TW: Suicide attempt talk, self harm.
Chapter 8
Severus looked across the lake, the late evening pinkish glow reflected on the tranquil waters broken only by the ripples of the giant squids tentacles lapping up the last of the days warmth. His heart was myriad of emotions; the thrill of waking beside the woman he loved was marred by the underlying fear for her safety. He knew from the moment he'd woken to find her in the throes of a nightmare that Voldemort was penetrating her mind. The Dark Lord had eluded that he wanted her to suffer, and so Severus wasn't surprised that he'd chosen to torment her in the cruelest way possible.
He'd arranged to meet Dumbledore to discuss where they went from here. He wanted to prepare Lexi, to teach her Occulmency, but was reluctant to let her in on his work for the Order. She, of course, knew he was a spy but she wasn't privy to the finer details particularly Voldemort's sudden interest in her. Severus wanted her as far from that world as possible, he felt fiercely protective of her and wanted to ensure she never saw the world through his eyes. He turned towards the castle and spied Dumbledore making his way towards him, despite everything he felt a sense of comfort in the old man's company.
"Ahh, what a beautiful sight," Dumbledore observed the sunset as he drew level with Severus, who stood to greet the Headmaster.
"Quite." Severus replied, standing beside Dumbledore and clasping his hands behind his back. "I've got some information that may interest you." He added, anxious to air his troubles.
"Oh?" He articulated, extracting a sweet from a bag in the pocket of his robes. "Do tell."
Severus frowned at the eccentricity, but continued. "I believe the Dark Lord is trying to intrude on Lexi's mind," he said. "She told me of a troubling dream she had last night, as well as her passing out mid-air during Potter's transfer to Grimmauld Place."
"Yes, Remus relayed that to me yesterday." He said distractedly, unsticking two rhubarb and custard sweets. "He said she felt – grief?"
"Yes, Headmaster, she said it felt like the moment when she found out her father had died." He recalled, shivering at the memory of her distress. 'I believe this is the beginning of the Dark Lord's torment of her, before he … carries out his intentions."
Dumbledore popped the sweet into his mouth and gazed thoughtfully over the lake. "I wouldn't hesitate to agree with you," he said gravely. "I have my suspicions that Voldemort will use her to try and get to Harry."
Severus felt his heart sink. "Is there nothing we can do?" He asked, feeling panic rise in his chest. "He cannot be allowed to read her mind! What if … he sees something that gives me away?"
Dumbledore looked at him with twinkling eyes. "And what, pray tell, would that be?" He said, his face twitching with amusement.
Severus glared at him. "Can you be serious for one moment please!" He hissed, infuriated at Dumbledore's apparent lack of solemnity. "Lexi's life is in danger! I need to know you take her safety seriously!"
Dumbledore observed him over the rim of his glasses. "Of course I do, Severus." He said earnestly. "When is she returning to us?"
"Tomorrow morning, she assures me." Severus replied, still seething. "I cannot force her hand, and she is far too stubborn for her own good."
Dumbledore chuckled. "Sounds like someone else I know," he said wisely. "You two are very much alike."
Severus didn't answer, he would have preferred not to be drawn into this conversation with Dumbledore. But it seemed as though the old man was intent on probing. Severus had already confessed his love for Lexi to Dumbledore the previous year, an admission he was fast regretting.
"I wish to instruct her in the art of Occulmency," Severus continued, ignoring Dumbledore's amused stare. "She will need to protect herself from further attacks, and of course from unwittingly revealing crucial information."
"I agree, Severus." Dumbledore said affably. "You will do so as soon after she returns as is necessary. I would also advise you reveal to her Voldemort's plans, she is an Auror after all and is perfectly capable of coping with the knowledge."
"We'll see. I'd prefer it if she had as little involvement as possible." He said mulishly. "I do not wish her to be burdened with the darkness I witness."
Dumbledore smiled at Severus, as a father would at a son who had gained particularly good grades at school. It was one of immense pride, and Severus wasn't quite sure what to make of it.
"What is it?" He asked impatiently, feeling fed up with Dumbledore's evasiveness.
"You have come so far, Severus." He said, patting Severus on the shoulder. "When you first came to me to ask for assistance, I wouldn't have seen the vision standing before me now. The love you feel for Lexi brings joy to me."
Severus felt staggered. "Why, pray tell, is that?" He replied evenly.
"You are happy, even though you'd be loathed to admit it," he scrutinized Severus through his glasses. "Do not lose that, you of all people deserve to feel this way. To earn the love of another is perhaps the greatest magic of all."
Severus said nothing, but furrowed his brow at the wizened man who stood before him. Was he happy? He had certainly felt content when she was with him, and he truly couldn't imagine her not being in life – but happy? He wasn't too sure, there was still the fact that he had to spend countless hours in the presence of evil and with others whom he detested, but with Lexi all of that seemed to fade away. The image of Lexi laying next him, her arms entwined in his, brought a wave of bliss to his heart. He smiled to himself, but quickly returned to his impassive expression when he saw the perceptive look on Dumbledore's face.
