Game of Thrones Tales: Lannister Family Values
Summary: In an alternative universe, King Robert calls on a different old friend and brother to assist him. But whose decency, kindness, and sense of honor, while a bit different from Ned Stark's are equally strong. But are the family values of House Addams a match for the ruthless Lannisters?
Part XI…
Next morning…Swampflood…
As a weary horde of servants and attendants led by a sighing Lurch…Uhhhhhhh…Cleared away the debris and a few unconscious orgiers in the Great Hall, Prince Joffrey and his Airdale made their way to the King's and Queen's VIP guest suite in the main Tower.
Encountering a somewhat distressed Jaime on guard outside the room…
"Joff…"
"Uncle…I wish to see Mother."
As do I…Jamie did not say. "She's tending…"
I really do believe sometimes, he thought, she still…
"…to your royal father."
"I'm sure Mother will make time for me."
Jamie regarding him…Dear Gods…No.
Well, not unless every other male in the kingdom were dead…But then, watch out.
"Ser Jamie, as your prince…"
"Yeah, yeah…" Jamie sighed.
God, even this putz gets to push me around thanks to my foolishly signing on to the Kingsguard one drunken evening in Kings' Landing. Though, as it does get me away from Dad and his demands and keeps me near the one woman I truly love, however pervy that may sound, it's not worked out too bad as a haphazard choice of life-long career. And one I'm damned good at, even if I did kill the man I was pledged to defend, His Madness, the Mad King Eerys…
Well, anything to get Cersei outta there and perhaps a shot at a brief encounter…He opened door…
"Rock me gently…Rock me slowly…" Cersei's cooing voice from within…
"The Prince Joffrey…Your Grace!" Jamie called.
"Mom! Dad!" Joffrey stepped in. Whoa…He backed away from the sight of Cersei atop Robert in the bed, Robert dead to the world, snoring and occasionally belching.
"What?! Joffrey?!" she frowned. "Go and wait outside…Mommy and Daddy are resting."
"But Mother, I need your counsel." Joffrey, averting eyes.
"Fine, fine…Wait outside a mo…Jamie?" she frowned at Jamie who shrugged.
Hey, I be just the glorified footman guy here…
She emerged a few minutes later in full queenly gear to find Joffrey pacing, muttering his future plans for the extermination of the unfit of the Kingdom, unfit being a rather loosely defined, by him, category. Certainly his uncle Tyrion to fit that bill…
"Ah, Mom…" Joffrey eagerly…She putting finger to lips… Shhh.
"Dad is resting and I need to speak to the valiant Kingslayer of the Kingsguard, Uncle Jamie, for a mo…Go in the hall and wait." She insisted. Joffrey reluctantly leaving…You know, when at last I am King, nobody, but freakin' nobody…Except maybe my terrifying grandpa Tywin…And my unwilling to kowtow Uncle Tyrion…Will dare oppose my twisted and psychotic will, even though it might be insane to allow me to run rough shod over all laws and traditional protections from tyrannical rule.
"Jamie…" she came over after Joffrey, followed by the everpresent Airdale, had gone out. "I think we can slip in a rendezvous this morning while Robert's in a comatose state."
"Really?" he frowned at her. "What, you need to prove Robert's virility by having me get you pregnant again?"
Well, duh…Of course…She thought. But did not say, Jamie having a poor spirit in the matter of the need to support Bobby's image as the Kingdom's most potent male.
"Surely you want to spend a little time together with your dear sister…In some isolated tower room, hot and steamy…Our bodies dripping as we abandon all restraint…In our discussion of crucial political matters…" she noted.
"Oh?" he eyed her. "Well I think I've been used enough…" he frowned, folding arms with a clang of metal.
"Look, you wanna get it on or no?" she eyed him.
"Damn…You seductive temptress…" he sighed. "Fine…Where, when?"
"Give me ten minutes to sooth my lil' Joff's whining and meet me in the little side room at the top of the central Tower. And spread the word the King was a raging bear, drunkenly ravishing me all night long last night…And that the kingdom can probably expect another dear lil' Barftheron shortly." She beamed. "Bob will be so pleased…"
"Fine." Grim tone. Shaking head as she went out to join Joffrey…
I really need to get me a nice loving prostitute for a permanent secret mistress and end this sordid relationship…I should speak to Tyrion and see how his review of the local girls went. That might be nice, a sweet local girl from up here who'd be loving and loyal, for cash on the barrelhead.
…..
"So? For what reason did you disturb Mummy and Daddy's happy time?" Cersei eyed Joffrey in the Hall.
"Mother…" Joffrey looked about nervously. "Haven't you always warned me that there are spies everywhere...? Even when we're away from that sordid cesspit of a capital? Which one day when I come into my own…" he began…
"Yeah, yeah…" she waved a hand. "You'll kill everybody who opposes you and make the rest tremble in dread…Right. That I'll believe when I see it, especially if your uncle Tyrion or my dad Tywin are around."
"I shall be King in my own right!" Joffrey fumed. "Nobody's gonna tell me what to do or that I'm tired when I'm not!" Bursts into song…"Gonna be a mighty king, etc…"
"Yeah, yeah…" airy wave of hand. "Just wait till your grandpa hears that…Not to mention sees your awful Simba impression..." she giggled.
