Disclaimer: I don't own DP.
Thanks to Invader Johnny, Zighana, Above the Winter Moonlight, GhostCore, Lilith Jae, solstar 16, Brunetta6, Turtledude83, Margot-Eve, Dareeen, Guest, Guest, starwater09, and Zone Robotnik for reviewing last time! Really appreciated your thoughts.
So I'm doing to do something very radical for this chapter. I hope you like it!
Shot 32 summary: Blooper reel and behind the scenes! There's never a dull moment at the filming studio, where Valerie and Dan co-star as enemies but act like…something else…?
Warning: This chapter is self-aware that Danny Phantom is a show. Since Fanfiction does not like references to real people, "Butch Hartman" is known as "Hart Butchman" here. Also, there's sort of an AU plot in here. Somewhere.
Deliverance
Shot 32: Intermission: Blooper Reel and Behind the Scenes
Behind the Scenes (Cameras 04 and 06)
Somewhere in the vast, post-industrial-swept lands of the United States was Hart Studios. Within the well-lit studio, one director paced madly. He fretted his way to an apocalyptic setting used for scenes beyond Amity Park, then fretted his way back to another set that showcased the inside of the resistance building.
"Where are they?" he mumbled, checking his watch and then his clipboard. "We were supposed to start shooting half an hour ago."
The director, Hart Butchman, finally pulled up his cell phone and dialed a familiar number. It rang twice, then a third time.
Eventually, a smooth, baritone voice answered. "Yes?"
"Dan!" Hart breathed in relief. "Where are you at? You said you'd be here at 5:00, and the sun's already rising."
"I'm terribly sorry," Dan said without any genuine sorrow. He seemed almost amused. "I am attempting to rouse Valerie from sleep. She acts oddly more dead than I do."
The director paused. "Wait, you're at her apartment?"
"No, she's at mine." The director heard the sound of a hum, and then Dan added, "One moment." The phone seemed to pull away. The sound of a swishing noise came through, as if blankets were ripped quickly off something.
For a second, nothing. And then, a high-pitched, feminine rasp of a shout cut through the line. "Oh my god, what the hell are you doing, you mother fuc—?!"
Another hum shook the speaker, as if Dan had activated his powers. The next thing the director knew, he was listening to the sound of a muffled Valerie attempting to yell through… a gag?
"We'll be there soon!" Dan said cheerfully, then hung up.
The director blinked at the phone, fully terrified by the people he had contracted to star in his show. Then he shook his head. "I don't want to know. I just…I don't want to know."
.
Twenty-minutes later, a disgruntled and sweatpants-clad Valerie stomped through the door. Her ringlet hair was in a wild frizz, her eyes narrowed. And behind her sauntered in the impeccably well-groomed Dan Masters, wearing black clothes and a light jacket slung across his shoulder, his hair flickering with an extra jaunt.
"I swear to god," Valerie muttered, on a warpath. She wiped her face again, still peeling off goo from her lips. "I'm gonna kill you for this. I'm never staying at your place again."
He rolled his eyes. "I tried to rouse you politely, and you did not respond. I did what was necessary to save your job description as my co-star."
"It's the principle of the thing!" Valerie snapped. "How dare you kidnap me out of my own freakin' bed."
"Actually, it was mine," he said dryly. "Including the blankets."
Valerie's eyes flashed, anxiously turning away. "Yeah, whatever." Her voice was a snarl. "I'm never staying over again. Not even for Disney reruns or ice cream binges."
Then Dan looked about, his blood-red eyes merry as they landed upon the startled director. A sick smile twisted his lips. "Well," he called, "it appears no psychological warmup will be necessary today."
Hart Butchman stared at the two, completely baffled by his two stars. "Uh, yes," he said weakly. "I see that."
Blooper Reel (Season 1)
The cameras followed Valerie as she limped hard, breathing unevenly. Bricks tumbled from the sides of a dilapidated building, and smoke billowed in the background. "I'm gonna take you out," she promised, raising her gun, "if it's the last thing I do."
Dan blurred toward her, leaning his elbow against the brick building background. "Valerie dear," he murmured elegantly, "if you wanted to take me on a date, you should have just asked."
