p class="MsoNormal"He followed Mariah into the living room, sitting when she gestured at the couch. She grabbed the TV remote before sitting opposite him on the couch, leaving a space between them. She turned on the TV and connected her phone, pulling her legs up and tucking them on the side./p
p class="MsoNormal""I was thinking that we'd start with some stuff with Morgan," Mariah said, "I know you've been having a lot of anxiety about being around her, so maybe this will help. But if you want to see something else let me know."/p
p class="MsoNormal""Ok," Sebastian said, looking up at the TV. Seeing Mariah scroll through her gallery was making his head spin./p
p class="MsoNormal""Um, I was going to start at the beginning and go forward, but maybe it would be more helpful to do more recent stuff? I'm not really sure. What do you think?" Mariah was looking at him./p
p class="MsoNormal""Errr," Sebastian said, "I'm not sure. Maybe the newer stuff? I'm not sure how much I'm going to be able remember of what you tell me and anything that will help me with being around her now."/p
p class="MsoNormal""Okay," Mariah style="mso-spacerun: yes;" /spanShe opened up pictures from Winter Star, giving Sebastian time to take in each one as she spoke, "So when I was pregnant with Morgan, you suggested that you could get a side car for your bike so we could all go on rides together once she was old enough. She found out about it and has been asking about it ever since. Since she's still a bit young for it, we got her the tricycle for Winter Star. She was so excited we moved the furniture against the walls so she could ride around the living room. She was riding it yesterday afternoon with Abby and Carver, and I'll be surprised if she doesn't ask to ride it again today. She was so anxious for winter to end to get to ride it outside."/p
p class="MsoNormal"Sebastian could feel the happiness and something akin to excitement that he couldn't quite identify as he looked at the pictures and listen to Mariah talk. He still didn't remember any of it. She flipped a bit further back and played a video, from what ended up being Sebastian's birthday. He was sitting at the table in their kitchen, with Morgan on his lap. He could see his family, the back of Sam's head, and a woman that he was assuming was Sam's fiancé holding Sophie standing by the counter./p
p class="MsoNormal""Alright," Mariah said from off camera, "Is everybody ready?"/p
p class="MsoNormal"Morgan bounced up and down in his lap as Penny appeared placing a cake with lit candles in front of him. The lights flicked off and they sang an off key version of 'Happy Birthday' to him. Morgan helped him blow out his candles. The lights came back on, and he had to stop Morgan from grabbing at the cake./p
p class="MsoNormal""Hey, hey," he said to her, tickling her sides, "Are you trying to steal my birthday cake?"/p
p class="MsoNormal"She giggled bending at the tickles. "Daddy!" she giggled./p
p class="MsoNormal""I think you're a cake thief!" he teased tickling her more./p
p class="MsoNormal""Daddy, Daddy!" she gasped, and he let up his tickles, "I have some? You share?"/p
p class="MsoNormal""Yes," he chuckled, "Birthday cake gets shared with everybody. You'll get a piece just like everyone else."/p
p class="MsoNormal"Robin came over with a stack of plates and forks, with a knife in the other hand, "First piece for the birthday boy, and then you can have the second piece, deal?" she said to Morgan who nodded happily. She slid off Sebastian's lap to sit on the bench next to him. The video ended with Robin cutting the cake./p
p class="MsoNormal""Did you kiss my cheek after that?" Sebastian said, a phantom sensation brushing across his skin./p
p class="MsoNormal""Oh, um, probably," Mariah said, "I don't remember exactly. Something like that. I came over and said something about hoping you made a good wish or that your wish would come true, and yeah, I probably did kiss your cheek."/p
p class="MsoNormal""Hmm," Sebastian nodded./p
p class="MsoNormal"Mariah gave him a moment before continuing to flip through the images. There was a picture of the three of them smiling at the ice festival. Sebastian was wearing what must have been his friendship earmuffs./p
p class="MsoNormal""There was a snowball fight," Sebastian said looking at it, "Wasn't there?"/p
p class="MsoNormal"Mariah nodded her head, "Yup. Pierre was so excited."/p
p class="MsoNormal"Sebastian raised an eyebrow, "I don't remember that. Not that I remember the snowball fight either, I just knew it happened. If that makes any sense."/p
p class="MsoNormal""It does. I think anyway," she sighed, "I wish it made more sense. How you're remembering things that is. These weird partial memories must be frustrating."/p
p class="MsoNormal""Maybe it's a good thing," he suggested, "Adding to the suffering or something."/p
