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Shot 40 summary: Blooper reel and behind the scenes part 2! There's never a dull moment at the filming studio, where Valerie and Dan co-star as enemies but act like…something else…?
Warning: This chapter is self-aware that Danny Phantom is a show. Since Fanfiction does not like references to real people, "Butch Hartman" is known as "Hart Butchman" here. Also, there's sort of an AU plot in here. Somewhere.
Deliverance
Shot 40: Intermission: Blooper Reel and Behind the Scenes 2
Behind the Scenes (Security Camera 03)
"This is the fourth time you two have played hooky," Director Hart Butchman moaned, holding a cell phone to his ear as he paced inside his office at Hart Studios.
The phone shuffled and crackled, as if it were being reshouldered. A pained, moaning sound cut in. "Yeah," Valerie's stressed voice overlaid. "We're not gonna make it. I took Dan to the dentist, and the bastard needed like, twenty cavities filled."
Dan sat in the passenger seat of her car, an ice pack to the side of his face, which was still slightly swollen. He looked utterly miserable and drugged, his eyes half-lidded in horror. "Ngh," he moaned again as he leaned against the window. His hair didn't even flicker, but instead fell down to his shoulders in a listless waver.
Hart's face twisted. "What? You've gotta be kidding me. We have a fight scene to shoot today, and then Teen Magazine is supposed to interview you both for a cover story on Season 2."
"Well, the fight scene can suck it, and so can Teen Magazine." Valerie's voice was rough with worry. "I think his meds are taking longer to wear off."
Dan's voice was distorted. "I'm dead," he moaned. "I'm dead—why—teeth decay—?"
The phone pulled away, but not before Hart heard Valerie say, "Come on, let's get you home, okay?"
"—Feel my face," he whined.
"No, I'm not feeling your face."
"Don't like—geese."
"Yeah, me neither."
Behind the Scenes (Camera 02)
"Hmm." Within a study room inside the infamous Hart Studios, Dan was squinting at the latest script. "This can't possibly be right."
To his side, Valerie looked up from her own script. "What's that?"
"Page 13. I enter stage right, and I greet you."
The woman in red armor flipped through the script in curiosity. "Ah, Valerie," she mumbled through the line, eyebrows furrowed as she searched for the error. "My favorite…emu?"
Dan's lips stretched at her incredulous tone.
"The fuck is that?" she huffed, reading the line over. "A typo for 'enemy?'"
"I suppose so, but this could also be the writers' way of saying you're a bird brain."
She elbowed him hard, her eyes flashing.
"For the record," he declared, "You are my favorite emu."
"Don't you dare start."
"What? I am simply attempting to get into character as suggested by the writers."
"Well, they're stupid."
Dan raised a brow at that. "Or perhaps they have tapped into some universal consciousness in which you really are an emu."
Her beautiful face twisted. "I'm not a dumb bird. And that is definitely a typo."
He did not seem to be listening to her, the gears turning in his head. "Damn," he cursed merrily. "It's so catchy. I'm going to say it on accident. I'm going to say it."
For a time, Valerie thought he'd drop it. But then he swooped in. He gathered her up in his arms, squeezing tightly and spinning her around. "My favorite emu," he declared.
She yelled at him, her face squished hard against his chest. "Dammit, lemme go!"
"Absolutely not," he admonished. "Twenty years of knowing each other, and you never told me you were an emu."
She growled at him and fought to pull herself away from his strong arms. "Dammit, Dan—!"
Behind the Scenes (Camera 02)
"Okay," Valerie held the phone between her head and her shoulder, raising up a list to read off. "I need a large pepperoni pizza, an order of breadsticks, a medium supreme, and a large barbeque chicken pizza."
Suddenly, a baritone voice interrupted with a hum from a chair. "No," Dan murmured, looking over the menu. He ran his blue finger down the list of options. "No, not the barbeque chicken anymore."
"Okay, hold on the barbeque chicken," Valerie said into her phone, readjusting it. "And hold on while we figure out something else." She gave Dan a dirty look and whispered, covering the phone's speaker with her hand. "I'm already ordering, what gives?"
"I just decided I do not desire a barbeque chicken pizza," the ghost said petulantly. They were still in costume. It was nearly ten at night, with two more scenes to shoot before anyone could go home. "Give me a minute."
Valerie tapped her foot, raising a sculpted brow. "Anytime, slow poke."
His red eyes narrowed at the menu. "I shall try the Mediterranean instead."
She turned around and said into the phone. "Okay, instead of the barbeque chicken, we need a large Mediterranean—"
"—No, wait." Dan's voice was a snap of inspiration as he flicked his finger against the menu. "The Chicago classic deep dish. Yes. That is what I want."
"Uh, okay—so scratch that and put in a Chicago classic—"
"—Or maybe I really do want the Mediterranean," the ghost muttered to himself, biting his lip with a glimmering fang. His stomach growled harshly. "Yes, I think I do want that."
