October 15th, 2017 MC

In the blue Danube, I speak to you

In the blue Danube, your heart rings true

In the blue Danube, your oh this isn't gonna work!

Hi there! This is Cream, and this is another entry in my diary! Honestly, I'm amazed at how many entries there've been. Of course, it's not as if there's that much to do out here. I can still try and write poetry or go outdoors for a midday stroll, but I could do most of that in my old home.

…Home. I'm not really sure where home is anymore. Not after what happened back in what used to be my home. I used to love home so much. The green fields, the skies as blue as sapphire! Sitting with Cheese underneath a beautiful sunset! I suppose I could do all of that here, but would it be the same? Or would some unforeseen element, whatever made it truly special, be lost? I don't know the answer to that, but I'm not sure I wish to discover it. Then again, there are some things I'm not sure I wish to discover.

Perhaps I should change the subject for a moment. Things have been moving rather quickly since Johnny and the others returned from the Hilltop Zone. In a bid to establish further organization, both Johnny and Amy have been made field leaders. From what I can tell, Johnny was a shoe-in, but giving Amy such a vital position turned more than a few heads. Perhaps he saw something up in the Hilltop Zone that we didn't? Who's to say?

Additionally, Sticks has also become a Freedom Fighter. One has to wonder how she even pulled it off. I suppose anyone can do anything with enough drive and conviction, but she always seemed to me to have a few screws loose. Then again, I still do not know her very well, so perhaps I am too quick to judge. That said, her reason for joining appears to have something to do with finding her 'dear dumb deadbeat dead who deserves to be dropped into a dingy, dank dungeon and be devoured by hyenas'. I would not put such a thing so horribly or be so unforgiving, especially seeing as her father may have reasons for what he did. I do not know if they're good reasons, but they're reasons nonetheless. She should at least hear him out before making any judgments! That is what I know I would do with my dad if I ever found him.

My dad. If only he were here. It has been somewhat lonely growing up without a father. There is my mother, and I am glad she is still with me, but she can be distant. Or at least could be. She still cared for me, still loved me, but I never felt I could get close. It was as though she were putting up some sort of barrier that I could never break past, no matter how much I wanted to.

Only now, that barrier seems to be coming down of its' own accord. Even since I became what I've become, my mother seems has been more and more personal. She's more willing to show her affection, more open to saying what she truly thinks. She's just THERE. More than she used to be. And all I can wonder is why. What changed between then and now? Does it have something to do with what happened back in the village? Does it have something to do with how I killed him I killed him I KILLED HIM-

Does it have something to do with that, I wonder? Either way, I probably should not complain. My mother being open cannot be anything but a good thing. Or at least that is what I keep telling myself. But sometimes I cannot help but wonder if perhaps her reasoning for that kind of attitude shift is me. Is she trying to make me feel better? Comfort me? Except when I look at her, I know that isn't the case. Not entirely. So what could it be? Or at least that is what I thought.

In any case, it was time to cease thinking about things I could do nothing about. Or at least that is what I kept telling myself. Instead, I decided it was time to check on my friends! With Cheese tailing right behind me, I spread my ears, flapped them as high as I could, and soared as high into the air under the rays of the morning sun as I could! Of course, I couldn't go above the trees without someone potentially spotting us, but there was still ample room to move in Knothole as long as you followed the path.

I looked down at the ground below searching for Amy and Big. Apparently, they had been shanghaied into being part of the Oracles of Delphi, so I was heading for the concert hall on the edge of the forest. As I flew towards it, I couldn't help but occasionally glance back at Cheese. Cheese had been my best friend since as far back as I could remember. It was as if we were always meant to be together.

And yet, given what had occurred within the last few weeks, I was no longer so sure. Or rather, I supposed I was surer than ever. Now, we had no choice but to be together. If I ever strayed too far away from Cheese, there was a fair possibility that I would begin to perish. Before, we thought we would always be together because we were the best of friends. But now? Now, it is because we don't have a choice. And it is because of him that I…

I spotted the concert hall. It was not very well put together, consisting mostly of a series of stumps for seats and a most rudimentary stage. But it was the thought that counted. In any case, the entire band was there. Mina, Amy, and Big were getting ready to rehearse. Sonia and Manic were not present, though I was sure they would be there shortly. Regardless, I figured I would drop in and pay my friends a visit. Surely there would not be any harm in that!

I lowered myself to the ground and Cheese did the same. "Hello, everyone!"