p class="MsoNormal"Mariah groaned, "I wish there was some more clarity around that. Not that I want either of us to be dealing with suffering period, but it's be nice if we had a better idea of what that meant."/p
p class="MsoNormal""Oh yeah, I do need to talk with you about that," Sebastian said, "I've been taking some notes and Sam helped me a bit, but I'd like you to look at it too. See if you have any other ideas. Plus you might be able to answer some of my questions."/p
p class="MsoNormal""Did you want to do that now or?" Mariah gestured to the TV where the image of the ice festival was still displayed./p
p class="MsoNormal""Oh, uh, we can do that later," Sebastian said, "Let's keep doing this for now. Before Morgan comes back."/p
p class="MsoNormal""Alright," Mariah said flipping back a bit further./p
p class="MsoNormal"Sebastian was curious as to what was going on in her head as they looked at the pictures. She'd largely stopped talking, making comments here and there instead of telling stories the way he'd expected her to./p
p class="MsoNormal""So people dress up on Spirit's Eve?" Sebastian asked, looking at the picture of their costumes./p
p class="MsoNormal""Some people," Mariah said, "It's a tradition in the city that we've pseudo brought here."/p
p class="MsoNormal""I like it," Sebastian said, "It seems like fun."/p
p class="MsoNormal"Mariah smiled, "It is."/p
p class="MsoNormal""And your birthday is right after?"/p
p class="MsoNormal""Mmhmm," she nodded./p
p class="MsoNormal""And you love fall and Spirit's Eve?"/p
p class="MsoNormal""I do," she confirmed./p
p class="MsoNormal""Can you tell me about the giant pumpkin?" he asked, "I saw a picture of Morgan on it yesterday."/p
p class="MsoNormal""Oh, sure," Mariah flipped through a few more, getting to said giant pumpkin, "Well I always grow a ton of pumpkins for a few different reasons. The main two being that I love them and they're very profitable. Anyway this pumpkin grew in what should have been about nine pumpkins. I'm not entirely sure how it happened, if it started as separate pumpkins and they just sort of merged into one big one or if it just grew that way on its own. I tend to think it grew this way on its own, but I have no idea how or why, it wasn't something I was intentionally trying to achieve."/p
p class="MsoNormal""And Morgan loved it," Sebastian said, "And was sad when it was gone."/p
p class="MsoNormal""Yes," Mariah confirmed, "She loved having it on the farm. It won a bunch of prizes at the Grampleton Fair too. Sam and Vincent helped us harvest it and get it there, but that was one nerve wrecking ride to and from," She flipped through the photos showing him the fair and then what happened after, "We hallowed it out and I made an absurd amount of pumpkin soup. Actually the soup we ate yesterday was from that pumpkin. We did pumpkin boat rides in the lake and then carved it and put in in the center of town for Spirit's Eve. After that we broke it down and we gave most of it to Marnie for treats for her animals. We kept some for our goats as well, but it was just so much pumpkin."/p
p class="MsoNormal""Mariah?" Sebastian said after a moment./p
p class="MsoNormal""Yeah?"/p
p class="MsoNormal""I wish I remembered this."/p
p class="MsoNormal""Me too," she whispered./p
p class="MsoNormal""Can we stop now?" he asked./p
p class="MsoNormal"Mariah silently nodded her head, disconnecting her phone from the TV. Sebastian got the impression that she was fighting back tears, feeling a similar sadness in himself. They sat in silence, which felt more uncomfortable than it had previously./p
p class="MsoNormal"Mariah sighed, sitting herself up with her feet on the ground, "I think I'm going to lie back down for a bit. Even if I don't sleep I could use some more rest," she rubbed at her stomach absentmindedly./p
p class="MsoNormal""Okay," Sebastian nodded, "I'll just grab a book then."/p
p class="MsoNormal"She nodded her head and he followed her into the bedroom. Mariah lied down in the bed while Sebastian chose his book. He looked at her when he turned to leave, only able to see her back. He shut the door behind him softly as he sat back down on the couch, stretching his legs out. He wondered if Mariah was crying again. He tried not to dwell on it, he didn't feel like he could adequately help anyway if she were. Still he struggled with reading, which was frustrating. He was normally able to get lost into books easily, but he found himself having to read the same paragraph repeatedly, no absorbing a thing. He let out a frustrated sigh and closed the book. He dropped it into his lap and rubbed at his temples. em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"Nothing can be easy now can it? Of course you can't even fucking enjoy something and relax because you're on the verge of falling a-fucking-part. Maybe if you're lucky this will count towards your suffering. /emHe internally rolled his eyes. em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"If only it were that simple./em/p