She stopped and blinked. And then her face twisted. "…What?"
From beyond the stage set, the producer rolled his eyes. He called out, "Cut! Dan, stick with the script. Please."
Dan turned to the producer with great incredulity. "Whoever wrote Valerie's line walked into that response. Really." Then he turned to Valerie, who was still giving him a glare. "The writers are atrocious. It's like they want our characters to be sexually involved."
"Well, can you stick with the approved script with your real lines?"
"They're not any better," Dan warned. "Have you not read them? I'm supposed to turn to Valerie and tell her that I can think of other things for her to do. And then I leer at her." He sniffed. "There are ulterior agendas afoot."
And from behind the set, a few of the writers looked at each other, then back down. Sneaky, dark smiles stretched across their lips.
Behind the Scenes (Camera 02)
It was lunch time. Valerie bit her lip as she looked over the buffet spread on the table. "Hmm. Turkey or ham."
A dark blur appeared behind her, and Dan set his chin upon her shoulder, his flickering hair intertwining with her ringlet curls. "Depends. Which stomach illness do you want more?"
She allowed him to hang off of her as she stood there. "What do you mean, which stomach illness?" she muttered, leaning her head against his. "I don't wanna get sick at all."
"I am fairly certain these are the remains of our lunch yesterday," he told her, voice conspiratorial. "Do you not see the way the lettuce is still in the shape of Alaska?"
Valerie blinked at that, then her nose scrunched. "Oh my god, you're right." An uneasy look tightened her face. She set down her paper plate. "This all set out for hours yesterday."
"We could go get something in town," he suggested. "The drive through at the coffee shop, with those blueberry scones…"
She bit her lip. "Not in the mood for brunch," she muttered tiredly.
The ghost hummed a bit as he thought. Then a new idea hit him. "We have not yet tried that Indian restaurant on the main street."
"…We're in full costume, idiot."
He smiled at that, fangs glinting. "I know."
Behind the Scenes (Camera 06)
"So," Paulina said to Valerie. They were both standing off to the side of a resistance building set, several artists retouching their makeup and hair. "You and Dan have been best friends since, like, forever?"
"Basically," Valerie deadpanned, trying not to twitch away from the backstage help pulling her hair into a ponytail.
Paulina's eyes slid to the hard-muscled ghost read his script in the distance. "And, uh, you wouldn't care if I asked him out for a drink sometime?"
The dark-skinned woman blinked. And then she rolled her eyes. "Why are you asking me?"
"Because!" Paulina whispered. "You guys are always, like, hanging off each other. I kept thinking you're probably a thing."
"We're not a thing," Valerie retorted.
"Does he like human women that way?" Paulina whispered curiously. "I mean, I've never tried to date a ghost before. Is he like a normal guy?"
Valerie deadpanned, "He can be an arrogant bastard with a god-complex. There's a reason he makes a good villain."
"How many relationships has he had?"
"A couple? They don't usually last."
"You ever seen him naked?"
Valerie's face twisted, and she hesitated. "…Why do you want to know?"
"He's got all the parts like a normal guy, right?" Paulina pressed in deep interest. "Like, I'm looking at that spandex, so I think he does, but I just want to make sure he's not hiding something weird, you know? I don't know what ghosts can do."
"Oh my god," the woman muttered under her breath, eyeing the supporting actress whom she had to pretend was her best friend in the next scene. Valerie was convinced that the director had type-casted them all. Paulina in real life was as shallow as she was in the show. "He's a guy, Paulina. Being a ghost doesn't change that."
"Oh good," Paulina said in relief. She was looking at Dan again, and a sneaky smile stretched her lips. "Cause I'd kinda like more than just a drink with him."
Valerie clenched her fist in irritation, feeling a bit protective. "Well. That's…great."
Blooper Reel (Season 1)
"Valerie dear," Dan Phantom crooned at her from a distance, voice echoing dangerously. Cameras circled around them. "You haven't learned your lesson." He opened his fist, and from his fingers glowed a bright, green energy. "Must I teach you again?"
