Game of Thrones Tales: Lannister Family Values
Summary: In an alternative universe, King Robert calls on a different old friend and brother to assist him. But whose decency, kindness, and sense of honor, while a bit different from Ned Stark's are equally strong. But are the family values of House Addams a match for the ruthless Lannisters?
Part XVII…
Royal Camp outside Kings' Landing…
Knights wandering about, occasionally testing swords, chatting about the latest deaths in tourney, minor skirmishes with brigands, at the hands of jealous husbands and boyfriends and violated women, in accidents with armor removal…"So they were unscrewing Sir Jocquen's armlet and the damned thing took his arm off like a can opener, when they invent those…", chatting up some of the ladies-in-waiting and other available women, or offering challenges, generally out of boredom rather than legitimate cause. The few women knights sharing tales and avoiding stares or insults from the bigger jerks among the male knights or offering challenges, some of which were accepted. All challenges to be met out of the King's presence… Much as Robert would love to see a good bloody duel, it being officially frowned on out of official tourney or valid battle. Attendants of both sexes hurrying to perform minor tasks, some delaying service, trying to chat up serving men and women or even the occasional lady or lord or meet up with friends, some simply lazying about trying to seem occupied. Children scurrying to and fro, royals and nobly born mixing with servant children. Animals, pets like dogs and cats, horses, livestock, and the occasional forest creature, wandering everywhere.
Robert and Cersei on mutual portable folding thrones, languidly holding court as the morning wore on and the temperature rose, even Cersei a bit anxious to get through the tedious business of running the kingdom so as to pursue the latest odd turn in their marital relationship… The traveling Kingsguard standing by, Jamie in command. Lord Gomez Addams, new Lord Hand of the King, with other nobles in the royal party, waiting attendance on their Majesties.
"So…" Robert looked about. "We'll take another day to give the Council a chance to get things in order for our procession into town. They want to give the people a parade, good for morale, they say. Sides, after these weeks of travel, we need another day to get the muck off and make things shine. Eh?"
"Ay, another day, my sweet…" Alone, somewhat together, and away from the capital, the dreary details of kingship, and the whores and hunting/drinking parties…She did not say. Though her look to Robert's suggested a certain personal delight in the decision. "And we should give Joff a chance to catch up with us. He should be in the procession and show himself to the People."
"Right, yeah…Crown Prince and all that…" Robert nodded.
Oh…He agrees with me one more time and my heart will explode…Cersei beamed at him. He eyeing her rather pleasantly in turn.
Ah, what the hell…She suddenly gave vent to the hearty belch she'd nearly repressed. "Sorry…" grin to Robert who gave her a mock-stunned look. "Upset tummy overcoming milady?"
"Just declaring my stake in the Barftheron side of the family, Robbie…" she smiled. Robert chuckling…
Now's there a side of her I could get to liking…
Really a rather hot woman all-in-all I married…And Gods know, I really don't even remember what Cicely looked like. Though that could easily be all the drinking and head-banging…
"If you're care to have us send scouting parties back for the young Prince, your Majesties…" Gomez offered.
"That would be nice…Joff would love seeing us show a little concern." Cersei noted to Robert.
"I suppose it'd give some of these loutabouts something to do. They might even find a brigand or two to kill for justice's sake." He nodded. "Do so, my Lord Hand."
Oh, Bobby…Cersei beamed.
Support for me, concern for Joff…It's like I'm living a dream…
"Well, that's that…" Robert, with sigh. "Anything else? The King needs a crack at the alternate Throne…" he eyed the newly dug latrine across the way.
"Majesty…There's considerable business piled up during the Royal Progress…" a nervous adviser noted.
"Eh…Let Lord Addams attend to it. You'll need to get acquainted with the details anyway, Gomez." Robert grinned to Addams. "Afraid I'd handed the shit to you, my Lord Hand." He rose, Cersei rising, all rising or those standing snapping to attention.