At that, Valerie's entire body tensed in irritation. "Excuse me for a second," she apologized to the confused boy taking her order, and then she lowered the phone. Her eyes narrowed to slits at Dan. "I am going to kick you."
The ghost gave her a wide-eyed look and then waved his gloved hand in the air. "What?"
"Tell me right now you want the Mediterranean."
"Yes, I want the Mediterranean."
"No more second guessing?"
His jaw set. "No more second guessing."
"Good." And then she sighed. "Okay, sorry about that. Let's stick with a large Mediterranean instead of the—"
"—On second thought," came a dark murmur. "I want both. Get me both."
The woman paused for a second, blinking. Then her eye twitched. She asked through gritted teeth, "…Mediterranean and Chicago classic?"
He flashed a signature, teasing smile. "Mediterranean and barbeque chicken," he clarified. "Come on, Valerie dear. Keep up with me."
For a second, she did nothing. And then she clenched her armored hand holding the phone, and her fingers cracked the phone's casing. "You little son of a—"
Just then, a wide-eyed looking Nathan barged into the room, holding his stomach and looking half-starved. "—Is someone still ordering pizza?"
Dan waved pleasantly to Valerie.
Nathan's face slacked in relief. "Oh, awesome. Can you get me a large Chicago classic deep dish?"
At that, the woman's armored fingers sliced into the phone, and electricity buzzed around her hand as the phone died. Her entire body quivered in anger, and her breath shuddered with irritation for a few, tense seconds. "Get it yourself," she snapped, and then she threw the phone at Dan, who turned intangible. The phone harmlessly flew through him and crashed against the wall. It broke into a dozen pieces.
Dan looked rather satisfied as he watched the woman stalk out of the room and shove past Nathan.
The supporting actor gave a wide-eyed look to Dan. "What's wrong with her?" he whispered, as if fearful she'd come back to attack them.
Dan huffed and waved a hand in the air in irritation. "She simply does not understand the divine inspiration of the stomach to dictate reality. As if no one's ever second-guessed their first choice, really."
Nathan's face twisted, pulling his fake coke-bottle glasses off his head to narrow his green eyes. "…You didn't happen to piss her off on purpose like always, did you?"
At that, Dan's elfin ears perked up, and some kind of demonic delight offset his irritation. "Now why on earth would I do that."
Behind the Scenes (Cameras 04 and 06)
Valerie paced off the side of a set, a phone to her ear. GHOST Gazette was on the phone. The journalist was a bubbly, curious woman who seemed to ask a lot of personal questions.
"So, how long have you known your co-star, Dan Masters?"
"Forever," Valerie said dryly. Sooner or later, the questions always came back to her and Dan.
"But I mean really—how long?"
She rubbed her templates. "Since I was four or so?"
"How adorable! And how did you two meet at such a young age, especially since the Ecto Housing Equality Act passed only ten years back?"
"Well…he lived down the street from me." It'd been a foster home. "The Shield split over our road, but he found a hole in it and crawled through." She still remembered the sight of him, all muddy and wet and cold, his red eyes glowing with a wild fear. His child body had been slim with malnutrition.
Dan had admitted only once to vague memories of being human and having a family. He remembered losing them in an explosion that only his consciousness survived, then being shipped off to Vlad Masters, a once-billionaire who'd nearly lost everything upon the government discovering he was half-ghost. Vlad had been desperate for a way to expunge his ghost powers. Dan had been his favorite test subject.
The Dan she'd first met had been suspicious and wild, careening between a scared child and a devious soul with a large vocabulary. He'd stolen her dinner.
The journalist said, "Oh, wow. So you two met on human lands?"
"Yep," Valerie said tightly. "Best friends ever since."
They'd thrown rocks at each other for a time. But then it turned into a game, and they slowly warmed up to each other to a point that not even Valerie's own father could not deny Dan. They'd hidden him several times from Vlad until the old man killed himself out of his insanity.
"So after 20 years of being best friends, have you ever seen Dan Masters as something more?"
Valerie immediately went on the defense. "Something more? Like what?"
"Oh. Well, you can't blame me for asking. He's very attractive for a ghost."
Her face began to flush in anger and embarrassment. "How many times do I have to tell you people? If you think he's attractive, that's your business. We're just friends. He's like mybrother."
She hung up the phone then, heart pounding. Although it was no longer illegal for ghosts and humans to be in intimate relationships, the only sort of relationship society accepted was the bubble-gum teen crushes from afar—not a serious, ongoing relationship. And it was Dan.
Just Dan.
"Rough magazine interview?" a smooth, baritone voice murmured into her ear.
Valerie jumped, eyes wide as she wheeled around to see Dan materialize, still snapping his cloak into place. "Jesus," she breathed. "Can you not do that?"
