Chapter 9
Contractions were calmer. Jacob hadn't left my side in hours. We had been in the hospital now for more than seven hours now. I had been six centimeters dilated two hours ago, and it had stopped since then.
Water-break is usually a major sign for labor, but not for me. I had come that day for a regular check up, when Rachel had informed me that I had been more than three centimeters dilated. She had then advised me to go have a large meal, have a walk then come back. I had practically been in labor since then.
I had done what she advised then came back. I was immediately admitted in the medical center since I was four centimeters dilated and it had been progressing fine except for the last couple of hours. My water was not breaking and that slowed down the process. Rachel decided to break my water artificially to start it up. So far the pain had been bearable and Jake kept repeating how proud he was of me.
Once my water broke, I was dilating fast again. Contractions became more frequent and the pain was intensified. I had decided previously to bear it all, I had been so scared of the epidural, after reading about its side effects. Jacob thought I was being crazy so we agreed I'd give it a shot without it then see how things go. That was idiotic because by the time the pain was intolerable, it was to late.
The pushing phase didn't take long. Jacob and I have been to a childbirth class together so we kind of knew what to expect, but no matter how much you listen or study nothing was like the real thing. I was definitely screaming now and Jacob was panicking while Rachel assured us it would be all right very soon.
"Last one, I promise, Push now Bella" said Rachel in a demanding voice.
I did and every tension was released in a few moments, when my beautiful little baby cried announcing her entrance into our world. Rachel immediately placed her on my chest. I gathered my energy to hold her while Jacob placed his hand on us.
I woke up with confusion, I looked at the nightstand clock and it was 3:00 am. None of the kids were crying and Jacob was sound asleep beside me.
'What a dream' I told myself. I was disoriented because it didn't seem like a dream at all; everything was so clear and vivid. My mind kept waking up with more details about the dream including memories that didn't even happen in the dream. Were these real memories?
There was one way to know, and I sure couldn't wait till the morning, so I rubbed hard on Jacob's shoulder.
"Jake, Jake"
He mumbled undecipherable words.
"Jacob, please wake up its urgent"
He opened his eyes, and looked alarmed.
"What, are you alright?" he asked
"Yes Jake, don't worry we are all fine"
"Then, what is it Bella, Why are you waking me up now?"
"Jacob, I need to ask you something very important."
"What?" The annoyance on his face was obviously undeniable
"Who named Serena?" I excitedly asked
"What the hell Bells, are you seriously waking me up in the middle of the night to ask me this?"
"I'm not crazy Jacob, told you it's urgent I replied, a little upset with his reaction.
"You named her, Bells," he said with a smile
I was silent for a moment, collecting the memories in my head. Jake was staring at me, wondering if there was anything I would add.
"Don't laugh at me, but was I trying to mix our mothers' names or something? Like I wanted a name that would be Sarah and Rene put together?" I then quickly added, "That's so stupid, sorry Jake go back to slee-"
He stopped me by placing his fingers on my mouth.
"You remember that?" He said in disbelief
"The memory of her birth hit me in my sleep, and I wanted to know if it was all real"
"Oh Bella! That's amazing! What else you remembered"
We talked about my dream for an hour; apparently everything about the dream was real even Jacob's outfit when I gave birth to Serena. I remembered more as we talked. Jacob was so happy, happier than I had seen him in a very long time
"Remember when we hid Serena and made Paul believe he lost her," I said laughing
"Ha-ha yes, that asshole, look at him now he's such a good father"
"Jake" I said, with sudden seriousness.
"Yes Bella"
"Why did you stop calling me honey?"
His smile faded, he looked away then replied
"I always want to Bells, you don't know how many times I bit my tongue before saying it"
"Why Jake?"
"Because, I don't know the limits, the barriers, you know" he said hardly
He was still looking away, so I pulled his face towards me.
"Jacob, I love you."
He stared at me expressionless.
"I loved you then, I love you now, I had loved you when I was a teenager, I loved you when I had lost my memory and I loved you when I got it back and I love you now even more having remembered it all"
"Bella" he said huskily obviously holding up his tears.
"I'm so sorry for hurting you all that time, tell me how to make it right"
Jacob leaned closer to kiss me, the kids were both asleep so the chance was good. It was getting closer to morning time, but we just had to do this. I kissed him back trying to show him with every gesture how much I loved and appreciated him. It all ended when Jacob pulled away.
"Please, Jake, I want you" I begged trying to pull him closer.
"I want you too Bella" he was breathing heavily "more than anything, but something is not right. I promised myself I won't be like that with you except when your choice is final"
"It is final!" I said angrily
"No Bella, you promised him one last visit, you couldn't tell him your decision"
"Jake I told you, it's merely guilt!" My eyes were tearful now
"I don't care Bella, as long as you didn't utter your closure words, anything can change."
"You don't trust me, do you?"
