?" she started.
Felix nodded but Alice just looked confused. Diana explained shortly what she knew about the government organization and then added, "I heard from Jim that Rick's planning on taking him there."
"That means all of us, too," Alice stated, questioning without asking, leaning backward with crossed arms.
Diana shrugged loosely. "Only if you want to. We don't gotta go with them. We can stay a little while lon-"
"We should go," Alice interrupted. She bit the inside of her cheek and seemed to search for her words. She spoke hesitantly, awkwardly, "There's… nothing we can do here anymore."
Diana knew what she meant. There was not really a life to be lived in that quarry. It made for a beautiful resting place, that much was true, but they were alive.
Felix, elbows propped on his knees, rubbed his eyes hard and nodded with a dragging sigh. "It's not safe here. Roamers found this place once, they'll find it again." His nose scrunched and he added, "It smells so much of blood, it won't be hard."
"I know this isn't a matter that involves me," Glenn interjected, "but I agree with them."
There was little to no more discussion left on the subject after that.
oOo
Diana looked around. The remaining campers had gathered for a small meeting, if it could be called that, and everyone was awaiting the return of Shane, Rick, and Dale, who were doing a sweep of the surrounding area for any remaining walkers. Her heart clenched when she thought of how her dad would've volunteered to do go with them, his sense of duty and protectiveness never failing.
Felix laid his weary head on her shoulder as if sensing the void in her chest, dragging his chair a little closer to hers. His droopy eyes closed for longer and longer with each blink. Diana caressed his cheek lightly then started grazing her fingertips on the side of his neck and the edge of his hairline. His head only grew heavier.
Alice yawned inaudibly behind her hand. Once she caught her sister's eyes and saw what she was doing, she immediately rolled up her sleeve up to her elbow and gave her her arm for cóceguinhas.
Diana never conceded more gladly.
Among the other survivors, she saw Andrea napping on a chair, a deep wrinkle between her eyebrows, and bloody hands wrapped around a blanket. Diana had been saddened to hear about Amy. She'd been a nice girl; she hadn't deserved it. But then again, neither had Sam and Irene, but that had never stopped any disaster from happening.
She could empathize with Andrea, felt a little bit sorry for her even, because while Diana still had her siblings, Andrea now had no one.
A hand on her shoulder had her looking up – Glenn. His kind face reminded her that blood family was not the only family she had left, and that made Andrea's reality all the gloomier.
The awaited group finally returned from the woods. Rick wordlessly joined his wife and child, embracing them. Shane propped his rifle against the back of a chair, which he then held onto, leaning forward into it.
He started off by stating their finds and then gave a small speech on how he trusted Rick's instincts and that they should too. That those who agreed to it would leave for the CDC in the morning.
Rick nodded in Diana's direction once his friend was done. "You were with Jim earlier, Diana, what's your verdict on his condition?"
Her hands stilled and Felix's head lifted from her shoulder. Diana straightened herself and swallowed around the lump in her throat. "Well, he's not well, simply put. Uhm, his… his fever won't go down and he's in terrible pain. He doesn't believe in his chances and, honestly, neither do I."
"You suggesting we leave him behind?" Shane asked, brow furrowed and hand on the waist of his pants.
"No, never. But it's not up to me." Diana lifted one shoulder and glanced at her clasped hands.
T-Dog took a step forward. "Y'all coming to the CDC?" he asked, gesturing to the three of them. "Do you think we should go?" that one was directed at Diana.
Diana stared blankly at him. To be honest, if the CDC had not been mentioned, she would not have known where to go from there. She was not particularly savvy about the US geography or its safe locations in case of emergency. But she had examined the CDC point of view and discussed it with her family and had found it to be their best choice.
"I'm not… I'm not at right to tell you what to do or where to go," she started, choosing her words carefully, "but I believe we should uhm… explore that option. I mean, I want answers as desperately as the next person. The CDC might be the best starting point."
"Then I'm coming, too," T-Dog said with a sure nonchalance. "I don't care about what y'all do, but where Diana and the kids go, I'll follow." He gave Felix a lopsided smile while his heavy hand ruffled the boy's locs.