p class="MsoNormal"Mariah was up by the time Sam returned with the girls. He and Sophie left promptly after that. Morgan excitedly told them about their trip to the beach and proudly showed off a shell she'd found. Mariah suggested she add it to her collage, which Morgan readily agreed to./p
p class="MsoNormal""Daddy you come help!" Morgan said bounding towards the stairs./p
p class="MsoNormal"Sebastian looked over to Mariah, "She just needs you to super glue it on there," she whispered to him, "Everything is in one place. Should be easy."/p
p class="MsoNormal"Sebastian nodded and followed after Morgan. They got up the stairs and Morgan pulled a large piece of cardboard out from behind a shelf and put it on the table they'd played Solorian at. She turned back and grabbed a box off the shelf handing it to him./p
p class="MsoNormal""Where do you think the shell should go?" he asked her, looking across the trinket adorned cardboard. There were beads, small pebbles, shells, and other things he was sure she'd found outside scattered across it. Considering it was a creation of a toddler, it looked pretty good./p
p class="MsoNormal""Hmmm," Morgan said, studying it. Sebastian opened the box and took out the super glue, waiting patiently there./p
p class="MsoNormal""There daddy, there!" she said pointing, "What you think?"/p
p class="MsoNormal""I think it looks great," Sebastian said, "Which way to you want it to go?"/p
p class="MsoNormal""Like this!" she put the shell down to show him./p
p class="MsoNormal""Got it," he nodded, picking the shell up and putting the super glue on the back of it before pressing it back into the spot she'd indicated./p
p class="MsoNormal"Morgan watched him intently, which gave Sebastian more anxiety than he thought it ought to. Once he was done, Morgan got close, assessing how well he'd done with her vision. She seemed to know well enough not to touch it. She nodded her head in approval as he put the super glue back in the box. He passed the box back to her and she put it back on the shelf./p
p class="MsoNormal""Eggplant parm or baked fish?" Mariah called up the stairs to them./p
p class="MsoNormal""Dumplings!" Morgan called back./p
p class="MsoNormal""Not today!" Mariah responded immediately, "We don't have the time for that."/p
p class="MsoNormal"Morgan pouted, "What you want daddy?"/p
p class="MsoNormal""How about the eggplant?" he said to her./p
p class="MsoNormal""Okay," Morgan nodded heading for the stairs. Sebastian followed behind her./p
p class="MsoNormal""We have eggplant Mommy," she announced as they made their way back to Mariah, "I help!"/p
p class="MsoNormal""Sure," Mariah agreed, "You can help."/p
p class="MsoNormal"Had Sebastian successfully gotten through his first moment alone with Morgan? That hadn't been so bad. Granted it was all of two minutes and they were achieving a very specific task, but still he'd done it. He sat at the table, watching the two of them in the kitchen./p
p class="MsoNormal""We have dumplings tomorrow?" Morgan asked./p
p class="MsoNormal""I don't think so kiddo, sorry," Mariah shook her head, "Daddy is taking mommy to a doctor's appointment in the city tomorrow. I think grandma is going to cook dinner."/p
p class="MsoNormal"Morgan pouted, letting out an exaggerated sigh, "Okay. You tell me the dumpling story daddy?"/p
p class="MsoNormal""No," Mariah intervened, "I want to tell the dumpling story," Morgan agreed with some reluctance and Sebastian let out an internal sigh of relief./p
p class="MsoNormal""When daddy was a little boy," Mariah began, "He used to go visit his grandma in the city."/p
p class="MsoNormal""Like we visit grandpa," Morgan added./p
p class="MsoNormal""Like we visit grandpa," Mariah agreed, "And daddy's grandma wanted to make sure that he stayed connected to his roots, so she taught him how to cook. And then daddy didn't cook for a real long time, so he forgot a lot of things, but he remembered how to put together dumplings."/p
p class="MsoNormal""What your grandma say about dumplings?" Morgan turned to Sebastian expectantly./p
p class="MsoNormal"He thought, tugging at the memory in the recess of his mind. He couldn't remember the last time he'd thought about his dad's family. Voluntarily at least./p
p class="MsoNormal""She said," Mariah jumped in, but Morgan whipped around to look at her./p
p class="MsoNormal""No, no! Daddy say it. No you," Morgan chastised Mariah./p
p class="MsoNormal""She said," Sebastian began, hoping he remembered the right thing, because Morgan clearly had a specific answer in mind, "To pinch the dough of the dumplings together nice and tight to make little dumpling pillows."/p
p class="MsoNormal"That was apparently the right thing, because Morgan nodded excitedly, repeating, "Dumpling pillows, dumpling pillows" in a sing-song voice./p