"No," he tilted his head. A draconic smile stretched his face. "Especially not when you are talking about me."
Her face burned red, and she pushed him away. "Then for the record, tell all your groupies to leave me alone and call you instead. The next time someone asks me about you, I'm telling them that you're having an affair with Nathan."
The absurdity of it made his face twitch. He fell silent out of shock, and then disgust began to set his face into a glare. "If you say that," he promised, "I'll set them straight and clarify that you are in a threesome with Hart and Kwan."
Valerie sputtered, then shoved him. "That's just gross."
He shoved back. "And me and Nathan isn't?" Before she could respond, he challenged, "Or perhaps I'll just tell them that you and I have a wild love affair offstage. That would be more than enough controversy for everyone. You know how I love to create conflict."
That damnable blush came back, and she gave him a terrible look. "I will kill you."
He raised a brow and said airily, "…I'd like to see you try."
Bloopers (Season 1)
Valerie's face twisted in hate as she raised a blaster. "How about you get a taste of my new blaster!" she called out, pulling the trigger.
Nothing happened.
Dan stood off to the side, arms crossed. He raised an eyebrow and said merrily, "Oh. I have a feeling I won't."
.
Valerie raised the blaster. "How about you get a taste of my new blaster!" she called out, pulling the trigger. This time, the gun lit up with energy.
Then it died.
The actress's face faulted as she pulled it back. "Dammit!"
.
Her voice was a little hoarse. "How about you get a taste of my new blaster!"
Dan suddenly streaked forward and wrenched the blaster out of her hands. "—I think I'd rather taste other things of yours," he murmured.
That jarred Valerie out of character, and her jaw dropped, her eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Say what?"
Then Dan tilted his head. "…That was my line," he said, as if to prompt her to continue.
"Uh, no it ain't," Valerie retorted. She pulled out a page of her script from one of her pockets and shoved it against his chest. "Read it and weep, Casanova."
He grabbed onto Valerie's script and read over his lines. "Hmm," he said. A few seconds later, he added in a mumble under his breath, "I'd rather taste your death. Nothing else from you will do." And then his face twisted again. "…That's not what I remember reading in my script."
Valerie raised a sculpted brow and put a hand on her hip, waving her blaster about. "Oh, sure. Blame it on the script."
And so he pulled out his script from offset and ran through the lines. His eyes narrowed to slits. His script was different from Valerie's, off by two or three different lines of dialogue—all of which carried a suggestive tone that then quickly snuck back to their usual, hateful banter. He'd assumed it was some strange form of humor.
"…A conspiracy is afoot," he declared, narrowing his eyes.
Behind the Scenes (Cameras 10 and 11)
Hart Butchman took one look outside the tent and moaned. "This was supposed to be just a cloudy day," he complained. "Perfect for our photoshoot. What happened? Why me?"
The cast and crew stood around in full costumes and arms full of equipment. Valerie looked the most pissed as she set down her blaster on a nearby table. "Can't we still shoot in the rain?" she complained. "I gave up sleeping in for this shit. We'll just look a little shinier."
"But my hair," Paulina stressed, holding onto the edges of her dark hair and looking for split ends. "It'll frizz, and then it'll go flat."
Nathan still had his coke bottle glasses on the top of his head to avoid wearing them when he didn't have to. He pulled them off to touch his own hair, which was naturally sleek and required a bit of work to get it into a stereotypically geeky configuration. "Actually, maybe that'd help me out," he murmured.
Behind it all stood a bored Dan, his cape fluttering in the damp wind about them. He was leaning against a tent pole, his eyes narrowed in on the sky in the distance. It seemed likely that it would pour for a while, muddying up the field…
He slid his eyes toward Valerie, who'd moved away from Hart to stare out at the field in irritation. Then he leaned down and dug his gloved fingers into the mud. "Valerie?" he called out to her.
She turned around. "Hm—?"
Splat.
A glob of mud exploded against her chest, the force pitching her backwards a few steps in shock. She didn't respond for a time. But then her eyes narrowed to playful slits. "Oh, no you didn't." She ran disgusted fingers down her front to catch the globs of mud splatters.
"I'm afraid I did," Dan said mildly. Then he blurred forward to attack again.
Valerie dive-bombed into a somersault, slamming against the mud and grabbing her own handful. She launched forward and threw it straight at Dan's face.
It splattered hard into his eye and hair, a noise of disgusted surprise escaping him.
And then all chaos broke loose.
"Mud fight!" Nathan cried, suddenly grabbing his own handful of mud and launching it at Valerie.
She laughed as he missed. Then she chucked a glob at him, which hit Paulina when he ducked.
The actress gasped, reaching shaking fingers up to her beautiful, black locks—now splattered with the mud of the earth. "You—!" In a fit of anger, she leaned down and threw mud at Valerie.
