Chapter 8
She was trembling once again in front of me. How could I be that careless? How did I miss that?
When I came back home, she ran to me, I lifted her up to hug her. The moment she wrinkled her nose, I knew what the problem was. Serena started crying 'the evil smell' and she pulled herself out of my embrace. I figured out my mistake quickly: the scarf.
I had taken the shower at my father's house as usual and changed my clothes, but damn my ignorance I had forgotten the damn scarf in my truck. On the way back home I had felt the cold breeze of the night, so I had wrapped myself with it. As I had reached home I noticed it so I took it off and left it in the truck thinking that would be enough. Seems like the smell had already stuck to me.
"Mommy has evil smell, " She cried to Jacob who looked at me with disgust. He was already carrying our four months Harry, so I took hold of him in order to give Jacob the space to deal with freaking out Serena. Harry screamed in my arms and Jacob carried her out of the house.
I tried everything with Harry to stop his crying. He wouldn't even take my breast. I was sure now Harry was similarly annoyed with the smell. I tried to put a towel between us, to separate him from the smell, it would work for seconds but then he would start to scream again.
Leah came in less than ten minutes; she had left me at Charlie's to shower. I think Jacob called her back. And from the way she looked I knew he ordered her. She was angry.
She came in stumping with irritation. She grabbed Harry from my hands saying she will take him to Rachel's place where Jacob was. She then ordered me to change, confirming she would come back to collect my clothes.
Leah was the one responsible for cleaning my clothes after my dinners with the Cullens. It had been her idea; especially she was capable of making sure the smell was completely gone. She was the perfect best friend, she did everything she could for me and I appreciated that a lot.
I rushed into the shower. I was remembering the events of the day with tears. Damn Edward for giving me that forceful hug. I terrified my own daughter, Jacob was so upset with me, and Leah was the most disappointed, since she was the one who witnessed everything.
They were all wondering why I hadn't stopped my dinners with the Cullens yet. Jacob had said it with his eyes. Leah had mouthed it clearly today with cursing words. I hurt everyday thinking of them, not knowing how to explain. Truth is: my decision had been made, weeks before.
No one but my therapist understood. At first she had agreed with me; I should be able to decide whether or not I wanted Jacob, away from the kids, so that I never feel regrets later. This has been taken care of after my first two/three visits to the vampires.
Then there was the main problem… Guilt.
Chloe had been the one to highlight the problem to me. She had noticed all my crying fits were triggered by guilt. Whenever I would feel content with my current life or get more comfortable with Jacob, I would feel massive guilt towards Edward.
The way I had known Edward's love to me was permanent. How I had left before and was about to leave now. All those thoughts were killing me. Yes, at last I could confess, my interaction with Edward those last weeks was never comfortable, but he would continuously guilt me into visiting more.
Chloe made me see how he had been actually using this guilt. Her theory was: he probably was stressing on his misery, in order to unintentionally push me to stay as much as possible. Chloe thought he was just a weak human, but I knew how strong and planned Edward could be. The more I analyzed her words the more I saw his attitude only as manipulative.
During my previous session with Chloe, we had agreed that today would be my last visit to Edward's family. She had encouraged me, now that I was ready, to get over this guilt, so that I start living.
Accordingly, earlier today I had asked Edward to walk alone with me. I had planned on telling him the news, but he had sensed it. The moment I had started talking seriously, he had distracted me by talking about going back to the Volturi. I panicked with guilt and begged him not to do that and advised him to try to find love elsewhere with someone in equivalent circumstances. He freaked out as I talked, then he suddenly pulled in a strong hug and begged me to visit only once more.
My decision had been final in my head, but his desperate begs waved my plan… One more time wouldn't hurt.
Leah had been around as usual and she had heard everything, she probably had been sending signals to Jacob all the time, that's why he had been annoyed, when I had arrived. Things got even worse when Serena smelled vampire on me.
I finished my shower, got dressed and went downstairs. I found Leah waiting for me.
She was still pissed off.
"Where is Jacob?" I asked.
"He's sleeping over at Rachel's, he thinks it's better if Serena sleeps over it. Are you OK?" She asked.
I nodded "Yeah, in a way"
I didn't want to spend the night alone so I asked her to sleep over. That was what Jacob had ordered her to do. He wasn't comfortable with Edward's reaction and he thought it's not safe to leave me alone.
It was nice to have some girls' talk with Leah, she told me more about her life. For the first time since Harry's delivery she opened up to me. I asked her about her feelings now, and she said she'd been calmer since Sam moved abroad with his family. She was preparing her masters and she tried dating a few guys but nothing clicked.
We woke up early. Leah had to leave for her lectures. And I decided to prepare her a nice breakfast as a small thank you for all her support.
As we were preparing our coffee, someone knocked the door. I was surprised, Jacob was supposed to drop Harry before going to work but he would just come in.
I opened the door to meet a woman around our age that I didn't recall seeing. She had red-golden hair, fair skin and some golden freckles on her cheeks.
"Hi, Bella" She said with a smile, letting herself in.