p class="MsoNormal""So when mommy moved to town, daddy didn't know how to cook very well because he mostly ate grandma's cooking," Mariah continued with the story, re-capturing Morgan's attention./p
p class="MsoNormal""Grandma's a good cook," Morgan nodded, "Right daddy?"/p
p class="MsoNormal""Right," Sebastian nodded in agreement./p
p class="MsoNormal""But he wanted to learn how to cook better," Mariah said./p
p class="MsoNormal""To be more in-de-pain-dent," Morgan added./p
p class="MsoNormal""Exactly," Mariah confirmed, "To be more independent. So as mommy and daddy got to know each other mommy began to teach daddy how to cook."/p
p class="MsoNormal""You made pizza!" Morgan cheered, "And kissed."/p
p class="MsoNormal""That's right," Mariah chuckled, "On the night we first kissed mommy showed daddy how to make pizza from scratch. And over the next year he would come over and learn how to cook by helping mommy. So when our anniversary came up.."/p
p class="MsoNormal""Jellies!" Morgan interjected./p
p class="MsoNormal""Yes," Sebastian could hear the happiness in her voice, "It was the night of the moonlight jellies. So for our anniversary, we decided to recreate that night, but make dumplings instead of pizza, so that it would be special."/p
p class="MsoNormal""Mommy no know how," Morgan said./p
p class="MsoNormal""And daddy didn't really remember how either, except for how to form them."/p
p class="MsoNormal""Dumpling pillows," Morgan said sagely, nodding./p
p class="MsoNormal""Dumpling pillows," Sebastian agreed this time./p
p class="MsoNormal""So we worked together to figure out how to make dumplings for the first time," Mariah said, "Because it was a special night. And they were delicious."/p
p class="MsoNormal""Super yummy," Sebastian added, though he didn't actually remember, he just felt he should be participating more./p
p class="MsoNormal""Special yummy dumplings!" Morgan spun around, "And then what?"/p
p class="MsoNormal""And then we went down to the beach to watch the jellies," Mariah said./p
p class="MsoNormal""And you stayed really late," Morgan was grinning./p
p class="MsoNormal""Yea, we stayed late, after everyone else had left the beach. And we took a walk over to the tide pools and mommy and daddy proposed to each other."/p
p class="MsoNormal""At the same time!" Morgan cheered./p
p class="MsoNormal""At the same time," Mariah confirmed, putting dinner into the oven./p
p class="MsoNormal""And then we had se…," Sebastian cut himself off before he completely finished his sentence, Mariah's eyes huge staring him down, "I mean and then we kissed on the beach." em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"I've got to get this 'blurting out every fact that comes to my mind' thing under control./em/p
p class="MsoNormal"Morgan giggled with glee, "Then mommy and daddy got married!"/p
p class="MsoNormal""We sure did," Mariah said, still keeping her eye on Sebastian./p
p class="MsoNormal""I watch TV?" Morgan asked, apparently over the story./p
p class="MsoNormal"Mariah thought about it, "You can watch just a little bit before dinner."/p
p class="MsoNormal""Yay!" Morgan said, running over to the living room./p
p class="MsoNormal""So do you actually remember that or?" Mariah whispered at him./p
p class="MsoNormal"Sebastian shook his head, "Nope. I don't actually remember any of it. Just the fact thing again. But that was real?"/p
p class="MsoNormal"Mariah nodded her head./p
p class="MsoNormal""Holy shit," Sebastian said under his breath, "Seriously? We had sex on the beach? Like where someone could see us?"/p
p class="MsoNormal"Mariah's face looked pained. She didn't say anything, but just nodded again. Sebastian shook his head in disbelief. em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"What have I turned into? How the fuck did I do that and not have a panic attack?/em He didn't acknowledge it but something deep down inside of him enjoyed the thought./p
p class="MsoNormal"After Morgan was asleep, Sebastian asked Mariah if she was up for going over his notes and maybe answering some questions. She looked tired, but agreed just the same, saying that she wanted to put on her pajamas first. Sebastian gave her space, fidgeting with his hoodie awkwardly while standing in the living room until she opened the bedroom door for him again./p
p class="MsoNormal""How are you feeling?" he asked as they walked over to his computer./p
p class="MsoNormal""Honestly?" Mariah said, "I'm fucking exhausted. I'm pretty sure I feel worse than I did yesterday."/p
p class="MsoNormal"Sebastian felt a pang in his heart, "I'm sorry," he said genuinely./p
p class="MsoNormal"Mariah shrugged, "Nothing to be done about it. How about you?"/p
p class="MsoNormal""I don't really know," Sebastian admitted, "I'm still frustrated and overwhelmed, but I'm not as anxious as I thought I would be. Or feel like I should be actually."/p
p class="MsoNormal""Well that's a positive," Mariah said./p
p class="MsoNormal""I guess," Sebastian said, "Are you sure you're up for this? We don't have to."/p
