Game of Thrones Tales: Lannister Family Values
Summary: In an alternative universe, King Robert calls on a different old friend and brother to assist him. But whose decency, kindness, and sense of honor, while a bit different from Ned Stark's are equally strong. But are the family values of House Addams a match for the ruthless Lannisters?
Part XVIII…
King's Landing…
Lord Verymuchs' inner office sanctum…
The Minister of Shadows at his desk writing two letters at once…One with left hand, the other, naturally, with right…
It's something you do when you're the Master of Shadows…
"My favored lord…" the eunich wrote…Right hand, in cypher… "All had been going well with our plans. King Robert sinking more each day into apathy and degeneracy, although still very much alert to any serious effort against his throne…His Queen his potentially most lethal enemy, desperate to keep the bastardy of her children a secret. Though, curiously as much for the King's benefit as her children, for, as you know, Barftheron is all sexual assault, no impregnation. Still, to protect her children as well as Robert's legacy, she was working herself up to croaking him if necessary…As we hoped…"
Left hand… "Majesty, reports of the surviving Targaryen pretender indicate that she has induced/seduced her horse lord hunk of a husband to consider a seaborne invasion of this continent. My 'little birds' of Essos tell me that Khan Khal has amassed a Doofraki force of about 40,000 which he hopes to embark in ships from one of the more or less (for a small minority of wealthy types) "Free" Cities. This however generally translates to more like 8000 managing to actually get here…"
Right hand… "…Leaving the kingdom in the hands of her borderline psychotic and what is worse in politics, criminally stupid, son Joffrey and potentially forcing our most feared enemy Tywin Lannister to emerge from his secure lair at Casterly Rock and take over the kingdom, exposing his empire and person at last to our attacks. All efforts currently directed at the Targaryen dynasty focus on Danerys while you are left safe to prepare…"
Left hand… "…So that a proper defense force should have a fair chance of hurling the invaders back into the sea if, as our Knights Marshall Rommel has urged, our armored horse divisions are kept within striking range of the coast…"
Right hand… "…Sadly this excellent state of affairs had been upset by the King's appointment of Lord Gomez Addams as new Hand in place of Jon Arryn and minus his would-have-been-partner Edduard (Silly way to spell Edward, eh? These Westerosians…) Stark. Though reputed to be as honorable and trusting a fool as Stark, Addams has displayed his famous 'eccentric' (read 'freakin' crazy', my lord) streak and acted to encourage reconciliation between Robert and his Queen. Worse yet…"
Left hand… "…Plus the good news of Lord Addams' new superweapon, fire powder…"
Right hand… "…The disturbing news of Lord Addams' new superweapon, fire powder…"
Left hand… "Should leave the realm quite secure for the foreseeable future."
Right hand… "…Acts as an equally serious threat, providing King Robert with a weapon that could potentially rout even a Doofraki army armed with their superweapon, the composite bow whose armor-penetrating power and ease of use on horseback even forced the old Valerian Empire's armies to take notice."
Left hand… "So my King, I close with this good news. Yours faithfully, etc. Verymuchs…"
Right hand… "So my future King, I close with…(Oh, damn, he crossed out…) "…I fear we must deal with Lord Addams as quickly as possible and use his downfall to ignite the civil war that will leave the populace howling for deliverance and the return of the Targaryen dynasty. Fortunately the plan I had prepared to lure Edduard Stark to his overtrusting destruction by feigning concern for the safety of the King and his dynasty and urging him to act against Queen Cersei and her family is still one that could potentially work with Lord Addams. To that effect, I must make use of my nemesis, the one man clever enough to see through my phony efforts to support King Robert and his House, and will now do so, hoping that my strategy, which needs must be carried out without your approval will in the act meet with such. Yours faithfully, etc. Verymuchs…"
Ok…Now just make sure I sent left hand's to King Robert and right's to Eegon in Essos.
Lords, it's tough enough to be a spymaster but to be a double-double agent, spymaster, and eunich…Ow… (Why do I have to keep reminding myself?)…That really sucks the big one.
Well, all for the cause of restoring peace…And order…To the Continent.
I mean the current negotiated peace with a degree of consent backed by chartered rights and laws without the constant naked use of force is all very well, but for real and lasting pacification you need a brutal ancient empire, ruled by a line of incestuously mad kings backed by airborne chemical fire-spewing monsters and rampaging barbarian hordes. Like in the good ole days of ancient Valeria…
Sigh…
Now I guess I'd better get these off and see about that deal with Middlefinger…I dread those negotiations once they get serious. Be like pulling teeth…I just know he'll demand the Eerie Eyrie and to be burgomeister of Cleveland as well as control over that new resource of Addams'. Coal, is it? Messy, nasty stuff. Still, it behooves me not to underestimate my old friend or his schemes, particularly given my own goals, both the unselfish one of restoring the true dynasty whose ancient right to the throne by slaughter and brutal conquest is obvious, and my personal one, perhaps a bit more selfish…To be First eunich Hand.