Valerie stood in her battle suit, her body stiff with anger. "The only one here teaching lessons is me," she snarled, activating her arm cannon. In a split second, she'd leveled the weapon at him and pulled the trigger.
The backstage help activated the charges attached to the bottom of a brick wall behind Dan. Boom. A fiery explosion lit, the bricks began to crumble, and black smoke puffed out.
According to the script, Dan was supposed to have gone intangible and laughed.
Valerie waited, eyes curiously peering through the black smoke. One second passed. Then two.
As the controlled debris cleared, she spotted a dark figure huddled in the smoke. A somewhat burned Dan stood up, desperately attempting to unravel himself from his cloak. "Hold on," he called out, voice strangled. The cloak had managed to swirl up over his head. His gloved fingers pawed at it desperately until he managed to untangle himself, revealing his soot-smeared face and disheveled hair.
Valerie bit her lip, but then she began to crack a smile.
The director sighed. "Cut! Dan, you know maybe we should lose the cloak for this."
He looked at the director in horror. "Blasphemy," he admonished. "What is an evil villain without a cloak?"
Valerie said, lowering her weapon and relaxing out of her character, "Graceful, for starters."
His face-faulted, and his red eyes sparked orange. "I should like to see you navigate the wayward flutterings of such cloth."
"Oh yeah?" Valerie challenged, crossing her arms. Her eyes carried an awful glint. "Didn't you make that cloak out of your own power?"
For a time, the ghost raised his nose and sniffed, as if the question were beneath him. Then he said simply, "It does not always respond the way I want."
Behind the Scenes (Camera 07)
Valerie grabbed onto his cloak and wrapped it around her for warmth. For a time, she looked almost content. And then something uneasy crossed her face. "Why do I feel like your cloak is feeling me up?"
Dan's lips stretched lazily. "Because it is."
She gaped at him for a time in disbelief. And then she felt it again, the cloth tightening around her body, and she recoiled hard, throwing it back at him. "Oh my god," she hissed. "What the hell?"
"You're the one who took it from me," he pointed it out, gathering the heavy cloth off the floor.
She gave him a hard look. "You said it wasn't alive!"
"I'm not alive," Dan clarified. And then a disapproving look came over him. "Really, Valerie. You should ask me before you borrow my power-infused clothing. This particular cloth contours to body lines for a more shaped silhouette." He raised a brow.
"Did the studio make you create this thing?" Her face twisted. "Or did you make it for yourself?"
"Fan service," he admitted. "Apparently, my body is a point of interest for many watchers." His face turned. "And Paulina."
She blinked, then pointed her finger. "You might want to keep that away from her."
He reattached his cloak, and it sunk tight against his jumpsuit to accent his broad shoulders. "Not a bad idea," he agreed, face almost uneasy. Paulina had not yet understood that he was uninterested in her.
"And you're buying me dinner for not warning me first."
Dan shrugged, a flicker of an old smirk shadowing his face. "A small price to pay for your misery."
"Oh," she poked his chest with an evil glint in her eye, "not where we're going, buddy."
Behind the Scenes (Camera 02)
Dan huffed in irritation as he walked into the reading room. "I swear, this script is incomplete," he declared, listlessly turning pages in the booklet. "Where's the obligatory sex scene?"
"Page 18," Valerie said, not looking up from her own script.
He paused for a second, turning to that page and reading over the lines. And then some kind of disgust overcame him. "Wait…No. You and Kwan?" he muttered incredulously.
She sighed, looking at him from the corner of her eye. "Welcome to my world."
Dan's face twisted in disgust. "…You and Kwan? Why?"
Valerie slammed the script down. "Because apparently if I don't have a love interest, I'm not human or something," she spat. "Sex sells. This is crap. I didn't sign up for this shit when we auditioned."
Dan glanced down at the script, then sat down beside her at the table. "Yes, I suppose it's all violent adventure in the beginning, and then they hook you with a contract with increasingly sexual episodes and fan service." He sighed dramatically. "We should probably get used to it."
"Thanks a lot for the comfort," she said dryly.
"I'm just glad it's you and not me this time," he said, raising a brow.
She grumbled for a time, then returned to her script. After turning the pages, her eyes widened. "Oh, wait. There's a second one."
