Chapter 10 Light in the Darkness

The next morning I wake up before Christian's alarm. The sun is out and the room is bright. I turn over and see Christian is still sound asleep. I just take a moment and admire him. He is my everything the man of my dreams. I know that the way I feel for him will never stop. Even as I feel that way about Christian. I don't feel like myself today. I am just tired and lacking any of the energy that I had the past couple of days. Part of me feels like just staying home today and not going with him to the office. I roll back over and try and wrap my head around what is wrong with me. I wish I could fall back to sleep but I can't. I hear the alarm go off and Christian shuts it off.

I soon feel his arms wrap around me and I feel his breath on my neck.

" Hey baby, we got to think about getting up time to go into work. Ana, are you awake?"

I roll over to look at him.

" Yes, I am awake. I am just not ready to get up. I feel a little off today. "

" Are you feeling sick. Maybe we should take the day off and get you to a doctor? "

" No I don't think I am sick enough to get a doctor. I will be fine. I think maybe I am just over tired. I will just lay in bed for awhile. You can go to work. I will be ok. Gail and and Ryan will be here right?"

" Ana, baby are you sure? I mean you said you wanted to come with me for awhile and I understand that. I can stay here and work from home? I don't have to do. "

" No Christian you can go. I will be ok here. "

" Ok baby, I will go take a shower if you change your mind let me know. Yes Gail and Ryan will both be here. I will make sure they know to check you. "

Christian gets up and heads into the bathroom. I hear the shower turn on. For a moment I think about going and joining him in the shower. But, I change my mind. I just lay back down and fall back to sleep.

I wake up and look at the clock it says 9:30. I look around the room and get up quickly and go into Christian's closet and into the bathroom. I can't believe he just left and didn't wake me to say good bye. He always says good bye.

I go back to the bed and I feel very sad and upset. I start to cry I think for the first time in our married life he has disappointed me. I sit up when I hear a knock on the door.

" Yes, come in."

The door opens and I can't help but to smile Christian comes into the room carrying a tray with Breakfast on it.

" Good morning baby. Are you feeling well enough to eat? I had Gail make you something light if you want."

" Christian, why are you still home? I thought you had left and I fell asleep and didn't get to say goodbye."

" Ana, I stayed home and have been working in the study. I didn't want to disturb you when I came out of the shower you were sound asleep. I was not going to go and leave you here knowing you were sick and knowing that you wanted to be with me. It's my job to make you feel safe. I love you. "

" Christian thank you for the food and I love you so much. You do take care of me. You know me so well. Yes I would have missed you and wished I had went with you. I am not sure what is wrong with me. I just feel so tired and I don't feel like doing anything I am not sure. When do we see Flynn?"

" Ana I can see if he can see us this afternoon if you would like? Maybe your body is just tired you have been through a lot and stress can wear you down. I think you need to rest a couple of days and I am staying home with you until you are ready. "

" Thank you Christian I love you so much. We do need to talk about Mathew I really don't think he is the body guard for me. I mean did you ask him about if you were gone and left him instructions to take me only to work and home. Who would he listen to You or me? I mean your not here?"

" Ana, I think Taylor covered with him that if I am gone and he is only with you he is still to follow the plan that Taylor and I set out for him not matter what you say. I think Sometimes you were able to make Sawyer feel like he should listen to you then he would. He would call us and find out just how wrong he was. He was an excellent bodyguard for you but maybe that was his only flaw. I did however trust him with you explicitly with you. I am sorry he is gone for you. I know you were close to him. Baby, If I could bring him back I would. It breaks my heart that I can't do that for you."

" Christian I just miss him and I don't know if I will ever feel safe with anyone again. I just don't know. I remember when I first met him as part of your team I thought he seemed a little to sweet to be a body guard. But that was his cover he meant business when he needed to."

" Ana, I promise you no one will be hired permanently until you are totally comfortable with them. But, its Taylor job to keep us safe and he needs to make sure you have your own personal security. "

" I know I just feel like so much has changed. I don't even feel like myself anymore. I have been trying to be me but, the truth is I just don't feel like me anymore. I want to be the woman you fell in love with but right now I feel like she has gone away and I want her to come back. It's getting harder Christian everyday."

