Game of Thrones Tales: Lannister Family Values
Summary: In an alternative universe, King Robert calls on a different old friend and brother to assist him. But whose decency, kindness, and sense of honor, while a bit different from Ned Stark's are equally strong. But are the family values of House Addams a match for the ruthless Lannisters?
Part XXVIII…
The Vale, seat of House Arryn…
Its regent, Lady Ophelia, in her throne in the upper level of the Hall of the Moon Door, currently in fury at the escape of Lord Tyrion Lannister from her clutches of "justice".
An escape furthered by family, no less…
And look at poor Robyn, sighing… No bad little men flying…
Though was fun to see the good big man go down…Chuckling at the memory…
"Ophelia…" Morticia sighed.
"Sister…" Ophelia, grim look, blonde bangs firmly in "shields up" position, waving arms. "Under the circumstances…Allowing my husband's murderer to escape my justice…I cannot offer you the warm hospitality the Vale of Arryn is famous for."
Fester rolling eyes…
Heck in the days we've been here we've had to fetch our own water and grub, not even a pot of swamp mead or a bit of raven stew offered…
"I must ask you and your party to go. At once!" Ophelia rose in her throne.
"Make Auntie Mort fly!" Robyn cried, still hanging on to his mother as she stood, enraged.
"Oh, shut up, you little twit…" Morticia glared, shaking head at the two. "I'm sorry, Ophelia, but Jon Arryn was perfectly right. The boy desperately needs to get away from you before he becomes a sadistic twerp. I mean one can be a lovable psychotic, the family is full of them, but to enjoy hurting the innocent…"
"Tyrion Lannister was not innocent…" Ophelia insisted.
"You offered no proof…" Morticia shook head. "It's my fault for letting my mother's heart and our Frump disposition to irrationality get the better of me. I should have left Tyrion alone and gone right on to Kings' Landing to speak with Gomez and King Robert and let proper medieval justice take its brutal course. Ophelia, I take my leave. I hope my next visit will find you in better spirits. And for the gods' sake ween that boy, will you? It's perverse, even for the Frumps. Robyn, Auntie is sorry she got angry but you need to get away from here, soon. Fester?" she turned to Fester.
"Go then! Leave! Leave us alone and helpless! At the mercy of the Lannisters!" Ophelia cried, clutching Robyn to her breast.
"You just asked us to go." Morticia sighed, pausing as her surviving guards and Fester gathered their equipment.
"Yes, yes, go! Go!" Ophelia pointed, setting Robyn down and waving arms. "Go to blazes!…Go to the dark roads of the Vale where cannibalistic marauders lurk to kill, plunder, and commit acts of necrophilia in the dark hours after midnight in wildly lustful orgies…So I'm told…" she gave careful look to their stares.
"Go to your king! Go to your husband! And tell them, as they have abandoned us, my poor boy and me, so I will abandon them when war comes and the Lannisters lay waste to all, all, all!" she shrieked, clutching Robyn again to her chest.
Even Robyn looking rather perturbed as she held him. The Knights and assorted nobles of the Vale looking rather distressed.
Welcome to the Bunker…They eyed each other.
"I'll…Give Gomez and Bob and Cersei your best…" Morticia shrugged. "Have a nice day, sister." She moved to join her men and Fester, her black traveling dress trailing slightly, swirling at the bottom more like octopus tentacles than feet…
"Yes, do so, Morty…" Ophelia, suddenly calming, taking seat, waving. "Bye! This was such a nice visit, we must do it again!"
"Lets get outta here…She's cracked." Fester hissed to Morticia. "Indeed…" she nodded. "Come, gentlemen, we must be on the road."
"Wave bye, bye to Aunt Morticia, Robyn." Ophelia told him happily urged. Then turning a bit grim… "I doubt you'll be seeing her again."
…
Kings' Landing…
The Redder Keep…The King's Council Chamber…
"Important message for King Robert…" Joad Tom, chief of Lord Gomez' detachment from Swampflood, in Addams' black with warthog crest on uniform, noted to Kingsguard Captain Jamie Lannister, currently on duty guarding…Nothing…Nothing but a damned closed door.
A closed door behind which King Robert and Queen Cersei were "engaged" in "conference"…
"Listen to that…" Jamie eyed Joad… "You hear that caterwauling in there…That's my sister in there, screwing the brains out of that fat sack of guts. And they have me stuck out here, listening. Deliberately. They love knowing I'm out here."