"It's not about trust," He said in a harsh voice, he sighed when he saw tears falling from my eyes. He started to wipe them with his finger.
"Listen Bella, I am sorry this hurts you. I trust you; you are the mother of my children. But from day one, I knew he would manipulate you into wanting him, and he did actually make you change your plan. You were about to tell him your final goodbyes, when he played on guilt."
"How weak do you think I am?" I asked accusingly.
I pushed his hands away, wiped my tears myself and stood off the bed.
"Jake, I'm sorry you think I can be manipulated into changing my mind. Jacob I took all that time to be sure what I want, and when I tell you it's you, I am sure it is"
I said those words and walked away
"Where are you going?" Jacob asked trying to pull my arm, as I pushed him away
"I'm sleeping with Serena, I don't deserve your bed if you don't trust me, please let me leave, I need time"
I walked through the door, then remembered something, so I came back to bring my mobile phone. Jacob was watching me in silent fear.
Instead of going to the other room, I went downstairs. I brought some milk and went to the living room not even caring to turn on the lights; the sun was about to rise anyway.
I couldn't resist the tears. I cried again. They weren't tears of confusion, anxiety or guilt, I was crying because I discovered that something incurable was broken between Jacob and I. I thought I could make it up to him but I was so scared that I was too late.
I was so true with my love declaration. I knew now that I have loved him all the way, but he was the one to discover that first. Jacob had known I loved him all the way, and he did all what he could to make me see that I loved him, and now that I could feel it, he was too hurt to forgive me.
I was angry with him; I told him in a blaming tone that he didn't trust me. I made it sound like it was his fault. Poor Jacob, he was probably so nervous now, and there was nothing that I could do to make him trust me back. Even when he believes me, he just can't trust that I won't be manipulated into changing my mind.
I hated to admit it, but Jacob was right in many ways. Now that I have a more clear memory for my past, I can see that I knew from the start something unnatural was pulling me away from Jake. To his credit, Edward had told me from the start "Everything about me invites you in".
No, I told myself. I won't be that weak again. I decided and I would now try to undo my mistakes.
I dialed the number.
"Bella" said Edward's voice, "What is it? Have the dog harmed you?"
"Edward, would you please respect my husband?" I said firmly.
"Do you want to visit today?" he asked in the most charming voice possible "Carlisle and Esme have been missing you"
I was seeing it clearly now, he was using my appreciation to his parents.
"Edward, I won't come" I spilled the words so fast not giving him the chance to interrupt. " The decision have been made, I love my husband and I love my children, so much really. And I know I was so mistaken to have given you hope but I really was lost and disoriented then"
"He's back to threatening you, using the children, huh?"
"No Edward, listen-"
"No Bella you listen, we can always reach a deal, I wont cut your kids out of your life."
"Edward you are making it harder on you and on me, there is absolutely no way we could reach a deal because my children just freak out from the smell of vampires, I wont do this to them ever again. But above all, it's not just about them, I love Jacob, I had loved him all the way"
Edward was silent
"Edward, remember after the battle, when Jake was injured, remember when you told me you've never seen me that upset separating from someone. You were right, I will never be able to leave him, I'm sorry"
After around a minute, Edward replied in a threatening voice.
"No" then he laughed "Not that easy, he had put a good fight and I won't just retreat"
Then he hung up.
My heart was pounding and my hands were trembling. I was very cold and I just wanted to feel the heat again. I knew what to do so I went back to my room. Jacob was totally asleep so he hadn't heard my call with Edward. I put myself beside him and he unconsciously hugged me right away. I knew Edward's tone should have frightened me but I was so relieved. I couldn't wait to tell Jacob what had happened. I only had one hour before Harry would cry for food, but I decided to sleep anyway.
Before I could rest, wolves were howling loudly. I shivered and Jacob woke up in panic. Before he could talk someone was knocking crazily on the door. Instinct ordered me to carry my son and go to Serena's room; I wanted both my kids in one place. Jacob went down to answer the door.
Soon enough I heard Jacob screaming my name.
I carried both kids and climbed the stairs down, it was Embry, and Jacob's face and body were red.
"What is it Jake?" I asked in fear.
"Have you contacted the leech?"
I remained silent.
"Have or have you not? answer me right now" He was screaming and both kids were crying.
"Yes" I finally answered.
"What the fuck Bella" He was boiling.
"What is it Jacob, don't scare me please" I was shivering.
I believe Embry pitied me so he answered instead.
"Two of the Cullens have crossed borders today, they aren't killed yet, they are just held in hostage. Thankfully Jacob always wanted two wolves awake so Quil and Collin smelled and caught them earlier, The Edward seemed to be up to no good"
"Oh my God" I managed to say. "Jacob I just called to tell h-"
But he didn't listen because he had run out of the door followed by Embry. They both phased as soon as they were out of the house.
