Game of Thrones Tales: Lannister Family Values
Summary: In an alternative universe, King Robert calls on a different old friend and brother to assist him. But whose decency, kindness, and sense of honor, while a bit different from Ned Stark's are equally strong. But are the family values of House Addams a match for the ruthless Lannisters?
Part VI…
Swampflood courtyard…Where the royal procession continued…Even as Lady Addams continued to put the fear of the Gods into the knights and soldiers of the guard not required to join the reception line. Even those in the line still marching in place in terror of her reprimands.
"Queen Cersei…" Gomez bowed as Cersei, on her twin brother Jamie's arm passed, extending hand to be kissed. "An honor to have you…" he kissed hand.
She giving eager look…Really…? Jamie sighing, rolling eyes.
"…in my home."
Oh…? Lewd smile…
"…Sleeping with your husband, together."
Oh.
"How's your usual raging PMS by the way? I believe King Robert noted you were firmly in its grip."
"Barely under control, but thanks for reminding me…" she glared.
"And this must be your son, Robert's heir who bears him no resemblance whatsoever, Prince Joffrey…" Lord Gomez, smiling at Joffrey who, now beginning to recover from oil splattering and the general horror of a week's slog through the swamplands while being constantly berated by his father and alternately smothered and berated by his mom, was resuming his normal persona of arrogant sneering jackass alternating with sniveling, attention-starved, father-worshipping twit.
"Fine boggy shithole of a place you have here, Lord Addams." Sneer. "When I am King, I'll have it burned to the ground, your women raped, your sons beheaded, your people tortured to death, if there's the slightest question of your loyalty. And I might just do it anyway for kicks…To prove I'm my father's son in my twisted craving for his approval."
"Nice to know we'll have the same firm government your father's brought to the land, my Prince." Lord Addams nodded.
"My father will be running things of course…So no need to worry about my little nephew Caligula here beyond a certain degree of mass murder till Dad can take the reins. How are you, distant cousin?" The rich voice coming from the next figure in the royal line-up, the only in-law Robert could tolerate, owing to his rapier, ribald wit and their joint loathing for and ability to piss-off Queen Cersei, Tyrion Lannister, the more diminutive member of the Lannister clan.
"Tyrion…Good ole Cousin Imp…" Gomez, jovially shaking hands. "So glad you could tear yourself away from those entrancing sewers and cisterns of Casterly Rock…"
"And the whores, Cousin Gomez…Do not forget the whores…" Tyrion wagged finger. "The unemployment rate in Lannisterport is up 62% while I'm away."
"Someone mention whores?! Where are they?!" King Robert's bellowing voice from the end of the line, where he was now engaged in trying to find a chair capable of sustaining his bulk.
"On their way as we speak, Bob!" Gomez cheerily called. "Just hoping most don't drown in the bogs getting here."
"Good! Cause Gods know I need a decent fuck after being trapped with this bitch of mine for a week on the road!" Robert called back.
Cersei grimacing…
"That would be a tragedy…" Tyrion nodded to Addams, shaking head.
Joffrey having managed a reasonable degree of grace in accepting Lady Morticia's greeting had moved on to Lord Pugsly.
"You are the most disgustingly fat blob of a turd I've ever seen, you red-faced, vomitous pustule." he addressed Pugsly. "And I bet I could take you in thirty seconds if I held steel in my hand…And my guard here, the hideously deformed Airdale…" he turned to Ser Cyst de la Boil, his bodyguard and famed knightly hit man. "…Was ready to stab you in the back."
"F-you, prick. Your Highness." Pugsly, glaring. Joffrey backing away in sniveling terror, hiding behind his huge guard.
"Ser Cyst?! Carve this fat side of pork into bacon for the pigs to eat as a kind of ironic revenge for their kind!" Joffrey fumed.
"Sir…Highness…" the Airdale sighed. "This is a goodwill visit, no killing allowed except in case they try to kill you. And King Robert says to let them have a good crack."
"Dog! Airdale!" Joffrey fumed. "I gave you an…" he looked over and saw Wednesday in line, following the line of Stark boys, each one a candidate for immediate hanging or burning when he took the throne…
(Cue romantic love music…Your choice…)
"Who the dickens is that angel, Airdale?" he turned to the Airdale who looked over. "You mean that treacherous son of a former traitor and current hostage of the Starks, your Highness?"