" Ana, I would expect you to change some after going through what you went through I would wonder if you didn't change. I have even changed since this happened. But, I will always be strong for you no matter what. Baby, you are the woman I fell in love with. We will get through this time in your life. You haven't changed that much baby. I will take you any way I can get you because all I wanted was you back home with me and here you are. Honey Flynn will help you through all of this. I am sure you are going to have good and bad days. I want to be here for you during both. Ana give yourself time let your self heal. If you have a day like today where getting out of bed is just to much than stay in bed we will work through it and one day all this will make you a stronger woman and us a stronger couple."

"Christian I just think I am falling apart inside I feel like the darkness and fear is taking over. Some days I put on a strong face but, today I just can't. I am afraid."

He moves closer to me and takes me in his arms.

" Ana I know and I am sorry. I am here for you no matter what. I want to help you heal. Just don't shut me out let me help you like you have been and I promise the fear will go away and you will never have to fear that dark day again. "

" Thank you Christian. I am just going to eat and maybe read. Do you think you can stay home from the office tomorrow as well?"

" Yes, I can work from home as long as you need me to be here. I am sure what you heard Ross say the other day has affected you and that is why you feel uncomfortable about the office. promise I will address that. My office is a place you are always welcomed and I never want it to make you feel uncomfortable. I love you and will always love you. Now eat before your food gets to cold. I will sit with you then I need to get back to work. "

I smile at him but I do feel like I am falling apart inside. I know he will try everything he can to keep me from falling apart. He is always there and he will hold me together. After I eat Christian takes the tray and heads back out to the kitchen and then to the study to work some more. I lay down and just stare at the ceiling. I can't understand why I really have no motivation to do anything. It seems so unlike me. Maybe Christian is right maybe the comment from Ross and the other things that have happened are affecting me more than I want to believe or let on. Maybe if I can just accept that I can start to heal. I hope to see Dr. Flynn soon. Maybe he can help me understand theses ups and downs. The one thing I have to remember not to do is try and push Christian away because he will never leave and I don't want him too. He is my best friend and soulmate and he will always have me in his arms.

Sitting in the lobby of Dr. Flynn's office I feel a little nervous Christian is here but he is working in one of the conference rooms and he asked if I would be alright if he didn't go in so he could attend a video meeting. Of course I said yes. I don't want him to know that right now I wish he could just be with me through this. He has to work and I know that.

" Ana, how has this week been for you? "

" Well Actually, it has not been the best. I am really starting to feel very disinterested in things and I just want to sleep. The pills I am using help me to sleep but I don't have energy. "

" Ana I think maybe we should stop taking the sleeping pills. There comes a time when we need to ween off of them and try and sleep with out them. I am sure you can ask Christian about it. He went through that himself. But, let's focus on your disinterest. Maybe while you are here I should have you take a depression screening. I mean with all you went through you could be feeling depressed and that can take a lot out of you. "

" Ok, I will take the screening but I am not sure about the pills. I just think I may need them. "

" I understand but I think you should ask Dr. Grey about coming off of them. They maybe causing more harm than good at this point. "

" Ok, Did you know that Christian and Taylor have been interviewing for my old body's position. I really am not happy with that. Is that normal?"

" Give what you went through and the loss of him yes I think that is. The world will seem to move faster than you are ready to when you are grieving. That is something that happens to everyone I feel. Some one is telling us how and when what to feel. Just listen to your self. You will know when it's time for you. "

" I don't want to upset them but, I am not ready to be with a stranger on my own, what if he is a horrible person and does something horrible. I mean one of my best friends kidnapped me and then left me to die in a fire how can I trust a stranger."

