oOo
In the morning, Felix was exhausted but feverless. Alice had woken up with him clinging to her side in his sleep, and an overwhelming feeling of protectiveness had triumphed over her aversion toward physical contact.
Then she realized why he had cuddled up to her and not Diana, as was usual. The little bitch was missing from her side of the bed.
She appeared shortly after with some kind of oatmeal for Felix, dismissing Alice to breakfast with shifty eyes.
Alice saw but didn't mention the flushed cheeks and braid awfully done in a hurry. She waited until Diana sat on the bed before kneeling behind her to undo her tangled hair and braid the curls into two tight French braids. In a way, braiding each other's hair was for them a symbol of their sisterhood, that they would always be there for one another.
Then she stood, nodded at her sister's smile of gratitude, and left.
She joined Glenn as soon as she saw him sitting by the fire pit outside, and accepted a plate of crisp, almost burned bacon and scrambled eggs from T-Dog. The meal took her back to her family's camping days, and she had to swallow the nostalgia.
She and Glenn had been in the middle of an earnest conversation about childhood cartoons when Carol confronted a newly arrived Rick about their lack of action regarding finding her daughter.
An uncomfortable silence reigned over them as they waited for an answer. Carol had already begun tearing up and sniffling before Lori stood from her chair to put her arms around her.
Rick glanced subtly at Alice, who shrugged back, and then he asked the two women to accompany him. He led them into the RV, and not five minutes later, Carol's sobbing and wailing could be heard.
That generated unrest among the group. Alice heard Andrea hopefully suggest that maybe they'd found Sophia. It wasn't untrue, but not in the way Andrea was thinking.
All you had to do was listen to Carol's sounds of grief to know what had been said because those totally sounded like tears of joy and relief. The inner eyeroll was so strong that it manifested itself physically. Andrea saw it. Alice couldn't care less.
oOo
A knock on the wooden doorframe made Diana turn from Felix to face the visitor. She smiled at Glenn's familiar face, but the frown creasing his brow instantly worried her.
"What's wrong?"
"Rick's gonna- he's gonna tell 'em about…" he trailed off, but it didn't take a genius to understand. "He asked for you."
Diana swallowed thickly. Was he looking for support or a scapegoat? The latter would've been so ridiculously off-character for Rick that it almost made her laugh to even think of it.
She wondered what her parents would say or do in her situation, and could almost imagine her dad's voice saying 'Tell him to go to hell, you got other damn priorities'. It brought a faint smile to her lips, but it weighed on her heart like an anchor.
She looked back to Felix. He was still weakened; the fever had done quite a job on him, he even struggled to hold the spoon and bowl Diana had been feeding him from.
"Tell him… I'm sorry but I can't. He'll understand." She hoped he would. All she asked for was the rest of the day for her brother to recuperate. After all she'd given, it wasn't too much to ask in return.
Glenn nodded with comprehension and left.
Diana returned to her task, stopping only for a second to caress her little brother's cheek. She smiled fondly when he leaned his face toward her hand with a look of serenity.
Right now, her love for what was left of her family outranked her sense of duty. She'd never let anything come before her family ever again, not when the consequences far outweighed the rewards.
oOo
One thing Alice was sure of: these people had never played any sort of strategy game in their life, and it showed. Even their lay enforcement types, with all their "training and experience", were questionable.
Discussion had ensued after Rick finished telling everyone the Hidden Truth: Barn Edition, and of Carol's wish to put her daughter to rest.
Shane had been very keen on the idea of simply killing all walkers, damn the consequences. He believed their presence was an immediate threat to their safety and a demonstration of why they shouldn't trust Hershel and Co.
Alice agreed with him on the walker front… but she wasn't exactly the pinnacle of morality at the moment; she had enough self-awareness to see that, which said something about the guy. So, she held her tongue and listened to the arguments that bloomed from his statement.
In the end, after all sides had been heard and cards had been laid out on the table, the result could be summarized as the more sensible approach.
Sensible? Yes. Smart? Debatable.