"Isn't cause for contentment that the King and Queen…Your royal sis and her husband…Are getting along these days?" Joad noted.
Jamie eyeing him coldly.
Right, another mocker…As if everyone doesn't know Cerse and I were getting it on, for years.
"Anyway I have a message from Lord Gomez, the Hand. It's rather important. There's news…"
"Orders…And didn't Cersei love giving them to me?..." Jamie frowned. "Are to admit no one…Till the King commands. That means no one." Glare.
"They're 'in conference'…No doubt fragrante delecto…"
"I really wouldn't know, my lord." Joad, calmly.
"Wouldn't you?" Jamie eyed him. "You must be just about the only one, then." He stared at him. "You're the Hand's chief guard here? Ever kill a man?" Even-eyed stare.
"A few…Actually, we've met, my lord, in battle." Joad noted.
"Really? Opposing? No, I'd've killed you. And our last real fight we joined your side."
"Yes, we fought together against the remnants of the Targaryen forces at Rhingold…A most bloody day."
"Right, right…" Jamie beamed. "They just wouldn't quit…I guess The Heavy slaughtering those Targaryen kids and the baby and mom got them fired up. You were very good, I remember. Though you really should learn to keep your face covered. I would've told that last knight who came at you to go for an eye stroke, you left yourself open."
"Thanks for the tip." Joad nodded. "Coming from the best, I'll mind it, with thanks."
"Free gratis, Master Tom." Jamie smiled coolly. "And how is Lord Addams finding his weighty responsibilities? You know what they say…The King takes a dump on the kingdom, the Hand wipes it up."
Joad frowning…
"Sorry, frustration moves me to scatological references…" Jamie, coldly.
"Well, could you see the King gets this message?" Joad offered a parchment scroll.
"I look like an errand boy for nobodies to you?" Jamie, grimly.
Gods…What a prick…Joad sighed. Thought we might be getting on there for a moment.
"Sorry…I'd no idea part of the Kingsguard's duties was to provide sarcastic comic relief." He stared at Jamie who gave grim smile.
"We're all pawns and jesters here, Master Tom…Till we're dead…Which will be soon enough for many of us." Calm stare. "But, not just right now. Go and tell Lord Gomez I may be speaking with him…And you…Soon enough, myself, when my shift ends. I've had some news, myself."
Joad stared but headed off, shaking head…
"Oh…My…Gods…Bobbie! Bobbie! Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh, lovey!" "Cersei! My Cers…Ei!" mutual cries from behind door.
Jamie rolling eyes…
I'd bet anything they're just standing there by the door, doing that to drive me crazy…
…
The Severe river, just outside the King's Landing gates…Crowds thinning after the great tourney's closing ceremony.
Not a bad one, given that bit with that nut case Cyst de la Boil…But he's always a terrifying source of comic, if bloody, relief. Though not quite the rivers of wine and acres of feast that we used to have under Jon Arryn's somewhat slack Handship when King Bob indulged his every taste.
Lady Wednesday still in the afterglow…Strolling by the riverside.
Everyone knows now…Lotus and I are a couple…Practically affianced, given I saved him from the Heavy's bash and mash, with some help from that brother of his…
He told me I was "aces" and that he really thought he might be able to tolerate being with me…She noted fondly.
So long as I could be "open" to other arrangements in our marriage.
Prince Joffrey eagerly trailing after her, the Airedale in frowning tow, waving the occasional drunk… "Nuts to Prince Psycho…!" off, killing the occasional would-be assassin…"Sic semper tyr…Arrgh!"…
"Wednesday, Lady Wednesday!…Wait up!" Joffrey called. "I'm almost there…Dog, hack me through this crowd faster!" he turned to the Airedale.
Oh, gods…Wednesday sighed.
Way to spoil the best day of my life…
Put Jerkfrey in it…
"What is it now?!" she turned on him. "Can't you take a clear message, you freak? I'm engaged to Ser Lotus." She insisted. "Go away. Marry Sansa, she likes you, for some bizarre reason."
"I'll kill her for you…Well, the Airedale will…" Joffrey, eagerly. "Just say the word…In fact, don't trouble yourself…"
"Don't kill Sansa." Wednesday frowned. "Just get the hell outta my life, ok! Here, I set you a quest…Avoid me, woo Sansa…Marry her…Treat her right…Rule wisely and well…And on your deathbed I'll pat your head and not spit in your face, ok? Deal?"
