ugh the procrastination and writer's block were strong in this one,
pls give me some motivation, i beg
Edit: there were approximately 300 words of text missing from this chapter, for some unholy reason... It's fixed now!
oOo
The contrast of moods once the Lobos finally entered the Greene household was astounding and sobering. Whereas out in the inky night hope had enveloped Diana's soul again – now that she had Alice by her side once more – the heavy silence inside those walls was deafening. It begged for hushed words and light steps.
Knowing Carl's existence juggled between life and death inside those very walls was… it was awful, to be put simply.
The woman who had swooped in and saved Andrea atop her horse introduced herself as Maggie, and a wide-eyed, blonde girl not much older than Alice as her sister Beth. Their father, Hershel, was the one treating Carl. She also introduced a friend of the family who resided with them – Patricia, an older blonde woman whose husband, Otis, had been the one to accidentally shoot Carl – while Beth introduced her boyfriend, Jimmy, a sad-eyed boy whose hand didn't leave hers throughout the conversation.
Diana thanked them thoroughly for accommodating her sister, for giving her food and shelter, and for everything they'd been doing in favor of Carl's life. Maggie just nodded and took the three of them to the homey kitchen, where Glenn and T-Dog already sat at the table, spoons in hand and bowls in front them.
Both stood as they entered. Glenn was the first to reach Alice, however, and had his arms around her before the Devil could blink. And she actually hugged him back, as in willingly, with a blissful smile on her face. Same with T-Dog, who, despite his injured arm, picked her up off the ground. Diana and Felix could only share a look of indignation.
Maggie waited for the reunion to come to a conclusion and gestured for them to sit. She served them the same porridge the other two had received. Then, she joined them at the foot of the table with her watchful green eyes, while the other residents vacated the kitchen.
Alice made a subtle face of distaste and refused, saying what they'd given her before had sufficed. Felix ate reluctantly at first – he never had been fond of foods with that consistency, that was the reason why he despised mashed potatoes – but his hunger oversaw that fact.
Diana almost slurped it all down, just about forgetting her manners – it was thick and sweet, with a hint of cinnamon, which she loved. She deliberately paused after a spoonful to ask Maggie about Carl's wellbeing. She could barely keep eye contact with her, inwardly cursing her own inadequacy to face pretty girls.
Just as Diana rid her bowl of its contents, an elderly, white-haired and droopy-eyed man silently entered the kitchen. He seemed almost caught off guard by their number, which made Diana feel awkward for the sudden intrusion on his home.
Glenn stood to greet the man with a handshake, as did T-Dog, which caused Diana to rise hastily, her chair scraping against the wooden floors noisily. She winced and threw the man an apologetic smile before thrusting her hand in his direction with confidence she wished she always possessed.
His identity was no surprise, although Diana was slightly astonished by his age, considering he had such considerably young children.
Felix introduced himself politely in a way that would have made their parents proud. If there was one thing they had instilled in them, it had been respect.
Introductions finished, Diana grabbed her backpack off the ground where Glenn had stowed it and opened the mini drug store she carried within, offering Hershel full access to her stash. She told him to use whatever he needed.
Hershel glanced at the full backpack, almost overflowing with packets and bottles, and then at Diana, a soft glow in his wizened eyes. He tilted his head toward where he came and invited them to follow him.
oOo
Diana sighed deeply as she sat on the front stairs, running her fingers into her hairline. Exhaustion was taking a toll on her, physically and emotionally. She didn't know whether to cry from fatigue, relief over Alice, or sorrow over Carl. She was a certified crybaby, there was no shame in concealing what was common knowledge.
Carl's skin had been so pale; it had almost blended with the sheets he lied on. Rick hadn't looked any better; about to keel over from the blood transfusions. Diana had inquired about Carl's blood type and found out it was the same as hers and Alice.
She had volunteered herself, but Rick straight out refused. Only if absolutely necessary, he'd said, in the tone of someone who would rather bleed himself dry than let her sacrifice a piece of herself. A ridiculous display of either fatherly, manly pride or an unjustifiable protective instinct towards her.
Either way, it made no sense.
She sniffed the stray tears away when two backlit figures stepped down and sat on either side of her. Their identity was no surprise.
Diana believed that if she were rendered blind, she'd still be able to tell them apart from anyone by the way they breathed, the click of their steps, the softness of their hands. Like a higher instinct settling over her remaining senses.