Dan leaned over her shoulder curiously to read. On page 32 was the following:
Cue Dan and Ember having sexual relations.
He face-faulted.
Behind the Scenes (Camera 03)
Rip. Dan's gasp of pain echoed off the walls. "Jesus Chri—agh!" Rip. "Ahh—my—!" Rip. "Holy—!"
A short while later, he walked from out of the waxing booth, wearing nothing but a towel as he limped forward. His bare chest and limbs were shining with the cooling oil they'd rubbed on him after waxing off his body hair. And he looked fully disgruntled.
He continued to walk toward Valerie in a daze of horror, his skin patchy with green from the trauma of being waxed. "What the hell," he breathed, eyeing her as if desperate for truth. "What's wrong with hair on my body—what's possibly so unattractive about it that they have to rip it out with hot wax?"
Valerie stared up at him from her magazine. "It's the fashion standard," she said dryly. "And most of your fans draw you without body hair, so…"
"That is not an excuse," he snapped, wincing as he sat down beside her and sunk into the cold, metal with a sigh. "We make the canon. They follow the canon. Canon should be that Dan Phantom has manly body hair." He leaned his head back and moaned. "It still stings; everything still stings!"
"Aww, you big baby," she said, turning to him. "This is what you get for conforming to the unrealistic expectations young girls around the world have about men."
His red eyes slid to her, and they narrowed. "And you don't do the same, miss bikini wax?"
"…Touché. But I don't cry about it."
He paused for a second. "…Does it hurt?"
"Like a mother," Valerie said.
They fell into silence for a time. And then Valerie reached over and began to stroke Dan's smooth, hard abs. She was almost in awe. "It's like petting a baby seal."
He swatted her hand away tiredly. "Stop."
And then only seconds later, she stroked his slick abs again. "No," she retorted, voice vindictive, "I'm just making sure they didn't miss a spot."
He moaned, fighting the temptation to shove Valerie off her chair. "Why do I even need to be waxed?" he complained. "My jumpsuit covers everything."
Valerie gave him a sympathetic look. "I have to shoot off part of your suit on page 13 of next week's script."
"Fan service?"
"Yep."
"Dammit."
Behind the Scenes (Camera 14)
Dan sat off to the side of the set, watching as the cameras shot a quick, teaser scene of Valerie and Kwan. It was all part of a season finale to raise viewer rates. Valerie looked a bit skittish, and Kwan himself had planted his hands nervously on her hips. They were in the infirmary set, with her backed against a cabinet.
"Valerie," Kwan said. "I think…I love you."
The director moaned at that. "Cut! Kwan, seriously. Lean in or something. And Valerie, you look like you're staring at Nathan. You two have no chemistry, it's awful."
Valerie pressed her hand against Kwan's chest and pushed him off. "You wanna do my job?" she called out to Hart. "Be my guest." She wiped her face of sweat from the heat of the lights, then groaned. "This is awful. No offense, Kwan."
"None taken," he said good-naturedly, looking every bit as uncomfortable as she was.
"Remind me again," Valerie said, her voice rough with strained irritation, "why the hell should my character be attracted to Kwan?"
"Look," the director called out in a panic, afraid to let his stars begin another squabble. "Valerie, you and Kwan have the most canon support. We've been building to this."
"…Not well enough," she muttered, glaring at him as well.
"Can we just try again?" Hart begged. "The sooner we get this filmed, the faster we can move on."
Valerie put a hand on her hips, pacing for a time, face in a flush. "To what?" she muttered. She knew she had already signed a contract and would have to do what the studio asked of her. Then she demanded, voice short, "…I'm gonna need a drink first. A really big, dry drink. Maybe two."
.
By the next take, Valerie was half-lit from a martini, the edges of her nerves soothed by alcohol. If she stared at Kwan long enough, she found herself thinking that he didn't look half bad.
So, she thought distantly. This is how all those movie stars get it on in front of a camera.
Kwan, who had also badgered the studio into a free drink, grabbed onto her hips with more confidence. "Valerie," he breathed, leaning her against the cabinet. The cameras circled around them, capturing a close-up of their faces. "I think I love you."