Silence fell in the round. No one else announced any such similar sentiment, but there were thoughtful faces and glances being exchanged that made Diana think that there might a chance that her opinion might matter enough to enough people as to help make up their mind.
oOo
Diana had been adamant to leave the kids alone while tending to whatever issues were brought to her attention. But Alice had insisted that they would hate her forever if she didn't let them breathe, and although Diana knew in her subconscious that it was an empty and silly threat, she still didn't want to risk them resenting her.
They accepted Glenn's presence more willingly, maybe because it didn't come with the feeling of an overbearing mother hen that Diana's did. He kept them entertained and comforted them whenever needed. Alice was less delicate, her steel walls thick and unyielding. Felix's crying spells lessened as the day went on, but the wound was still fresh and deep, and he was too soft of a boy.
Diana returned when evening fell, feet dragging and soul weary. How was it possible to feel empty but hurt at the same time?
The only person at home camp was Glenn, who had waited for her to come back. It was incredible how much the two people she considered friends in that quarry differed from one another in terms of personality and how they showed their affection.
Glenn was a constant presence, reassuring and safe. Daryl was timely, checking on her every once in a while, and respecting her needs. It was a solid balance.
"Hey, Dee," Glenn greeted, standing up to face her.
"The kids asleep?" Diana asked, noticing the zipped up tent.
Glenn shook his head. "Nah, they… they ate and then said they'd be going to visit uh, visit your folks. I thought it'd be best to give them some space."
Diana opened her arms and Glenn met her halfway for a hug. Her chest felt warm with fondness. She sighed over his shoulder and whispered, "I'm sorry for the babysitting."
His arms tightened, a hand rubbing the space between her shoulder blades, and he shook his head minutely. "Don't be sorry." He let go and held her at arm's length. "I love you, the three of you. I'd hate myself for all eternity if I wasn't here for you. I'd feel offended, disgusted even."
Diana rested her forehead against Glenn's, a small smile curling on her lips. Grief was not an uncomplicated process, but it could be made more bearable with the right people at one's side.
He volunteered to stay the night with them, but Diana told him they'd be okay. She couldn't be selfish about his time. And she didn't want to become too dependent on him.
The cemetery looked somewhat frightening in the inky night, but peaceful in a bizarre way. Considering what it was the aftermath of, Diana thought the feeling was very contradictory and wrong.
She came onto a scene like something out of a gothic painting. Alice and Felix each lied on one side of the recent grave. A lantern by the name plaques Alice had carved bathed the scene in a dim warm light. The sense of peace overwhelmed the fear.
Diana joined Felix's side wordlessly, letting the silence continue to reign over them.
They used to stargaze all the time, the five of them in Portugal and then Switzerland. Sprawled out on the tiny balcony of their apartment, eating ice cream and scoping out the navy blue expanse. One time, they saw a UFO zooming by in the direction of the city, they could all swear on it.
Up on the mountain where grandma and grandpa had lived, where they'd always had the best view of the constellations; no big city, no light pollution. Just dotted skies as far as the eye could see, and mom and dad chatting with grandma and grandpa, back when grandpa was alive and grandma wasn't a badmouthing, backstabbing, jealous hag. They'd drink their late night cup of coffee while Diana and the kids would lie on the terrace, entranced by the view of the stars.
Right now, it felt as if Sam and Irene were right there, right next to them, looking up at the same moon and stars. Or that they were looking down on them from the deep firmament. Twin stars shining their light on their beloved children, watching over them, sending their love across the light-years.
The thought made Diana smile, then the smile cracked, and with it the cloud above her split open, pouring ice down on her. She didn't cry alone that time.
oOo
Once again, they fell asleep on Sam and Irene's sleeping bag. Their lingering scent was a feeble comfort, but a comfort nonetheless.
Felix had been lights out as soon as his head hit the nonexistent pillow. Diana had remained wide awake. She heard as insomniac Alice's breathing became deeper and slower and she murmured faintly in her sleep. Only then did she get blessed with the bliss of unconsciousness.
hey lovely people, emotional chapter amirite?
as an eager writer, I would like to ask for some feedback on this and future chapters
be it a simple "AAAAAHHH" or, you know, something more elaborate
there's a serious lack of feedback in the fanfiction community
even so, we write because we love writing, we spend hours working on our content, at zero cost
the only payment we expect is a comment or two
I'm not here to guilt you into leaving comments, but merely trying to bring awareness to that issue
there's always those loyal readers that leave a few words on every chapter, and to those I leave a very big heartfelt THANK YOU!
