Game of Thrones Tales: Lannister Family Values
Summary: In an alternative universe, King Robert calls on a different old friend and brother to assist him. But whose decency, kindness, and sense of honor, while a bit different from Ned Stark's are equally strong. But are the family values of House Addams a match for the ruthless Lannisters?
Part XXVI…
The Eerie Eyrie…Hall of the Moon Door, the place where some bizarre sort of "justice" or at least its medieval equivalent has been meted out according to the merits or whims of the leader of the House in power, currently the House Arryn, upon citizens and enemies of the Vale for three hundred years.
Sadly the reasonably just hand of the former Hand, Lord Jon Arryn, now removed by his untimely demise, that "justice" resides in the rather less capable hands of his beautiful, somewhat demented, and always hyperactive widow, Ophelia Arryn nee Frump…Currently seated on the throne of the Hall, her rather equally odd in his own way twelve-year old son, Robyn the Boy Wonder Arryn...Seven years of steady wearing down having forced Jon to agree in surrender to such a ridiculous middle name…On her lap.
"Uncle Fester, please?!" Ophelia, blonde in white robes contrasting with her twin sister's affection for utter glossy black, cried. "I asked you not to look whilst I breastfeed my bouncing baby boy…"
"Uh…Sorry." Fester resumed his facing the wall…
Sorry for my eyes that is…He groaned silently.
Morticia, standing beside Fester and various local knights and nobles, she allowed to relish the cherishable sight as Ophelia put it, of a Madonna and child in their most intimate moments, staring.
Even for Ophelia this is a bit much…
"Ophelia?" she stared as the dark-haired, Frump-pale faced Robyn sucked away for all he was worth.
"Yes, sister? Isn't this a blessed sight? I don't allow everyone to see mother and child like this." She noted, fondly stroking Robyn.
Just me, the guards, the Vale Council…Various servants, attendants, ladies-in-waiting, nobles of the Vale at your court, knights, that awful minstrel who keeps fiddling with his harp as he eyes me, and a number of people who no one seems to know but who hang out as so many do at our various local courts…Morticia thought.
"You're still lactating?" she couldn't keep herself from asking. "Isn't your son twelve?"
"Hormone injections from various lactating animals…We find pigs and orangutans work best. I wish my boy to have nothing but Nature's proper food till he is fully grown to manhood." Ophelia beamed. "That's a good boy, Robyn…Oooh, watch those teeth, dear…Oh…Oh…Ooooh…" she moaned. "Oh, yes…Yes…Yes! Mama is soooo pleased…! Oh, my…Sweet…Boy! Ah, there."
"Uhhh…" Robyn lifted his head. "Mama…I's full…" he burped, regurgitating some milk…
"Oooh…There's a good boy." Ophelia patted him. "Lets get that gas up…" she gently patted his back…Another loud burp, more milk from his mouth. "All right, Uncle Fester, you can look now, we've done."
Must I? Fester sighed, reluctantly turning.
"Isn't he a strong, healthy boy?" Ophelia stroked the pale, rather feeble Robyn who eyed the visitors with suspicious, grim looks…
Come here to take Mama away? Like Daddy always threatened?
"My dear Jon's last words, you know… 'I don't believe Robert Barftheron could've fathered…' such a wonder boy, he meant to say." Ophelia noted, nodding nervously…Eyeing her visitors with Robyn's suspicious look.
"It's all lies you know…That Jon was threatening to send Robyn away to be a page after a year or two of therapy in Bravvos…And having me committed. All lies…Put out by the Lannisters…That treacherous cousin of ours, Cousin 'Imp' indeed." She jerkily nodded, then frowned at Morticia as she still patted Robyn, his bib wet with her milk. "Oh, why did you have to bring him here?! This is such a terrible thing you've done! Putting me and my boy…And all our people in such danger!"
"Ophelia." Morticia stared. "You wrote me by raven that you had proof the Lannisters poisoned your husband."
"Yes, yes…Yes, I did…" Ophelia, anxiously twisting in her throne. "But I never said bring the Imp to the Vale! The Lannisters will make war on us, sister…And while the Eyrie is impregnable, we could be starved out…My little boy with his mommie unable to make him Nature's perfect food! How could you do this to us, sister?! How?!"