Of course one might consider that in the old Empire, prominent eunichs usually brought disaster upon themselves by becoming too prominent and easy scapegoats for the Valerian Emperors in times of trouble…Still…
Mom would be so proud…Though not of the eunich thing…
…..
The royal camp…Next morning…
Where a newly arrived and rather content… "Things went like headbusters up North, Dad…Literally."…Prince Joffrey with The Airedale at his back rehearsed his report while happily awaiting the emergence of the King and Queen from their tent.
Happily and patiently awaiting…Along with the traveling court…
Lord Addams at least kept busy enough with learning the ropes of his new position as well as drawing up plans to show the King and Queen for his fire powder plant and to outline his scheme for harvesting or more properly, "mining" the new "coal" resource.
To be used, after proper study to minimize the environment effects of such use, for heating and powering the new steam engines, for use in new medicines, and improve the quality of produced steel.
Yes, happily and patiently, truly patiently…Awaiting… Joffrey, looking round from where he stood.
Ah, a foeman worthy of my… He pulled back as a little man with sword in hand, a smithy delivering repaired sword, passed.
Perhaps a bit too experienced…He looks pretty good with that thing…
Wouldn't be sensible to have a noble prince bested merely because some nobody is practiced with sword, embarrassing for the kingdom. Not that he would best me but…No, what I need is some sturdy peasant who's never seen a blade in his or her miserable life…And no witnesses besides my own paid-off goons…
An attendant came forward… "My gracious Prince…The King and Queen are in conference and have stated they are not to be disturbed until they give word."
As in…Oh…My…Gods! The attendant thought, sighing slightly.
All very well this reconciliation thing but it is tying up business even more than usual until the new Hand is officially declared and recognized.
"Oh. You did tell them I was waiting. Their son, gone on tour for two weeks…?" Joffrey asked, a bit plaintive.
"I'm afraid they are taking no message unless one of the children is desperately ill or injured, my Prince. But I did leave the message with the captain of the Kingsguard, your gracious uncle."
"Lovely." Joffrey sighed. "Meaning he threw it in the mud and told you he wasn't an errand boy or messenger."
"My Prince demonstrates his ever-profound grasp of the inner workings of the kingdom, confirming his fitness for the throne." The attendant, suavely…Making gracious bow as he departed.
I could almost…Almost, as in if I weren't aware what a homicidal little maniac the twerp is…The Airedale thought, watching…Feel for the kid.
Gods know I know what miserable parenting is like…
"Well, We shall return when our gracious parents have completed their deliberations. Come, dog!" Joffrey called, turning on heel.
There must be some little dweeb around here I can injure or kill to impress Lady Wednesday.
…
Meanwhile…
At the traditional seat of the Barftheron clan, Storming Out…The seadocks...
"My gracious lord Ser Davos…" a nervous knight in resplendent robes standing on the docks eyed the rugged features of the famed ex-pirate, Westorosian Lord High naval commander Davos Seaworthy, known to all as the Spinach Knight. Trusted top aide to Stanislaw Barftheron, brother to Robert and potential next in line as to the throne should the so-called legitimate children of King either meet with untimely accidents or damned well, as Stanislaw often put it, were exposed as the bastards everyone including his valiant but brain-dead fat sot of brother knew they were.
"Aye, Ser Tremulous…?" Seaworthy eyed through his one good eye, the nervous Ser Tremulous Kneebuckler, aide to Lord Stanislaw.
"Ser Davos, we must act to break the hold of this bizarre priestess Melisande over our gracious lord. Her new and intolerant Faith is gaining adherents with each and every magic trick she pulls off but it's sure to divide the Kingdom. I suspect she wishes nothing less than to…"
"Ser Tremulous, Ser Davos…" cooingly pleasant voice of Melisande, the red-haired mysterious high priestess of the new Faith of the Light. The waifish yet somehow beautifully, quietly menacing in her black robes as she approached on the dock …Sort of a younger Wicked Witch of the Westeros…image of actress Charlotte Gainsbourg.
(Hey, you cast whom you like I'll cast whom I like…)
Arrh…Seaworthy blinked. The woman reminds me of me cat, always creepin' about, pouncin' just when you least expect.