"Have you had any thoughts as to what do when the Dark Lord summons Lexi to him?" Severus voiced, trying to change the subject although Dumbledore still wore his smug expression.
"Not yet, but I will." He said firmly. "If you both would come by my office tomorrow evening."
"Very well, Headmaster." Said Severus, bowing his head slightly. "Is that all?"
"It is, Severus." Dumbledore yielded. "Am I to gather you will be – ahh – assisting in Miss McNaughton's security detail tonight?"
Severus froze, he hated the knowing twinkle in the old mans eyes. "What do you mean?" He asked defiantly, knowing full well what the Headmaster was inferring.
"Nothing, an old mans ramblings." The corners of Dumbledore's mouth twitched as he spoke. "I will see you and Miss McNaughton tomorrow."
He nodded a goodbye to Severus and retreated towards the castle. Dumbledore had been right of course; Severus' intentions were to follow Lexi at a safe distance to ensure her safety. He was convinced the Dark Lord wouldn't try anything in person or via his Death Eaters, but ever since witnessing Lexi in the throes of her nightmare he wanted to protect her. The anguish on her face when she woke had almost broken him.
He pulled his cloak tighter around him as the dusk began to settle and a cool breeze rippled through the grounds. Once he'd past the gates he disapparated, still unsure as to whether he was doing the right thing.
Lexi and Emmeline sat across from one another in a small, but cozy bar that was slowly filling up as the weekend punters became increasingly livelier as the evening evolved into night. The low-level lighting provided by ornate wall brackets and small, quaint silver candles on their booth, along with the bohemian décor, made Lexi feel oddly comforted. Muggles bustled around the place busily, embarking on their raucous Saturday night revelries. Lexi's rosy curls were loose, framing her oval face and falling in waves across her shoulders. She'd decided to boost her confidence and wore a teal skater-style dress that hugged her small waist. She had noticed she drew admired glances from several of the patrons, but she took no notice. She wondered idly what Severus would think if he saw her.
"Earth to Lexi!" Emmeline said, waving her hands in front of Lexi's eyes.
"Oh! I'm sorry, Em!" Lexi jumped, seeing her friend's concerned expression. "I was miles away!"
"That much is obviously, what's going on with you?" Emmeline asked, sipping from a luminous green cocktail.
"My mind is all over the place is all," she said, nursing a large glass of red wine. "It's been an – eventful couple of days, to say the least."
Emmeline smiled sympathetically. "That much is true," she said. "Are you any closer to figuring out what your dream meant?"
She shook her head, taking a large sip of her drink. "Not at all, but I return to Hogwarts tomorrow so hopefully Dumbledore will have some answers." She said. "Severus knows more than he's letting on though, which is infuriating."
Emmeline bit her bottom lip to prevent her from smiling. "Severus?" She enquired. "You're on first name terms now?"
"We're friends, Em!" Lexi protested casually, ignoring her friend's raised eyebrow. "He's not the man I once thought he was. He's – different."
"Uh huh, in what way?" Emmeline teased, winking at Lexi.
"Easy now, tiger." Said Lexi, giving Emmeline a stern look. "We got talking one night when I first started my post at Hogwarts. Turns out we're rather alike, and he's surprisingly easy to talk to. When he's not being anti-social."
"Oh, come one, Lexi! Give me some credit, please." Said Emmeline, throwing her arms in the air. "It's obvious he cares about you, we've all noticed it."
Lexi felt a blush rise to her cheeks. "What is it exactly that you've noticed?" She asked innocently.
"Err – the way he looks at you, and you at him?" Emmeline answered as though it were obvious. "The fact that he went back to the Leaky Cauldron with you and, Remus tells me, visited you the next morning."
Lexi sighed, there was no way Emmeline was going to let this go. But she felt protective of what she and Severus had, if indeed they had anything, and didn't relish the idea of revealing something so personal.
"We're just friends, Em." Said Lexi casually, hoping Emmeline would take the hint and drop the subject. "As a friend, he is just concerned for me wellbeing."
"I've never known Snape to be concerned for anyone," Emmeline pressed, clearly not put off by Lexi's apparent dislike of direction of conversation. "Before you arrived back at Grimmauld Place the other night, when you fell, he looked petrified. He kept pacing the kitchen and interrogating us all on what happened to you."
"I'm sure you too were concerned for my welfare, and as far as I'm aware we're not romantically involved." Said Lexi shrewdly. "Sirius has got it into his head that Severus and I are together, he keeps questioning me whenever he sees us in the same room."
"Can you blame him? You were engaged." Said Emmeline, draining her cocktail and refilling it with the jug on their table. "Lily and I were certain you two were a done deal."
Lexi frowned. "So did I, but times and feelings have changed." She shrugged, topping up her wine glass. "It's sad, but I simply do not love him in the same way I used to."