"Yes?" I said confused.
"Hi Lizzie" Leah shouted from the kitchen and I knew she had just saved me from a huge embarrassment.
I looked at Lizzie again; she was overly dressed up for an employee at Jacob's shop.
"I'm sorry for that, Bella. But Jake called and asked if I can pass and grab him an outfit for work, he said the kids have ruined his clothes, he mentioned he would text you"
He may have texted, I had left my phone on the nightstand, but that wasn't what I was thinking about. My mind was concerned with why was Jacob asking a stranger for such a personal favor and how dare him tell her he was sleeping out.
"Bella, did you hear me dear?"
'Yes, I heard your annoying voice bitch' was what I wanted to say but I nodded and went upstairs instead.
I came back down with the outfit in a backpack. I handed it over to Lizzie. Leah was chatting with her. She looked at the backpack and then she did the only thing I would have never expected; she opened it and checked what was inside.
"Oh that green shirt, I don't think Jake likes it," she said.
I was fuming, Leah for sure noticed
"Lizzie, I think it would do, now please go, you shouldn't be late," Leah said.
As the door was closed, I stormed upstairs to my phone. I called Jacob, and as soon as he picked up, I started screaming
"What exactly is the bitch's job, Jacob?"
"Hey, hey, calm down, what happened?"
"Don't act innocent, are you teasing me with her or what?"
"Bella, calm down, what do you mean?"
I told Jacob about what had happened, and how she had looked into his clothes and checked what his wife had put for him, and commented.
"Oh Bells, sorry, Serena threw up on my clothes, and I needed clothes. Lizzie lives close to our house and Rachel's house is on her way to work so I thought it would be easier-"
"Yes, Jacob but you know I don't like her" Suddenly it was so clear in my head: us fighting many times over Lizzie, how she had shown her care about him, how he had always treated her nicely, how he had justified his attitude as just being a gentleman and how he had always confirmed I was the only woman he could see.
Jacob was chuckling in the phone.
"What are you laughing at?" I asked
"I can't believe you forgot everything and remembered not liking Lizzie!"
"Asshole" I said
"Ha-ha, I missed this Bella, you know what, I'll skip work today, I'll drop Serena to school and then, let me take you out, wanna go to the beach like the good old days?"
Jacob arrived in hour. I prepared everything, lunch, and the diaper bag. I was so excited. We went to the beach close to Billy's house, the same one we had spent hours at when we were young.
We sat on the beach. The weather was amazing and calm. I held Harry in my hands, he was much better today and he was so happy to be breastfed again. My son was growing amazingly. He mainly had Jacob's features, except for the eyes. I mentioned this to Jacob.
"That's a good thing" he said, " At least one of them got those chocolate brown eyes" he stared at my eyes and I was melting.
"You know" he added hesitantly "My worst fears about you changing to.. to one of them is.. Losing those eyes"
"Oh Jake I'm sorry" That's all I could say about all the hurt I'd caused him.
I wasn't crying now like what I would have done weeks earlier. I was getting stronger, slowly but surely I was improving.
"Bella, Leah told me what happened yesterday" he said, are you ready to talk about it.
"Yes, Jake" I could see the hurt in his eyes so I added "I'm sorry"
"Stop saying you're sorry… At first I understood that you were weak and confused, but now..." He sighed, "Bella, every time I sense my strong kicking ass wife is back, she disappears under weakness, and I don't know what to do."
"Jacob, I made my decision, it's you" I said surely
"I know" he said "I know you more than you do, but I can't take seeing you that weak. Bells, Leah told me everything, Why did you agree to his requests, why couldn't you tell him no?"
I moved closer to him, but I couldn't reply
"Tell me Bella, do you still want hi-?"
That's it, I wanted to do this a very long time ago, but I had been shy. I kissed Jacob in a way I didn't know I was capable of. At first he was shocked, but then he kissed me back hungrily.
The kiss I remembered with Jacob was warm and sweet, but this was totally different. The way his tongue penetrated my mouth and his hands moved on my neck and back felt amazing. I surely craved more and he went on, kissing all my face. I put my hands in his silky hair; it was all too much yet too familiar.
Unfortunately, he slowed down, gave me a small kiss on my chin, and then held back.
"Wow" he said, stroking my cheek "I missed you".
"I missed you too Jake" I said then I started kissing his neck and said 'let's keep going" between my kisses.
"No Bella" He pulled back "Not now, I promised I won't do that till you decide"
"Jacob, I decided!"
"Bells, I mean a final decision, I can't take you while you aren't able to tell him you don't want him."
I promised Jacob to tell Edward my final goodbyes next week, I told him everything. How I discovered that Edward was manipulating me in many ways and how I feel weird around him.
We picked Serena from school on our way back. She was over last night. I was so afraid she would still be scared of me, but she was completely herself and that filled me with joy.
That night everything changed, Jacob decided to move to our room. He still wouldn't do any more than sleeping beside me, but his arm wrapped around me gave me so much power.
Now and only now I felt like I was living my life.
