Chapter 7
A couple of hours later, at a more respectable time on Saturday morning, life within Grimmauld Place began to stir. Lexi, Remus and Sirius sat in a large drawing room surrounded by wall-to-wall bookshelves and two floor to ceiling windows flanked by long, crushed red-velvet curtains. Lexi sipped her tea quietly listening to Remus and Sirius' discussion of Order business. She'd spent much of the morning going over what she'd say to Harry in her head. She knew he'd be angry, and was well aware of her failings. She couldn't make any excuses for her behaviour and worried that Harry would want nothing for to do with her. More so, she felt as though she'd let Lily down especially as Sirius has taken to his role with enthusiasm.
"So, how is old Phee Phee?" Sirius asked bluntly, meaning Lexi's mother, Ophelia.
Lexi rolled her eyes and placed her empty mug on the floor beside her chair. "You know she hated it when you called her that," she sighed exasperedly. "And yes, she's fine. Thank you for asking."
"Ahh she didn't mind, she loved me." Sirius grinned boyishly. "She said I was the son she never had!"
"Yes, but she also thought Lockhart was a wizarding virtuoso," she retorted. "There is no accounting for her taste."
"You agreed to marry me, what does that say about you?" He said with a superior look on his face.
"I took pity on you." She said, as Remus chuckled beside her. "Besides, no one else would have you."
Sirius pretended to look hurt. "Oh ouch, McNaughton!" He said, his eyes glinting with amusement. "When did you get so sassy?"
"I've always been sassy, you were just too busy looking at my breasts to hear it." She said, looking down her nose at Sirius.
"Oh trust me, I'm still looking." He said, gazing at her chest appreciatively.
"Sirius!" Lexi exclaimed, horrified. "Behave yourself."
"Nah, that's no fun." He grinned.
Lexi shot him a disapproving look just as the door to the drawing room creaked open. They all looked up to see Harry standing awkwardly at the door.
"In you come Harry, Sirius and I were just leaving." He said jovially, rising from the chair and dragging Sirius up with him.
Harry smiled weakly and crossed the room to where Lexi sat, but he did not join her. He teetered on the spot in front of her, apparently unsure of himself.
"We'll be in the kitchen if you need us," Remus said more to Lexi than Harry, closing the door behind them.
There was a few seconds of painfully awkward silence. Harry perched himself on the wing-backed chair on the other side of the coffee table, his eyes darting to the door as if planning his escape.
"H-How are you, Harry?" Lexi asked weakly, feeling her heart plummet at her godson's apparently unwillingness to be in the same room as her.
"Fine," he replied shortly. "You?"
Lexi was taken aback at the malice in his retort. "Oh – err – I've been better, but I'll live." She said, trying to remain composed. "Remus told me about your hearing. It is ridiculous they would even question it. I am very sure it will laughed out of the Ministry."
Harry nodded, looking at the floor. It was quite apparent that he didn't wish to speak with her, but Lexi was determined not to give up.
"I am well acquainted with Ministry laws, I'd be happy to help you put together a case?" She offered, hoping he'd take the extended olive branch.
"I'm surprised you've found time to think about me," he said bluntly. "But you're alright, I suppose that's all that matters."
"Harry, I –" She began, but Harry cut across her.
"I don't know why I even agreed to speak to you," he said, as though he'd been waiting a long time to vent. "You left a year ago and I've heard nothing from you!"
Lexi spluttered but couldn't seem to find the words to respond.
"You know I almost died at the hands of Voldemort, right?" He said aggressively. "I watched him kill someone – in front of me! But so long as you've had a good time, what do you care?"
"H-Harry, I do care about you." She pleaded, trying to remain calm despite hot tears forming in her eyes. "It's just –"
"Then why haven't you even bothered to come and see me?" Harry was almost shouting now. "Why is an escaped criminal a better godparent than you!"
"Harry please, I can explain!" She urged. "I know I've been a terrible person, and it haunts me everyday. But there are a few things I need to say."
"What, more excuses?" He spat, his clenched fist shaking with rage.
"N-No, not at all," she stuttered. "But before you completely write me off as a human being, can you hear me out?"
"Whatever." He said, leaning back into his chair and crossing his arms over his chest.
"You have to understand, your mother was … she meant the world to me." She began shakily. "She was there for me when my Dad died, she stayed with me for a week after – it happened. Even during the dark times of Voldemort's reign, she still managed to make laugh."
She saw Harry's arms relax to his side, and his features softened slightly.
"When she died, I … I lost a piece of myself." She continued, her voice breaking into a choke. "I lost everything, and Lily had always been my support. Darkness descended on me without warning, when the rest of the world was enjoying life and celebrating Voldemort's downfall, I could barely see it through the darkness. Everything that usually brought my joy had involved Lily, or James or …Sirius."
Lexi hastily wiped the tears flowing down her cheeks away, with Harry watching on intently.
"The months after were spent rounding up and sentencing Death Eaters, I worked solidly. Not eating and barely sleeping, with the darkness draining my strength and energy." She said. "Eventually I broke down, I won't go into details but suffice it to say that there was enough evidence that I would harm myself. I was admitted to St Mungo's and during my stay, although I became more able to cope with the darkness, I became ashamed of myself. Ashamed of the person I'd become, and I lived in constant fear that the whole world would find out."