" I understand the trust issue. It is a big thing. I think Taylor and Christian will not let you be placed with someone that they have not 100% vetted. "

" Yes I know. What about Jose and Alicia and Abbey how will I face them in trial when that happends. They will be seeing the grand jury soon and I have been told that I will be needed or at least a statement. "

" Ana, I think for that you can just write a statement. Have your attorney's help you with that. Victims. Now I am going to try my best and help you be mentally prepared for the trial but, that could be a while yet. Justice doesn't always move as swiftly as we want. "

" Ok yes I will need your help. I guess I will have to speak with an attorney about all this. But I am sure they will contact me. "

" Yes, you don't have to worry about that. Here take this tablet and answer the questions and when you are done I will score it for you. "

I sit and look at the screen. I am reading through the questions I come to some like loss of interest in sex with my partner. hmm if that happens I think depression would be the least of my worries Christian would probably kill me or keep me locked in the red room until that interest returned. I laugh because I hope that I am overreacting. When I am done I hand it back to Dr. Flynn.

" I will score this and call you. Depending on the results we may want to schedule an appointment before next week."

" Ok. Thank you Dr. Flynn I will be waiting for your call."

I head out of his office and I see Christian still sitting at the table in the conference room in the meeting. So I enter quietly and just sit to the side and wait for him.I take my phone out and see while I was in a meeting I got a txt from Kate.

" Hey girl, Christian called and said he didn't think you were feeling well today. He asked me to check in on you. Does that man ever stop worrying about you? Well how are you? IF you are up to it why don't we go out for dinner tonight. I have something to tell you. Are you guys coming to the dinner at the Grey's house this week end? Well send me a message when you get this. Kate."

" Kate I am feeling alright just a little off. I think I am just over thinking a lot of things lately. I would love to go out. What time? Where should we meet? Maybe some girl time would be just what I need. Ana"

I look up and Christian is looking at me smiling.

" Did it all go ok? "

" Yes, fine thanks. How about your meeting? Is everything good? "

" Yes baby no worries it's all under control. Are you ready to head home. I should call Mrs. Jones soon and confirm with her about dinner."

I take a deep breathe I want to tell him I would like to go out with Kate and since I don't have security I will be ok because Kate will be with me. But, I am hoping he will believe that. I want to try it because I need to get over this fear. If it is depression holding me back. I guess I need to fight it. Christian will have to go into the office one day and I may not always want to go. Maybe I need to just tell him that.

"Christian Kate Txt me and asked that we go out to dinner tonight for a girls night. I think I would like to go. It might be good for me to get out and have some girl time. I can see that I am safe when I am not just with you and maybe then you don't have to take me everywhere you are going."

" Ana, you know I really don't mind having you with me all the time. Baby I love having you close. I can just look up with I am having a bad moment and see you it makes me smile. I do want you to feel safe but, I am not letting you go with out a body guard. Taylor or Ryan will have to go with you. That is my final word on it."

Hmmm I knew he would want that but, I think I would feel better having one of them with also. So I will let one go with me.

" I think I would like Taylor to go with me. He could drive Kate and I. She was going to drive but now we could just sit and catch up while Taylor drives us."

" I think that is a good idea I will even feel better if Taylor goes with you. Come on we will let him know when we get home. Are you sure you will be alright? I mean I could come and just sit at a different table to give you your time?"

" Christian I love you and I love that idea but I will be with Kate and knowing Taylor is there will make me feel better."

" Ok you win."

I grab his face and give him the biggest kiss ever. He rewards me by keeping the kiss.

" Come let's get home so you can go out to dinner and be back home before it gets dark. I guess I will just eat alone."

I can tell he is pouting. I don't want him to feel like I am leaving him out. I just want something to help me get out of this mood that I am in and I haven't tried having girl time maybe that will work.

" Christian, you don't have to eat alone baby why don't you go over and eat with Elliot. Oh and Kate asked if we are going to your parents house this week end. Are we going?"

" Ana, I really don't want to hang with Elliot. We can go if you want to. I didn't commit to anything because you just haven't wanted to do much and I didn't want you to think I was pushing. I just want you to smile again. I want to make you smile again."

" Christian you do make me smile and You are the only one who makes me happy. I am sorry about tonight. Kate wanted to tell me something so I feel like I should go. In many ways I don't want to go. But we won't be long and I will come home to you and hopefully you will hold me your arms and not let go."

" Ana you know that I will do just that."