…And her more directly menacing horde of fanatical attendants, devotees, and hangers-on hoping to cash in on the new faith…("Friends, the Light Lord says to send your money in now!")
"Gentlemen…" the priestess cooed, innocent gaze over their features. "I have heard disturbing reports as to your lack of faith which…Disturb me…And more important, disturb our Light Lord…"
"Him…Him…Not me! Oh, Gods not me!…I mean oh Light Lord…" Ser Tremulous cried, panicking for all his name… "I'm loyal to the new Faith, I swear I'm loyal!"
"There is such a thing as protesting too much, Ser T…" Melisande sighed. "But if you are truly innocent, you have nothing to fear…Take him away, please. We shall examine him later."
"Arhh…I must protest…" Ser Davos frowned as Ser Tremulous was dragged off, howling for mercy…
"It's only that I know you for an honest man and that Lord Stanislaw has complete faith in you, Admiral Ser Davos that I do not call for your examination now." The priestess gently, smiling wistfully. "Ser Tremulous is a schemer who cannot be trusted but I wish you could see the Truth of the one True Faith…And consider…"
"Joinin' yer bizarre Faith that speaks Love and roasts men, women, and children alive?" Davos shook head. "Fraid not…I stand with the ole gods."
"Who replaced the older gods who probably replaced others…" Melisande noted. "But actually I was about to suggest we get it on. In the name of the Light Lord who is surprisingly open to His clergy using sex as a ceremonial offering."
"M'aam…While ye do be lovely and all that. And in appearance at least as innocent of guile and deceit as the driven snow and the white sea-caps…"
My Light Lord, he is so damned eloquent for a simple sea-farin' man…Melisande rapturously listening…
His rugged looks and daring career had already won me but this…Jesus…
Ooops…Forgive me, Light Lord…Not to be mentioning that name is a strict rule…I promise to flagellate myself or perhaps Ser Tremulous in sympathetic sacrifice asap.
"I be happily married, a good family man of simple tastes…Me wife, me home, me ship, me family…And…Me spinach…"
"I see…" Melisande, narrowing eyes. "You do realize the fate that is in store for all those who deny me…I mean the True Faith…" she hurriedly corrected. "Even one with the full trust of the future king, our lord Stanislaw…" Ummn…She looked as numerous sailors started to cluster about Davos, summoned from their ships to defend their gallant Admiral.
Hmmn…Not yet the time…She eyed her now nervous attendants…Devotees…
The hangers-on having already deserted her for the more numerous forces of Davos…
Davos mercifully putting up a hand to stay his angry men…
"Arhhhh…I be the loyal servant of the King. I be Davos, the Seaworthy man." Whistle. "I'm Davos the Seaworthy…" Whistle… "I'm Davos the Seaworthy…Boys?" Chorus of seamen… "He's strong to the finish, though he don't like that spinach, he's Davos the Seaworthy, hurray!"
"Well, if you won't have sex…I mean accept the true Faith, I must sacrifice you to my God of Light, in time." Melisande noted quietly.
"Arrhhh…And why would ye want to be doing that, lassie?"
She shrugged. "Cause we're fanatics, it's what we do."
"Ye be givin' me serious cause to be doubtin' the cause of me Lord Stanislaw, missie, if he be so crazy as to heed the words of such as you."
"Well…We have burned a lot of people." Melisande pointed out. "Surely that's got to suggest we have divine support."
"Robert Barftheron has cleaved hundreds in twain, should I then fall down and worship him?" Davos asked.
Uh…
Damn…I would have to come up against someone with a valid point…
"He has sinned…Burn him!" she cried to the followers. The followers a bit less enthusiastic, eyeing the crowd of tough sailors…Now grimly eyeing them.
Hey, we're just a bunch of ex-slaves and clerks and tradespeople temporarily fired up by religious fanaticism and the occasional drink, lady. These guys are tough…
"Arrhh, now ye've got and got me good and riled, missie." Davos takes can of spinach from knapsack as his sailors cheer.
Da… (Music plays…)
Everyone looking round…Where the hell is that funny music coming from? However, the sailors nodding confidently to each other. Heard this before…
Ging…Davos tears open can, swallows spinach. "Arrhh…I do hate the stuff so, but it give me me fighting edge."
"The Spinach Knight's got his spinach!" cries…Rabid followers becoming immediately less so…
Really he had me at tearing that metal can open with bare hands, Melisande thought. Oh, Je…Light Lord, I gotta have this guy…
I mean, for you, Lord, of course…