Everyone seemed somewhat surprised as they turned around to see me, though they quickly warmed up as soon as they did. Mother did say I had that effect on people. "Oh, hey, Cream!" said Amy.

"Oh, uh, how you doing, Cream?" said Mina. "Wasn't expecting you just now. But that's okay I guess."

"How ya doin', kiddo?" said Big. "Haven't seen ya in a while."

I pushed my two pointer fingers together as if I were pressing my brain cells against one another for something to say. "Well, let us just say I had other things on my mind. As it were." At that moment, everyone flashed back to that day at the village. I could tell from their eyes. Whether or not it was simple intuition or something more, I could not say.

"Uh, yeah," said Mina, "I can sorta see why I guess. It wasn't exactly a cakewalk for you, was it?" She was so nervous she began oh so slightly to vibrate, as though she wished she could have been anywhere but there.

"No," I said. "No, it wasn't." I was doing my best to block it out. To block blood BLOOD block out those horrible images as best I could. But I was not sure it would be enough.

"Hey, kiddo," said Big, "don't beat yourself up about it. You did what you had to—"

I quickly changed the subject. "So, Miss Amy. You and Mister Big, musicians! How exactly did that happen?"

"Well," said Mina, "we still needed a couple musicians for our show, so I asked anyone with even a passing interest to come and help out a bit.

"I played some flute back in school," said Amy, blowing on a white porcelain flute and failing miserably.

"I sometimes bust out my ukulele," said Big, ukulele on hand. "Though I'm not sure if that's going to cut it."

Mina tried her best to not to show her embarrassment, though she didn't always do the best job of that. "Uh, well, don't worry, that's fine! As long as you can play something, I guess. Maybe we can even give you a crash course. Though we've still got to come up with an opening act."

"You still don't have one?" said Amy. "You, Sonia, and Manic have been together for a while now, right? You'd think you've already have something whipped up."

Mina looked away as she scratched the back of her head, as though there were something she was reluctant to share. In their favor, they were right. Should she not have already had something to go by now? And yet, as I would soon learn, things were just slightly more complicated than that.

"It's not so simple. For one thing, we didn't have the time to grab all the old gear and sheet music when taking off from Mobotropolis. It's taken us this long to get new instruments, and now that we have them, we'd need to start rewriting the sheets if we wanted to use the same old songs, you know? To be fair, we know a lot of them by heart, but there's some of them where it would really help to have those sheets."

"Makes sense," said Big. "That said, if you still know plenty of songs, why are ya so desperate to have a new opening act?"

"Well, I guess it's because I just want to do something special, you know? Now that we've got the chance, I want to do something that really speaks to all of us. We're all stuck out here in Knothole, fighting for our lives and everyone else's with all we've got. Like each day could be our last. And some of us have already taken some losses. So I want something that really says something about that, you know?"

Amy and Big were in awe. "Wow," said Amy. "You've really thought about this, huh?"

"Uh, well, sorta? I mean, sometimes when I'm thinking of a new song, I spend more time thinking about what the song's about instead of writing the actual song, which is something I've been working on but—"

"It's okay, kiddo,' said Big. "No problem with givin' things some thought. Gaea knows we could use some more of that."

"He's right, you know," said Amy.

"If you say so," said Mina. "Thanks. Though that doesn't change that I haven't been able to put pen to paper. Which is a problem. We need an opening act and we need it soon. I guess I'm just gonna have to hope I come up with something and pray for the best."

As I listened, I couldn't help but feel sorry for them. Here they were trying to write a song and cheer everyone up and they just couldn't quite push through. I knew that I could not abandon them in their hour of need. After all, when someone is in trouble, the only thing that you can do is step in and THEY ABANDONED ME

Ahem. The only thing that you can do is step in and help them out! That's the only correct course of action. Full of resolve, I stepped forward, determined as could be to do what I could. And what I could do was write.

"Uh, excuse me, ?" I raised my hand into the air, hoping that she would notice me. In fact, she did.

"Yeah, Cream?"

"Uh, I think I may be able to assist you with your song."

"Really?" Mina took a good look at Cream as if sizing her up. "Uh, well, you mean well, but you're kinda young for this sorta thing."

It was then that my friends rose to my aid, as I would for theirs. As everyone should for everyone. "Actually," said Amy, "Cream isn't that bad. She's been writing lyrics and poetry all her life, and she's actually done some half-decent stuff."