When we get home I go in the bedroom just to freshen up and Christian says he is going to let Taylor know that he will be accompanying me to dinner with Kate.

When I am in the back of the car with Taylor and we are driving to Kate and Elliots to pick her up I begin to feel a little anxious. My chest starts to hurt and my head becomes light. I am just going out to eat with my friend why am I feeling like I am out of control. I almost ask Taylor to stop and go home. I close my eyes and breath in and out and try to calm my heart rate. When I open my eyes Taylor is pulling into Kate and Elliot's driveway.

" Mrs. Grey would you like me to go and Get the other Mrs. Grey or stay here ma'am?"

" Um I think I will go get her and then we will be right back. "

Taylor gets out of the car to open my door. I get out and my legs are a little shaky.

" Umm do you think you could come with me to get her. I really think that will be best. "

" Of course I will ma'am."

As we walk up to the door Kate comes out and she comes down the steps and gives me a very big hug.

" Ana it seems like forever since I saw you how are you?"

" Kate I am ok. I have been better I feel like I am in a slump but I hope this makes me feel better."

" I hope so too."

As we walk back to the car Taylor walks on ahead and gets our door. I think he knows that I am feeling a little uncomfortable. I just don't want him to tell Christian. That moment I think about Sawyer. He would always tell Taylor and Christian if I changed any plans. He would make me so mad. But I miss that.

" Ok Ladies, where are we headed tonight? Mr. Grey said you are going out for a nice quiet dinner. Where can I take you? "

" Ana we should try that vegetarian place Cafe Flora?"

" Sure Kate that sounds great. "

" ok ladies we are on our way."

I turn and look at Kate.

" Ok so what is it you wanted to tell me? "

" Ana don't you want to wait until we are at the restaurant?"

" No I really don't so spill it Grey."

" Ok well I am pregnant."

" Kate what oh my goodness that is so awesome. Finally some good did you find out? Why didn't you tell me?"

" Ana we just recently found out and with all the crazy stuff that was happening there really was not a good time to bring it up. I am not that far along yet and we don't know what we are having. But the doctor says once I am about 20 weeks we can find that out. "

I grab Kate in a big hug and start crying, " Kate I am so happy for you. I can't believe I mean I have been so concerned about myself I didn't even think to ask you what was happening in your life. I am so sorry."

" Ana, you don't have to cry I me trust me I understand what you have been dealing with. I am just glad you were willing to come out to dinner with me so I could celebrate the news with you. I didn't want to tell you on the phone."

" Do you think you and Elliot are going to be moving or just staying where you are? I mean with a family you may want a bigger place?"

" I don't think we are going to move any time soon. I mean there is only one baby coming."

" IS Elliot excited? "

" Yes he seems to be. I mean work is keeping him busy but, when I told him the news he was very excited. I have to admit we are both a little nervous about being parents ."

" Kate you and Elliot will make great parents. You both are fun and loving and young at heart. This baby will have the best life ever. I can't wait to spoil my niece or nephew.I am so glad to hear some good news. "

On the way back to Kate's as Taylor drives we both talk about baby names, and what kind of baby shower Kate wants. She says they may do a baby reveal party but they haven't decided if they are going to find out the sex or not. I don't blame her the surprise would be fun. I am sure if I ever have children Christian will want to know he likes to be prepared and doesn't like surprises.

When we arrive back at Escala I walk with Taylor to the elevator. When we get to the apartment Taylor heads to his office. I go in the bedroom to change into something more relaxing. Christian is not in the bedroom so I go and look in his study, the library, the tv room. I can't seem to find him anywhere. I don't think he is upstairs although I haven't looked. I grab my phone and I have one missed call from him and a text. I open the text:

" Hey baby, I hope you are enjoying dinner. Elliot and I decided to go out and catch a movie and dinner. Ana call me if you need anything. I will be home soon I promise. I love you Ana. Love you C, forever."

He is not here. I just know how I feel about that. He has been my rock the one constant in my life since I was kidnapped. I wonder how long he will be. I don't like to be alone I mea I know the security is here but, I feel safer with Christian. I go back into our room and sit on the bed. I can feel the sadness and darkness slowly rising up with in. I don't want to feel like this now, not while Christian is gone. I want to call him and tell him to come home that I need him.