The woman stared back, somewhat hypnotized by the confession and the now-attractive man. The script said she needed to kiss him, which didn't seem like a bad idea anymore. Her alcohol-induced fog even made his touch on her hips kinda nice. And so her free hand reached up to Kwan's neck, her fingers slowly sinking into his fine, dark hair. She pulled him to her and planted a solid kiss upon his lips.
The cameras wove around them, the director looking fearful that it would end too soon. He silently waved the cameramen to move closer.
Kwan's hands ran lower on Valerie's body, now easily falling into the lie that he loved her. Their kiss deepened.
And as Dan watched intently from the side lines, he felt an unwelcome spark of jealousy. His fingers clenched so hard, it nearly split his gloves at the knuckles. Who was Kwan that he deserved to touch Valerie so? So intimately? And while she had willingly dulled her senses?
Albeit, it was just for the show, but still…Dan's frown deepened into a cold, grim glare.
Just then, Nathan walked by in his usual scientist coat. He caught site of Dan's tense shoulders and face. "Jealous?" he teased, still trying to get his hair to slick back in a somewhat geeky way.
"Shut up," Dan hissed. And then he quickly stood up from his chair and walked away, feeling odd, as if he'd been caught doing something wrong.
The human man chuckled, his green eyes sliding to the set with little interest. He caught up with Dan in a few quick strides. "You know, if you like her, you should do something about it."
Dan's face twitched. "I did not ask for your opinion."
Nathan rolled his eyes, used to Dan's moodiness. "Well, if you don't make a move, somebody else will."
At that, Dan's face darkened. "You would not dare."
The supporting character still struggled with his red hair. It was difficult trying to look so ugly. "Maybe I wouldn't, but I know a lot of guys who would."
At that, Dan inhaled sharply, his spark of jealousy now a flame. Then he gritted his teeth and smiled, his fangs shining sharply in the light. "I am just her friend. Stop baiting me."
Nathan looked unconvinced. "Right," he said. "And I'm really a nuclear scientist."
Behind the Scenes (Security Camera 03)
"Director," Dan announced, throwing yet another famous tantrum. "Director, I must speak with you."
Hart Butchman looked up from his laptop and stacks of papers, a bit suspicious. "What is it this time, Dan."
The ghost cast a small script onto the desk with disgusted abandonment. "This script for next week," he demanded. "It's entirely inaccurate. Whoever wrote this is obviously trolling my species, and as a ghost, I refuse to attach my name to its drivel."
"What's wrong with it?" the director asked hesitantly, grabbing onto the script. "It went through an editorial."
"Everyone knows there's no such thing as a Ghost Zone," Dan hissed, red eyes hot. "Humans and ghosts have always existed on various planes of earth's dimensions; why on earth would your writers suggest something as pointless as a Ghost Zone? Like we're a bunch of construction projects."
Hart sighed and said, "It's fiction. Alternate universes are hot with our watchers right now. I guarantee this isn't an attempt to debase your species."
"Oh, really?" Dan demanded. "Then why don't the humans live in the nightmare-inducing dimension too, huh?"
Just then, Valerie popped her head in, a sucker sticking out from her full lips. "Hey guys," she snapped impatiently. "We're getting ready for another shoot of scene 6. And it's kinda hard to do by myself."
Dan turned around. "This is far more important," he declared passionately. "I am saving Ectoplasmic Americans from the shame of stereotypical human attempts to wall us off."
Valerie blinked. "Like what?"
The ghost grabbed the script from Hart and began to read aloud. "It says, 'Cut scene to a full view of the alternate dimension where all ghosts reside, known as the Ghost Zone.'"
Valerie raised a brow. "Ghost Zone?" She crunched down on her sucker and chewed thoughtfully. Her voice was muffled. "The hell's the point with that? Sounds like a weird construction project."
The director hid his face and groaned.
Behind the Scenes (Camera 07)
"Hmm," Dan read his script, puzzled. "It says here I am supposed to harass you? Sexually?"
He eyed Valerie, who was sitting beside him and working to memorize her lines for the next scene. She was in full costume by now, her sleek battle armor glinting in the light. And then he nonchalantly reached out and touched her chest. "How does this work?" he muttered. "You're wearing metal armor."