"Same thing," said Big. "If she wanted to make a career out of it, she'd really be somethin'."

I couldn't help but blush. "You didn't have to say that. I really do appreciate it, but-"

"No, really!" said Amy. "Do you know hard good lyricists are to find out in the boonies?"

"What she said,' said Big. "Seriously, your stuff can be a bit rough at times, but it's still neat. With a bit of polish, it'd really be somethin' special."

"Hey, why don't you show her one of your old songs, Cream?"

I almost wasn't sure if she was serious. It took me a moment before I realized she was, and my smile promptly turned upside down. "Uh, oh, I couldn't! I mean, I do not wish to be rude, but it is only something I do in my spare time, that's all! Truly! It wouldn't be anything worth performing in a concert, I assure you!"

"Hey, Cream," said Mina, "it's okay. If you're nervous, well, I get nervous too. I might even be nervous now and I don't know why, but that's just how it is. But I'd still really like to hear your song."

By this point, my eyes were closed and my fists were clenched, but as I slowly opened the former, I could see that Mina was smiling. As though she meant everything she said. She was truly a kind and considerate woman. And I could be no less.

"Alright," I said. "Here goes." I coughed into my fist to ready my voice, but the real challenge was yet to come. Nevertheless, Amy was counting on me. Mina was counting on me! In that moment, I could not let them down. I closed my eyes and called upon something deep within myself, and like a Goddess of Rock (which SO contrasts with how I usually am, I know,), I began.

Everything's fine, everything's good, that's what you tell yourself. Everything's great, everything's grand, that's what you tell yourself. But you know better. Because it's anything but.

Why can't you be honest with yourself? Why can't you be true to yourself? And you're up all night trying to wonder why. Why can't you be real with yourself? Why can't you be straight with yourself? And then it hits you like a slab of bricks and you know the answer: Cause you really don't know yourself at all.

I stopped. At first, I wondered why. Why had I stopped? Why wasn't I continuing with the song?

And then it hit me as though a train were running me over. A single, slow tear began to dribble down my cheek like a creek. As though it were barely running, but not for lack of trying. As though there were something dormant, struggling to get out, and I was only keeping it locked in.

But that couldn't have been, I thought. I was fine, was I not? In fact had nearly blocked out those terrible events altogether! I had at last started to get over it. Or at least that was what I thought. And then I wondered if perhaps I had thought correctly. If I was being real with myself. Straight with myself. And if I had truly known myself at all.

"Hey, kiddo?" I was almost in some sort of trance when Big called out to me. With his deep, booming voice, it wasn't hard to snap out of whatever I was in. "Oh! Sorry. I am sorry about that—"

"No, don't be!" said Mina. For whatever reason, she was ecstatic, as though it were one of the best days of her life. "That was great! There was something, I don't know, honest about it! I mean, given what it was about, that's kind of ironic, I know, but still! Like there was something more than we could hear! Something deep. Something painful."

"Uh, yeah," said Cream. "I guess."

"Speaking of which. Cream, if you don't want to talk about it, that's fine. But if you ever do—"

"IT'S FINE!" I am honestly embarrassed about that one. I am usually so prim and proper, or at least outside of my singing, but in that one moment, I forgoed my inhibitions and (I hope I am using this word correctly,) 'snapped.' Apparently, I also stomped the ground below me in the process. If you were to look, you could still see the imprint. I am so ashamed. Mina, Amy, and Big were all staring at me wild-eyed as if I were some sort of crazy person, and while I'm starting to know better now, I can not blame them for thinking that then.

"Hey, Cream!" said Amy. "It's okay! It's okay. There's nothing to be worried about, alright? Okay?"

"Hey!" said Big to Amy. "Don't patronize her. All you're doin' is making things worse." He then turned towards me. "You wanna stomp around, kiddo? That's fine. But you'd best be askin' yourself if you really wanna do that." He pointed down. And that's when I saw the imprint. And that's when I ran.

Actually, I suppose 'flew' would be the more appropriate word. I flew up into the air, desperate to get away. Because I couldn't bear to be there anymore. Not after that. Everyone was calling me, desperate to get me to come back. I couldn't. I needed to be alone. Or at least that is what I thought.

My eyes misty, I barreled through the trees and branches, not sure where I was going and not caring a whit.

