Chapter 5
Bella
I was awake for sometime but I stayed put under the covers. There was nothing to get up to. There was absolutely no reason to even open my eyes for. Yesterday's morning had been so different; I had had to urgently wake up after a nearly sleepless night. Hectic, stressful and tiring, but I would take it all back.
What had happened yesterday had haunted me in my dreams. I recalled every bit of it in slow motion in my sleep… Serena, Harry, Jacob, Sue, Dad, and Leah, had all visited my dreams, each with the memory of his/her words, expressions, or cries.
Leah had been so harsh on me. It seemed like we were best friends enough for me to accept her way. I didn't recall a thing about that friendship but I had still taken her strong criticism with relief. Some weird part of me had been eager to be scolded.
Before my lame suicide attempt, Charlie had been devastated I had met Edward like that. He had lectured me about responsibilities and loyalty. His words – though basic and expected – had shaken me so hard.
All those events, but nothing had affected me like the emptiness I had felt when Jacob walked away with the children, my children. I had suddenly felt vague, like I was nothing, like I wanted nothing more out of this life. Suddenly my past, present and future had been neutralized, with no taste. I had felt numb for a moment before I realized the truth I had been resisting since I woke up that day.
I had truly and radically changed and it was too late to consider my recent grownup needs.
It didn't take me long to discover I was the most terrible mother ever, intentionally deciding to leave my children's side. It was even worse the guilt got to me only after they had left my life, for good.
Guilt haunted me like a monster until it was so much to bear, and that's when I ran to the kitchen, held the knife and started cutting myself… I was getting dizzy; Sue Screamed and Charlie rushed to me.
Leah had changed 180 degrees after I promised to seek therapy. She had said she would try to fix things. She gave me some hope, though from the memory of Jacob's painful anger, I really had doubted it.
I was still in bed, pretending to myself that I was still asleep, when I heard a knock. It was weird, because Charlie and Sue found no problem invading my privacy several times during the night to check on me. I thought my sick mind was imagining things because I also heard a sound that may be Harry's.
I closed my eyes more, like I was trying to force the imagination away, but the knock was heard again, louder this time.
"Who is it?" I said, still with my eyes closed.
"It's us," said Jacob "Harry is about to be hungry, and I don't want to wait till he cries"
I jumped out of bed with euphoria. Was this a trick? Or Leah did really do some magic?
Jacob let himself in. He was holding Harry in his arms.
"Good morning" He said with no expression.
His eyes stared at my wrist where the wound was wrapped.
"Don't ever do this again, please," he said with care, and I felt my heart sinking to my stomach.
I didn't know what to say. I wanted to tell him sorry, but I longed for my son. He handed me Harry and hurried outside the room.
Harry had fed faster and more than he usually did. It appeared like my son was starved without me. I felt bad for my baby; maybe that's why Jacob brought him here after all. Fear filled me when I thought that Jacob's presence here may be nothing more than a visit with a purpose, and that he would take Harry away again.
I was so overwhelmed with contradicting feelings. Leah had mentioned something about post labor depression, she said her workmate had it too and she had used to get suicidal thoughts. She said considering the circumstances, I was the best host for such depression.
I stared at my baby's eyes for a long time; he was gazing into mine too. I stroked his soft cheeks and told him the words that I had wanted to tell his father but couldn't:
'I am sorry'
Harry slept contently in my arms and I then placed him in the crib. Maybe if I put him to sleep Jacob would leave him for longer. I smelled eggs cooking and I wondered if Sue was preparing breakfast for Jacob.
I went down the stairs slow with fear. I was so scared to meet Jacob. I looked around for Sue, but she wasn't around. Jacob was the one cooking omelets. He was obviously preparing two plates.
On the kitchen counter, there was a mug of coffee. He was drinking his as he was waiting for the eggs to get cooked. I smelled coffee and got nauseated with the memories of me trying to drink coffee during the past couple of weeks; since the labor, coffee tasted weirdly bad, and I had wondered if I lost my appetite for it.
'Your coffee' he said, and pointed at the mug.