Others in the cast, including Dash and Ember and Kwan, began to laugh and join in.
Hart Butchman looked at his cast of highly qualified actors, now completely out of control. His jaw nearly dropped. "Oh my god." He raced forward, cupping a hand around his mouth. "Those costumes are expensive! Do any of you hear me? Stop this right now, or the cost is coming out of your paychecks!"
Suddenly, Dan appeared behind Hart Butchman and stuffed a handful of mud down his shirt, then wiped his muddy fingers across a nearby rolling camera, cackling madly.
Behind the Scenes (Camera 03)
Dan was lying on a couch in the break room, a newspaper over his face while he snored.
Valerie stalked in and stole the newspaper off his face, then whacked him. "Get up," she told him tiredly. "You're in my spot."
He cracked open one bloodshot eye and groaned, snuggling back into his cloak. "No."
"This is my couch."
His thin lips lazily stretched. "Mine now."
"Then scoot over. The only other couch has Kwan on it, and I'm sure as hell not sharing with him."
For a time, he did nothing. And then with an enduring groan, he pushed himself against the back of the couch. Valerie huffed and then leaned into the open space, stretching out to squish him further. He grumped at her and then grudgingly wrapped his cloak around her too, followed by his arm. Then he hid his nose in the warmth of her neck and quickly fell back asleep.
Valerie snuggled into the couch and the cloak wrapped around her, closing her eyes as if nothing were amiss with such an arrangement.
It was a half-hour before anyone found them. Nathan walked by to grab a coffee mug from the nearby break room, and he stopped, eyes widening at the sight before him. He froze in place, fearful that he would ruin his perfect chance.
Gently, very gently, he pulled out his phone and snapped a picture. "This is gold!" he whispered.
Bloopers (Season 1)
Valerie hung in chains, her skin shining with sweat, her hair in tangles.
A rather smug-looking Dan Phantom stood before her. He grabbed onto her curls and pulled her face close to his. "At last," he murmured as she winced and tried to fight against him. "I have you, right where I want you."
She shuddered out breaths, the cameras moving around them. "Maybe," she gasped, "but not for long." She jerked in her chains, her muscles straining against them.
He grabbed onto a sleek-looking knife from a nearby table. "You say you can withstand more pain than most. Shall we test the limits of this theory?" In a blur, he suddenly thrust the fake knife against her stomach, swiping it across her sweat-soaked shirt.
Her face twisted, and then she began to laugh. "Oh, stop!" she cried, her face twisting into chuckles. She tried to move away to protect her stomach. "Oh my god, that tickles."
Dan broke character with incredulity. "What do you mean, this tickles?" He ran the fake knife against her torso again, and a peal of giggles erupted from her.
"Yes!" she gasped, fully unable to collect herself as she laughed, leaning into the chains to hold her up.
"Hn." Dan turned around and cast the fake knife to the ground listlessly. He looked at the director with a quirked brow. "I knew torture scenes would be difficult, but I did not expect it for this reason. Were you expecting this?"
Hart was still a bit wide-eyed. "Uh, no. Cut, everyone! Let's try this again!"
Dan eyed his co-star standing helplessly chained while she fought to control her giggles and calm down. "On second thought," he said, baritone voice rumbling, "you will beg me for mercy." And then he grabbed for her, digging his fingers into her sides and racing them across her ribs.
A peal of laughter and shock erupted from the chained woman, her teal eyes squeezing shut. "Oh my god, s-stop." She yelped, desperately trying to jerk away from him. "Help! Help! I'm being tickled to death. Stop! Please, stop!"
"No," Dan murmured in sadistic pleasure as she squirmed. "This is for breaking my phone a week ago."
Off set, Nathan looked up from his book, eyebrow raised at the increasing decibel of Valerie's laughter turned yelps. "…You know," he called to the director, who was still sitting in shock not too far away, "this is almost painful enough to include in the show."
Hart sighed and then leaned forward, resting his head on his arms.
Blooper Reel (Season 1)
Valerie stared at the blaster that had fallen from her hands, and she reached for it desperately, her fingers shaking. She was dirty with blood and sweat. "Gotta," she breathed, heart pounding, "use the force…" She stretched her arm out harder.
Hart yelled, "Cut!" And then he complained, waving his hand in the air. "Valerie, this isn't Star Wars. The force doesn't exist. You are not a Jedi warrior."
She collapsed down, tired from half-holding herself up. "I should be," she whined. "How cool would it be if the Red Huntress could just control stuff with her mind?" She reached out mindlessly to the blaster again.
And then it began to quiver, and it swooshed back into her grip.
She grabbed onto it, her teal eyes wide.
Hart's jaw dropped.
Dan materialized, holding a glowing hand out. "You are all ridiculous," he declared. "Everyone knows that ghosts were the original Jedi warriors."