p class="MsoNormal""Yeah, yeah," Mariah said, "Let's do this. I'd feel better if we could make some progress."/p
p class="MsoNormal"Sebastian brought up the document on his computer as Mariah eased herself onto the couch next to him, "So what do you know about the wizard and his ex-wife?"/p
p class="MsoNormal""Um, you're going to be getting some information that even my husband doesn't know about other people in town. At least I don't think he knows about it. If that feels like too much to you, I can try to censor it," Mariah said./p
p class="MsoNormal"Sebastian was not expecting that, "Do you think it's important?"/p
p class="MsoNormal""Could be," Mariah shrugged, "I'm not actually sure how much the witch is aware of."/p
p class="MsoNormal""Well," Sebastian spoke slowly as he considered it, "I guess you can tell me. Having the information can only be helpful right?"/p
p class="MsoNormal""Okay," Mariah nodded, "If it feels like too much, let me know and I'll stop," Sebastian agreed before Mariah continued, "So I don't know too much about their relationship prior to their divorce, but what I do know is the end of their relationship was nasty. He cheated on her. With Caroline. We're fairly positive that Abby is his daughter. Abby doesn't know. I don't know if Pierre knows that Caroline cheated on him with Rasmodius or not, but he's suspected that Abby isn't his. I'm not sure if it's something Caroline knows the answer to or not."/p
p class="MsoNormal""Oh-kay," Sebastian said, not prepared for that./p
p class="MsoNormal""I don't know if the witch knows about the potential parentage, or even that it was with Caroline, but she knows that he cheated on her. From what Rasmodius told me when she found out, she turned green and it's stayed that way ever since. I'm assuming that's related to some magical thing, but I'm not really clear on the details. She was very bitter and angry about the whole thing and basically stayed in town to torture him. He sealed off the entrance to her house, claiming that he did it to protect the town from her, but honestly it was so fucking selfish. It was petty revenge and to keep her away from him because he sure as shit barely cares about the style="mso-spacerun: yes;" /spanIt also didn't stop her from coming here and cursing my chicken egg, so I dunno how effective it actually was. Though I suppose I can't be too mad about that, we wouldn't have Ash if she didn't. I guess it prevented people from accidentally wandering into her house. Anyway a few years ago, after we worked with the junimos to get the community center restored- I know that's a bizarre statement for you, just roll with it please. I don't have the energy to explain all of that right now. So we did that and I've developed more of a relationship with him he decides it's really important he gets back some magic ink she's had for who knows how fucking long. So he unseals her, eventually we help him get his ink back. He's clearly interested in developing some kind of relationship with her, but won't talk to her because he doesn't think she'll respond well. Can't imagine what gave him that idea," she said sarcastically./p
p class="MsoNormal""So wait," Sebastian said before she could go on, "You're telling me that he cheated on her, they got divorced, and then he sealed her home up to avoid seeing her? That's fucked up."/p
p class="MsoNormal""Yes, yes it is," Mariah agreed, "So eventually he does end up talking to her and surprise, surprise, it doesn't go well. They end up fighting quite a lot. I don't know the details of that, other than it happened. They are on pseudo speaking terms when it's convenient for them, but I think they mostly still try to avoid each other."/p
p class="MsoNormal""Okay then," Sebastian said as he finished typing up his notes, "So I have a bunch of questions that I'm not sure how much you're going to be able to answer given your limited knowledge."/p
p class="MsoNormal""I'll do my best," Mariah said before twitching, "Oh!" she said sounding surprised, putting her hand on her stomach./p
p class="MsoNormal""Something wrong?" Sebastian asked, glancing at her stomach. He was not a religious person but found himself praying that nothing unexpected happened with her pregnancy. He definitely couldn't handle that right now. No way he wouldn't have a break down from that. Mariah didn't need to deal with that either./p
p class="MsoNormal""Oh no," she said, "Just some unexpected and strong kicking."/p
p class="MsoNormal"As Sebastian looked at her, he could see the hand or foot or whatever moving across Mariah's stomach like some kind of sci-fi alien movie. It was both fascinating and freaky at the same time./p
p class="MsoNormal""Did you want to feel it?" she asked him, and he realized he'd been staring for too long when they made eye contact./p
p class="MsoNormal""Err…"/p
p class="MsoNormal""You can say no," Mariah said, "I won't be offended. I only offered since you seemed curious."/p