"Another five minutes and I wouldn't be able to be raised out of that chair without four men…" Robert joked. "Eh, well…I'm for a good long sit on the other throne and then, if your Grace would care to consult on 'state business'…" he eyed Cersei who blinked at him.
Uh… "Oh, yeah…" she beamed. "I'll just see to the children and meet you."
"Sire…" the nervous adviser and senior diplomat, hesitantly.
"What now?" Robert frowned.
"There was the urgent business of the Targaryens…"
"The boy's in his early grave, thank you Doofraki savage maniacs…" Robert noted with mock intonation and roll of eyes heavenward. "The girl's a kid you lot all keep telling me is no threat, plus now we have our own new super weapon, courtesy our new Hand, to counter anything she and her dimwitted savage of a husband might come up with. No need to go bloodying our hands with the skank now. Case closed. Now to me crapping session and then to business with me Queen. We'll meet again after supper when it's cooled the hell down." He strode off.
"Yeah…" Cersei breathed. "Uh, where are the kids?" she turned to one of her ladies.
"Playing with the Stark and Addams children, your Grace." The woman noted.
"I'll see them in my tent…" Cersie ordered, rising. "My lords and ladies." All bowing to her as she marched off.
Loud groans from within the hastily erected latrine…
The adviser sighing to Lord Addams… "You see the trouble, my Lord Hand. It can be difficult to get the King to attend to business." He reflected. "Though usually the Queen is a bit more willing to fill in than today…"
"Well…I think we can allow them a day off for a little r-and-r to recharge the soul." Gomez noted, indulgent smile. "And I do need a chance to get up to speed on matters."
R-and-r? The whole reign has been one long r-and-orgy, the adviser thought.
To think I gave up a promising legal career at Lannister and Lannister and yes, Lannister, for this…
….
Swampflood…
The boys' sick room, where the paralyzed Branded and Pugsly were currently abed, listening to the gory tales of Lady Addams' and various ill-fated winter campaigns.
"So, you want to hear tales of the long winter, eh boys? Tales of monsters and gory death in the dark cold hallows as men and women died, preferring a warm, quick gush of their own bubbling blood leapin' into the frozen snow to make a red pool, to the horrors of a slow, icy death…Or even worse, to fall into the hands of the Walkers… Well, havin' been on many an insane campaign during the long winters, where mad kings like Napoleon I Targaryen would vaingloriously march with his unvanquished royal army into the snows of the far North of Essos or here in our North beyond the Wall and from which only a handful, usually led back by me, would return."
"Really, Gran?" Pugsly, eagerly.
"Does an Addams lie, boy?" grim stare over knitting needles concealing just-in-case stiletto.
One truly never knows…Especially after the late Ms. Roz's failed effort.
Ms. Roz currently gracing the bottom of the hog trough after failing to survive a rather brutal trial by combat.
But hey…The bitch chose tbc, dared me, and it seems…I've still got it, Lady Maud thought, rather pleased.
Just as well the children were either in the capital or too paralyzed to watch though…She was, after all, a rather pretty thing in her whorish way…And not bad with sword and battleaxe...
Though obviously…Yours truly? Better…She nodded to herself.
"So will we ever walk again?" Branded asked.
"With your own legs?" Lady Maud eyed him. "Probably not…I'm assumin' you two want the gods' honest truth and not some 'happy talk'."
"Yeah…" Branded sighed.
"I…Guess…" Pugsly, clearly not too sure of that.
"Doesn't mean you can't find another way to get about." She noted.
"I've got just the thing, fellas!" Fester's happy voice…He entering the chamber in a rush, dragging a crate from which screams and squeals were coming. "Hogmobile!"
"Fester…" Maud sighed.
"No, it's a great idea…" he beamed to her. "We strap the boys by special harness to their own hogs…"
"Cool…" Pugsly beamed.
"No." Maud frowned sternly. Fester eyeing her… "No?"
"No." she repeated.
"Well, then…How about taking some of Gomez's lightning storage jars and…You know, like the way he and I made those frogs' legs twitch…?" he sighed at Maud's grim stare. "No?"
"No." grim stare.