Valerie's eyebrows flew up. "Uh, excuse me?"
"You're like a turtle," he knocked on the metal plating over her breasts. "You have a shell to protect your squishy insides."
She simply stared down at his rather thin jumpsuit. And then she reached out and planted her hand against his chest and squeezed. "And you don't." She smiled evilly. "So you better watch it."
Hart Butchman walked up, looking excessively disturbed at the two actors…feeling each other up? "…What is going on here?"
Dan lovingly groped Valerie's chest plate. "This is what happens when you get too comfortable with your enemies, Hart."
Behind the Scenes (Cameras 12 and 20)
One Wednesday afternoon, Valerie knocked on the men's bathroom door, eyebrows furrowed. "Hey, you okay in there?"
The sound of a few more retches echoed in a muffle, then the flush of a toilet. A few minutes more, and a feverish, pale-looking Dan appeared at the door. "I'm fine," he said roughly.
She pointed at him, voice flat. "You were just upchucking lunch. You are not okay. Did you eat the turkey? I told you if you waited like, an hour, we'd go grab coffee."
"I'm fine." He stood up taller, trying not to look sick. The show was already behind on filming. It would not do to make it even more behind schedule.
"Yeah right," Valerie pressed, eyeing him in deep concern. "You're sweating, and I know what I just heard. You're sick."
"I am not sick," he retorted, although something in face suggested he felt nausea even from speaking. He instinctively placed a hand over his sensitive stomach.
"…Really?"
"Yes."
"Well, something's wrong with you."
"It's not what you think."
A fire lit in her eyes. For a time, she seemed as if she would grow angry as she always did whenever anyone defied her. And then the glint turned dark and mischievous. She turned around and called out loudly, walking away, "Guys! Everything's okay! Dan's just pregnant!"
His face twitched in shock, then disgust. "Oh, come on. Ghost flu."
"Pregnancy!"
His feverish eyes narrowed after her. Still looking a bit green, holding his stomach, he began to trail after her. "Dammit, Val—!"
.
Hartman Butch approached Dan while he was sitting down at a table. The ghost had his cloak (the thick, non-sentient one) wrapped around him like a blanket, as if he were cold. "Dan?" the producer asked hesitantly.
The ghost looked up miserably. "What?" he moaned reluctantly. "Do not tell me it's time for a stunt. I might lose my lunch."
"Actually, I'm here to talk," the producer said. He looked quite nervous. "Valerie says you're pregnant? Can ghosts…do that?"
Dan face faulted. "You can't be serious."
"Because if you can, we really need to talk about how to film the show if—"
The ghost stood up. "—Excuse me," he apologized to the producer, voice hardening. Though he looked ill, a dangerous edge curl his lips into sneer. "I have to go kill someone."
He dematerialized before the producer could open his mouth with a fearful objection. A few minutes later, there was the sound of a high-pitched, female scream.
Hartman flinched. That scream was most certainly Valerie.
Dan re-appeared after a few seconds, looking exceptionally self-satisfied for being an ill ghost. "Okay," he said, re-shouldering his cloak around his body like a blanket. "Now we may continue our conversation. No, I am not pregnant. I will never be pregnant. And if you ask again, I might do something unpleasant."
The producer swallowed hard, suddenly afraid to turn his back on this ghost. "Oh. Uh, that's good you're not—you know, we hadn't really worked with ghosts before, and Valerie said—"
"—Don't believe anything she says," Dan cut in. His eyes cut waywardly toward the door. "She lies to torment me."
Valerie walked in just then, covered in ectoplasmic goo that she was struggling to get out of her ringlet hair. Tears were in her eyes. "Oh my god," she breathed, scrubbing at her hair with a worn towel. Glops of ectoplasm oozed from her. "I can't get it out. I can't get it out."
The ill Dan leaned forward. A dark smile stretched his pale lips. "Well. I just can't control my powers when I'm sick," he said airily. "You'll probably have to cut off your hair, Valerie dear."
"Oh, I'm gonna kill you," Valerie promised, holding her ruined hair helplessly and narrowing her eyes.