Blooper Reel (Season 1 Finale)
Kwan ordered his assistants around in a flurry of terror, leaning over an injured Valerie Gray. She was limp on the table, bleeding from gashes over her heart. He was cutting away her battle suit. "Come on," he begged her. "Come on, sweetheart—stay with me." One of the assistants pulled an oxygen mask over Valerie's pale face while another kept pressure on her wounds.
"Her heart rate's dropping," a nurse said hurriedly as she stared up at the screen, preparing an IV.
"Then put some epinephrine in that IV," Kwan demanded, pulling away the arm of her suit now to get at a vein. She was entirely limp, her breath shallow. He wiped some alcohol against her skin. "Come on, Valerie. Stay with me."
The nurse handed the IV needle over to Kwan, who began to move it toward Valerie.
And then Valerie's half-lidded eyes snapped open, and she flinched. In a fluid, quick movement, she pulled the oxygen mask off and cried, "What the hell? Is that a real needle?"
Kwan faltered, breaking character as he held the needle poised above her. "Uh…" He blinked. "You're supposed to be dying."
"I'm not actually fucking dying here," she hissed, staring at the needle in great distrust. "That looks real."
"Oh for the love of—Cut! Everybody cut." Hart slapped his forehead. "Valerie. It's a fake needle that retracts. We talked about this."
"No, we didn't," she retorted, sitting up on the examination table. Pockets of fake blood slipped off of her as she worked to clip the front of her battle suit back together. She looked like a victim from a slasher movie. "You said it would be plastic; that thing looks metal. You lied." She narrowed her eyes, fake blood trailing down her chin.
Hart gaped at her. "What's the difference?"
Dan materialized by the director. "You see, Hart," he said airily, "Valerie has always maintained a fear of needles due to a traumatic childhood event. She has to be coached through these things."
The director blinked. "So let me get this straight. She'll fly on a jet sled with nothing between her and death except for some flimsy technology, but she's afraid of needles?"
"Basically, yes."
Hart moaned. "This should have been in the contract somewhere."
Valerie huffed. "Excuse me? Did Mr. Ravager of Worlds have to include in his contract that he's allergic to strawberries?"
Dan suddenly spun around, eyes lighting hot with anger. "…That was a secret, dammit."
"And so was my fear of needles, idiot!"
Behind the Scenes (Camera 06)
"What if," Dan asked, waving his spoon of vanilla ice cream in the air, "we are actually victims inside some kind of quantum multiverse in which various versions of ourselves live out completely different lives?"
Valerie licked her ice cream cone of mint chocolate chip, raising a brow. They were on lunch break. "What brought this on?"
"I woke up with the strange feeling that perhaps in some world, we were really were enemies."
The human woman snorted. "You think of weird shit sometimes."
"I am being serious."
"So am I." She kicked his foot lightly. "Even if a multiverse really existed, I don't think we'd be enemies."
Dan paused at that. "Even if I were as evil as my character on the show?"
She hummed as she licked her ice cream cone, savoring the flavor. Then she eyed him with some kind of mischief. "Given your theory, hot shot, who's to say I wouldn't be the evil one in your multiverse?"
His lips stretched wide the more he thought about it. "Ooh, touché. There would have to be at leastone world like that. You would be an absolute devil if you were evil."
She poked his chest. "And you'd probably be an opera singer or something, with that Ghostly Wail of yours."
Dan's brow quirked darkly. "Are you making fun of my abilities?"
"…It's a stupid name for a power, and you know it. The first time I heard it, I thought you meant, like, an animal whale. I thought giant whales were gonna shoot out of your mouth."
At that, the powerful ghost scoffed in defense. "Killer whales are my spirit animal, you know. The title of the power is a play on words." Something in his face suggested his mind was racing in some attempt to redeem his creative license.
Valerie gave him a flat look, not buying it. "Killer whales are actually dolphins."
"…Shut up. Don't ruin this for me."
Behind the Scenes (Camera 03)
Hart Butchman sat at his office desk, staring down at a piece of paper with incredulity. He held a phone to his ear.
"This is Universal Fitness, your health equipment needs supplier," a chipper, male voice said. "My name is Mike. How can I help you?"
"Hi, Mike. It's Hart again." He lowered the paper to rub his temples. "Listen, I've got a bit of an odd request."
"Sure, no problem, Hart. You know we do special requests."
"Well, I got an individual here who's not quite…human. I need him to bulk a little more muscle on, which means we need exercise equipment that could actually challenge him."
Mike on the line went a little silent. "…Okay? What do you need, then?"
"I discovered he can pick up a military grade tank," Hart said, voice strained. "Research says they're about 84 tons nowadays. That's what the new trainer's suggesting to increase his muscle bulk. Can you provide weightlifting equipment that heavy?"
The phone line remained silent. Then Mike stuttered, "…84 tons?"
"That's right. 84 tons."