"I just wanted a chance to bring Tyrion in for questioning…" Morticia sighed. "You were the one who had him thrown into chains and your Sky Cells…"
"Robyn didn't like him…" Ophelia noted. "He wanted him put to death immediately but in the Vale we must do proper justice."
"BAD MAN MUST BE HURT!" Robyn screamed.
"See how instinctive his sense of justice is…" Ophelia fondly noted.
"Won't that bring the Lannisters up here a lot faster than just letting us question him?" Fester noted, frowning. And if Morty would let me question Tyrion…Properly…
"It's too late now…Ravens have been intercepted saying the Lannisters have word Tyrion was taken…Some of his less than merry followers survived, unfortunately. We should have had them all finished off, Ser Feckless." She addressed a tall knight, captain of her guard.
"Ma'am…They were innocent of wrongdoing and we thought them dead…I would have tried to bring them but my forward guard was outnumbered when the raiders resumed their attack. We barely got Lady Addams and her people here, those alive still with her." Ser Feckless noted, shaking head.
"Dereliction of duty, Ser Feckless…" she gave him a gimlet-eyed look. "We shall have to note that down in the record."
"But…Ma'am…" Ser Feckless, grimly…
Avoiding the "you crazy bitch…"
"Make the bad man fly!" Robyn cried, twisting in his seat.
"Now, now…My dear one…" Ophelia soothed him. "See what you've done, Ser Feckless? I should strip you of your captaincy for this."
"Ophelia! Ser Feckless saved our lives, those of us left." Morticia frowned. "And why didn't you send him out sooner to watch for us? I'd raven posted we were coming."
"It must've slipped my mind. I have so many pressing matters to settle with dear Jon gone. Really, sister…Why do you torment me so?"
"Make the bad girl fly!" Robyn shouted, pointing finger at Morticia.
Another minute and we'll see how my nephew makes out with unpowered flight, Fester eyed him grimly.
God, another budding Joffrey here…He shook head.
Still, wouldn't mind trying my new flight suit here. Gomez says the giant pockets won't work and some ambassador fellow in old Valerya went to his death jumping from the Emperor Jocsun's tower that way, trying to prove his people's superior technology, but I'm sure they're big enough to allow me to soar in these air currents, he thought.
Though not having it handy…Probably best not to mention the concept around the lunatic branch of my Frump in-laws.
How Morticia managed to escape the family penchant for crazy, I'll never know. Perhaps madly passionate love really does cure all…?
"As to the Imp, I think we shall try him here. It's best, where he is away from his scheming and corrupt Lannister family agents. There's no justice to be had in the Kingdoms while the Lannisters rule over King Robert." Ophelia, insistent stare at Morticia.
"Ophelia, we can't try Tyrion…Not without the King's permission, his judges, and with proper counsel for Tyrion." Morticia, shocked.
"Nonsense. I hold trials all the time." Ophelia insisted. "We of the Vale have an ancient right to pronounce justice and I hold the right of the Vale. We shall try the Imp, sister. And if he is found guilty, you shall have your revenge upon him. And we, for our dear Lord and husband…Oh, yes. Justice will be done, immediately."
"Ophelia…If you fear war with the Lannisters…" Morticia tried. "At least wait for a raven to bring King Robert's consent…And allow him time to send a proper representative…"
"No one will question our judgment in fair trial by ancient right, Morticia. King Robert is sure to agree, there is no need to await his permission." Ophelia, nervously, clenching hands. "No one can question us. Let them try. The Vale cannot be taken, the Eyrie is impregnable."
So long as no one within is willing to open a door…And its ruler is not utterly bonkers…Fester eyed her, sidelong glance to Morticia…
….
Casterly Rock…
Where the recent arrival of a raven from Jamie Lannister at King's Landing has triggered a crisis causing all present to turn desperately to Tywina Lannister, Tywin's namesake niece and one of his favorites to mitigate the Great Lord's surprising wrath. Not that anyone believes he considers the matter from any view but that of the disrespect given to his House.