"Oh…I thought the one in black with the dead eyes and flat, unglossy hair was a girl…" Joffrey sighed. "Perhaps I am gay after all…" he brightened. "Father's always saying that would be a distinct improvement…"
"Oh, that one…" the Airdale nodded. "That's Wednesday Addams, daughter of the House. Kinda a runtier version of that spunky Stark girl, in my opinion."
"Shut up, dog…And guide me to her ravishing self…" Joffrey insisted. "I'll have you assassinated after the wedding, lardball." He noted to Pugsly who hissed at him… Causing him to back away in terror.
"Robbed Stark…" Cersei had reached Robbed in the line. "So phonily sorry to hear of your parents' tragic demise. If you're ever lonely in that big dark ole keep of Winterfalls, don't hesitate to send for me."
"Your Grace…" Robbed bowed. "Your sincere compassion for me and my family ensures that we will continue our tradition of foolishly trusting you and yours to keep your solemn oaths and pledges."
"I can take you…" "I can take you…" "I can take…No, don't…Please…Pleasee…" Joffrey, addressing each of the Starks in turn but backing away from young Ricketts as Ricketts innocently offered him a hand as he stumbled in the mire.
"Hey there, beautiful." Joffrey, having reached a frowning Wednesday.
"Get lost, fuckface…Your Highness. I heard you talking to my brother." She glared.
"Oh, that was just boyish camaraderie, my lady." He noted. "Please, accept this jeweled dagger I stole from some old biddy at court last week as a pledge of my heart…" he offered dagger, even deigning to turn the handle her way. "…Or you can have my Airdale here as your personal slave for life. Whatever you prefer."
"I don't want anything from you, turd. Your Highness." She curtsied.
"Your voice is like the delicate song of angels upon a field of pure gold…" he noted.
"Aren't you supposed to marry Sansa Stark?" she frowned
"Yeah, but she's so lame…I want you." He hissed. "I can have her killed after the wedding once I secure her lands and bannerpeople. I mean, of course after I first crush her brothers in a civil war if I can't get them assassinated beforehand."
"I'm marrying Ser Lotus Markwell." She sniffed.
"Oh, great…I won't even have to have him killed before the wedding." Joffrey beamed. "He won't mind us fooling round…Though once Sansa's dead, he croaks."
"He's a great and noble knight and you're a pussy." She glared. "Get away from me or I'll have my swamp thing get you. And if you think a Stark direwolf is bad…"
"You'll come round…After I become King and torture your family…" Joffrey, confidently. "Given Lotus is gay, I can wait. You'll still be a virgin."
"Piss off, turd-face! Your Highness." Wednesday curtsied again, but her eyes were on Ser Lotus standing with the Kingsguard…And eyeing Jamie Lannister desperately.
"Idiot!" Cersei had come back to pull at Joffrey, taking him aside a moment. "You're to marry Sansa Stark and seize her lands. Forget Wednesday Addams, at least till we deal with the Starks. Though you'll probably then have to marry Margaery Anne Boleyn, of the South's Boleyn House to secure their alliance."
"But Mother…I want Wednesday…!" Joffrey insisted. "Can't I at least take her and ravish her, then discard her after a few years as my mistress? Though a Cleopatra like that…I probably would never discard." He gazed fondly back at the Wednesday now waving to Ser Lotus.
"Oh…Ravish?" Cersei shrugged. "Sure, if and when you can manage it. I don't know about the mistress thing. Your grandfather is rather strict about such things and he'll be at court after your father croaks and you take the throne."
"I don't need Grandfather to run my kingdom for me…" Joffrey began…Fuming as his mother chuckled.
"Right…" she laughed.
"One day…When I'm King. No one is going to tell me what to do! Except Wednesday, if she wants." He raged.
"Oh, shut up, you twit." Cersei sneered. "I adore you as my widdle cuddkins first baby but your 'father' is so right about you." She moved on, resuming line.
"Had to fix his hair…You know how kids are." She noted to the waiting Ser Arnold.