That would be a mistake. Before I knew it, I found myself nearly ramming smackdab into a pair of extended, purple metal legs. Gasping as though it were some hideous abomination, I stopped flapping my ears and instead used the power of flight Cheese gave me to stop myself right in my tracks.

It was an awkward sensation. I had been so used to flying under my own power that using someone else's felt unnatural. As though it wasn't me. And knowing where it came from, why I had it; none of that helped. But more so, using that power made me feel dirty. As though by using it, I had committed some unspeakable act. I suppose I should have felt the same about stomping the ground or helping to build the Freedom Fighters' hideout in Knothole, but as I never had those abilities until then, it was still acceptable. And that was the difference here. Because I could already fly. Under my own power no less. And that made using Cheese's version of it all the more reprehensible.

"Oh, gosh! You okay down there?!" I looked up to see where the voice came from, though I was already somewhat familiar with it. Standing tall and proud was Bunnie. She was the same as ever, or at least she should have been if her legs were not so long.

"Uh, I am fine! I am more concerned about you! What happened to your limbs?!"

"Nothin', sugar! Rotor just added another extension."

"A literal one, it seems."

Bunnie chuckled. "Sure seems like it, don't it? Anyway, I'm not sure what good these things'll be since I can fly, but I've got somethin' else that might come in handy."

She clenched her fist and aimed her arm at the ground below, and it shot out and extended just like her legs. It quickly traveled to the grass below almost like a bullet, only stopping mid-air when Bunnie willed it to. "Okay, hon'. I think that's enough." She retracted the arm and the legs, the former coming back to her like a slinky and the latter carrying her down to her feet on the ground. In a moment, she was firmly down upon the ground and waved at me from below as though she hadn't a care in the world. "Come on down! The water's fine!" She was joking of course.

I hesitated. For a moment I thought it might have been best to fly away somewhere where no-one could see. Far away from here. But in another moment, I knew that was foolish. I could not leave my mother, not now. And even if I were to leave, where I could go? The village wouldn't accept me. Not after…

I fluttered down to the ground below, once again under my own power. We were right outside the Science Lab. Where Tails made that device. For only the briefest of seconds, I imagined myself bursting in and smashing that device apart, if only so that Eggman could find me. If only so he could end my suffering. But that was also foolish.

"Cream, right? So, what you up to? Looks like you've got a lot on your mind."

"I suppose." I changed the subject. "So, you said you were testing new limb extensions, correct?"

"You've got it! Though to be honest, I wasn't really for it at first. Rotor convinced me, but it took a lot of doin'."

"Is there something wrong?"

Bunnie sighed. Or at least she tried. Perhaps my bond with Cheese gave me greater perception or perhaps I was merely paying considerable attention, but as Bunnie attempted to sigh, I could not hear a single breath of air escape from her body. I looked at her chest. She was not inhaling or exhaling in the slightest. Or if she were, it was barely noticeable. "You could say that."

"Uh, Miss Bunnie? I hate to ask, but are you alright? You don't seem to be, well…"

"Breathin'? Is that it?" She suddenly didn't seem too pleased.

"Uh, well, if you want to put it that way…"

"It's fine, sugar. It's just, I don't know." She held up her arm. It glistened in the rays of sunlight that peeked through the thick treetops, like a beacon. "I used to think this was all I had to worry about. Now? Now I don't know. But I guess that's nothin' new."

" Miss Bunnie, if you wish to talk about it…"

"No, it's fine. But that's real sweet, sugar. Besides, I'm sure you've got your own problems."

She had hit the nail right on the head. "Well, now that you mention it, I am starting to believe that I may be having, as they say, issues."

"Don't we all?"

"Only, I am not sure what those issues are. I know that what happened back in the village did something to me. In more ways than one. It turned me into some sort of superhuman monstrosity. An unaging superhuman monstrosity. And I…" I nearly began to break down. Again. Only my sheer will and determination kept me from sobbing and collapsing altogether. "I did something unspeakable. So I don't know what my problem is. Or what I am going to do with myself. And I fear it may drive me insane."

I feel that if Bunnie's eyes could mist up, they would have. At that moment, she was undoubtedly sad enough. But as I would soon learn, that may have been impossible. "You're preachin' to the choir. I might not have done anything like you did, but still. I just had some tests done today. They still ain't finished, but ya know what they found so far? A lot of things. For one thing, as of this moment, I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't breathe, I can't cry, I can't even go the bathroom! And you know what else they found? They took a sample of my hair from a week ago. Compared it one I've got now. My hair hasn't grown since. And I haven't aged a day."

