Well, I died. I was run over by a truck. It happened in the middle of a parking lot. Like, what the fuck was the guy doing going that fast? Fuck you, truck driver.

Now, I'm floating in a black void. So, I guess I was wrong; there is an afterlife. And it sucks. I wonder if this is what happens when everyone dies, or if I'm getting the atheist special or something.

ACTUALLY, YOU ARE GETTING SOMETHING PRETTY UNIQUE. I'VE DIVERTED YOUR SOUL FROM ITS NATURAL PATH AND BROUGHT YOU HERE; I'VE GOT AN OFFER FOR YOU.

"Wah!" I flail around, trying to look all around for whoever spoke, but it is just uniform black wherever I look.

CALM DOWN. NOW, I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO BE REINCARNATED IN ANOTHER WORLD. ONE WHICH WAS REPRESENTED BY A WORK OF FICTION IN YOUR WORLD.

Oh, that is so cliched.

WELL, IF YOU DON'T WANT IT...

"No! I want it. I definitely want to not be dead anymore," I say, quickly.

GOOD. NOW, THERE ARE RULES THAT GOVERN REINCARNATION. THE BETTER YOU LIVED YOUR PREVIOUS LIFE, THE BETTER YOUR NEW LIFE CAN BE.

NOW, YOU WEREN'T AN EXCEPTIONAL PERSON BY ANY MEASURE. YOU BARELY EVEN HAD ANY IMPACT ON ANYONE ELSE'S LIFE. HOWEVER, THE WORLD I'M SENDING YOU TO IS REALLY DANGEROUS, SO YOU HAVE SOME WIGGLE ROOM FOR SQUEEZING SOME BENEFITS OUT OF YOUR KARMA POINTS.

AND, YES, I'M SERIOUS ABOUT THE KARMA POINTS. I'M PUTTING EVERYTHING INTO NUMBERS TO MAKE IT EASIER FOR YOU.

"Okay," I say, "what world am I going to?"

NARUTO.

"Cool, cool," I say, uneasily. Yeah, this is dangerous. "So, what are my options?"

Suddenly, I am holding a tablet computer that has a character building program loaded up on it. I start with 1000 points, and I can buy things to customize my new life. There are also drawbacks I can use to get more points. I have to try real hard not to think that this is cliche again.

I start by choosing my home village, and I pick Konoha.

Ever since I read a fanfiction one time where Naruto got the Dead Bone Pulse, I've always felt that that bloodline really synergizes well with the Uzumaki bloodline, so, the first thing I do is buy both bloodlines. And, boy, that is expensive.

Then I choose what age I want to start at. Apparently, the default is that I would regain my memories at age 10, just before getting a jounin sensei. I can pay to start older, or I can get points to start earlier, so I get a bunch of points by choosing to start at birth. It'll be uncomfortable, but fuck it.

Now, I buy the shadow clone jutsu. This is the single most over powered thing in Naruto fanon, so I want it.

It lets me pick an elemental affinity for free, but it also lets me buy additional affinities, so I buy one for each primary element.

Uzumaki's naturally have bigger chakra reserves than other ninja, but I buy even bigger reserves. Then I buy perfect chakra control, just to make sure that I am not fucking myself.

Now, I am firmly in the negative point values, so I have to take drawbacks to make up the point difference. As a Kaguya, I have to take a drawback that means Kirigakure will try to hunt me, but at least I get the points for it. I also take drawbacks that pretty much give me similar problems that Naruto had in canon; I won't get along well with my teammates, my sensei won't prioritize my training, and my home village won't like me.

That turns out to be just enough to make me even, so I finalize my choices.

WOW. I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU TO MAKE THIS SO HARD FOR YOURSELF. STILL, IF YOU CAN GET SURVIVE LONG ENOUGH TO GET SOME TRAINING IN, YOU'LL BE A POWERHOUSE.

OKAY THEN! I'LL BE WATCHING, SO TRY TO BE ENTERTAINING!