Raven Post…"The Way Westeros Moves The Mail"…
Two penny post…
Lord Tywin Lannister
Casterly Rock
Lannisterville, Westeros. HL
"Dear Dad,
Hi.
How are things? It's pretty dull here, though the new Hand, Gomez Addams is stirring things up a bit. The man is, as you've always said, one crazy dude. A bit of strangeness in that Cerse and Bob have been getting along pretty well lately…I hope (x'd out)-imagine that won't last. The kids are good, Joffrey finally got back from his 'tour' of the North. You may have to pay out a little on that one, seems he was up to the usual psychotic sadism and a few villagers are complaining to King Bob.
The Hand's Tourney wasn't bad, though nothing to write you about. The Heavy iced some little novice at the start, Jon Arryn's jumped up ex-squire…Do they even bother to put these guys through their paces before conferring knighthood these days? Geesh. Ser Heave or something like that…Heaved by the Heavy, right? Then that girlfriend of Rently Barftheron, Ser Lotus (Flower, the Flower Knight, get it Dad?) [Only a splitting headache when I think of what I spent on your education, Jamie…Tywin thought, sighing as he read.] was up against the Heavy and got 'lucky' in that Raging Pus de la Boil's horse threw him. As you'd expect, the Heavy went off his rocker and did to his horse what you had done to the whole Bravvos post service's stables that time…Not pretty. But at least with you it was not personal, just business. I mean Raging Pus lived up to his name and went after Lotus boy as well…Would've diced and grated him but for his little brother, our Joff's strange bodyguard who never speaks much, and that little daughter of Addams, Wednesly or whatever. They both ran out, she grabbing Pus de la Boil's leg while he fended off the sword blow. And you know what kind of sword blow the Heavy makes…Enough to take that poor horse's head off in one chop… Anyway Cyst is holding him off, Wedley or whatever's, hanging on to his leg and really making with the death threats. That girl knows her death vengeance vows, I'd bet she learned 'em from Lady Maudie, the best. Even Pus was a little scared, you could see, when she really started ragin' at him. Never seen a girl so scarey, I thought she was gonna tear him apart or explode, she was so redfaced ragin'. So Raging Pus turned to Quivering Goo, staring at her on his leg, it was amazing. And his brother really standing up to him as well, it was the coolest, Dad. Wish you could've been there or at least Tyrion…He'd've made us howl with his one-liners. Anyway then Cerse and Bob got up and told Pus to lay off and Cerse and Lord Gomez came down and managed to pry the Addams girl off Pus. I tell ya, he was truly scared of that kid, she was gouging holes in his leg armor with some little sword they told me she borrowed from Arya Stark…But then her dad made her apologize and Pus de la Boil made nicey-nice for the rest of the events. I really think he's still shaken up, he's kept to his tent ever since. Lotus, of course, then turned the whole thing into a sketching opp, thanking Cyst, thanking Lady Wedwhatever, thanking Bob and Cerse, thanking everybody…I think he and the little Addams kid are engaged now or something… Lil' Joff was not pleased…Kicking dogs and little kids and whatnot all the rest of the day. I think he has a crush on the Addams girl himself. But I doubt he's about to try and take on Lotus. The Flower Knight may be a little "flowery" but he knows how to drive a sword through a guy like nobody's business.
Oh, and Tyrion was grabbed on the road from Winterfalls south on his way back from that Wall thing. Seems Lady Addams and Lady Arryn think he of all guys arranged an attempt on that chubby Addams kid and one of the Stark boys. He's being held at the Vale pending trial, Lady Addams asking the King to consider the matter. Since you know Bob that may take a while so you might want to press him a bit.
Let me know if Tyr needs a champion or something like that, I've got plenty of leave time I haven't used. Can't imagine why anyone would wanna go to such trouble to kill those kids. I mean maybe they saw something they shouldn't've been sticking their noses into but even so, to send assassins and all to finish the job…Geesh, overkill much, eh? Anyway I'm ready to challenge Lord Addams and his guys here, just waiting to hear from you. Cersei says that would be crazy and start a civil war but honor of our House and all that stuff…Just let me know if I should hold off.