"Hey… so I forgot to mention this earlier, but uh-" Diana broke the silence, addressing Alice. "I'm grounding you for life, amiga."
"Wow, oh my God." Alice scoffed with mocked humor. "Grounded how, like, you literally can't take anything from me."
"I could um… I could always forbid you from winning at UNO."
"Ya can't stop a legend, bish."
"Why did you go?" Felix interjected emotionally, slipping into Portuguese, his voice barely above a whisper as he stared somberly ahead.
The hesitant smile faded from Diana's lips.
First Diana, then Sam and Irene, now Alice; it would be no wonder if Felix were developing abandonment issues. Her heart ached for him.
Alice was silent for a beat, her brow knit and cheek sucked in as she chewed on its inside pensively. Eventually, she just shrugged. "I don't wanna talk about it."
"You owe us that much," Diana insisted, curious over her sister's reasoning. What had caused her to take action? Sure, Alice liked Sophia, but she was usually passive where other people were involved. As much as Diana wanted to call her out on her choice, she felt like a hypocrite.
"I don't wanna talk about it," she emphasized every word. "I had my reasons... Didn't really matter in the end." Her jaw was set stubbornly.
Diana let it go. Pushing her would only make her angry; Diana wanted to delay such a reaction for as long as possible. An angry and resentful Alice was an unpredictable Alice, even more so than usual.
"It be like that sometimes," Diana sighed, trying to lighten the atmosphere.
Alice breathed a chuckle and repeated the words back, "It really be like that sometimes."
"Promise me, promise you'll never pull that kinda shit ever again," Felix demanded, austere, not letting the subject fade away. He leaned forward and fixed his eyes on Alice. "Promise that. For real, this time."
"Damn bro, did my absence leave that much of a hole in your life?" Alice grinned; a fake show of teeth, no real joy behind it.
"I'm not playing."
Alice looked down, her long lashes fluttering with each blink. "You do it, too." Her gaze was fierce, now; burning embers in the dark. "Promise you'll never choose anything else over family. Ever again." She stared into Diana's eyes at the last words.
The intensity made flames of shame and guilt rise in her, memories of the Quarry coming to the surface; of favoring Daryl's friendship over her parents' wishes, going on a fool's errand to rescue Merle when she should've stayed. The silent pleading in her mom's eyes, the enraged fear in her dad's, all her regret.
Diana took a deep, shaky breath. "Never again," she assented with a nod, looking at Alice and then Felix. The latter's eyes glistened with tears, mirroring hers.
"Never."
Alice unraveled herself and stretched her legs down over the steps. "Oh my God, when did we become so fucking sappy, I swear."
oOo
"Sad what happened to that dude." Felix wiped the sweat off his forehead with the collar of his tank top, squinting at his sisters against the sunlight filtered by the trees around them.
It had dawned not long ago, and their people had been tasked with setting up camp on Hershel's front yard, halfway between the front gate and the barn, sheltered by old oaks with tall canopies. Dale had parked the RV right next to that spot.
Diana dropped the tent poles at her feet and began shaking open the tarp. "Don't say dude, his name was Otis."
Shane had returned all by his lonesome the night before, when, apparently, he and the man who had shot Carl had left to procure some equipment which had been fundamental in saving the boy. According to Shane, Otis had sacrificed himself so that Shane could bring back said equipment.
In the morning, as soon as the rest of their people found their way to the Greene farm, a ceremony had been held to honor the fallen Otis.
"I don't… I don't say it on purpose, okay…" Felix began sheepishly. "I know it's super disrespectful but it sorta always reminds me of the cow from Barnyard, and I don't wanna laugh." He said this in Portuguese, confident that anyone who overheard wouldn't understand him.
Alice slapped herself on the forehead with a loud smack. "Oh my God."
"You're right, that is super disrespectful." Diana gestured vaguely towards Hershel, who, along with some others, pored over a map on the hood of a truck. "Felix, the man died. His family and friends are grieving not 100 meters away from us."
She didn't particularly care about Otis or any of these new people. The way she saw it, he had died righting his wrongs; not the act of a hero, but of a guilty man. But she had to take over the role of moral compass mom and dad had left vacant.
Felix shrugged almost apologetically. "My bad, bro."
oOo
"Hey, Diana," Glenn called upon entering the RV, forcing her attention up from T-Dog's arm. "When you're done, could you uh- help me out with something?"