"I'm already dead," Dan said pleasantly.
The director stared at his panicking female lead, who looked all of two seconds away from tackling an ill Dan Phantom. "This is going to kill our continuity," he complained.
And then Dan's face twisted, and he began to hold his stomach, looking suddenly more green. "Hold that thought."
Behind the Scenes (Camera 19)
It was early on a Monday morning. Valerie was sitting in a chair with her name embroidered on the back, her hair sleek in curls and her body covered by a silky robe. She looked as if she were waiting for the makeup crew to arrive, and she was scrolling through something on her phone. She began smiling in a mischievous way.
A half-dressed Dan was struggling to pull his flickering hair into a ponytail as he walked up. He turned curious eyes to the pleased mischief in Valeri's face. "You are uncharacteristically awake for 4:00 am."
She swung her phone over to him. "Check it out. Someone posted fanfiction of our characters."
He blinked. "Fanfiction?"
"You know, when people take a show and then—"
"—I know what it is," he cut in, then leaned forward, "but I did not think we would be popular enough for it." His face twisted into an evil smile. "What an interesting development." But then Dan began to read a few lines, and then said, face twisting in a frown, "This cannot be right. It has you defeating me."
"I know," she crowed triumphantly, pulling the phone away. "They love me more than you."
He sniffed, then straightened and returned to pulling his hair back. "Well. That is why they call it fanfiction."
The next thing he knew, he was on the ground, Valerie's foot upon his chest. "Fanfiction?" she huffed. "Sweetheart, they got that from canon."
He grabbed onto her bare foot, teasingly gripping hard. "Is your memory so poor?" he retorted. "I believe I quite defeated you in the last episode."
"You didn't defeat me—you dented my armor," she scoffed, pulling away before he could flip her on her back. Her eyes were glinting. "And just wait until scene 3 today. I'm gonna kick your ass."
The ghost nimbly rose up, red eyes dark. "I'd like to see you try," he challenged, leaning in.
The sudden closeness of their bodies, the tilt of his lips inches from hers, made Valerie blink. She turned around, grabbing her phone and looking down at it to hide a streak of nervousness. "Yeah? Well, you just wait," she repeated, allowing her curls to cover the side of her face, praying that they hid her blush. "Everyone will love me more."
She didn't even know why she was blushing. It was just Dan.
Just Dan.
Blooper Reel (Season 1)
His eyes were orange in fury as he shoved her against the wall and held her there. She winced convincingly.
"Now I'm going to tell you this one more time, Valerie dear—" he hissed in her ear, sinking his fingers deep against her battle suit. "I'm—"
"—in love with you," a sweet, female voice crooned suddenly. The two paused in sudden surprise, then turned their heads. Upon Dan's worn script was his black cell phone, which was buzzing with the song. "Let me hear you whisper that you love me too—"
Off to the side, Kwan burst out with a chuckle, his white teeth flashing.
The director groaned, slapping his forehead. "Cut! Dan! Really."
Dan's eye twitched in confusion and horror. The sound was offensive to his ears, and he put his hand over them. "Do you honestly think that ringtone is mine?" he retorted, looking accusingly around the room as he stalked to the phone and slammed it off without even looking at the caller ID.
It was probably those damn writers—always slipping innuendos into things when he had to act with Valerie. Or maybe Nathan, who seemed bent on matchmaking him with Valerie.
His co-star crossed her arms and huffed in amusement as she tilted her head at him. She joked dryly, "So you push me against a wall to say you're in love with me? That's cute."
Something in his core fluttered. His face began to tinge green until the blush stretched to the tips of his elfin ears. "Shut up," he hissed, narrowing his eyes at Valerie.
"Yeah, well. I don't think Dan Phantom's supposed to woo the Red Huntress with love songs," she told him. "Can we cut this from the blooper reel? That'd create some pretty freak fanfiction."
"Yes," he said, voice strained, trying to regain his dignity. "It would."
Behind the Scenes (Camera 04)
Valerie inhaled shakily over the body of her dead father on the ground, her fingers touching his throat, desperate to feel a heartbeat. "…Daddy?" she whispered, voice breaking. Her face twisted up with quivering lips, then a sob. "Daddy, come on. Please don't." She pulled her hand away, only to lean her forehead against his. "Don't leave me here."