"Tis a noble quest…" Joffrey considered. "But I'm much too psychotic and changeable to wait so long for approbation, even from you. Surely there's some other way to win your love…? Cash, perhaps? My little imp uncle seems to find that works well for him…"
"Gods…Go away, asshole!" she glared, shoving him back.
"Well, perhaps a compromise, my lady? You marry Ser Lotus, enjoying him as much as you may with one of his persuasion…A persuasion that will be illegal under my twisted rule…And I'll swallow it and marry Sansa, take control of her lands, killing her brothers and that guyboy sis of hers and then once I'm King, I'll have Lotus flayed alive as a pervert under my new law and Sansa strangled, quietly if you like…We could watch together. Could a man love a woman more?" he beamed.
"Addamses may be over the edge a bit…" she noted proudly, staring at him. "But when we mate, we mate for life."
"Your parents may be models of marital bliss if somewhat insanely so, but Lady Maud's famous for her affairs…" Joffrey noted.
"Affairs, not bumping off her husbands…" Wednesday sighed. "And she and Grandpapa had an arrangement that worked for them. They loved each other but just had too much lust to spare."
"Well…I have…"
Guffaw from Wednesday…The Airedale struggling…
Joffrey, reddening…
"If I may, I could prove it to you…"
Wednesday frowning… "You want I should cut it off? Now get away from me before I really get mad."
She headed off, grimly…Joffrey still following, Airedale in sighing tow…
"My Prince!" eager cry…Wednesday turning to look. Joffrey and the Airedale turning as well…
Oh, that poor sick kid…The Airedale sighed.
Oh, thank the gods…Someone to divert the twerp, Wednesday beamed at the fast-approaching Sansa, now rather red-faced from running, fine dress a bit muddied, dark look shot at Wednesday even as she beamed at the grimacing Joffrey.
"My Prince, you left the tourney before I could join you as the Queen commanded…" Sansa pronounced as she staggered up to the trio.
Right, thanks Mom. Joffrey sighed.
"I was rather busy, milady." He noted. "Perhaps another…Ow!" he groaned at Wednesday's kick in the ribs.
"You wanna impress me, show her a nice time." She hissed, pretending to help him up.
"Leave him be!" Sansa shoved her back… "Haven't you hurt him enough, you fiend?!"
"Hey!" Wednesday…
"Airedale!" Joffrey cried. "Skewer this Stark trollop who dare lay hands on my love!"
"Oh, will you knock it off?!" Wednesday fumed. "Look, she obviously cares for you, take her. You're never getting me!" she walked away.
"Never say never, milady!" Joffrey called, hurrying after her… "Airedale..! Come, dog!"
One of these days, I will reach retirement and then in some dark alley…The Airedale thought, contentedly. Fingertip by fingertip by hand by arm stump…And so on…
"My Prince, your royal mother commanded…! Oh, come on, Joff…I'm a good time just waitin' to be had!" Sansa called desperately.
Hmmn…Joffrey paused.
There is just that touch of mother's desperation there…
But no, Wednesday and Wednesday alone is mine own true.
Although…She did say it would be my task, set by her, to make the pathetic sad sack happy.
"Lady Wednesday! Please, just a word about your promise!" Joffrey hurriedly… "Airedale!"
The Airedale sighed but dutifully fired a flaming arrow, blocking Wednesday in her flight away from them.
"Damnit, Barftheron!" Wednesday fumed. "I'll give you something to remember me by!"
"You said if I made Lady Sansa happy that could be my quest? Did you mean it?" Joffrey asked, panting for breath.
She sighed but shrugged… "Yeah, sure…But …."
"How about a day's trial? I put with the bitch for a day and you agree to be mine after I have Lotus killed once I'm on the throne?" he asked, hopefully.
"No. But you be nice to her for a week and I'll…Let you ask for another week's trial." Wednesday, calmly.
"Done!" he noted, happily as Sansa raced to them, dress quite muddy now…
"Lady Sansa, you are looking so radiant…" he swiftly turned to her. "Forgive me my impish jokes, product of my uncle's rapier wit. Of course, we must spend time together…Both by royal command and my own desire…"
Sansa, staring…Lips moving but nothing emerging…
Joffrey, arch look to Wednesday…
She frowned…Still, if I belt him I'll have him on my back all day…Let Sansa have the pleasure…
"Perhaps we could escort you back to town, my Lady Wednesday?" he asked, pleasantly. "We can't leave a young noblewoman all alone out here…"
Smooth, asshole…Smooth…Wednesday, dark look. I didn't think of that out…
"Wednesday'll be fine…" Sansa grabbed at Joffrey's arm…Tucking it firmly under hers. "Your Airedale can take her back…"
With honest pleasure and not a little admiration, the Airedale thought, smiling at Wednesday.