"Yeah, sure, be right there." She turned back to T-Dog, seeing perspiration dotting his face. "I'm almost done, T," she reassured him. His pained grimace disappeared for half a second of gratitude.
Diana made sure the Steristrips were holding so the wound could heal nicely. She hadn't learned to suture, so that had been the best she could do. She wanted to ask Hershel to teach her, though. She needed to widen her repertoire of impressive useful skills.
She bandaged T-Dog's arm with clean gauze and gave him an antibiotic and a painkiller. He thanked her and reluctantly sank back into his seat to rest up under her orders.
Diana put her travel-sized medkit away in a cabinet – her fully equipped backpack was in the room where Carl rested, in case Hershel needed quick access to it – and picked her bow off the table.
No one at the farm had yet questioned the weapon at her back, despite everyone having to surrender their firearms, but she was glad they hadn't.
There was already a sort of invisible wall of tension between the farm residents and her people, she didn't know how that new knowledge would affect their relationship. She had grown used to the bow's oddities, but stepping back, she had to admit it was just too weird and impossible not to arouse suspicion and doubts. Maybe even make one question their beliefs.
After all, hadn't Jacqui thought her to be some sort of godsend, as preposterous as the idea was?
The Holy Bible and cross displayed in the Greene's living room assured Diana of their Catholic beliefs. She didn't want them to have some sort of fanatic's response since it could go incredibly wrong or incredibly ridiculous.
She stepped outside with the promise of secrecy as long as secrecy was required, and faced Glenn's expectant self.
He silently gestured with his head for her to follow him and took her a couple of trees away from the camp and their inhabitants.
"What's up? What you need help with?" Diana asked as soon as Glenn stopped to face her.
"I lied," he whispered, leaning into her, his dark eyes deep into hers. "Maggie asked me to go on a pharmacy run with her."
Diana stared back at him with a furrowed brow, clueless as to why he was treating this news as some sort of scheme. "And? Is there something they need that I don't have? That why?"
Glenn shook his head, his eyes straying quickly to follow Carol as she walked past within earshot. "I don't know. When I asked, she told me her dad didn't want to keep using up our resources and that they need to stash up anyway. Even offered to replace the stuff they took. Something's not right."
"Okay, what d'you mean?"
"Diana, think about it." He put his hands on her shoulders, capturing her full attention. "You literally ransacked a government facility for all those drugs and material. You got stuff I've never seen in any pharmacy. Why would they need to stash up with all that at their disposal?"
"Maybe they don't wanna abuse our goodwill? Glenn, just- I don't know, they probably have their reasons." Diana shrugged loosely, but Glenn's hands remained. Also, she wasn't against having her things replaced, she'd worked hard for them.
"They're not letting us stay," Glenn concluded, finally dropping his hands to cross his arms defensively. "I think Hershel's gonna kick us out of his figurative backyard as soon as he can."
Diana reflected on Glenn's words in silence. That alone wasn't evidence to back his theory, but looking at it from Hershel's point of view, she could imagine it to be true. If she were him, she wouldn't want all these strangers that outnumbered her people in and out of her property, presenting more mouths to feed and more trouble than they were worth.
But just to tease Glenn, she said this, "Were you one of those guys that posted conspiracy theory videos with that weird Google Translate or whatever voice up on YouTube before all this? 'Cause I think you'd have a knack for that kinda shit."
Without missing a beat, Glenn responded, "And you'd be making them right there next to me, Miss Let's Rob The CDC 'Cause I Have A Bad Feeling." He gave her a pointed look. "Any bad feelings now?"
Diana shrugged with fake nonchalance, pursing her lips. "I mean, not until now, I guess. You really know how to wake the conspiracioner in a girl, Glenn Rhee."
A small smile grew on Glenn's lips. "That's not a real word, but yeah, seems like I do."
"So this is not it, too, huh?" She scoffed humorlessly, leaning her back against the tree sheltering them and shoving her hands in her shallow pockets. "Better avoid getting attached, then." That would typically be no problem, but she had been developing a bit of a shameless crush on Maggie. Nothing Daryl-sized, but enough to make it hard to look her in the eye.
"I don't think that'll be a problem for you."
"You calling me cold?"
"I'm calling you selective."
Diana tsked playfully. "Can't argue what's true, though."
