TW: Self harm, suicide
Chapter 12
Lexi's occlumency sessions took up much of her days after the meeting with Dumbledore that revealed Voldemort's intent toward her. Luckily, part of her Auror training had involved a small amount of Legilimency resistance, so she wasn't as much of a novice as she'd feared. The sessions were long and arduous; the relative urgency of the situation and Severus' profound fear for her safety drove them to push beyond their limits.
This would mean even more testing by the constant force flashbacks occlumency forced up her. Severus had, upon beginning their sessions, asked Lexi if she wanted to divest herself of any memories that may cause her distress. She had of course declined; she had come to terms with her past during her travels and wanted to hide nothing from Severus. Their lives had become entwined in the most intimate way, and Lexi felt hiding her past from him would threaten their fledgling relationship. This came to a head during their forth session, one that had become abnormally testing for both Severus and Lexi.
"Lexi – we can stop – if you're tired," Severus panted, leaning on the stone wall for support.
"No!" Lexi gasped, clutching her chest and trying to stave off a wave of exhaustion. "I need to do this!"
Severus staggered towards her, cupping her face with his shaking hands. He smiled weakly at her, and then kissed her forehead.
"Your strength astounds me, Lexi." He whispered, stroking her cheek with his knuckle. "After everything you've been through, you still have the will to fight."
"If I did not have the strength, the repercussions would be more far-reaching than my demise." She replied, feeling his touch soothe her.
"That is a heavy burden, and one I know all too well, but it still pains me to hear it from your lips." He sighed woefully, pushing a stray curl from her face.
"I could say the same for you," she said, recalling his childhood that had imprinted themselves on her mind. "Nobody deserves the life you've been forced to lead."
Severus closed his eyes and turned away from her. "I do not need nor deserve your pity, Lexi." He said irately, his tone winding her. "My past has served its purpose, it drove me to change, but you –" he turned to face Lexi. "- you are my future. I do not wish my past to taint us."
"It won't," Lexi assured, once again astounded by the vulnerability within him. "There is nothing that I will allow to separate us, especially not your past."
Severus inhaled sharply, pulling her to him and pressing his lips against hers. Lexi could believe that a man who, outwardly, portrayed such confidence and self-assurance could be plagued by such insecurities. When they drew apart, Severus rested his forehead against hers, not wanting to break their contact.
"We should continue," Lexi stated softly. "I think I almost had it last time."
"Very well, but after this we shall retire for the night." He said firmly, moving away from her and raising his wand. "Your last attempt was very nearly a full resistance, disarmament seems to be the best way for you to resist rather than the obvious defensive spells."
Lexi nodded, rolling up the sleeves of her jumper and raising her own wand. Severus exhaled loudly, and Lexi braced herself. She tried to empty her mind, tried not to think or feel, but the image of a small, black-haired child cowering in the corner of a dingy living room sprung to her mind.
"Legilimens!"
Severus' spell struck her before Lexi's distracted mind could comprehend defending itself. The office swam in front of her eyes and vanished, image after image raced in front of her as though coming from an antique projector. The images were so vivid, they blinded her to the surroundings of the real world.
She sixteen and sat in the hospital, holding her Dad's hand as his life ebbed away … then she was nineteen, her and Sirius kissed surrounded by the gleaming coast of Morocco … then she was holding a tiny baby with messy black hair, who smiled up at her … she was knelt on the ground outside a ruined cottage shrieking against the biting wind … and then sat was sat, cross-legged on a bathroom floor holding a large kitchen knife against her wrist with a shaking hand …
"NO!" She shouted, and an obscuring mist descended in front of the memory.
She felt a sharp pain in her knee, and as she came to, she realised she must have fallen painfully on the cold, stone floor. She blinked several times and Severus' office came back into view. She felt dizzy and sick, retching several times but avoiding physical sickness. She felt Severus' grip on her arms, and he pulled her to her feet. As Severus' face came into focus she noticed a small cut on his lower lip.
"I assume your intention wasn't to hit me with a Cutting Curse?" Severus asked calmly, as he wiped his mouth with the back of his sleeve.
"No," Lexi said frustrated, hastily wiping the tears that were forming in her eyes.
"I thought not," Said Severus, watching her closely. "What happened? That last memory –"
"I do not wish to discuss it," Lexi snapped, closing her eyes to try and rid herself of the image that burnt into her retinas. "You already know that I ..."
She made to walk away but Severus grabbed her wrist, he pulled her towards him, turned over her hands and lifted the sleeve of her jumper. Two faint scars were the only physical reminder of the depths of her depression. He examined them wordlessly, tracing the soft white skin with his forefinger. Lexi's hand shook at the contact, nobody had seen the blemishes so intimately.
"Why?" He asked softly.
"You don't want to hear this," she choked. "I don't want to hear this. Reliving it was bad enough."
"We need to deal with it, we cannot allow this to fester." He persisted, tilting Lexi's chin up so her eyes met his.
"I am so ashamed," she wept, reaching up and clasping his hand in hers.
"Don't be," he croaked, his voice breaking with emotion. "We cannot undo our past, Lexi. You taught me that."
"It haunts me," she sobbed. "Everyday."
Severus pulled her into an embrace, so that her head rested on his chest. "Why?" he repeated his earlier question, while stroking her hair.