The old man upon the pavement did not breathe or move, and Valerie began to cry harder, real tears slipping down her face.
Dan watched as the cameras leaned in forward to capture the emotional brokenness on Valerie's face. And then his eyes began to burn, and he oddly felt tears rise to his own eyes.
He touched his face in surprised. ...What is this?
Then he looked down, and he face-faulted. He grabbed onto the bowl of onions, and spun around, hissing lowly, "…Who put these here?!"
Nathan quickly ducked behind an oblivious Kwan, who was still reading over his script notes.
Behind the Scenes (Security Camera 03)
"I'm telling you," Nathan said, flipping up his fedora and planting his elbows on the director's desk. "It's the perfect plan."
Hart Butchman eyed the redhead with a bit of suspicion. "But it doesn't make sense," he said slowly. "Valerie Gray and Dan Phantom are sworn enemies."
Nathan's lips stretched. "I know, right? That's what makes it hot."
"…I'm not following."
"It's the forbidden fruit, Hart." Nathan seemed to grow more passionate. "This show's losing viewers because everything's black and white. But a romantic relationship between enemies?" He pushed off the desk to stretch his back against the chair, whistling low. "That'll turn some heads."
"But between them?" Hart was unconvinced. He rubbed his jaw, blue eyes narrowing. "That's just sick. And you know how the public feels about romantic relationships between humans and ghosts right now."
"I know," Nathan agreed. "The moral intrigue—the ethics—they'll all get shot to hell. The writers will have a field day with it. And then we'll all be rich because we'll be the most controversial show on TV." He tapped his fingers on the desk. "I may or may not also have a bet riding on their relationship."
The director gave him a dark look. "I designed this show with Kwan as Valerie's romantic interest. They're one of the highest fictional couples talked about online. It's good publicity."
"And the honeymoon's wearing off," Nathan reminded him. "Dan's tired of having to take Valerie home every time she drinks to prep for a romance scene with Kwan. The fans are wondering what's gonna happen next, and they're losing interest cause everything's so…predictable. Kill two birds with one stone here." He stopped. "Technically four birds. Bird three is the writers, who are dying to do something new anyway."
Hart asked dryly, "And the fourth bird?"
"The hundred-dollar bet I have riding with my sister," Nathan admitted. "Come on, Hart! That should tell you this is unchartered waters. No one is expecting it. We could really blow some minds here."
"For what creative purpose? Forbidden romances—they make things just as predictable in the long run," Hart argued.
Nathan shrugged. "Not if you play them right."
The director set his lips in a grim line. "And how do you know Valerie and Dan would be willing to do this? This is a line no one's crossed before on TV. It doesn't help that Phantom's not even a good ghost on the show."
Nathan seemed absolutely devilish. "Oh, trust me," he said. "...Something tells me they wouldn't mind."
A/N: Yay, a blooper/behind-the-scenes chapter with an almost-plot. Not sure if I'll do something like this again or not—kinda depends on your reaction. I really just needed to write something upbeat because life's kinda turning into a nightmare-at-work and nightmare-at-home sort of thing, and I wanted to trick myself into thinking life doesn't always suck. Also, I wanted a happy intermission since I hadn't uploaded one in a while to break up the angst in this collection.
The song referenced as Dan's unwanted phone ringtone was "Let Me Call You Sweetheart" and is in public domain. The scene with Nathan putting a bowl of onions by Dan was unfortunately inspired by a SpongeBob episode. The AU concept of humans and ghosts tentatively living together on earth but unequally is inspired by general racial history.
Warning: Deliverance will be upgraded to an M rating for the next upload and for here on out (the Karma and Aftermath installments were probably already M to begin with). This is a safety precaution, given how T and M are differentiated in the site's rating guide. If you are a guest reviewer, please be aware this means you'll have to adjust the filter settings on the DP archive page to see M-rated stories. To be fair, I guess an M-rating for a story with Dan in it was…inevitable… O_o
Anyway, please let me know your thoughts, questions, critiques, or ideas! Thank you!