p class="MsoNormal""Should I?"/p
p class="MsoNormal"Mariah shrugged, "Up to you."/p
p class="MsoNormal""I dunno. I mean I guess it is my kid. But I'm still trying to work on figuring out Morgan. I'm not sure I'm really prepared to deal with that. Them? Is that bad?" he frowned./p
p class="MsoNormal""No Sebastian, it's not bad," Mariah shook her head, "I know I've said it before, but you've been managing all of this way better than you could be. Hard to feel connected to a stranger and her kids, especially one that's not born yet. Even if they are your kids too. I honestly truly appreciate all the effort you've put into trying with Morgan."/p
p class="MsoNormal"He knew she hadn't meant to make him feel bad, but there was a ball, a very small ball, but a ball none-the-less of guilt in the pit of his stomach. He reached out to touch her stomach. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't ignore the fact that this was his child. Sure he'd been utterly overwhelmed and feeling out of place, but avoiding it entirely wasn't going to stop this child from being born whether or not Sebastian got his memory back. He might was well attempt to develop some kind of connection with them. He couldn't remember a time he'd ever felt a baby kicking before. He supposed he probably had when his mother was pregnant with Maru, but was too young to remember. He felt a surge of joy when the baby made contact with his hand, and he gasped slightly in shock./p
p class="MsoNormal""This almost reminds me of the first time you felt Morgan kicking," Mariah said, looking at him./p
p class="MsoNormal""Had I lost my memory then too?" he asked in a deadpan, hoping she knew he was joking./p
p class="MsoNormal"Thankfully she chuckled, "You were working and totally oblivious to what was going on. I tricked you with a cup of coffee, and put your hand on my stomach when you went to grab it. You were so excited."/p
p class="MsoNormal""He's strong," Sebastian said, feeling the repeated movements, "Or she. I feel bad for your bladder."/p
p class="MsoNormal""They are strong," Mariah nodded with a sigh, adding under her breath "Good thing too."/p
p class="MsoNormal""Yeah," Sebastian said removing his hand, feeling lonely as the warmth he hadn't been conscious of experiencing fading away, "Sam, uh, mentioned you were worried about the baby coming early."/p
p class="MsoNormal"Mariah blinked, before looking away briefly. She cleared her throat, "Yeah. I am. It's just, uh…. Morgan came three weeks early, and so suddenly. And frequently subsequent pregnancies are easier and faster than the first one. So I was worried about it before this happened to you, but now…. Well let's just say I have no idea how we're going to manage having a newborn and everything else if you don't have your memory back yet. I don't mean to sound selfish, but I really don't know if I have it in me to try and manage it all at once."/p
p class="MsoNormal"Sebastian really didn't know what to say. He didn't take it personally of course, but he had no clue what an appropriate response was. Time was ticking and he had to say something. Right?/p
p class="MsoNormal""I'm sorry," He blurted out. It wasn't enough. It didn't encapsulate all of the thoughts swirling around his head. em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"I can't just say I want my memory back too, because no shit. Should I say I'll try my best? That's too cheesy. What about saying something like 'I know this isn't ideal and I don't know what the hell I'm doing but you won't be alone'? Of course I don't really want to watch her give birth, but I guess I will. She shouldn't have to go through that any more alone than she already is. Fuck I hope I get my memory back before that. Or at least some of it. Shit. Fuck. Shit. Motherfucker. I don't know how to be a dad. Or how to take care of a newborn. I barely know how to take care of myself. What am I doing? What am I doing? What the fuck am I doing?/em/p
p class="MsoNormal""Sebastian breathe," he heard Mariah say, "I don't know what's going on in your head, but you need to breathe. I mean if you have a panic attack, that's not a big deal, but at the same time you don't need to be dealing with that right now."/p
p class="MsoNormal""I don't know what the fuck I'm doing," he spewed, "I'm just kind of freaking out because what if my memory doesn't come back and this is just going to be my life now? Will I just have to pick up from this point and keep pretending like it's fine that I don't remember the last six years and hope for the best? And I don't know much kids, and I definitely don't know anything about babies. This is a fucking shit show and yeah it's terrible for me, but you and Morgan and that baby don't deserve it either. You all deserve better. I can't do this. I don't know. I just…. I just don't know anything. What…."/p