They wanted to send someone inside the barn, drenched in walker guts, to kill and retrieve Sophia. That way the other walkers would remain unbothered during their little Mission Impossible.
Sorry not sorry, but how would a bath of gunk help them any more than the last time they tried that little trick? Sure, the weather forecast hadn't mentioned any downpours in the near future, but there were other holes in that plan that would cause it to sink like the Titanic.
First of all, they'd have to go out and actively search for a walker and bring it back to the farm. Not that she cared, but Hershel wouldn't probably just frown upon it, he would turn his face upside down and inside out just at the mere thought of it. Not to mention what a ridiculous waste of time it would be. Emphasis on the ridiculous.
Then, número dos: she doubted they'd be able to unshackle and open the doors and just waltz inside the barn – walker gunk or not – without attracting any kind of attention from the dearly undeparted residing in it.
Número tres: killing Sophia and carrying her out. Again, without attracting any attention or their little disguise failing them.
Not standing the absolute dumbassery being spewed all around her, Alice gathered her courage and cleared her throat rather emphatically a couple of times until she caught the group's attention. She waited with an eyebrow raised expectantly until all eyes were on her and then told them of the flaws she saw in their plan.
There was silence after she spoke; looks exchanged. It was like Alice could almost hear the thoughts going through some of their heads: are we really going to listen to this kid? In those seconds of quiet, Alice didn't feel taken seriously. That made her furious.
She felt her face heat up and her nostrils flare with each forceful breath she took. Then T-Dog agreed with her, defending her point of view to the others, validating the points she'd made.
Then Rick nodded at her, telling her, "You're right." – And Alice felt her chest swell with pride as she gave some choice people an impish look, not caring if her pettiness came across as immature.
After that confession, they brainstormed to work out the kinks in the plan, and Alice had to admit that the end result wasn't half bad.
oOo
Getting Glenn and Diana up and through the barn's window wouldn't be that difficult a task. And as soon as they got Hershel's approval of the plan – with the bargain struck that no one was to touch any other walker beside the one intended –, that's precisely what they did.
After a short and precarious climb up some stacked barrels and wooden crates the others had collected from around the farmstead, they went tumbling into piles of hay. No biggie.
A big biggie, however, a colossal biggie, was the sight and smell of the undead. Diana didn't know how long some of the walkers had been wasting away inside the barn, but the summer heat must have accelerated their decomposition so that they looked like melted candles and smelled indescribably putrid.
Glenn immediately turned and hurled into the hay; that sound added to every other assault on her senses made bile rise in Diana's throat. When she had left Felix napping and decided to come through for Carol – who had asked for her personally –, this was not what she had imagined. Okay, not true, it was pretty much what she thought would happen. She had just hoped it would be less gross.
She swallowed forcibly and locked her jaw, taking short and shallow breaths. Through her teeth, she told Glenn, "Just ignore the smell, dude."
"I'm sorry, you want me to ignore the smell? Try telling my nose that." Glenn's puckered lips and scrunched nose looked like his face was a hoodie someone had pulled the strings of. Hilarious.
Diana got down on her knees and crawled on all fours over to the edge of the platform, ducking under the railing, and Glenn followed suit, groaning and complaining under his breath.
The walkers had either seen or smelled or heard them or all three, seeing as they crowded right underneath them, all grabby hands and hungry snarls, their rotten teeth and flayed cheeks on display as their jaws snapped open and closed.
Diana's monkey brain told her to dangle her hand just out of reach to entice them, just for the heck of it.
Which she did. Until Glenn pulled it back up with a nervous yell.
"The hell, Diana!" His eyes were wide as disks as he squeezed her wrist in apprehension. "You crazy?"
"Relax, man, they can't get to us."
"That's not the point. You shouldn't play with-"
"With food? Ew, Glenn, you crazy."
"- with things that can kill you! Same principle as scissors and running; didn't your par-" he stopped himself, but the damage was done. "Sorry."
"I'm not made of glass, Glenn," she mustered, her voice no more than a whisper. "Not speaking of them isn't gonna change the fact that they're not here. I've come to terms with that." Somewhat; it was only half a lie. Life and survival had distracted her from the process of grieving thus far, but she still felt fragile whenever a memory resurfaced.