Glenn smiled toothily and let a comfortable silence fall. The distant sound of chatter from the farmhouse and their camp filled the background. Glenn sighed and said, "I feel like we barely got to talk, you know? I missed this."
"I know." Diana gave a twin sigh, her eyes turned from the kids' tent back to his. "But, ya know, circumstances and all."
"Yeah, I totally get it." Glenn nodded with wide eyes. "I didn't expect you to be in the mood to banter with Alice missing, or right after your parents…" He seemed to regret his choice of words immediately. Diana didn't hold it against him. "How you holding up?"
She shrugged again, wishing her pockets were deeper so she could bury her hands in them to stop the urge to fidget. Instead, she dragged the toe of her right sneaker back and forth on the patchy grass, watching the blades fold under her shoe. "I'm- I'm coping. I got enough distractions to keep me from dwelling on it. I'm not sure about the kids. Alice threatened to kill me if I died, and Felix, well, Felix's more quiet about it, but he's relying a lot on Alice and me. I want to be strong for them."
Glenn rested a gentle hand on her bare upper arm. "You are. You are strong. And so are they."
Diana sucked in a breath and asked, "And you? How are you holding up, Glenn?" She felt so selfish for taking his support for granted and not checking on him. He had his own worries, his own doubts, and yet he was always the one to listen to her problems. She wanted to become less self-absorbed.
"Yeah, I wish we could press pause on the world, you know? All this loss, it- it takes its toll. Really works to bring you down, get you thinking about the fragility of life, all that stuff. How, in the blink of an eye, your entire world can be stolen right from under your nose." Glenn's frown flattened, and he looked sheepishly at Diana. "And I… I missed my best friend even though she was right next to me."
Diana didn't hold out much longer; she pulled Glenn into a hug. They both squeezed tight as if the embrace would strengthen their bond by proxy. The flames of the metaphorical bonfire in her chest roaring higher and hotter as if reaching for Glenn. She felt the bow thrum into her ribcage, multiplying that affection.
They separated, and Diana remembered the promise she and her siblings had made the night before, under the watchful sliver of the moon. "Glenn, I'm about to ask you something very selfish, and you have every right to refuse, okay?"
Glenn blinked in confusion, but nodded, a suspicious eyebrow raised on his forehead.
"I ask this under the assumption that you see us like family, the way we see you."
"Nothing's changed."
"Okay, so, here goes." Diana cleared her throat awkwardly, feeling her face heat like a furnace. "If it… if it ever comes to um- having to choose between us or something else, please… choose us. Choose family." Something tightened in her chest, a hot steaming ball of trauma rising up her throat, choking her. Everyone else always leaves me.
Diana had never told Glenn about the catalyst of this decade-old fear. He knew about Mariana, but there had been others before her. And the very first one – Veronica.
The girl she had been friends with since first grade. The girl who abandoned her in favor of anyone else at every slight inconvenience. Who made Diana question if she was worth keeping, if she was enough as a person, if all that it took for someone to leave her was a small mistake on her part.
Who, over a decade of 'friendship', instilled so many fears in Diana, that it would affect all her later relationships, including the one with herself. That would make her rather be alone than let anyone in her life. Made her fear trusting people with herself to avoid the pain of being rejected for who she was. Made her see herself as lacking and undeserving of the attention of others.
It had taken her years on the path to recovery to identify that girl as the first stone on the wall she had built between herself and the world. And it had taken years to begin tearing it down. She still wasn't done, but she had more self-love now than five or ten years ago.
Glenn was a piece of hope.
He had played a significant role in her recovery. He had been the first outsider she'd fully trusted with almost all of her in years. Someone she loved and felt that he reciprocated that feeling unabashedly, who helped her feel like who she was as a person was enough.
And she knew she was selfish, but she would never let it come to the point where Glenn would feel forced to remain by her side.
What if she was a burden to him? What if their relationship was or became toxic to him? Could she blame him if he chose to cut off ties with her? No, never, even if it hurt.
"Diana." Glenn's warm hands on both her cheeks brought her back up and out of the downward spiral of thoughts. She didn't notice the welling of the tears until she saw his distorted face, and wiped them away, embarrassed. Glenn's voice was soft, comforting, and it made Diana's heart ache even more. "I won't, I won't leave. I'll choose family. Always."
thank you for being so patient with me, people,
i love you simply for reading this story