p class="MsoNormal""I'm sorry in advance if this makes it worse," Mariah said before getting up and embracing him as he began to sob. He felt vulnerable and uncomfortable, but also didn't want her to move away. The conflicting feeling about it inside of him confused him enough to derail the panic attack, but wasn't enough to stop the tears./p
p class="MsoNormal"He'd gotten through all of the little stressful moments throughout the day and somehow hadn't recognized the stress bubbling just under the surface. Sebastian wasn't stupid, he knew he wasn't actually managing as well as he'd appeared to be, but he hadn't realized how close he'd been to having this breakdown. Mariah didn't say anything, just held him, stroking his back occasionally. He felt embarrassed, but leaned into her just the same. He could feel the tension easing out of his body as he let the tears fall. When the hug ended, he saw Mariah wipe away some tears of her own./p
p class="MsoNormal""Sorry," he mumbled./p
p class="MsoNormal""Nothing to be sorry about," she shook her head, "Sorry for the personal space invasion. I just….Well I…It hurts to know you're in pain like that. And to see it…"/p
p class="MsoNormal""I…yeah," he said lamely./p
p class="MsoNormal""I should probably…." She vaguely gestured behind her, "Unless you.."/p
p class="MsoNormal""I… oh… um.. I..yeah we can talk about this stuff tomorrow," he gestured at his computer screen./p
p class="MsoNormal"Sebastian made up the couch once more while Mariah was in the bathroom, mentally cursing, and unsure if the reaction was directed at himself or the situation. He was so emotionally drained that he found sleep much better than he had the night before. He awoke in the middle of the night to Mariah crying out "No!" repeatedly in her sleep. He got up, going over to the bed. She was scrunched up in a fetal position and was crying in her sleep./p
p class="MsoNormal"Sebastian put a hand on her shoulder, "Mariah," he called to her, "Mariah wake up," he shook her lightly, calling her name again. Her eyes popped open and she gasped, turning to him./p
p class="MsoNormal""Oh Bash," she said, grabbing onto him, crying into his chest. Sebastian could practically see the lightbulb go off in her head as reality hit her and she drew away from him, turning to bury her face in the pillow and cry./p
p class="MsoNormal"With some hesitancy, he rubbed her back, "It's okay," he said to her, trying to be reassuring. It wasn't clear to him whether he was comforting her over the nightmare, or over what just happened. He kept rubbing her back, though he couldn't tell if it was helping or not./p
p class="MsoNormal""I'm going to go get you a glass of water," he said, pulling his hand away, "I'll be right back."/p
p class="MsoNormal"He couldn't shake off the prickly feeling as a result of how she reacted when she remembered he wasn't who she wanted or needed him to be. In some ways he supposed it was for the best she'd realized so soon instead of having it click later and being more embarrassed about her reaction. At least that's how he would feel about it. Still, he imaged that it couldn't have been easy to come out of whatever nightmare that was to a source of comfort, only to realize the comfort wasn't real either and have to deal with that while still dealing with the nightmare. Not that he wasn't real, or didn't care, but he definitely wasn't the person she was looking for. His heart broke a little at her pain./p
p class="MsoNormal"He'd apparently been functioning on autopilot because he was holding the glass of water and was about to step into the living room when he heard the "Daddy?" call from the top of the stairs./p
p class="MsoNormal""Oh Morgan," he said, "It's very late. You need to go back to bed."/p
p class="MsoNormal""Why you up?" she asked./p
p class="MsoNormal""Mommy had a bad dream. I was getting her water," he explained holding up the glass./p
p class="MsoNormal""Oh," she said with a yawn, rubbing at her eyes./p
p class="MsoNormal""Go back to bed sweetie," he said./p
p class="MsoNormal""You tuck me in again?"/p
p class="MsoNormal""Er, okay," Sebastian said. He put the water down on the counter, and nimbly went up the stairs. He followed Morgan back into her bedroom. She climbed into her bed and Sebastian pulled the blanket back over her./p
p class="MsoNormal""Good night. Sleep tight," he said, pressing a kiss to her forehead./p
p class="MsoNormal""Good night," Morgan smiled loopily at him, "Love you daddy."/p
p class="MsoNormal""Love you too," he said, feeling horrid at faking the interaction. He did find himself caring for her, but he didn't feel connected to her as a parent. Not yet anyway./p
p class="MsoNormal""Tell mommy I love her and she ok. The monsters no real."/p
p class="MsoNormal""I will," Sebastian nodded, "Get some sleep. I'll see you in the morning."/p
p class="MsoNormal"Sebastian breathed out a sigh of relief when the door clicked shut behind him. He made his way back down the stairs and picked up the glass of water again./p