The banging at the doors started then, removing the tension from the air and forcing them to focus on the plan that had been set in motion. The chains that held the doors closed from the outside rattled, and the wood creaked and bent. A little bit more force and they'd rip them off at the hinges.
When the profane yelling began, Diana and Glenn took it as a hint to remove the stimulus of their presence from the walkers' sight.
They didn't have to wait long for the undead to be their brainless selves and follow the next loud attraction; they glued themselves to the doors, pushing and scratching, protesting the unattainability of their next potential meal with their raspy cries and groans.
For not being in on the plan they sure were executing their part incredibly well.
"You see Sophia?" Glenn asked, his neck craned.
Diana's eyes scoured through the dozen or so walkers, trying to find the girl's dirty blonde head of hair. Emphasis on the dirty.
Her gaze became stuck on a head of dark, unruly, shoulder-length hair. The female walker of shorter stature remained static on the outskirts of the group, losing interest in the commotion fast.
Turn around, Diana pleaded, holding her breath. She's not here. You're not her. Please turn around.
"Diana," Glenn called, making her jerk back to action, air finally returning to her lungs. "You alright?"
She had to physically move her head to tear her eyes away from the walker. A sharp emptiness opened a hole inside her rib cage as her wide eyes turned to Glenn, and she nodded with an affirming hum and a tense smile.
Glenn said nothing to contradict her, he simply frowned and caressed her cheek with the back of his fingers, smearing something wet across her skin.
Diana flinched away, embarrassed by the slip-up, and wiped her face on the collar of her shirt. "It's fine. I'm fine." She focused on finding Sophia, purposefully avoiding looking at the dark-haired walker the way some people avoid beggars on the street. "I see her."
Glenn didn't say a word and directed his gaze to where she was pointing.
The pushing and shuffling of the dozen walkers had forced Sophia's smaller self to the back of the mob. Convenient, really. These walkers really knew how to play along.
Diana stood up and took a stance, drawing an arrow with her bow. The weapon hummed in her hand, but it somehow never affected her aim, which made her conclude that the feeling must be induced in her psyche and not her physical self. It also explained why only she could feel it.
"Should we say something?" Glenn asked, a hand on her flexed arm to halt her. "I feel like we should."
Diana released the arrow, and Sophia's corpse fell to the floor. "Rest in peace."
Glenn sighed in defeat and gave a one-shouldered shrug. "Guess that works." He cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled out to the others. "It's done!"
The banging and ruckus ceased instantly, but the walkers persisted.
Now back to her and Glenn; their job now was to be loud and obnoxious as they could to get the walkers distracted enough not to notice the doors opening nor the two meals on legs that came to collect Sophia from behind them.
They did a decent job; being annoying was a talent Diana kept hidden most of the time.
Rick and Shane were almost back out the door when a single walker turned around and saw them. The dark-haired one from before. That one wasn't very good at following cues.
What happened next seemed to play out in slow motion.
The walker latched onto Shane's shirt.
Diana's heart rose to her throat. Panic froze her limbs.
Glenn shook her by the shoulders and yelled in her face, but the words were indistinguishable to her ringing ears, and her eyes couldn't be torn away from the scene.
Shane pushed Rick with Sophia out of the barn and slammed the doors shut behind him, barring them with a wooden plank that had been conveniently propped against the wall beside him.
The walker had gotten to him, bad. Diana could see the blood soaking his sleeve and running down his arm. There was no amount of noise that would distract the walkers from that scent.
There was a sudden sharp sting on her cheek as Glenn's palm connected with her face, making her stumble back, unfreezing her. Her neck hurt from the whiplash and her cheek burned, but her ears had stopped ringing, and she could finally hear the screams and gunshots and banging on wood and the unrelenting undead.
It chilled her to the bone.
Shane fought back, yelling out in pain as walkers latched onto his raised arms with nails and teeth as he attempted to shoot and punch his way through them.