Well…Hello…She beamed at his handsome physique. He nervously ignoring her appraising stare, maintaining quiet dignified attention, while still running in place, feeling Lady Addams' gimlet eye upon him.
"Your sister has an eye for a beautiful piece of man…" Ser Lotus, fondly to Jamie who sighed.
"And a habit of crying out, 'Oh, gods Robert, do it, do it now, give it to me, Robert, my King, my only!'…" he noted.
"Really?…I've done that myself a few times when alone at night…" Ser Lotus noted.
….
The formalities over, King Robert had requested Lord Gomez join him in visiting the tomb of Gomez' late and at least by Robert, endlessly remembered, lamented, and fantasized about, sister, Cecily Addams. Dead since the great Rebellion that had put Robert on the throne.
"Why'd you stick her in here?" Robert sighed, looking round the dank, gloomy, rat-infested crypt.
"Well, tradition, old sport. And if we'd buried her in the swamp, she'd be constantly bobbing up in rather a putrid state."
"Right. Point taken…" Robert eyed the carved likeness. "There she is…Beautiful as ever…"
"Actually she's one over, old fellow…That's my grandmother, Lucretia Addams, the one who was flayed to death for poisoning her husbands. Though she did look good after loosing all that weight." Gomez beamed at the image.
"Right…There she is…So lovely. What's that in her hand?" Robert eyed the stone hand which held what appeared to be a piece of wood or iron, carved in the stone.
"Oh, that…Well…You know the legends about Cecily being a Slayer of Vampires…" Gomez shrugged. "It was even said that it wasn't Raging Targaryen who killed her but one of her undead foes…And that he was just making sure she wouldn't rise from the dead when he was forced to flee her bedside after the capital fell. Just before he ran into you…" he eyed Robert.
"When I carved him into four packages and had them all hand delivered to his crazy father, the Mad King, yeah." Robert nodded. "But that's all legend and myth about the Slayer thing, right?"
"I don't know, Bob. Cecily was up to some strange things when we were kids. I never quite knew what to believe. And there were those bite marks on her corpse…"
"Where Targaryen bit her, while ravishing her…I've done it myself, guys do that in the heat of passion." Robert grimly shook head. "I still relish the thought of how I carved him up as he pleaded for mercy, insisting there was nothing between him and Cecily, he'd just been helping her save the Kingdoms from the Vampire menace when they bit his father and drove him mad."
"Now that I don't buy…Aerys II was nuts from day one." Gomez noted.
"Exactly…All lies, Raging's stock in trade…He and his whole damned family deserved all they got."
"Well...Bob...Was a bit much, the kids and Raging's wife being ravished, then cut up by Lannister's goons." Gomez, carefully.
"Eh…Fortunes of war. It's what you do when you're a medieval King, part of the operating manual…Kill potential rivals of the enemy's side." Robert noted. "Still I would have spared the kids and kept them under lock and key in the dungeons where they could have suffered a slow and agonizing death…I suppose it is a shame when you look at it that way. Though I can't say I'm happy the Queen and two of her brats escaped to Essos. The kids are still alive you know…Little bastards. I'll have to deal with them before I croak. That panty-waisted son of mine will never manage it."
"Well, I'm sure you will, if necessary…And Joffrey shows more promise each time I see him."
"Eh…" Robert waved a hand. "But I didn't want to just see Cecily's rotting remains, Gomez, I think you know that. I've come here to seek your help in saving my kingdom…Your Kingdom."
"I did suspect something of the kind, Bob." Gomez nodded. "What's up…The Targaryen kids making trouble already?"
"Besides me underutilized penis?" Robert noted. "Well…The Targaryen brats can sit, actually, for now. I have troubles closer to home."
Much closer…He noted to Addams. "And while I had hoped to have both you and Ned Stark by my sides as the two new Hands of the King, since Ned was silly enough to get his foolishly naïve if honorable self killed, I'll obviously have to settle for just one unless I want to bring Ned's severed hand along, for ole times' sake…"
"Me, Bob? I'm no politician." Gomez shook head.
"I don't need a politician, Lord Addams. I need a loyal friend who'll stand by me but take none of my bullshit. I need you, Lord Hand. The kingdom needs Gomez Addams!"