"That he can just…pick up? By himself?"
"You got it."
"Holy shit, man." Mike's voice had dropped into something like awe. "I dunno if we can swing that—but I'll, uh, I'll check."
Just before the phone hung up, Hart heard the representative shout to his colleagues, "Superman exists after all! Everyone, pay up!"
Behind the Scenes (Camera 09)
The photographer kneeled down, angling the camera up. "Alright, now turn back to back—there you go—and look toward me." A white screen was behind them, with various lights and fans around them. Valerie's hair blew into Dan's flickering strands as their faces edged close together. "Now give me a hard look, both of you." The photographer smiled, snapping away. "Perfect, perfect."
The instant he stood up, Valerie's lips tightened and she whispered, "How do we make it stop?"
Dan's breath was a cool breeze, his voice hardy a whisper, "If we kill him, they'll just get another one."
She huffed to hide an incredulous snort. "So no escape plan?"
"Not without a lawsuit. Best to endure."
The photographer was flipping through the photos. "Okay, guys," he said. "Almost done. These are gonna be great for the season 2 promo. Valerie lift up that gun. Dan, you got some green to shine, man?"
As Valerie raised an arm cannon and it whined up, its lights flickering red, Dan activated his powers, his hands glowing bright.
"Ah, beautiful. Hold that pose for me." He took several more photos, then lowered his camera and grabbed onto a list. "Now the last thing we need to do is…a love shot?"
"…What?" Valerie said quickly. A nervous blush immediately tinged her face. "B-but, that doesn't even make sense!"
On the handwritten list from Hart, in an exact copy of Hart's handwriting, was the note: Phantom kissing the Red Huntress, her fingers intertwined in his hair.
Dan's face twitched. He stalked forward and grabbed onto the list, then analyzed the handwriting. "…Why do I feel like this is Nathan's doing."
Behind the Scenes (Camera 13)
Dan stood in the middle of the device, wearing only dark gym shorts and tennis shoes. His muscles strained, his veins bulging in his arms as he resisted against the heavy chains rolling out from the pulleys. His face twisted with determination, and he pulled harder. Slowly, the platforms on each side of him holding a military-grade tank began to rise.
He leaned forward, straining against the pulleys. A grunt escaped him as his feet slid against the floor. Then his entire back muscles flexed as he forced his entire body into it. His power core began to rev up, and his glow brightened into sweat that broke out across his temples.
"These are," he breathed, "heavier."
The new fitness trainer, a tall and lithe man of Spanish descent, stood back with his arms crossed. "You're leaning to the right," he said, his voice slightly accented. His dark eyes narrowed n thought. "Place your feet a little farther forward—ah, yes. There you go."
"Fuck you," the ghost said breathlessly. "You can't even lift a f-fraction of this."
The trainer simply smiled. "Physical training means meeting people at their unique, individual needs."
Around that time, one Valerie Gray entered the gym for her own training session. Her eyebrows flew up at the sight of Dan raising tanks through some kind of contraption. She'd seen him lift a military tank before, but she supposed the sight was still a bit impressive. Then her eyebrows flew up a little higher at the Spanish fitness trainer, whom she'd never seen. "Damn," she said, not realizing she'd spoken aloud.
At her voice, Dan's face lifted up, still in a grimace. For a time, some kind of hope went through him that Valerie was in awe of his physical prowess. But then he noticed that she was staring at the Spanish trainer—who seemed to catch her fancy. He face-faulted.
"Ah, Miss Valerie Gray," said the trainer, turning around to greet her. His dark face split into a wide smile. His teeth were pure white. "I've been waiting to meet you."
"…You have?"
"Yes, yes," he said. "My name is Felipe. I am the new fitness trainer for you and others on the show." He waved a hand. "Mr. Butchman says we have to get you ready for a more physically intensive season."
Valerie smiled. She didn't realize she had stars in her eyes. "A new trainer?" she repeated, her voice lifting with excitement. The other one had been a leathery old woman with no personality. At least this one was a man in his prime with an attractive body. "Oh man, we've been needing one for weeks."
"And here I am," Felipe said. He reached out for her. "Now, I have some things I'd like to discuss with you first about your current endurance levels before we begin to…explore new exercise regimes."
The instant he saw the trainer put an arm around Valerie, Dan growled and loosed his hands from the pulleys. Suddenly, several tons of pure metal slammed back to the ground, rumbling the entire building and knocking both the trainer and Valerie to the floor with a yelp.
"Oh, damn," he said breathlessly, tone flat. "My hands slipped."
To Dan's irritation, the new trainer landed on top of Valerie, who seemed less disgusted and more delighted by the closeness of her face to his. She let out a dumb giggle that Dan knew meant she'd found her next date.
"I'm terribly sorry," the trainer said, although he was reluctant to get up.
"Don't be," Valerie flashed an alluring expression to him.