"Grandpa…?" gulp. "He really will be coming to the capital when I finally mount the throne?"
"Must you put it that way?" she frowned.
Right, the queen tramp is distressed by an ambiguous image to which one could attach a sexual meanng…He frowned.
But maybe Dad will be impressed to hear I'm voicing such…
"What did mother's precious want, darling?" she eyed him. "Though you know your daddy loves you too, even if it may seem obvious to anyone with eyes that you're not his son."
He gave distressed look.
"Just teasing, my widdle precious…Yes I am…" she tickled him…
"Why not let me handle that, mum?" the infamous Torturer of the Lannister, the Tickler, now official royal torturer, a decision the King had to admit was a rather sound one by Cersei, for once… If one is going to allow torture despite its established tendency to produce wildly inaccurate info when the tortured say whatever they believe the torturer wants them to say…Always standing by at Cersei' beck and call, eager to provide his unique services.
"Perhaps later…" she nodded. He reluctantly remelting into the shadows…
"Well?" she eyed the cringing Joffrey...Please, no more…Not again, oh please…Snivel…
"Uh…I…Mom, how does a psychotic like me destined to be king talk to girls?" he eyed her.
"Oh…Is this about that lovely Stark girl, ordained to be your bride so that we can control the North?" she beamed. "I like her so much, she reminds me of my own terrified, head-full-of-fairy-tale fantasies, younger self."
"No…Mom, I don't want her. I want to marry or at least ravish and then dispose of, Lady Addams…" he sighed.
Hmmn…She frowned. "Joffrey, I know you're a pervy little freak and Lady Addams has had a rep for decades as the hottest babe in the kingdoms even in comparison to me but the lady's a bit old for you, don't you think?"
"I mean Lady Wednesday, Mom! I told you she's the girl for me…At least till my Neroian, Henry VIII proclivities take me onto my next sexual obsession."
"Wednesday…?" she sighed. "Joff, we've already started to seal the deal with Sansa."
"But the Starks are our enemies…" he noted.
"Everyone is our enemy, Joff…" she pointed out. "If anything, Sansa's lack of parents probably makes the Starks the least enemy of our enemies."
"But Swampflood is even more strategic than Winterfalls…Which the Greatjerk clan would probably seize as our vassals for us anyway, any time we ask." Joffrey noted.
Hmmn…Point there…But Sansa is such a dear…I was so looking forward to having her as my daughter-in-law, horrible as the notion of condemning any poor girl to matrimony with my twisted son might be…Wednesday is such a tomboy, Arya Stark in training…
"She'd probably bust your balls…" she sighed. "Still…Swampflood is the key to the upper North and probably even Sansa would bust your wussy little balls after your grandpa got to the capital and took away your reign of terror."
"So long as it's Wednesday, my balls are hers to bust…" Joffrey, fondly.
Whoa…She blinked. My lil' psychotic, in true love…
"Well, we'll see what your father and his military and financial advisors say…" she noted. "Maybe the course of true love can run smooth…"
"Well, there is one thing…" he paused. "Wednesday seems infatuated with Ser Lotus and to hate my guts. The latter I can deal with, everyone hates my guts but the former…" sigh.
"Joff, Math? That's two things." she sighed. "Well, I'll have him poisoned. Oh, wait…The Markwells are essential allies to hold power in the kingdom should there be civil war after your dear father croaks. This could be a tough nut to crack, sweetheart, unlike your soft, wussy ones."
"Well, Father's sure to live many years yet, right? And there's no need to be concerned about civil war should I come to power sooner rather than later, right? Everyone will love me once I'm king…"
Uh…Well, at least the former I can go with…Unless of course someone reveals the true parentage of my children in which case my maternal instincts and lust for power might overcome my adoration of…I mean my commitment to my sacred marital vows despite despising and loathing dear, dear Bobbykins.
Nah, screw the brats…We can always adopt one of the "bastards" and put the real bastards out of the succession. Though not having one of Lannister blood on the throne would piss Dad off, she thought.
Well, not really a concern anyway…Bobby's sure to live many years…The kingdom's doing just fine despite the viscous struggle for power behind the scenes.
"I'll talk to your dad and the Addamses…" she sighed. "Maybe we can work something out."
"Yay! Say, I'd be happy to have the Stark girl poisoned, drowned, or cut into sections by the Airdale, if that would speed things along and you think it would impress Wednesday." He noted eagerly.
"Hold on that, for now…" she noted. "She might still be useful…Say, we could always marry her off to your uncle…"
"But Uncle Jaime…? Oooohhh…" he nodded, grinning. "Oh, Mom…That would be hilarious. She's twice Uncle Tyrion's size. Oh, the possibilities for humiliating them both would endless…Do it, Ma…Do it." He urged.
"Hafta to talk to your 'dad' first." She cautioned. "And remember, he…" Both Robert and Jamie… "…like your uncle Tyrion so no humiliation till I say it's ok. Ok?"
He pouted…
"You want this Addams girl or no…?" she eyed him.
"Oh, very well…" he sighed.
"Whoa, you are in love…My sweetest widdlekuns is all aflame with wuv…" she beamed.
"Till I decide it'd be more fun to see her aflame…" he nodded.
….
