Author's note:
This is a piece of entirely unlikely nonsense based around a fake dating/love lessons idea. Purely for fun, like everything I do. This definitely ignores a few canon things and continues from the awkward truce set up in our Love Like /
Ed and Stede are kind of awful in this, not evil, just rather self centred and mad. This is only for the Plot. I still love them! Izzy's past terrible acts are somewhat glossed over too, also for the Plot.
This is mainly a love letter to the skills of Nathan and Con (and of course David) in creating such vivid characters in Izzy and Lucius. Basically, I just wanted to see these two total opposites together.
Heavy on flirting, kissing, and implied smut. Powered entirely with UST.
The Revenge, captains' quarters
Ed Teach, once known as Blackbeard, and Stede Bonnet, once known as the Gentleman Pirate, have called their two principal officers to the captains' quarters. The ship is a day out of port with a full refit, and the sun, as usual, is shining. Ed and Stede stand behind their large polished desk and spread out a thin yellow map.
As co-captains of the ship Revenge , Ed and Stede share this space; luckily, the room is large and was designed by Stede to hold his many knick-knacks. These days, Stede's knick-knacks are gone, and Ed doesn't possess any, so there's plenty of space for two eccentrically-dressed seacaptains.
"There's a ship," says Ed. "The Dolphijn . It's a Dutch merchant ship, loaded with our favourite cargo."
"Gold," says Lucius Spriggs, Stede's Diarist and the Revenge's Purser. He is in his usual position in front of the captains' desk, holding the ship's logbook, awaiting instructions from Ed, or usually, Stede. Ed might wear the tight black leather everything, but Stede, despite his aristocratic frills and his fine lace cuffs, can wrap Ed around his little finger when he chooses.
"Silk," says Stede. "They've collected a shipload of the finest silks from the East and are carrying it to America. Or rather, they were." He purses his lips mysteriously.
Ed taps the large map, which is mostly blank paper with some fanciful swirls indicative of ocean. Dotted lines might be trade routes, or sandbanks; a few meagre islands are shown around the edges of the sheet. "They're here."
Lucius wrinkles his nose at where Ed's be-ringed finger is pointing. He doesn't like empty maps. An empty map tells you that the mapmakers never made it home with the details.
Izzy Hands, First Mate, is in his usual position - leaning, arms folded, against the wood-panelled wall, watching everyone through narrowed eyes. Despite their new, mostly legitimate trade, Izzy - leather doublet, black shirt, leather breeches, silvery hair and beard, sour expression - is still ninety per cent pirate. A map and a loaded vessel are bread and meat to him. But this time he's not on board. "This is the Leaden Sea, Edward."
Ed doesn't meet Izzy's eye. "Yup." He traces his finger over the map, his long hair falling over his face.
"Nobody goes to the Leaden Sea," says Izzy. He glances at Stede and Lucius, seeming to seek confirmation that he is not the only sane person in the room.
"What's the Leaden Sea?" says Lucius.
"Death," says Izzy
"An adventure," says Stede at the same moment.
"Silk," says Ed firmly. "Ours for the taking. Well, some of it. And an insurance payout we don't have to make."
"Ok," says Lucius. He approaches the ominously empty map. "So the ship's … here? And we're…?"
"Nowhere fucking near," says Izzy. He joins Lucius at the desk opposite the captains, and jabs a leather-gloved finger at the very edge of the map.
"…Thank you, and we go in, raid it and come back?" Lucius looks up and meet's Ed's dark gaze.
"More or less," says Ed.
"There is a complication," says Stede.
"Edward," says Izzy warningly
"This," says Ed, indicating an area with a few suggestive circles, "is a whirlpool."
"Nope," says Izzy, "no way. We're not risking the Revenge near a whirlpool." The ship, once renamed for the presumed-dead Lucius, is the Revenge once more.
Ed ignores him. "I know this area a bit. It's navigable."
"No." Izzy makes an exasperated noise and stalks away to stand glowering at the others.
"How do you know the Dutch ship is there?" says Lucius, keen to head off a battle between Izzy and Ed. Izzy was Ed's first mate before Ed joined with Stede, and he has strong opinions. Annoyingly for such a sullen, unyielding man, Izzy is often correct in these opinions. He and Lucius coexist through a careful dance of mutual avoidance.
"My insurance business," says Stede. "The owner paid me to insure his ship. When it didn't arrive, he got in touch with our offices."
This sounds rather grand. Stede's offices are a former ballroom, now coffee house, in Bridgetown, Barbados. He wines and dines wealthy merchants and insures their ships against damage and piracy. As a side hustle, he and Ed occasionally raid the ships. As a side-side hustle, Stede employs a band of bounty hunters (Lucius) to 'retrieve' some of the stolen goods and sell them back to their original owner.
It's a nice little business model, but lately Ed and Stede have focused on legitimate trade. Silk is their thing. It's much less stressful, and makes as much money as piracy, so long as nobody realizes that the respectable Edward and Stede were-slash-are Blackbeard and the Gentleman Pirate.
"So the ship is lost? How does he know it's at this position?" Lucius turns to the ship's tight-packed bookshelves and finds Stede's journal of insured vessels and their planned routes. He hunts for the Dolphijn . "Oh." The proposed route is listed, and if you filled in the gap between the place where the ship was last in port, and the destination, it's there, in the Leaden Sea.
"It was always a dangerous shortcut," says Ed. "But you know these merchants. Always trying to shave a day off travel time."
"So you admit it's dangerous," says Izzy.
"We're going to get that vessel," says Ed, "bring them back to safe waters, skim off a little of their cargo-"
"-Just for fun, really," says Stede.
"Without dying," clarifies Lucius.
"Without dying," says Ed. "And send them on their way."
"It's madness," says Izzy. He glances at Lucius
"It's piracy," says Ed.
"And insurance," adds Stede.
"We'll let it be known that our insurance is the best security, and our silk ships will never succumb to a perilous journey." Ed pats the map possessively.
Stede beams at Ed, eyes aglow. "That's rather poetic."
"Thanks." Ed slips his hand into Stede's. "So. Izzy. Set our course. We'll be a week on the journey. Prepare the men and overhaul our ropes and chains."
"Yes, Edward."
"Lucius," says Stede. "Check provisions. At a week out and a week back to our current position, it might be twenty days before we actually make landfall again. We don't know what state the Dutch vessel may be in. Plan for rationing if necessary."
"Aye aye captain."
"Heroics and profit," says Stede. "Some of our favourite things! You know, I've never seen a whirlpool."
"Only dead people have," says Izzy darkly.
" Quite keen to not be dead," says Lucius. "Just so we're clear."
"I think this calls for a celebratory pot of tea," says Stede. "Lucius, "will you do the honours?" He smiles fondly at Ed, who nods and lifts Stede's hand to his lips.
"Go," says Ed. "We've got a lot to do. Oh - wait, Izzy. A word."
Lucius gives Stede an uneasy smile, picks up the ship's log again, and escapes.