Dan face-faulted again, looking down breathlessly at the tons of metal he'd managed to lift. He knew only one thing in that moment.
The new trainer needed to die.
Behind the Scenes (Camera 04)
Dan passed the bucket of popcorn to Valerie while they stared up at the TV. "On the next episode of Enemy," said the male narrator, "the Red Huntress makes a decision to attack Phantom on his own grounds."
Valerie's voice cut in as she appeared on screen, running a hand through her ringlet curls in worry. "I have to find his lair," she said to Paulina. "If I can destroy that, it'll cut his power in half."
The narrator continued, "But Phantom has other plans."
A dark shadow appeared on screen behind Valerie while she ducked behind a dilapidated building. He murmured, his voice an echoing hiss, "you think you know my weakness, but you should be worried about your own."
The scene changed to a close-up of Valerie. Her sweating face paled, slacking in terror as she suddenly reached out. "No, no—Kwan!"
Her scream echoed as the screen went dark, then began to bleed into a standard series image of Valerie and Dan rushing toward each other in a fight. "Enemy," the narrator concluded. "Tune in on Thursdays, 9/8 central."
Dan's face twisted. His voice was muffled through the handful of popcorn in his mouth. "Our commercials suck."
"…Yep."
"Who the hell are the writers for this?"
Valerie raised a brow and dropped her hand in the popcorn bucket again. "The same ones that called me emu."
"Ah, yes. What was I thinking, getting my hopes up."
Behind the Scenes (Camera 17)
"Here's your cards, sir," Nathan said, looking innocent.
"Ah, thank you." The narrator for the show's promo videos and season trailers was an old man with a deep voice. He cleared his throat and leaned into the mic. "On the next episode of Enemy, the Red Huntress struggles with increasing lust and affection for the very enemy she fights against."
And then Hart's face twisted. "…What?" He looked down at his own copy of the narration script just to make sure his ears weren't deceiving him. Then, his blue eyes narrowed to slits. "Nathan!"
The man in question sunk down behind a camera and disappeared.
Behind the Scenes (Camera 13)
Valerie lay on the floor of the gym, limbs spread out and eyes dazed. "I can't move," she moaned. Her legs twitched.
Beside her, Dan lay, his hair flickering into her sweaty curls. "Ngh," he complained. "Too much." His back and arms felt broken from the military-tank torture machine that the trainer had devised for him.
"I don't…like this new trainer. Anymore." He'd made her run miles and miles, then complete several core workouts, and then do more running...
"Ngh."
"We gotta take him out."
Dan moaned and by some miracle managed speech. "…Requires energy." His bare chest rose with a deep inhale, only for him to wince as his muscles squeezed when he breathed out. Sweat poured down his temples and chest.
For a time, they both lay there together in full misery, struggling to breathe.
"Why," Valerie complained, "do we gotta be in perfect shape?" She tried to lift her leg, only for her sneaker to squeak against the wooden floor as her foot slid back down. "Can't we just watch our bread intake and run a mile everyday like normal people?"
With great expenditure, Dan raised his large hand and planted it over Valerie's flat stomach. "One word," he said. "Fan service."
"…That's two words." She didn't move from his touch.
He moaned in complaint and fell silent.
Then Valerie realized that Dan was still far cooler than she was, and she grabbed onto his hand. A lightbulb went off in her hazed brain. She turned on her side and scooted close to him, trying to cool down.
A whine escaped him. "Get away. You're all hot and sweaty."
"Make me," she said petulantly.
He didn't.
Behind the Scenes (Camera 03)
Valerie giggled as she read through the script. She was lying on her back, her legs propped up against the couch's side.
Atop the couch, Dan turned from his script. "What?"
"I don't think this went through editorial—or if it did, they sucked." She flipped through the pages. "Check it out. Page 10."
He flipped to it in curiosity. "What did they screw up this time…" And it was there he found it. Supposedly, it was one of his own lines.
An: Did you honestly think you could defeat me so easily?
"…An?" he repeated. "They misspelled my name as An? How disconcerting."
"So now you're either a woman or an article adjective," Valerie said. She smiled cheekily from the floor and waved up. "Hi, An!"
He growled at her, disgruntled, and he nudged her with the edge of his boot. "Stop that, emu. Or I shall have to find you a cage appropriate for your species."
She carelessly tossed her script aside and waved at herself in a challenge. Her eyebrow quirked. "Hey, I took English. I can take on a part of speech any day, including article adjectives."
He simply crossed his arms. "How about an ergative verb?"
"…A what?"
"Exactly." He shined his gloved fingers on his broad chest. "Your emu brain simply cannot keep up with my grammatical prowess."
.
It was later, after she'd huffed indignantly and tried to tackle him off the couch, that she saw on a whiteboard in the break room, boasting Dan's stark handwriting: Article Adjective: 1. Emu: 0.