"I'd lost everything," she uttered. "My best friends, my fiancée … my Dad. My job meant that everyday I was confronted with the worst humanity had to offer. All I saw evil, suffering and loss. I just couldn't deal … with anything. And then, there was Harry …" She paused for a moment to steady herself. "Lily had trusted me to protect him, to look after him … and I'd failed."
She felt Severus' grip tighten.
"I remember just standing in the shower … for almost an hour," her voice was barely audible now. "The memory is hazy … but I remember blood, lots of blood … then my Mum screaming. I woke up in St Mungo's a few hours later."
She lifted her head from Severus' chest and saw that his eyes glistened, silent rivers of tears rolled down his cheeks. She felt her chest constrict, she had not expected him to react like this. She reached up and wiped his tears away with her thumb.
"What happened afterwards?" He asked gently.
"I was sectioned, as per my Mum's request, and kept at St Mungo's for observation and rehabilitation." She said, wiping her damp cheeks. "After several months of fairly intense therapy I was allowed home. I was in my Mum's care for some time before I was allowed to live on my own."
"And now?" He asked tentatively.
"Now I have you, Severus." She said tenderly. "I would like use to stop living in the past, and looking towards our future."
"Our future?" He whispered in amazement.
"Yes, our future," she smiled. "Assuming you don't get sick of me, of course."
"I could never get my fill of you, Lexi." He breathed. "This still doesn't change –"
"I know you cannot offer me anything right now," she reassured him with a smile. "But neither of us know what the future will hold. I'm being an optimist for once."
"I love you," he said, running his fingers through her curls.
"I love you too, Severus." She replied.
Severus leant forward and kissed her deeply, as though pouring physically into her the passion and love he felt. Lexi reached up and ran her fingers through his hair, procuring the desired effect when he growled into their kiss. She felt his hand push underneath the woolen fabric of her jumper, caressing the small of her back.
"Mmm, I'd quite like to take you to bed, Professor." She purred in his ear.
"I … ahh … think I would quite like that," he moaned through gritted teeth.
"Of course I'll be there, Remus." Lexi said to Remus' face in the flames of the fireplace. "He needs all the support he can get. This whole thing is preposterous."
"I agree, the Ministry is completely overreacting and ignoring their own laws." He said, causing embers to fly up the in grate.
It was mid-week and Lexi had received an owl the previous evening from Remus asking her to be by the fire in her quarters at eight o clock the next day. This would eat into her occlumency sessions with Severus and even though he loathed her connection with Harry, he had decided not to argue the point. Lexi wondered idly would it would be like trying to keep the peace between her godson and her lover.
"Fudge is obvious painting the façade of Harry as a liar, it's an easier option to argue rather than confronting the truth," Lexi said bitterly. "Minerva told me that Dumbledore interviewed someone from the Ministry for the Defence job."
"Yes, I've heard about that." Sighed Remus. "Em came by the house this morning and said it looks as though they've put old Dolores Umbridge up for the job."
Lexi felt suddenly queasy. "Umbridge?" She voiced with disgust. "That nasty old bag? She gives me the creeps! With the pink … and the cats … urgh!" She added with a shudder.
"Yes, well, I'd tread carefully, Lex." Remus warned. "She'll be watching the staff like a hawk, and I'm sure she'll take swift action upon anyone who doesn't conform to the Ministry's ideal."
"When have you ever known me not to conform, Remus?" Lexi said innocently.
"All the time," Remus chuckled. "In fact when you informed me you were going into Law Enforcement I almost choked on my pumpkin pie."
Lexi laughed at irony at the notion of Hogwarts' most infamous pranksters (except perhaps the Weasley twins) all becoming Aurors. In fact, it was even more astounding that Lexi found herself teaching, something that she had sworn never to do.
"Your faith in me is, as ever, touching." She answered sardonically.
"Anyway, how are you?" Remus asked, a hint of concern in his voice.
"I am fine, Remus." Lexi assured him as best she could. "Severus is instructing me in occlumency, and I've not had anymore disturbing visions so it must be working."
"How are you and Severus?" He asked, a knowing smirk on his face.
"Me and Severus?" Lexi repeated his question with raised eyebrows. "What exactly are you inferring?"
"That you and our old friend are – ahh – courting?" Remus said, his grin broadening.
"Courting?" Lexi sniggered. "What are you, eighty? And no, we are not courting so you can report a 'no' to Sirius' question he made you ask."
"What makes you think Sirius asked me to pry?" He said with an innocence that fooled no one.
"Remus, you're as bad a liar as I am," Lexi laughed. "I know he's in the room with you – hello Sirius!" She waved at the space behind Remus' head.
She heard a bark of laughter and a distant voice say "how'd she know I was here?"
"I knew because you are the most predictable doofus I know!" She said with a superior smirk. "Anyway Remus, I'd best be off, I have another occlumency session with Severus and it hates it when I'm late – in fact –" she added behind Remus' head once more "- he spanks me if I'm naughty!"
Remus pulled a revolted face just as Sirius' let out a strangled shout of protest and a cry of "I'm going to be sick". Lexi chuckled to herself and bade Remus goodnight, satisfied in the knowledge that she'd fuelled Sirius' nightmares for the remainder of the summer.