I lay down and try to sleep. It's not really late but sleep will keep my mind from going anywhere to dark. I can't get comfortable in the bed. I roll over on Christian's side and lay my head on his pillow. I can smell him it. I begin to drift off to sleep.

I don't stay asleep to long my dreams are just to vivid of the times in that room in that house. The fire, Jose and how he was so cold and cruel. I don't know why he did this to me I didn't do anything to him. I was always a friend to him he was the one who couldn't handle the fact that I fell in love. He was jealous and mad because he couldn't have me. That is what he said the first night he took me and tied me in that cold room. He told me that he was upset that he had never gotten to touch me or kiss me. I tried to tell him I didn't feel that way for him.

He got even madder and he started to take my clothes off. I remember his breath on me and his hands touching y breasts I felt so helpless. I remember trying to struggle but I was tied up and I couldn't get him off of me. I start to cry because I want this thought to go away. I don't know if I want to tell Dr. Flynn about this or Kate. I think about Christian I can't tell him he will be so upset what if he blames me and never wants me again. He is always so happy about the fact that he is my only. I loved that he is my only. In many ways I feel that he is my only. Jose doesn't count he forced things it was not what I wanted.I a just afraid that Christian won't look at that way.

I start to cry and scream and I can feel the panic welling up inside me. I am awake but it's like I am having a nightmare. I hear the bedroom door open and I freeze. I see Mrs. Jones come come rushing over to me.

" Mrs. Grey, Mrs. Grey are you alright?"

She grabs me and hugs me. She begins stroking my hair and telling me over and over again that I am alright. I am home and I am safe. But the tears won't stop and the fear won't go away.

" Mrs. Grey, Why don't I call Mr. Grey. I think maybe you need him to come home."

I look up at Mrs. Jones, " I don't want to call him. I don't want him to know that I I am still so shaken up about all this. I want him to be able to have a normal life and have to worry about his crazy wife all the time."

Suddenly I hear a voice, and Christian runs into the room and Mrs. Jones steps out of the way and she leaves. He takes me in his arms and I can't help but more tears start falling.

" SHHH Ana baby I am here and I do worry about you all the time. Your not crazy baby. I love my life with you. I don't want a life with out you in it. What happened baby, I could hear you crying when I got off the elevator. Why didn't you call me. "

" Christian I didn't want to ruin your night out. I didn't want you to think I was some needy wife that can't handle being with out her husband."

He smiles and laughs a little. " Ana you are not a needy wife. You are a strong woman who right now happens to need me around more than ever because you have been through some pretty bad stuff. I understand that. One day baby you will be back to your old self again and you will feel safe even if we are not together. I do and don't want that day to come. I love you Ana and I want you better but I am here for you no matter how long it takes even if it takes forever."

" Oh Christian. I love you too. I guess I just panicked and then Mrs. Jones came in and just as she was trying to get me to call you. Well, then you were home. I am scared Christian that I won't be able to work through this. "

" Ana, I know but baby give it time it hasn't been that long. Time can heal anything and so can love. Now you have lots of time and you have all my love."

He pulls me close into an embrace. We are kissing so sweetly and passionately at the some time tears start to stream down my face again. I am happy he is home and I never want him to leave.

He breaks off from the kiss and I see the darkness in his eyes. I bite my lip because I feel the same. I begin to take off his shirt and he smiles as I do. He then stands and removes his pants. He gets back on the bed with me and removes his T shirt that I am wearing and my wear panty's.

He begins to kiss me behind the ear and down my neck while his fingers play with my nipples. He is so gentle he knows just what I need he always does. He slowly makes his way down between my legs and as he kisses me down there I run my fingers in his hair and say his name so softly like a prayer.

Soon he is on top of me and he kisses me once more and then he sinks into me. He looks into my eyes.

" I love you Ana, let's take this slow. I need you as much as you need me."

" Yes please Christian I need you to. I love you."

I fall asleep in my husbands strong loving arms. He is my light right now and I am so glad he understands how much I need him to be with me right now.