Her eyes narrowed. "Oh. Keeping count now?"
"As a matter of fact," a disembodied voice murmured to her, "yes."
She steeled herself against the odd flutter in her stomach at his cool breath against her ear. "Then get ready," she said. "Because Emu is gonna kick Article Adjective's ass."
Dan materialized beside her and tilted his head. His thin lips stretched. "Challenge accepted."
Behind the Scenes (Security Camera 03)
Nathan hummed merrily as he checked his phone once, then twice. A conniving little smile stretched his lips as time passed. He was leaning against a wall of the set outside Hart's office, wearing street clothes and a black fedora.
It was after hours. The director opened up his office door, and he peeked his head out, looked both ways in paranoia, then waved Nathan over. "Hurry up," he whispered sharply.
Nathan kicked off the wall and laughed, the deeper tone of his natural voice a pleasant echo. "There's no one here, Hart. What are you worried about?"
"A lawsuit," Hart huffed. Then he grabbed onto Nathan's dark sleeve and forcibly dragged him into the office.
The boy's green eyes widened as he nearly tripped. "Careful, man," he warned as the door shut behind him. He cradled his phone. "I'm holding the future here."
"Did you set it up?" the director asked nervously.
Nathan nodded. Then he pulled off his fedora and set it on Hart's desk. "You better believe it."
"And the results? Activity?"
The actor smiled. "Soaring."
He turned his phone upside and lit the screen. Immediately, a webpage opened up, with a title in big, block letters: DARK GRAY. Blurring the lines to hell. There were a few photos taken on set—one during mid-season 1 when Phantom and the Red Huntress had teamed up temporarily to defeat another ghost, Nocturne. They stood back to back, Phantom's hands glowing green, the Huntress's arms raised up, shooting red blasters. The other picture was a candid shot. Dan had backed Valerie against a wall, his palms flat against the bricks around her shoulders. But Dan had messed up his line, and Valerie had laughed, patting his face. In that blip of a second, as her fingers slipped down his face, Dan fully broke character, his eyes softening in delight. And Nathan had snapped a photo.
The director took the phone from Nathan, scrolling through the site. It included a brief explanation of the show, a forum to discuss various Dark Gray topics, and a fanfiction and fanart archive dedicated to the relationship. "And how long have you had this up?"
"Since last night."
Already, the website had achieved over 1,000 hits, with nearly a hundred registered members. People were posting on the forums, and Hart searched through in curiosity. "Would you look at that."
Nathan pointed to the screen. "There's even a Valerie/Kwan bashing forum complete with angry rants. It's official. I brought to life a safe haven for your largest hidden target audience. You should really read the rants. Some of them are pretty intelligent, down to a psychoanalysis of why Kwan and Valerie would never really work."
Hart narrowed his eyes. "Ah, but look at this—Someone wrote about their fears for the show if Dan/Valerie became canon. See?"
"The post's got some good advice if you wanted to make it canon." He grabbed the phone back. "And check this out." He swiped down to the bottom of the site. "The Ecto Equality Group endorsed this, along with the Human-Ecto-American Rights Organization."
"HEARO endorsed this?" the director repeated dumbly. "But they said they didn't like the show!"
Nathan rolled his eyes. "Yeah, before anyone suggested that a ghost/human relationship was possible on TV."
"What about blocks? Censorship requests from any states or countries?"
"No blocks yet," the actor said. "Except for a few blocks I put on some, uh, mature drawings in the fanart area."
Hart hesitated. He mulled over the information for a time, his face still in a twist of shock. He was watching the numbers climb as he stood there. "…Let's not show the team this website. Keep it running. This season will have Kwan and Valerie experiencing difficulties—I'll let the writers figure it out. We'll throw in some teaser content to test the waters."
Suddenly, a brilliant smile stretched Nathan's face. "That's the spirit, Hart. You won't regret this when we're all rich."
A/N: So this is, like, the weirdest miniseries in the whole collection. What is this mess that comes out of my head after a long work week. As a quick plug, Margot-Eve wrote a short fanfiction based off the first Blooper/BTS installment! Please go to Margot-Eve's profile to read The Fan Video (and other Dan/Val stories)!
About ghostly whales: I looked up some info on killer whales (orcas) and discovered something fun. According to Encyclopedia Britannica, the orca gets its name from "Orcus," the Roman god of death and the underworld who was also known for being a punisher. Other sources mention that indigenous groups in North America called the orca "skana," meaning "killer demon," and "polossatik," meaning "feared one." Couple that reputation with the orca's white and black colorings, and I think you have a viable spirit animal for one Dan Phantom.
And dammit, the more of these I write, the more the bloopers almost take on a plot…
Please review with your thoughts, ideas, requests, constructive criticisms! And what would you like to see next? A Karma update, or an entirely new storyline?