Diana's hands shook, but she took the shots, many of which fell away from the intended target.
One after the other, the walkers fell.
Too slow, her bow was too slow. Tears blurred her vision. Sobs racked her body. This was her fault.
The doors were broken in, and their people rushed in with literal guns blazing just as the last walker fell by Diana's hand. Too little too late.
Shane still stood, stubborn as ever, hunched over and drenched in his own blood. Rick and Lori were by his side when his knees buckled, and he fell back into them.
Despite Glenn's hands pulling her back, Diana climbed over the railing of the platform and jumped down to the lower level, landing harshly and falling over. Her legs trembled and threatened to give out as she treaded past the fallen walkers to the Grimes holding a dying Shane.
Lori's face was red and tear-streaked as she cried and held onto Shane's limp hand. Rick's emotions poured out as he sobbed while rocking his friend and partner's body against his chest.
Diana was openly crying when she looked upon Shane's pale face and hooded lifeless eyes. Diana wished she was selfless enough to cry for him, but her tears were of a selfish nature.
Everything around her seemed to fade to a blur of dull colors. The gaping bite wounds on Shane's arms and torso took her back to the Quarry, to her mom and dad, and she fell to her knees in front of the couple grieving their friend, shaking with sobs.
Her brain treacherously filled in the blanks of what had happened that night before she had arrived too late.
The scene replayed in her mind whenever she closed her eyes, torturing her, bringing back the guilt she had pushed to the back of her brain. The hole in her chest threatened to swallow her whole, and she had barely any energy left to fight its cold embrace.
What a horrific death. Fighting to the last second until your body couldn't take any more pain and gave in to oblivion. And to witness it without being able to do a goddamn thing… is this how her brother and sister had felt? She wept for them in empathy. She understood why they didn't wish to speak of it. How could one even begin to?
She hadn't been there for her parents, but she had been here for Shane, and yet the end result had been the same. Why the hell had she thought that her presence could've changed anything? She was nothing but useless.
oOo
Alice hadn't been present for the barn massacre; she'd heard the commotion and had rushed out of Felix's bedside to arrive at the aftermath of a huge mess.
Walkers dead, Sophia dead, Shane dead. Devastation reigned over most people present, including their hosts. Her sister was crying in T-Dog's big arms for whatever reason.
So even though the plan had been perfect, they still had managed to fuck it up. Incredible.
Alice felt no sympathy towards the unexpectedly fallen, only annoyance. So, she asked T-Dog to help bring Diana back toward the farmhouse. She didn't expect they'd be allowed to stay any longer, taking in count what just happened. She was certain Hershel would be kicking them out before the day came to an end. She wanted to make sure they were ready for when that happened.
The house was empty except for the room where Felix rested. Alice felt the urge to do as her sister had done back in the CDC and swipe as much shit as she possibly could before hightailing it back to the RV. She was stopped by a little voice she could only describe as her conscience. That bitch still lived?
Diana took a seat at the foot of the bed, T-Dog's arm still around her shoulders as his hand rubbed her upper arm. He looked at her with pity, and Alice hated it. He shooed him away from her sister and sent him out of the room, saying they needed some time alone. If T-Dog took offense, Alice didn't care. The guy could be like a big brother to them, but that didn't mean he was privy to all their family affairs or could pity any of them.
Felix was awoken by Diana's endless sobs, confused at his whereabouts but looking more awake than ever. He scooched weakly down to their sister and let her lean on him, his trembling arms circling her shaking form, no questions asked.
Alice thought it was sickeningly sweet of him, but her sister's crying started to get on her nerves after a couple of minutes. She paced the room in front of them, waiting for her to finally stop so she could get some answers out of her. Mainly to ask what all the crying was for. For Shane? Alice doubted. Sophia? Diana hadn't been that close to the girl. All the nameless walkers in the barn? Psh.
But she couldn't know with her sister; the woman had more empathy in her pinky than Alice had in her entire body. She suffered for others as much as she suffered for herself. It was irritating as fuck.