'Black?" I asked.
He raised an eyebrow, and then gave an understanding look, then said
"Yes, you drink it black now"
"Umm" I was about to tell him I didn't like coffee anymore, but I wanted to be grateful for his generous gesture. I had willingly brought another man in our life and he was cooking me breakfast.
I took the mug and sipped and there it was. Like how everything started to feel in place since Jacob walked into my room a few minutes before, the coffee tasted great.
Jacob prepared everything; he wouldn't even let me help in preparing the table. In the end we were both sitting on the breakfast table. The omelets were so good.
"Those are good, Jake" I remembered his anger yesterday and added "ob".
He smiled
'Those are your favorite" He said.
I didn't know what to say.
"Where's everybody?" I asked.
"Charlie's at work, Sue went to run some errands, She thought we need to have a private talk"
"You don't have work today?"
"I had a bad night, so I called Lizzie to take over today"
Who the hell was Lizzie? I wondered silently.
"Serena?"
"At school"
I nodded.
It felt strange and uncomfortable to have barriers with Jacob. I missed him so much so I gathered my courage to say the words
"Jacob, I'm so sorry" I sighed then completed "I was horrible, I am horrible, I was an awful friend, a terrible wife and a heartless mother"
My tears have betrayed me again though I tried so hard to hold them. Jacob was staring at me but he didn't utter a single word.
"I don't know if you will ever be able to forgive me, but if you would let me explain, maybe you will.
I don't know why I rushed into talking to Edward that fast. I guess it was too much to deal with, so I tried to ignore everything and deal as the teenager I'm familiar with. It was stupid, and when I think it over now, I believe I will never leave the children-"
"Bella-" He interrupted me "I'm sorry too"
Jacob was making no sense. I shook my head disagreeing. He absolutely did nothing wrong.
"Jacob what you did was natural, anyone would have done the same, I don't blame you for walking out with the kids, I know-"
"Not for that" Jacob looked nervous, he reminded me of that day when I woke up from the stairs' injury.
I put my hand over his on the table and rubbed it.
"Bella, listen, you have to know what had happened, back then when you lost your memory, would you listen and try to forgive me?"
I nodded; his seriousness frightened me.
"After the fight, we had to tell Charlie everything, it wasn't natural how bad you were injured, and how fast I healed. My dad decided to come clear with his best friend and tell him everything. I supported my father's decision but it was against Sam's will then, and it was the moment I had to take over.
Charlie became in a terrible state when he knew the whole story, he was angry with Dad of course but nothing compared to his anger towards the Cullens. He could then understand the discomfort he had always felt being near any of them."
I was silent anticipating more.
"Charlie banned him from visiting you in the hospital for a long time. When you started to wake up, I was the one by your side. When you asked questions about what had happened, I was the one to tell you. I nearly told you everything, but I set myself in your life the way I had always wanted it to be."
His eyes were on the floor; he couldn't look at me.
"Carlisle convinced Charlie at last, that Edward had the right, being legally your husband then, to visit you. I kept pushing that visit for as long as I could, I wanted to make sure you would perceive him the way I wanted you to. "
The whole story was becoming much more complicated and I couldn't help but sob.
Jacob went on. He was determined to finish the story.
"You remembered me from when we were kids, so you trusted me. You were so lost. Billy and Leah tried so hard to convince me to pull away and let you choose without interference, But damn my stubbornness; I would reply to their accusations saying my intensions were only to save you, but deep inside I knew there was always a part inside of me that longed to have you by my side.
You met Edward at last, and he tried to get back to you. It was nearly impossible with your mindset then, and you demanded divorce"
I was shaking with crying so hard, my hand still on his.
"Bella, I felt guilty when you at last became mine, and I felt like I took your choice away from you. Honestly I'm sure I would have been nobler if he wasn't a bloodsucker, I really never wanted you to live like the dead. But the truth will always be; I did manipulate you like he did and I abuses your weakness."
I was sure manipulating was such a big word, but didn't interrupt him. He looked like her needed to finish.