p class="MsoNormal"Mariah wasn't crying into the pillow any more when he returned to the room. He put the glass of water down on her nightstand, "Morgan says she loves you, you're okay, and the monsters aren't real."/p
p class="MsoNormal"Mariah had a hint of a smile, "Thanks. Sorry she woke up on you."/p
p class="MsoNormal""It's okay. Are you alright?"/p
p class="MsoNormal""I guess. Better than I was," Mariah said, "Would you sit with me for a minute?"/p
p class="MsoNormal"Sebastian sat down on the edge of the bed as Mariah sipped her water. He didn't speak, not really sure what Mariah was looking for from him either./p
p class="MsoNormal""Thank you for waking me up," she said to him softly, "I appreciate it. I'm sorry I…"/p
p class="MsoNormal""Don't worry about it," he cut her off, "No need to apologize. I'm, uh, sorry that I couldn't be more help."/p
p class="MsoNormal""They don't happen often," she said, "But they get worse when I'm stressed."/p
p class="MsoNormal""I get that," Sebastian nodded, which was true. He dealt with nightmares for as long as he could remember, "I'm surprised it didn't happen last night."/p
p class="MsoNormal""It did," Mariah said, "Just not as bad as this. I can't remember the last time it was this bad actually. I don't even think the anniversary last year hit me this hard. That's coming up by the way, the 14supth/sup just so you're aware."/p
p class="MsoNormal""Okay," Sebastian nodded, tucking the information away, "I'm sorry you're going through this."/p
p class="MsoNormal""Not your fault," she said, "I'm glad you're not."/p
p class="MsoNormal""Me too," he agreed, "I haven't been dreaming at all. Not that I'm aware of anyway."/p
p class="MsoNormal""That's good," Mariah nodded./p
p class="MsoNormal"They sat in silence for a while longer. He felt bad he couldn't do more, or didn't know what else to do, but he did see Mariah relaxing. He'd thought about what she'd said to him about physical affection and how much her hug earlier had helped him, but he wasn't ready to approach that with her on his own./p
p class="MsoNormal""Thank you for sitting with me," she broke the silence in low tones, "I think I can get back to sleep now."/p
p class="MsoNormal""No problem," Sebastian said getting up./p
p class="MsoNormal""I'm sorry for waking you. Hope you can get back to sleep okay," Mariah added as he made his way back over to the couch./p
p class="MsoNormal""No worries," he said, trying to sound reassuring, but he was very awake now and suspected it would take him a long time to fall asleep./p
p class="MsoNormal"He laid down and closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths to try and calm himself. To stop his mind from racing he tried to think of all of the characters he could list from Cave Saga X. He was going pretty strong but as it started to get more difficult his mind began to wander to his life and the current situation. Mariah's repeated words about how well he was managing were sticking out to him. em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"Thanks instincts from other me. I'm sure that's all you, because it sure as shit isn't me. I know you're in there and want to come out, and Yoba knows I want you to come out too. I can't believe it's only been two days. It feels like so much longer. I really wanted my life back when I woke up yesterday morning. I wanted to be twenty-four again, but if that can't happen this doesn't seem so bad. I'm overwhelmed and in all honesty, a bit scared. I'm really sick of not knowing what to do, but somehow I'm getting through it anyway? I know I only trust Mariah and feel as comfortable around her as I do because of whatever's inside that I can't reach. I may feel like I've lost myself, but maybe that's not a bad thing. /em/p
p class="MsoNormal"He was frustrated that he couldn't access it, but he wondered what his day to day life was really like. He tried to imagine it given the little information he had. They probably ate breakfast together. Or at least Mariah and Morgan would eat breakfast while he would have his coffee. It was a bit more difficult to imagine what would happen after that as he wasn't really sure what it all took to run a farm. But he could imagine him working in his office with the door open and hearing Mariah and Morgan playing together in the living room. And then coming out to make dinner together. Getting splashed on while giving Morgan a bath. Relaxing with Mariah after their daughter went to bed. Maybe playing games together. Cuddling in bed. He never would have pictured this type of life for himself but having it in front of him like this made it easier. It was foreign but not uncomfortable. It dawned on him that despite only knowing her a short period of time, he felt supported by Mariah. em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"Maybe other me was onto something. /em/p