Hope you're well. Cerse sends kisses and wants me to say she's for leaving the Imp freak where he is as he killed Mom. That seems kinda harsh to me, I love Tyr, he's always a hoot but I said I would include it, so…
Your Son,
Jamie Lannister, Knightsguard Capt.
Knightsguard Barracks
One Red Keep
King's Landing
Westeros, HMS"
"Did you hear that, Tywina?" Tywin glared at the kneeling girl in her red and gold robes.
"Yes, Uncle. That's awful. The insult to our House…Sounds like the Tourney was neat though. Wish I'd been there."
"Actually, both Jamie's phrasing and the insult…" he noted grimly from his seat, rising. "We must respond to this act…Tyrion…" he caught himself in the midst of tearing up.
Oh, my little Tyrion…The hope of our House, my most precious jewel from Johanna…
"My son…Whatever his shortcomings…"
Don't laugh…Don't laugh…Don't laugh…Tywina, desperately told herself.
"…Is a Lannister." He began pacing. "And yet…" sigh… "Clearly someone has acted to falsely implicate both Tyrion and our House in these acts…No doubt the true perpetrator…"
Always sharp as a tack is Uncle…Tywina thought proudly.
"And why would such a person seek to implicate my son and our House?" he eyed her.
"That's not rhetorical, Tywina."
"Uh, to undermine our relations with the Addams' and the Starks' Houses and trigger a civil war?" she suggested.
"Quite right…If obvious." Tywin nodded. "Good girl."
"Thank you Uncle."
"So, given someone wishes to push us into headstrong acts that could be the ruination of us all, what should our proper course be? Immediate and hazardous war against Gods know how many foes, proclaimed and secret? Negotiation on the basis of our strength and our hold on the kingdom? Cringing acceptance of the insult by Lady Addams and a whining plea for justice?"
Uhhhh…
"I'm gonna go with option two, Uncle."
"Excellent, girl. You have been listening." He nodded. "While we must be forceful and not allow our House to be treated lightly, it would be the height of folly to fall into this trap. Only some honorable fool like Eduard Stark could be lame enough to act without deliberation, as I suspect he did before his untimely demise, causing someone to act against him...Ser Walter being far too shrewd and cowardly to act on his own without powerful backing, even if he struck the blow with fairly untraceable means."
That's our Unc…Tywina, fondly. Always the sharpest pencil in the box…
Though…
"Uncle? What about Cousin Imp…I mean Tyrion…" she asked.
I'd hate to see us lose Tyr, he's the life of every family gathering…And the kids all adore him.
"Of course we must avoid any confrontation that could lead to physical conflict but we'll take immediate steps to see Tyrion is released. Therefore I've ordered a partial…Partial mobilization of our bannermen. Just to make it clear we can back up our negotiating position with brute force if it comes to that. Though everything must be done to see it does not. Lady Addams must be made to see the folly of what she has done…" Tywin grimaced. "I shall see she is made an offer which cannot be refused."
Whoa…Tywina blinked.
Last time it was the prize horse collection of the Bravvos Guild of Merchants when they wouldn't pay up for that shipment of prize hogs. And before that, as everyone knows…The Rains of Castamere…
Uncle is upset…I guess the insult is really griping his ass.
I'd say Lady Addams had better accept his offer when made…Tout sweet.
"Still, I know Morticia." Tywin shook head. "Upset as she must be over a threat to her child and that poor orphan nephew of hers, she's no fool. It's got to be her insane sister, Ophelia, pushing this…"
"We did have doubts regarding Jon Arryn's mysterious death…" Tywina noted.
"Yes, a tragic loss for us, really. He was an excellent Hand. Did his job well and didn't ask too many questions, though I understand Cersei was a bit worried about his recent snooping around with Robert's bastards, for some reason…No doubt concerned it would affect the family rep and hurt the children if it were bandied about that Robert had been unfaithful."
Tywina blinking…
Uh…One must remember Unc's blind spot regards his kids.
"I'm sure…" Tywina nodded.
As if it could surprise anyone that Bob Barftheron sleeps around? And that everyone knows, except perhaps Unc the real reason Cersei would desperate to keep the bastardy quiet…And which bastards she was concerned with…
…..