At last and before we had our first sex, I hinted all that indirectly, but you told me it was nonsense since you were sure you wouldn't love anyone but me. Leah was right, I deluded myself in believing that"
"Jacob, I-"
"Shhh-" he went on, placing his figure on my lips. "Don't say anything now. I have been avoiding this talk since you woke up with your old memory. I was guilty and scared to lose you. I guess it was easier to walk away"
"Jacob, if I'm so truthful to myself, I don't want you to walk away, let's start ove-"
"No Bella, I won't do that mistake again" He said "I am too old now to delude myself, you want to start over because of the children, I made it appear like it's either me or no children, not sure if it was intentional"
Jacob was vibrating hard. I rubbed his shoulder and the back of his neck. He closed his eyes like I was causing relief. It felt familiar to soothe him.
He opened his eyes, started strongly at me, then asked me.
"Bella honestly, tell me, what exactly do you want now?"
I shrugged, he asked me the hardest question ever.
Whatever mistake Jacob had done in the past I don't remember, didn't actually change much in the conclusion I had reached yesterday… I won't live without my kids.
Harry woke up and cried, He saved me from answering. I went up and brought him back down; I missed holding him in my arms. As I came down, Jacob was by the door.
"Do you mind if we take him for a walk in the stroller, I need fresh air" he said.
I said it would be great, I started to feel dizzy myself.
We placed Harry in his stroller and covered him.
As we started the walk, Jacob asked his question again.
"Bella, I wanted to know how you were feeling since you woke up, I wanted to support you as a friend before anything else. I knew you were confused and scared and I chose to ran away, being the coward I am, but here I am confessing it all, so please share everything with me"
"Jacob" I swallowed, thought for a second, then decided to be straight forward "when I woke up, Edward was the thing I thought most of. The last I could remember was how I felt towards him. It took me time to grow up and understand there are other things to love and live for. The way Serena reacted to the vampire smell added another perspective; will I scare my daughter that way?
Right now, nothing is more precious than seeing Harry growing healthily. Away from everything, Jacob, we do have amazing kids"
I started to feel cold, so Jacob asked me if I want him to wrap his arm around me to make me warm and I begged him to. We walked silently for sometime. I discovered now that Jacob was as guilty as I was, and that we both have wronged each other in different ways.
Though what we were saying was so messed up, but it felt much more comfortable to open up to him and talk freely.
"Bella, I have a suggestion, that I believe is fair enough for all parties"
"Yes, Jacob?"
"I agree to give you those six months you requested yesterday. You need proper time to decide what you want. I won't take that from you ever again. I know there will always be the kids, but if you decided to go the other way" he paused as if the thought was painful "I promise we can figure things out with the kids"
"Jacob, I don'-"
"Wait Bella, it's too soon now for you to decide. Leah said you will be taking therapy and that would help. Take your time; let the overwhelming feelings rest. I don't want to influence you choices, I can't take that again on my conscious.
At the same time, I can't be welcoming to his presence in my or the kid's lives for now. So I came up with that set-up"
I pulled away and looked at him, his eyes contained a lot of hurt and I hated that.
"Jacob, I won't hurt you like that again. Tell me what you are thinking of."
"I was thinking you move back home, it's time you get a glimpse of the life you don't remember, and don't worry, I'll be sleeping in the kid's room.
During that time, and regarding the love you still feel with him, I want you to prepare occasional meetings with the Cullens, be around them, and try to evaluate both lives. Be it six months or a year or more, take your time to decide, and I will do my best to support you either ways"
I was sobbing again, this time he wiped my tears with a hand, rubbing my arm with the other.
"What do you think?" he asked.
"I think that I don't deserve you!"
He laughed, then added seriously "Also, because I have a limit to being cool!"
"What?" I asked.
"No meetings with the leech alone, I agree you spend time around them all as a family, but his hands on you before you announce your decision, and I will literally kill him"
I put my hand on his cheek, trying to make him relax "I promise I won't ever do that, Jacob"
"One last thing" He said
"Yes"
"Please call me, Jake"
