Oh...this is not good. "Help with what specifically? Because I'm probably not the right person to-"
"Seduction."
"Oh." He's definitely the right person. Damn.
"Show me," says Izzy with a weird, desperate intensity. "I want to know. How Bonnet captivates Edward so deeply."
"Look… Not to make assumptions about you, but- You, me…?"
"Ha."
"… and you hate everything about me. Am I really the right choice for this task?" Lucius tries to look as incompetent as possible, but what even would that look like?
"Yes." Izzy stands firm, arms folded.
"It would be quicker to ask Stede. Or Ed."
"No. You."
"I see we're down to monosyllables. Right."
Izzy ignores this. "Deal or not?"
There has to be a way out of this. Think! "What's in it for me?"
"I don't rip your fucking throat out." Izzy inspects his gloved sword hand in a casual, yet significant way.
Lucius huffs. "Not quite as tempting as you'd think. Showing a rage-filled first mate the gentle art of seduction is not how I prefer to spend my free time. I want payment." No way will Izzy give out cold hard cash for this.
"Fine."
Oh god he's agreed. Lucius was so sure.
"How much."
"Not money," Lucius says. "That shirt." He points at the midnight blue silk hanging on the hook on the wall.
"Take it."
"No. I want to see you in it." Where did that idea even come from? Desperation. A wild hope that this would put Izzy off once and for all.
Izzy glances at the shirts on the hook.
"The blue one," says Lucius nonchalantly. It's working. Any minute now, Izzy will stamp his foot and Lucius can escape up on deck and never think about this peculiar conversation ever again.
"Done," says Izzy.
"...Ok." Lucius is momentarily lost for a snarky comeback. He never thought Izzy would agree. Now what?
"But I want my money's worth." Izzy jerks his head at the shirt, then Lucius. "Every day, in here, at sundown. And don't piss me about. I want to know... How you do it."
Lucius is too scared to ask what.
Izzy fills him in anyway. "How you get so many people to fall into your arms. How you … charm them."
This is so far beyond weird now. Time to set some boundaries. Rigid ones. Oh god. "Listen," says Lucius. "Just so I'm clear. You want, end game... to .. "He cannot bring himself to say seduce, not to Izzy. "You want to win round Ed. You want him to be ... under your influence."
Izzy just looks at him.
"Are you sure? I mean I know you ... Like him. Admire him. We all do."
"I want out of this stupid, pathetic way of running a ship. I want to be able to talk Ed out of insane decisions like the fucking whirlpool. You can change Stede's mind, can't you?"
"I don't want to seduce Stede," says Lucius firmly.
"If you say so. But if you did, you could, right?"
"I suppose. Yes." Wine, flowers, a long discussion on the merits of this or that choice of coat... Nah. There was more than frippery to Stede, which was why Lucius had never even tried. But in principle. "Yes."
"Then that's what you show me," says Izzy.
Awkward pause.
Lucius steadies himself. "Right then. When do we start?" Please don't say now please don't say now.
"Tomorrow. Sundown."
Oh thank god. Lucius draws breath again. "All right, well, as a bit of homework, let's think about…" He scrabbles around his brain. "Pet names. Ed and Stede have bird names. What names would we have? Think up some good ones. Pet names are a fantastic way to reinforce intimacy. -Ok?"
Izzy curls his lip.
"Great then. Right, must go and look at a hold full of worm-ridden biscuits. See you later."
Izzy bars his exit, his arm across Lucius' chest. "Not a word," he breathes. "Not one word to anyone."
"Are you mad? My onboard reputation is at stake here. I promise you I have no desire to tell anyone I'm practising wooing with you."
"Likewise." Izzy steps aside. "Tomorrow, then."
"Bye." Lucius dodges past Izzy and half-runs to the stairs.
On deck, he flings himself onto a heap of sacking and groans.
"You ok babe?" says Pete. Pete is Lucius' ex, but babe has stuck, and why not.
"Fine babe. Just knackered." Great, another thing Lucius is forbidden to talk to the crew about, like details of their whirlpool mission, and who gets the freshest biscuits. Now add, Love lessons for Izzy Hands, to the list.
"You want a relaxing massage?"
"No, thanks. I've got to do the food inventory." Lucius climbs to his feet. "Listen, Izzy will reappear in a minute and probably want all this rope stashed away. He's in a really weird mood, just to warn you all."
Frenchie shakes his head. "That man. Someone needs to show him how to relax."
"Mnn," says Lucius.
In the hold, he measures and weighs and records, and cannot for the life of him work out what Izzy Hands is up to, or why on earth he, Lucius, has agreed to it.