The sudden silence broke her out of her thoughts. Alice turned and saw Diana had disentangled herself from their brother, and she now sat hunched over with a thousand-yard stare. Her cheeks and lashes were still wet, but her eyes had dried. Her lips were cracked, and delicate curls had gotten loose from the braids Alice had done and formed almost a halo of thorns around her face.
She surprised Alice by asking in a monotone voice, "How do you deal with it?"
Alice didn't like this new development any better than her crying. "With what?"
"What you saw. Out there that night."
The switch flicked on inside Alice's brain; the carnage in the barn, the state Shane had been in… It was eerily similar.
Alice looked to Felix, seeing his glistening eyes as he joined Diana in staring at the distance. Alice felt her own heartstrings being tugged at, but it was like her body had lost the ability to produce tears. Besides that weird feeling in her chest, there was nothing else, like she was numb to any emotion that wasn't anger.
She hated it, like so many things she hated recently. And she felt it eat away at her, adding fuel to the fire of her self-destruction. Would she ever be able to douse it?
She shook her head and touched down on reality, then her mind took her back to that grim night; the screams, the blood, Felix's wailing as she hid his face against her shoulder, both trying not to fall off the branch.
It had been almost too dark to see the carnage happening down below; almost.
How did Alice deal with it? With unhealthy amounts of anger and a vendetta that fueled her will to live. Now, that wasn't something she wanted to tell her brother and sister. So, she answered, "Because it's what mom and dad would've wanted."
Diana's empty gaze found her own, a silent question on her furrowed brow.
Alice elaborated, "You think they would've wanted us to live with guilt and grief-ridden for the rest of our days?" Diana mustered a small childlike shake of her head. Alice almost choked on her hypocrisy. "Yeah, so, there you go."
"I dream about it sometimes," Felix's hoarse voice was tiny in the room, but both sisters heard him. He dried his eyes with the hand that wasn't encircling Diana's arm. "I didn't see it happen, but I heard it, and… and I-" his breath hitched as the tears resurfaced on his lower lash line and his voice grew stronger. "I wish I woulda done something instead of cowering away on that tree and letting them die like that!"
Alice was astounded; she had no idea Felix felt like that. She should've guessed, though, he and Diana were very similar on the aspect of shouldering the blame, just like he and Alice were similar on the aspect of letting vile thoughts and feelings fester inside instead of airing them out.
With Felix's statement, it was like the light went back on inside Diana, and she pivoted in her seat to face him. She held him aggressively by the cheeks, forcing him to look at her. Alice looked on in curious amusement.
"Listen to me, you can't blame yourself for what happened, alright? If anything, this was the walkers' fault, not yours, not Alice's, and not mine." Diana leaned back slowly, and Alice could see realization dawn on her face. "Not- not mine. It wasn't my fault, either."
"No one ever said it was, Diana," Alice added, so it would get through her sister's thick skull. "And you're not a coward, Felix. Mom and dad wanted us up there so we'd be safe, so they'd protect us. Don't cheapen their intentions by calling it cowering." Every word was spoken truthfully, but she couldn't heed her own advice. Her anger was quicksand, and with every struggle to get out, she only buried herself deeper. And she wasn't sure if she even wanted any help.
A/N: wow guys, this took me so freaking long to write, thank you for being patient with me! i appreciate all the faves and follows and comments, your support has been noticed and i can't thank you enough!
i hope you noticed the extended summary i added at the beginning of the fic... i was kinda hesitating to put it in, bc i wanted that plot to be something i revealed over the course of the story, but i just got so impatient, that i had to let you guys know right now! if you don't know what i'm talking about, go to the top of the very first chapter and leave a comment with your thoughts if you can 😊
also, i will be continuing to edit the chapters one by one, and there might be some slight changes to the plot, but none so significant that you have to go back and read it again. only if you want to, of course 😏 the edit dates will be written at the end of each chapter, so you know which are done. i will also add some fun facts about the ocs and whatnot at the end of each chapter just bc i feel like it...
alright, this was a big ass ending note, so i'll leave now! hope to hear from you and have a great day! 😊