From then on Emmeline steered clear of any conversation involving the men in Lexi's life. They whiled away the night reliving their years as Aurors, laughing so hard till their stomach's hurt at the exploits that Lexi and Sirius used to get up to. When they'd left Hogwarts her and Sirius had enrolled with the Ministry's Auror training program. Emmeline was two years above them at Hogwarts, and was already an established member of Magical Law Enforcement by the time they joined. Lexi had been on friendly terms with Emmeline at Hogwarts, but they became close once Lexi qualified as an Auror. Voldemort's campaign had been under way for sometime, and Lexi knew she wanted to be involved in the fight. Her and Emmeline had been partnered together, working under the expert tutelage of Alastor Moody.
"I hated that bloody eye!" Emmeline exclaimed, after several more green cocktails. "It always seemed to be watching me! As though he didn't trust me."
"Can you blame him?" Lexi replied, feeling her words begin to slur. "You spent most of our training sessions on the floor injured!"
"Just because you were Miss Top Marks!" Emmeline squinted at her, pointing her finger at Lexi's face. "For most of your time at Hogwarts you just messed about with the boys!"
"If I recall, and I have a good memory, I remember you being around us a lot as well before you graduated." She said knowingly. "I think that was due to a certain Mister Lupin?"
Emmeline held her head in her hands. "Oh, Merlin! You remember?" She groaned. "I swear that was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life!"
"Oh don't worry, Em!" Lexi consoled. "Remus got over it – eventually!"
As the bell rang for last orders, Lexi and Emmeline drained their last drinks and left the bar. The streets were filling with people as the pubs and bars closed up for the night. Lexi felt unsteady on her heals, and had to hold onto a rather wobbly Emmeline for support. After several minutes they found a quieter spot, Lexi bade Emmeline goodnight and fumbled for her wand to disapparate. In her slightly inebriated state, she dropped it onto the pavement and heard it clatter into the road. Cursing her own clumsiness, she stooped to pick it up.
She felt a familiar icy wave engulf her and an earsplitting scream fill her ears. She fell to the floor clutching her head, her skull threatening to split. A sudden, sharp pain cut through the skin at her wrist. She looked down and saw two gaping wounds appear at her shaking wrists. Hot, blood poured down her arms and onto the pavement. She screamed, hysteria rising in her chest and her hands shaking as the blood drained from her arms.
"Lexi!" She heard a man's voice shout.
But Lexi continued to stare, terrified and transfixed at her wrists. She felt strong arms grab her shoulders and shake them roughly.
"Lexi!" The voice shouted again, this time with far more urgency. "Stop, please stop!"
The screaming begun to fade, as though it coming from a badly tuned radio, and the wounds on her wrists slowly dissolved into her skin until no trace was left. She knelt on the pavement trembling violently, her teeth chattering as though it were winter.
"What was it?" She heard Severus' voice quiery, his voice shaking. "What did you see?"
"M-My wrists … t-they were c-cut … and b-bleeding." She forced out through chattering teeth.
"I'm taking you back to Hogwarts," he said firmly, grabbing her gently under the arms and pulling Lexi to her feet. "Hold on." He added guiding her hands to his waist.
Seconds later they appeared on the outskirts of Hogwarts' grounds. Lexi was vaguely aware that Severus, with his arm round her, was steering her back towards the castle. As she felt the cool mountain breeze caress her skin, she felt her senses return. She felt as though someone was using her own past against her, making her re-live over and again all the traumas she'd experienced in her life. After a few moments Lexi realised Severus was leading her down to the dungeons, the lights had a turned a sickly green colour and she could smell damp in the air. They approached a door at the end of the narrow corridor; Severus muttered a password and the door creaked open. He led her into an understated living area; two of the four walls were hidden by gigantic bookshelves. Each shelf filled with an assortment of peeling books and jars of ingredients. Two chairs sat opposite one another in front of a large, stone fireplace. Severus lowered her into one, then went to a drinks cabinet by the window and decanted some brandy into a glass.
"Drink this." He instructed, handing Lexi the glass.
"Thank you." Said Lexi, taking the glass in a shaking hand.
She sipped the amber liquid, relishing in the slow warmth that spread to the tips of her toes and fingers. Severus lit a fire with a flick of his wand and took the chair opposite, a drink in his own hand. He stared at Lexi as she drained her glass, and she felt very exposed. She flattened her dress on her thighs nervously, feeling Severus' eyes penetrate into her mind. He regarded her as though a piece of priceless china.
"Lexi, I want you to answer me honestly." He said seriously. "Did you –"
"Yes, I did." She cut him off, feeling the familiar pang of shame overwhelm her. "It was a year after … after Lily and James died. I'd rather not talk about it."
Hot, shaming tears fell from her cheeks and stained her teal dress. She heard Severus leave his chair and felt him kneel in front of her. Lexi lifted her head and saw tenderness in his expression. He took her hands in his, bringing them up to his mouth and kissing them lightly.
"Do not be ashamed of yourself." He said, reaching up and brushing her tears with his thumb. "The pain that blights us serves as a reminder of what we have survived. There is so much strength in you."
Lexi tried to answer, but her throat felt constricted. She reached up and placed her hand over his. She saw him take a deep, steadying breath.
"I … love you … Lexi." He whispered.