It was then that it began to sink in. We may not have been exactly the same, far from it, but in many ways, was the same as me. "They still don't the cause. Not for sure. They think it might be some particle or somethin' they didn't catch. Somethin' that makes roboticization possible."

"Oh, Gaea! Don't tell me there's a chance you'll be fully roboticized!"

"No, not even close. They don't think there's any chance of that. Not without the Robitcizer to stimulate the particles. But they also think there's still enough on me that it might be affecting the rest of my body. Making it more durable, less weak. Better suited to some robot limbs. And they've got a point. After all, metal doesn't grow. Ten years later, I'd have to get some brand new metal prosthetics. Only now, those particles are makin' sure I don't have to. Hell, they're makin' sure I don't gotta do a lot of things."

I was near horrified. In fact, it was almost like something out of a horror novel. Not that I ever read them on account of being horror novels, but Amy told me enough about them for me know how they worked. And indeed, I was near scared out of my wits. But it would only be moments later when I knew why.

"I'm becoming somethin' I never wanted to be. Hell, I'm not sure I'll even be fully Mobian after this. And I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to live with myself." She almost began to break down into a heap, her sheer strength of will and perhaps even her lack of tears keeping her together. "So ya see, ya aren't the only one who's got issues. Not by a longshot. So don't keep beatin' yourself up like ya are."

It was then that I realized. Realized that I was having my own little pity party. And I also started to realize that perhaps I had been too hard on myself. And that I also may not have been honest with myself. That I may have been hiding what I felt deep inside.

Tears began rolling down my cheek. "I didn't want to. I didn't want to do it. But he…"

My strength left me. I collapsed on the ground like a ragdoll. "I DIDN'T WANT DO IT! I DIDN'T WANT TO BE THIS! I DIDN'T WANT TO… didn't want…"

Just then, Cheese tried to grab my hand. Probably to console me. Unfortunately, at that moment, I didn't want to be consoled. Especially not by him. "DON'T TOUCH ME!" He removed his round arm as quickly as he could. And as soon as he did, I couldn't help but feel ashamed. "Oh, Gaea. Cheese, I'm so sorry. I…"

And that was when I broke down completely.

It's hard to remember exactly what happened after that. I know that I was sobbing like a baby. It's somewhat embarrassing looking back on it. Though Councilor Rosie says I shouldn't think of it that way. Sorry. Getting ahead of myself. In any case, other than that, I remember kneeling down and hugging me as much as she could. Seeing as I was nearly as strong as her, she didn't have to worry about crushing me to death. And in hindsight, I'm glad.

I still don't remember all of what told me, but this is what sticks out to me. "It's okay. Let it all out, hon. Gaea knows I can't. Just let it all out."

So I did. According to , we sat there outside the lab for a solid half an hour. Eventually, Tekno and Tails and the others came out to see what was going on, but they knew to keep away. Eventually, after I had cried so long and so hard my eyes were starting to redden, I finally stopped.

"Got it all out, hon?"

I rubbed my eyes with my ears. One of the conveniences of having a body full of fur. "I believe so."

"Good to hear."

"And I also believe I DO have issues."

"Don't we all."

"And I also believe that I would not have admitted that I did without you. Not to you and not myself."

"Don't mention it. Us messed up bunnies gotta stick together."

And at that, despite the tears and the pain, I couldn't help but smile. "Indeed we do. Thanks. Miss Bunnie."

Since then, I've been seeing Counselour Rosie regularly. We've only recently started, but I think I have begun to finally come to terms with, well, everything. Although she says it will be some before I am truly over it. If I ever will be.

I also spoke with mother. She said that she is happy I finally admitted my feelings, and also that I have finally agreed to Miss Rosie . She also says she feels I deserve to know the truth. Whatever that is. Not today, but soon she says. In any case, all I know that is that ever since I have spoken with Miss Bunnie, I have been more at ease with myself. I still have the occasional relapse as the early portions of this diary will attest to, but I feel I am beginning to get somewhere. I also continue to assist Miss Mina with song lyrics. Miss Rosie feels this helps as an outlet, so she encourages it. Anything that helps.

As for Bunnie, the two of us still talk every day. As she said, 'us messed up rabbits have to stick together.' I believe the both of us feel that by helping the other, we help ourselves. And that by talking with someone like ourselves, we don't feel so alone. And sometimes, having someone makes all the difference.