"Have at thee, varlet!" a shout from ahead, after a hill before them…A female voice…
"Is that Arya?" Wednesday looked at Sansa…
Get…Out…Sansa's return look… "Who?" she asked, cradling Joffrey's arm fondly.
"Your sister?" Wednesday noted with sour look.
She is rather stupid…Joffrey nodded, ignoring Sansa's urgent pulls to resume the road back to the capital.
For the good of the kingdom I must prevent this union…Not to mention for my heart…
"OW! Stop, milady!" a male voice… "And take that!..." chuckling tone…
"Good one, Mudge!" Arya's call as they rounded the hill to see Arya with pole in hand facing a large, stout, red-faced, blonde-haired boy.
So this is Stark sex? Joffrey, curious…
Hmmn…
Might not be all that bad to spend a little time with…
"Arya?! What are you doing?!" Sansa hollered. "You're spoiling everything!"
"Help!" the boy cried. "The lady has been forcing me to fight her!"
"What? Oh, come on…" Arya glared.
"Tis true, most noble folk…" the boy, panting and dropping his own pole. "She's kept me here a good four hours…I'll be losing me job, me sisters'll starve."
"I paid you…" Arya frowned.
"Four coppers, after promising me gold to feed me family." Mudge noted, wheezing for breath.
"That's the down payment, gold later…Ask Lady Wed here, her dad's good for it, he's the new Hand." Arya looked to Wednesday.
"Sure, kid. My dad'll cover this." Wednesday nodded. "But what the heck are you doing?"
"Sword practice…" Arya explained.
"But me mum done sent me for the doctor, she's bad with the plague." Mudge sighed. "And I was to fetch a wet nurse for me new baby sister, she's starvin' for want of milk."
"Eh, if your mum's got plague no doctor is gonna help her." Arya insisted. "And I said I'd help you get a nurse."
Little people and their problems…Geesh…Arya, Sansa, Joffrey…
"Four hours ago, milady…" Mudge shook his head. "The mill let untended and my little brothers and sisters the same."
"We should get him home, Arya." Wednesday noted.
"But I'm practicing…"
"Arya…"
"Yes, Wednesday and you should get the poor fat boy home to his infested swamp hovel. The Prince and I will go back to the city." Sansa, firmly…Beaming at Joffrey.
"Seems to me this varlet has mishandled a noblewoman…" Joffrey, sensing an easy prey. "I'd best whack such impudence well out of him…"
"You?" Mudge, repressing a chortle… Arya grinning as well…
"Love to see ya try…" she noted to Joffrey.
"Take up your sword, boy…" Joffrey called, pulling his metal one.
"What 'sword' your Highwhatever…" Mudge stared. "I've but a stick…"
"Defying authority as well as assaulting a noblewoman? Twill go hard with you, boy." Joffrey sneered. "Take up your weapon and…"
Ooof…! He went down as Mudge stuck the pole in his guts…Falling…
"So much for that…" Wednesday noted. Arya grinning. Sansa hurrying over…Shoving Mudge back as the Airedale reluctantly came over to stand guard.
"Best to run along, boy." He noted to Mudge, kindly. "I'd gather the family and be outta here by sundown if you know what's good for you."
"Shouldn't you arrest him?" Arya suggested. "He did defy his betters…"
Plus I owe him four pieces of gold I don't wanna pay.
"Arya?" Wednesday stared as Mudge looked uncertainly at the group.
"Here, kid…" she tossed a purse. "Better listen to the knight's advice…And make tracks asap."
Mudge nodding…
"He should be killed!" Sansa insisted, rising from the groaning Joffrey.
Hmmn…Joffrey looked over…
In some ways, she is my kinda girl…
"You get going, ok?" Wednesday urged Mudge…He nodded and hurried off…
The Airedale nodding at Wednesday…
"That was pretty low, Arya." She turned to Arya who shrugged. "He was your friend."
"My nature's hardened since the ps croaked…" Arya shrugged again. "And I didn't have four pieces of gold."
…