"Some people just don't believe in modern medical science…" Fester sighed.
Morticia entered, Maud catching the icy look of rage before she put on a pleasant face for the boys.
Uh-oh. When my sweet and ever-patient d-i-l gets Frump furious, hell to be paid by someone.
"Hello boys, how are you?" Morticia beamed at the two boys.
"Not bad, considering the permanent paralysis, Mother." Pugsly replied, rather cheerily. "Uncle Fester wants to strap us to hogs. Can we?"
"Perhaps later…" Morticia, a bit bemused… "Mama? Could I have a word? Outside?"
"Fester…" Lady Maud gave stern look. "No…Experiments."
"Aw, Maud…" Fester sighed.
"Uncle Fester." Morticia, quietly but finally.
"Right." Renewed sigh.
The two women went out, Fester and the boys eyeing them. Pugsly turning head to Fester with questioning look as the door closed.
"Nah, your mom and gran'll kill me. And maybe the hogs were a bad animal choice. But I still say the electroshock idea'd work. If Gomez were here…" sigh.
Outside Maud turned to Morticia… "Well?" She eyed her suddenly stony face.
"Maester Mengele and the eunuch have talked, to spare their lives." Morticia noted. "Not that Lurch was really going to pull heads off that needs a signed order from the King, but…"
"The direct approach usually works." Maud nodded. "Well?"
"That woman you took out in trial by combat, the popular courtesan/actress…Was working for the Lannisters. Hired by them, as was the other and Mengele, suborned by them."
"Lannisters, eh?" Maud, grim smile. "Well, I thought ole Tywin smarter than that. But, let me get my battle armor and summon the fellows. We'll have a battle plan by nightfall and march within four days…The southernmost bannermen can join us at…"
"Mama…" Morticia sighed. "We can't go to war with the King's in-laws. Not without more proof than two tortured and fearful men's statements."
"We can't?" Lady Maud blinked. "Robert went to war on a rumor that the Targaryen kid had made off with Gomez's sis. Everyone thought it was mutual consent but him…Though when Maester Purile testified before the Council that he had proof that the Mad King was preparing weapons of mass destruction..."
"Mama, I must go to the capital and speak with Gomez."
….
The Great Wall…
Tyrion, now ready to leave with a Night Watchers' team off to try and kidnap…er recruit new volunteers at the capital, eyed Lord Monumental in his black armor, the white-bearded face regarding him sternly as the Commander wished him safe journey back to the capital.
"You really think all that ancient monsters crap is for real?" Tyrion asked.
"I do…" Monumental nodded firmly. "And there'll be Hell to pay, at a cost even a Lannister might balk at, if we can't meet their challenge head on."
"Good talking point…Father'll like you taking it from that angle…" Tyrion nodded. "Well, as promised I'll do what I can when I reach the capital. At least he'll consider the matter of the wildling raids as serious. Jon Snowed?" He turned to Jon, who stood with the other new recruits to take leave of their noble guest. "Any messages for the family? I expect to stop by Winterfalls at least."
"Just give me best to Robbed, Ricketts, and the girls and my prayers for Branded." Jon nodded.
"Will do…" nod.
"And maybe a 'yo' to Roz? The brothel on the border of the Swampflood and Winterfalls holdings?"
"Indeed." Tyrion nodded. Refraining from mentioning his intimate knowledge of both the place and the lady in question.
"Sayin' bye-bye to yer lil' boyfriend, is it, Lord Snowed?" Ser Allister sneered to Jon. "Regular lovers pair are we?"
"You ought to know." Tyrion noted, archly.
Ser Allister, blinking…
My guilty secret ferreted out at last…?
Several of the recruits near Jon snorting a bit…Ser Allister casting anxiously angry looks about him…
"There's no need for that…It's me job to…You malicious little…" he insisted, hurrying off to barracks.
Was he weeping? Jon stared after him.
"Sensitive fellow, eh?" Tyrion to Monumental who shrugged. "Well. Tell him I'm always a bit out of sorts early in the morning."