"But, didn't Professor Lupin help you?" Harry asked, his anger abating slightly.
"I didn't tell him, I was too ashamed of myself." Lexi said regretfully. "He did try and contact me via my Mum a few times, but I always told her to ignore him. It's not something I'm proud of." There was a short pause before Lexi continued. "As to why I didn't contact you, Harry." She said slowly. "I wasn't what you needed, I was broken and full of an ever-present blackness. I felt you were better off without me."
"But – you're better now, right?" He asked tentatively.
"I wouldn't say better, depression always hangs over me, but it has become easier to control and cope with – over time." She said with a small smile. "Last year, everything I had known and come to terms with over the years had turned out to be false. I felt myself spiraling, and I needed to get away to ensure my clarity of mind but also to avoid it affecting others. I didn't wish to burden you with my misery. I realise now that was an error of judgment on my part, I am sorry."
"I … didn't know, about any of this." Harry said quietly. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions."
"You are well within your rights to be angry at me, Harry." She said, dismissing his apology. "I wasn't there for you when I should have been, and I understand your resentment. As I said earlier, I'm not looking for excuses I just thought I ought to explain myself."
"I don't resent you." Harry muttered quietly. "It's just – I hate not having a proper family. You and Sirius, you're connected to my parents. You knew them and they trusted you enough to make you my godparents. You're my family, I want you about."
Lexi felt her heart break. "Harry, we will always be here for you." She assured. "It may not be in the way I'd like, but both Sirius and I care for you very much. If it weren't for the return of Voldemort and the unpredictable nature of my job, I would ask you to come and live with me."
"It's just, so unfair." He said despondently.
"I know, and I realise I haven't been there for you, but I intend to make it up to you." Said Lexi earnestly. "If you want me to, that is." She added, scared to know the answer.
Harry regarded her for a moment, he'd obviously spent a great deal of the year being very angry with her and he was struggling to come to terms with what Lexi had told him.
"Yeah, okay," he said apprehensively.
"You do not know how happy it makes me to hear you say that," Lexi grinned, feeling warming happiness wash over her. "I won't rush you into anything, we can start with lunch and go from there. I am very much looking forward to getting to know you, Harry."
Harry got to his feet. "I'd better go, Ron said something about helping Mrs Weasley clean." He said, turning his nose up.
Lexi chuckled. "Yes, Sirius mentioned something about that." She said. "I'd proceed with caution."
Harry smiled and left the room. Lexi held her head in her hands and shook with relief. She had expected Harry to want nothing more to do with her, so this paved the way for a relationship she thought she'd ruined.
"Lexi?" She heard Sirius' wary voice from door. "Everything alright?"
"Yes, I think so." Lexi exhaled contentedly.
"Knew you'd do it, Lex." He said encouragingly, crossing the room and taking a seat beside her on the sofa.
"What makes you so confident?" She eyed his suspiciously.
Sirius smiled fondly. "No one can stay mad at you for long," he said, patting her on the arm. "I never could."
"When did I ever give you a reason to be mad at me?" Said Lexi, affronted. "You were the one who passed the time pranking me!"
"Oh you gave as good as you got, Lex." He said. "If you'll recall the incident where you put shrinking powder in my – erm – underwear?"
"Oh yeah," she laughed loudly. "But in my defense, that was it was hilarious!"
"C'mon, lets go and help the others," he said happily, dragging her from the room.
Lexi spent a thoroughly enjoyable afternoon helping Harry and the others decontaminate the kitchen. The house needed an arduous clean up to make it even remotely habitable, every surface in the house seemed to be carpeted with a thick blanket of dust. The kitchen, while not quite as filthy as the rest of the house still required the efforts of several people to cleanse it.
"If I find another spider in my hair, I'm leaving!" Lexi exclaimed, shrilly as Sirius extracted a palm-sized arachnid from her curls.
"You wimp, its only ickle." He cooed, releasing it through the kitchen window.
"You wouldn't be saying that if it were a mouse!" She smiled mischievously.
Sirius was suddenly very interested in the cupboards. Lexi caught Harry's eye and they both smothered their laughter with their hands. Several hours later, Lexi checked her watch only to find she only had half an hour before she had to meet Emmeline in Shoreditch.
"Right folks, I'm sorry to love you and leave you but I must be off." She said, pulling Harry into a tight hug. "I will see you soon, alright?" She added in assurance.
Harry smiled. "Yeah, see you soon." He said happily.
"I'll see you out." Sirius said as Lexi waved goodbye to Ron and Hermione.
She followed Sirius out the kitchen and towards the door. He retrieved her coat from the stand and placed it on her gently. He stood close to her, his hands still on her shoulders. Lexi frowned.
"What's wrong?" She asked, concerned.
"I never made promises lightly, and while there have been some that I have broken, I swear to the end of my days I will love you." He breathed. "Whether you return my love again or not, that won't change."
"Sirius, please –" She said, feeling a pain in her chest.
"Please come and see me again," He uttered, stroking her cheek. His expression then turned melancholic. "With you, I don't feel so … useless."
"Sirius, you're not useless," Lexi said, holding Sirius' hand. "You'll find your way in the world soon, I know it. You don't need me for that."
Sirius kissed her lightly on the forehead. "I hope so, and I also hope you will be there for me?" He asked hopefully.
"Of course," she said, squeezing his hand. "Always, my friend."
